The League of Legends Vol 1
by Balladeer
Summary: A Brawl-based novel with literary pretensions.  First volume.
1. Part 1

**THE**

**LEAGUE**

**OF**

**LEGENDS**

OR

The Extraordinary Adventures of Eight Heroes on Planet Nintendo and Their Fight Against Villainy and Corruption

Vol. 1

Jonathan S. Cromie

The greatest scientists of the planets had dreamed, and their dream had come true. It was (it must be confessed) not a dream born of idealistic musings. It was not thought of by men and women struggling to make a better existence, putting their heads together, letting their idealism flow freely from receptive mind to receptive mind and solidifying into the magnificent construction that now stretched into the heavens. It was a dream born of necessity, and one that had to come true if all was to be well with the world (using the word "world" in its loosest possible sense). But it was a dream, nonetheless.

Earlier that week, the scientists involved had gathered upon the planet Mobius in preparation for the great unveiling ceremony.

Earlier that day, he whose dream it had originally been had thrown a switch. He had been watched by many thousands of people, millions if you included the televisation of the event, and there had been fireworks and confetti and champagne and people cheering and sobbing.

But it was those who had turned their eyes skywards that had witnessed the really impressive sight. They had seen the massive telescopic creation unfold, its loops circling out from each other, the spiralling runway moving slowly into position, a massive accomplishment of science and technology.

Earlier that hour, the runway had finally sealed itself in place. At the end nearest the planet, the person (for want of a better word) for whom the whole construction had been dreamt up and established was receiving a briefing from one of the InterPlanetary Assistance Force (IPAF, pronounced "eye-paff" or, more commonly, "those buggers who poke their nose in when they're not wanted") on what he was supposed to do. Said person was tapping his foot and looking out of the window at the construction's base. He knew what to do.

Earlier that minute, the person was running at high speed, oxygen supply around his body, down the runway. This is why the construction had been built for him – as the only entity able to reach supersonic speed on foot, with his specially developed rocket-powered footwear he was racing along at a phenomenal pace, the artificial gravity and centripetal force keeping him fixed to the path as the gravity of Mobius got weaker.

Earlier that second, the person had reached the conclusion of the track. His left foot touched the red strip marking the end and propelled him forwards, towards the target planet, still far out of reach of the spiral. By virtue of his own foot speed (and the miniature rockets attached to his feet), he was about to travel as no human has travelled before and, in all probability, as no human would ever travel.

For the "person" was not a human. He was a blue hedgehog.

o o o

Sonic the Hedgehog rolled up into a ball as he sped from the track, his heart pounding from the sheer exhilaration of it all. There was not a little fear in there, but he would never admit it, not even to his best friend, Miles "Tails" Prower (whose dream the whole idea had originally been). He would just put the accelerated heartbeat down to the natural excitement that his own pace gave him.

He span through empty space, barely breathing into the respiratory apparatus, for what seemed like either seconds or months. In reality, it was somewhere in between. Nintendo was not a very distant planet, but it was far enough, even at the speed Sonic had reached (far beyond that of any modern-day rocket ship). Once every revolution, from the safety of his spiky ball, he saw the planet Nintendo getting larger and larger, the purple force field around it looming ever more ominously.

His fingers curled possessively around the seven objects in his pocket. This was a one-time event – after he used them, the objects would frazzle and die as their energy was burnt. For years they had remained on Mobius, being protected from the copious evil forces that had tried to gain use of the "limitless" power they contained as scientists dreamed up ever more improbable uses for the objects that inevitably failed, sometimes quite spectacularly.

Sonic sighed as he thought of this. Only a few people actually knew how to access their power, and he happened to be one of them.

Nintendo filled one side of his vision now. That Eyepaff idiot had told him to act when this happened. Pah. What did he know? Had he ever used the Chaos Emeralds? No. He would act soon, but not too soon. He knew exactly when he was going to… Well, almost exactly. _Almost._

He listened to his heart thumping, and the first traces of Nintendo's atmosphere tearing against his azure fur.

1… 2… 3… Wonder how Tails is now… Even Shadow had shed a tear at the launch party. 4… 5… 6…

He could see the force field crackling now, and he wasn't dead yet. Good good. The time to act is now. We should do this again some time.

"Now I'll show you!"

There was a small ripple in the field as a yellow hedgehog passed through.

o o o

_Not so very different to yours, actually. Same creation process – explosion, rapid expansion from a point, cooling, more complex particles forming, becoming more opaque to radiation, the heavier elements form and at some point, the first stars came into being. From there, given the building blocks, it was but a small step to the creation of galaxies, planets and life._

_Some life forms survive; some perish and fade into nothing. The majority will do the latter. The little insects that scamper around, full of the importance of themselves and their race, will be swept away by the ever-rolling stream of time and space and movement. The chance that a species will actually make a difference to the development of an entire universe (an ironic name given the truth of the matter) is so infinitesimally small that it is almost worth ignoring. Mathematicians would rightly set the probability of such an event at zero. Yet the probability that, upon choosing a number between zero and one inclusive, zero should be chosen is also zero, and that is a very important case._

_So it was here. Granted, this verse (I omit the "uni-" prefix, for it is woefully inaccurate) had existed for a longer time than yours (two billion Earth years, more or less), but that is a small amount compared to the total existence time of either, and it was at around this time that this verse gave forth its most (one might say only) important species. Pure chance, of course, that such a people should be created, happened upon by a series of random processes each with probability of almost zero, but considering how many verses there are this was not an unlikely outcome in one of them._

_Beings born of pure energy. e=mc__2__ shows how inefficient matter is compared to energy. From a tiny amount of uranium, even your scientists know how to create enough energy to level entire cities. Those consisting only of energy can convert that energy easily into other forms – light, heat, movement etc. It removes the necessity to breathe or consume, allowing for easy travel through space, and the only problem is finding more energy to supplant that which they use up._

_Even these beings could not achieve that physical impossibility, perpetual motion. When they flew against space, that minimal resistance from space junk or gas molecules used up the energy they used to create their forms. Much more was lost when they created fires, or ripped apart stars for their own amusement. A certain amount was converted even by existence. And so they roamed through the galaxy, making huge progress in science and mapping out the heavens, but at the same time tearing asunder matter and destroying stars to create the energy they required to exist._

_Thus the greatest race the verse had ever known became the most feared. Proudly viewing all other races as small and unimportant (as, in comparison, they were), they devoured them and the planets on which they stood, the stars around which they orbited, to satisfy their insatiable greed. None survived the passing of these figures through their solar system, and yet somehow the legend remained – the legend of the Great Destroyers, creatures of blue light that would ravage entire galaxies to satiate their gluttony, the Death Angels, the Harbingers of Doom. _

_If there was one thing these beings sought as much as energy, it was knowledge. Thus sometimes, they would leave a civilisation alive, solely for the ability to research their primitive cultures. For a being of energy to travel among those of matter undetected was simple, and to draw out the information contained in their basic mental workings almost as much so. It was one such being who, upon researching a certain culture, found the name it would spread among them, a name it found interesting. Translated into their language, it was a signal so powerful it would destroy the mental workings of a human exposed to it. _

_Translated into yours, it is best expressed as "the Forbidden"._

o o o

The atmosphere built up in a red-hot cone as Super Sonic, powered by the seven Chaos Emeralds, shot towards Nintendo's surface like a small spiky rocket. The power that the Emeralds had given him had allowed him to break through the barrier that someone had somehow placed around the entire planet about five months ago (although his breathing apparatus had been burnt to a crisp on entry), but that had used up most of their strength already. He could feel the protection and flight they gave him ebbing away, and prayed to the gods he worshipped that they would hold out until he hit the earth.

The roar of the wind nearly deafened the hedgehog as he fell/flew. Clouds passed in a blink and became green fields, rolling below, as Sonic furiously applied his airbrakes in an attempt to avoid an extremely painful meeting with the ground if the Emeralds did not quite hold out.

As it happened, they gave in about thirty metres above sea level. The stones dropped from his hands, their powers spent, now completely indistinguishable from any other moderately shiny stones that might be dug out of the ground. They fell towards the earth noiselessly. Sonic, his fur blue once more and his powers of flight and invulnerability gone, followed suit.

All eight of the falling objects embedded themselves in soft soil. Sonic hit the ground somewhat less forcefully than his ex-fuel cells, as he had spread his body in an attempt to give air resistance to act upon, although he did not think it through in such scientific terms. Curling into a ball as he collided with the bright green grass further reduced the damage done upon landing, although he still felt sore all over as he prised his spikes out of the earth.

The same bright sun that shone out over Mobius illuminated a beautiful sunny countryside. Everywhere Sonic looked, he saw perfectly green trees and pristine fields, marshmallow clouds in a bright blue sky, small birds chirruping merrily as they pecked happily at a landscape so saccharine sweet it could have been made by Willy Wonka.

Yet something, somehow, was not quite right. The whole area felt ersatz, unreal, as if it was in fact designed by Willy Wonka. The trees were perfect blobs of green on top of cylindrical trunks with perfectly even grains. Grass was a perfect layer of green (except where things had just landed on it), with perfect little tufts. The whole design of the place was like an illustration out of a children's book – perfect for small minds, observing the landscape from a distance, yet with conspicuous brushwork marks when analysed up close.

The only thing that felt real to its new observer was the out-of-place black car, which emitted puffs of brown fumes from its exhaust into the cyan sky and made the blue birds cough wretchedly. As it pootled towards Sonic, creating sounds that no car in mint condition would be expected to make, it screeched to a halt. After a bit of fumbling from the inside, a door handle tilted, a door opened and the driver stepped out.

"So, another of the LOVE come to stop me?" he sneered.

The man was everything that his surroundings were not. While the countryside he stood in was sickly sweet, the bulging biceps and pectorals, crammed into an altogether too tight lycra suit, put one more in mind of a sizeable steak than of lollipops and sherbet lemons. While the black car behind him was a remnant of a bygone age and moved at about the top speed of a lethargic snail, its driver's shiny wrist device and belt were distinctly futuristic in tone, while his powerful leg muscles and racing helmet, emblazoned with a bird of prey, spelled "speed" as clearly as any racing car. A sculpted nose poked from beneath the helmet's visor, and below that a commanding sneer addressed Sonic in the above manner.

A lesser mammal might have been somewhat cowed by the tone of voice, the manner of address and the imposing figure, even if the vehicle they rode was not a Rolls Royce or Lamborghini. Sonic had just flown from a neighbouring planet using his own feet and the Chaos Emeralds. He looked the man straight in the visor.

"LOVE? Who's that, your boyfriend?"

"Don't you play the chump with me, chump. I know who you are, and you know who I am, so let's see your moves!"

Sonic paused for a minute. Did he? He'd been given a full briefing by Eyepaff on heroes and villains of his destination world, but the small portable computer containing all the data on them had been in a pocket of his breathing apparatus, which was now floating in molten specks somewhere in the ionosphere. He inwardly cursed this oversight and tried to recall what information he could.

"Captain… Sparrow?" he tried.

"Falcon, you dumbass!"

"Well, I was close," shrugged Sonic, trying to remember anything about the man.

He was the top racer in the F-Zero Grand Prix, a triennial race that accepted participants from all across the galaxies. The ships used travelled very fast and the competition was very dangerous, and therefore very popular. There is nothing so fun as watching a driver one does not know sail into a wall and have her car explode, taking another three drivers with her.

Sonic remembered nothing about it outside the name of the competition. He did remember that in addition to being an accomplished driver, Falcon's foot speed was pretty impressive and he was in possession of a massive ego. Both of these were qualities that Sonic admired, since he possessed them himself. He also remembered that the Captain was the owner of a pretty sleek vehicle, the Blue Falcon, which was certainly not the old banger the man was currently driving.

His musing was rudely interrupted. "You trying to insult me, LOVE scum? I said, show me your moves!"

"In a minute," said Sonic, with a nonchalant shake of his spikes. "I'm just trying to work out what happened to your real car."

The change in the man was visible. The self-confidence seemed to seep out of his chiselled nose. His burly figure sagged, as if his muscles had been inflatable and someone had inserted a pin. The sneer was replaced by a hopelessly depressed expression.

Sonic had some idea about what had occurred. "You lost it."

"I have not lost it!" yelled the broken man. "You stole it, you prick!"

"Well, I'm very sorry for your loss, Captain Sparrow, but I'm afraid that I have bigger fish to fry right now. Could you tell me…"

Suddenly, he was being picked up by a muscular arm, and the Captain's face was inches away from his and spraying him with spit.

"My car is very important to me!"

"Ew."

"That car is the most beautiful, the most wonderful thing in existence! I've spent ten years tuning her systems to perfection, and now she's been taken from me. So no, you do not have bigger fish to fry! I'm gonna beat your sorry ass to a pulp, then wipe the whole of Dreamland with what's left of that ass, and then…"

He stopped, and looked past the hedgehog he was holding. Sonic noticed that everything had suddenly got a little darker.

The Captain was shouting again. "You can't be! I killed you! I fucking killed you, you bastard! How the fuck are you still alive?"

Then he turned back to Sonic. "Your little mecha-bitch friend saved you this time. Think yourself lucky."

Human nature dictates that whenever one senses that there is something horrible behind one that one really should not look at, the thing one wants to do more than anything is to turn around. Hedgehog nature is not so very different. Therefore, the first thing that Sonic did when Captain Falcon's hand released its iron grip and he felt the soil beneath his red trainers again was… yes, to turn around.

"It's a cloud."

Sonic was partly right. It was a grey cloud-like blob, hovering in the air and blotting out the sun. Metallic yellow spikes protruded from the gaseous body at odd angles.

Captain Falcon, already a good twenty metres away, looked over his shoulder at Sonic, staring incredulously at the heap of metal and condensation. All at once, it struck him that maybe the blue rat thing was not actually here to get him after all. Maybe he did not have a clue what this was.

"Run, you idiot!" he bawled. "Why aren't you running?"

Good question. That would be the first response of most sane people. Sonic was not mad, but he was very confident in his own abilities, and not (it must be said) without reason. His recent trip aside, he had on countless occasions saved his home planet from those who fiends who wanted to capture the Chaos Emeralds, and in some cases succeeded. In most cases, this was Dr. Ivo Robotnik, a reclusive genius with a fine line in evil robots (as his name suggested) and a less fine line in moustaches. Therefore, he felt himself well equipped when it came to fighting off metallic bullies.

That was why he stood still and stared at the robotic cloud. The cloud opened one malevolent eye and stared back. Sparks clustered around its spikes and hummed threateningly.

Suddenly, it gave forth a blast of electrical energy. The pulse was released without warning and travelled fast, ionising the air slightly. Sonic was caught off guard, and for a moment could only stare at the approaching 200 kV shockwave. It was only a split second, but by that time the thunder was on him…

…or would have been if something had not slammed into his side like a comet. Sonic rolled away from the crater left by the bolt of energy, extinguishing the flames that the Captain's life-saving rush had ignited on his fur, and lay on the grass, slightly winded, as his rescuer jumped up and towards their mechanical adversary.

"Falcon PUNCH!"

Sonic watched from his position on the ground as the Captain's fist seemed to burst into flame and hurtle towards the cloud. The cry of a bird of prey was audible, and indeed the flames seemed to take the shape of a falcon in flight. The punch hit the eye with a sharp clang and bounced off, the Captain yelling as his fist registered pain.

Sonic was by his unexpected rescuer's side in an instant, looking with a mixture of admiration and mockery as the man clutched his hand and moaned softly. Admiration won out, because Sonic was not a complete git and the Captain had just saved his backside.

"Wow. That's quite a punch you have there."

"Move it!" said the Captain, jumping to his feet and barely dodging another kilovolt-strength shock. He rushed away from the storm, leaving Sonic to spin into a buzz saw-like ball and make his own escape route. The universe's fastest hedgehog quickly moved out of his assailant's range, meeting the wounded Captain halfway.

"You afraid of a metal cloud, Sparrow?" he said with a wink.

"Afraid? Me?"

"You heard me."

"Fucking terrified!"

The duo screeched to a halt, observing the approaching construct from a safe distance. Around it, the make-believe turf blazed merrily.

"We can take him," said Sonic, smiling broadly.

"You crazy?" screeched the Captain. "Look, I've fought this thing before it got itself an iron core, and it nearly killed me then. Now, my strongest attack just bounces off! What makes you think I can take it now?"

The single eye was fixed resolutely on Sonic. Static collected about the yellow prongs.

"Because you've got me."

o o o

The beast was called Kracko. Well, actually it was called Mecha-Kracko now, and had been ever since its upgrade three or so months ago. Robot core or otherwise, its purpose remained the same – search Dreamland for undesirables and take care of them. It was also, using the camera cybernetically inserted into its eye, able to beam images of them directly back to King Dedede.

King Dedede's name sounds funny. There is no way around that simple fact. He also looks funny. Anyone who had been told that a fat penguin, dressed in a Father Christmas-esque red robe with white trimming and a bobble hat, was a king might have believed that they were being told a joke. They would then receive a blow to the head with a 100 kg mallet – and that is no laughing matter.

Ever since certain events had taken place about a year ago, King Dedede had been put in charge of the part of Nintendo called Dreamland, a position he had lusted after for a long time. Size and population-wise, Dreamland was somewhere between a country and a continent, and it was characterised by the same ersatz look that Sonic had seen on his arrival. Although its landscapes and terrains ranged from green fields to rocky outcrops to pools of bubbling lava, the whole place looked… well, like something out of a dream.

But for King Dedede, what he now saw on "Kracko-Cam" was nothing short of a nightmare. He hastily moved his bulk over to a nearby computer, slumped down in the swivel chair in front of it and typed the following message:

Captain Falcon spotted in cahoots with large blue rodent. Possible threat. Sending out Paint Roller.

He rattled off a few e-mail addresses into the "To:" bar and hit the send button, sweating ever so slightly. Then he slid his swivel chair, creaking slightly under the penguin's weight, over to yet another computer and prepared to press the button marked "Paint Roller".

But as his mitten hovered over the button, another idea came into his head. It was the idea that Paint Roller alone might not be fast enough to catch up with Captain Falcon and the large blue rodent, who was darting around the increasingly flickery screen at incredible speed. He didn't want to send it out of Dreamland after them. PR and Kracko were his own "pets", and especially if Kracko needed to be taken in for another upgrade (as was looking increasingly likely) he needed PR to remain in the country and keep the peace. This was not a nice idea, and it caused him to sweat even more.

He gobbled down a few kilogrammes of fruit to calm himself down and help him think. The King ate in order to facilitate his thought processes. He also ate to celebrate his successes and to forget about his failures. And sometimes he ate because he was bored, or because he wanted to eat. None of this reduced his prodigious waistline, or the difficulties for the servants that carried his sedan chair.

As he chewed on a bunch of grapes, the juices running down his beak, the sweet sugars seemed to galvanise his thought processes into action. Once again shifting the poor swivel chair, he typed the name "Wario" into the "To:" bar and composed another message, getting fruit juices all over the keyboard.

Behind him, "Kracko-Cam" went black.

o o o

"Too easy! Piece of cake!"

The fact that Sonic was panting these words between gasps for breath somewhat undermined the effect they were meant to convey. Nevertheless, the fact remained that what was once Mecha-Kracko now lay on the grass, its one eye closed, its cloud part dispersed and the metal core non-functional.

"Once again, my Falcon Punch saves the day," gasped Captain Falcon, similarly exhausted.

"What? I did most of the work! If I hadn't been distracting him with my spinning attacks, you'd never have had time to punch him in the eye!"

"Yeah, thanks. Next time I need a distraction, I'll let you know."

Sonic did not have the time or the energy to argue. "Look, we're getting sidetracked here. My name's Sonic, you're Captain Falcon, and if we work together we'll have a much easier time getting what we both want."

The Captain did not answer, so Sonic pressed on.

"I know this might sound stupid, but I'm from another planet, not so different to this one. About a year ago, we received two distress signals from Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom, and despite repeated attempts to contact this planet we've had no success. So about half of one of your years ago we sent down an operative, name of Solid Snake – hugely capable guy – to have a look at what's going on here and to report back."

The Captain gazed at Sonic with a melancholy look in his eyes, but said nothing, so the latter pressed on.

"We had one message from him, confirming his safe landing. Then nothing. We tried to send someone else down – me, as it happens – but there was an all-but-impenetrable barrier around the planet. So we spent the past five months or so coming up with a system that could get me through the barrier, and here I am.

"I'm on this planet to find any traces of Snake I can, and to help you guys out in any way possible. Like I said, I know this sounds really stupid, but…"

"It doesn't sound stupid. Did you forget that I'm an F-Zero racer? I go all over the galaxy to take part in races. I'm guessing you're from Mobius?"

Sonic nodded, seriously impressed. Not because he was modest enough to think his home planet unimportant (he was not), but because he had thought that Nintens were too stupid to know about anything outside their planet.

The Captain continued. "I'll help you out. I'll tell you everything I know. But you gotta promise me one thing in return."

Sonic scratched his ear. "And what's that?"

He felt the Captain's hand at his throat once more, felt the hot breath and drops of spittle on his face.

"PLEASE HELP ME GET MY CAR BACK!"

o o o

Time passes.

Sonic and Captain Falcon travelled in Captain Falcon's replacement car out of Dreamland and into Hyrule, one of the two biggest nations over all of Nintendo. The border controls along the Hyrule-Dreamland border were non-existent, because border controls had disappeared from almost everywhere a year ago for reasons that will shortly become clear.

As they journeyed in the cramped, slow little car, the Captain told Sonic the story of what had happened to Nintendo, planet of heroes. The lucky reader gets to read the abridged version. Sonic had to make do with the Captain's account, which dissolved into how great his car was and how much he missed it every few seconds.

And time passes.


	2. Part 2

It is probably not unfair to give Nintendo the coveted (and entirely unofficial) title of "Most Famous Planet in the Galaxy", although this has very little to do with the planet itself. It is very, very similar to Earth – it has the same length of day and year, the same land/sea ratio, the same size (and thus gravitational pull) etc. But a planet is more than the sum of its geographical features, and Nintendo scoops the gongs at the InterPlanetary Awards Ceremony (IPAC, pronounced "eye-pack" – or it probably would be if it existed) on the basis of its people and animals.

The F-Zero Grand Prix is the event that brought the planet to the attention of the wider galaxy, but its main "features" are the two key nations, the Mushroom Kingdom and Hyrule, both very powerful and very wealthy monarchies with the strange feature that both of their rulers are known in the common tongue as "princesses" rather than "queens".

The Mushroom Kingdom is the more modernised of the two, as well as being slightly bigger. It derives its name both from the multitude of mushrooms that grow within it, many with interesting body-altering effects, and the surname of its royal family. It is ruled over by Princess Peach Toadstool, who spends her time not governing the kingdom trying to avoid being captured by King Bowser Koopa, a tyrant in charge of the kingdom next door. Fortunately, the kingdom's saviour, an ex-plumber named Mario Mario, is almost always nearby to save the day. Hyrule is ruled by Princess Zelda, who in turn is occasionally kidnapped by Ganondorf Dragmire and saved by Link, a.k.a. "the Hero of Time".

There are other important areas, such as Dreamland (which has been mentioned already), the lush green jungles of Donkey Kong Island, the thriving metropolises of Smashville and Port Town, the peaceful Eagleland… There are other important people too, such as Kirby, hero of Dreamland and walking marshmallowy thing; Samus Aran, deadly bounty hunter from outer space; Fox McCloud, vulpine pilot of the Lylat System; the Pokémon, seemingly normal animals who could be stored and transferred as digital information…

But none of it is really important now, and in any case Captain Falcon did not tell Sonic any of this. He expected Sonic to know it. Sonic should have known it, but he had dozed off in the IPAF lectures meant to prepare him for travelling to Nintendo, and dreamt of running around outside instead.

What Captain Falcon told Sonic as they travelled is paraphrased below.

o o o

There are many evil forces at work in the various nations of Nintendo. The reader has already been introduced briefly to three (Bowser, Ganondorf and King Dedede), but this does no more than scratch the surface. There are enough villainous beings to form a parliament capable of ruling the whole planet, but they hate working together. A villain's main concern is power, and if he believes that he can get it by himself (as they almost all do), he will not bother seeking support from anybody else. (I use the male pronoun here because none of the main villains of Nintendo are female. Women are too sensible to waste their lives searching for absolute power.)

For a world with so many villains, Nintendo has been surprisingly good at keeping them in check. Every country has a hero to match its villain. Mario against Bowser, Link against Ganondorf, Kirby against King Dedede… No villain has ever been able to seize power for any reasonable amount of time without being shot down by a hero or, in rarer cases, a team of them.

It was about a year ago when strange things started to happen. This was, coincidentally, at about the time when distress signals were received from the Mushroom Kingdom and Hyrule – only there was no coincidence. First, Hyrule fell. There was no warning. One day, the citizens were going about their business. Overnight, Ganondorf was in charge in the palace, Zelda was locked up and Link was nowhere to be seen. Literally a day later, the Mushroom Kingdom went the same way, and suddenly Bowser and Ganondorf were the two main players in the planetary game.

After that, the nations fell like dominoes. At first, no one could work out whether the villains were working alone or together, but as King Dedede seized Dreamland, Port Town fell to an extra-terrestrial force, and the Pokémon countries and Eagleland followed similar fates, it became clear that Ganondorf and Bowser were directing the operation. Somehow, they had actually convinced the other villains to co-operate. They created an organisation called the League of Villains Extraordinaire…

"So that's what you meant when you said that LOVE stole your car!" interjected Sonic. "Surely they could have chosen a more threatening acronym?"

"I think the name was Bowser's idea," said Falcon, downcast at the mention of his car. "I don't think Ganondorf has ever forgiven him. Not that it matters anyway. Everyone associates the word 'LOVE' with fear now, silly acronym or not." He continued.

All the major villains joined it. They had a meeting, during which they divided up Nintendo into sections and declared who would be in charge of what. And through all of this, none of the heroes intervened.

The reason for this had eluded Captain Falcon. He had been staying in Lilycove City in Hoenn, a region populated by Pokémon and one of the last to be affected by LOVE's world takeover bid. As he sat on the balcony of his room overlooking the sea, sipping a Red Gyarados (Tamato berry and vodka – very spicy, for real men only) and having his sore shoulders worked on by a beautiful young masseuse, while the room's television informed him of the takeovers of Port Town and Smashville, he scratched his auburn hair in puzzlement. Samus Aran was currently staying in Port Town, yet had apparently done nothing. And his friend Captain Olimar, a spaceman from a distant planet who had extraordinary control over the earth, was living in Smashville. What was going on?

He was so perturbed that he had sent the masseuse away with the rest of his Gyarados and immediately put a call through to Olimar. No one had picked up. Thoroughly bewildered now, the Captain completely failed to sleep that night despite the Gyarados' influence.

It had been ten past midnight when he gave up trying to sleep and left his room to take a walk along the seashore. It was fifteen past midnight when a seeker missile filled with sleeping gas had hit his room. It was twenty past midnight when he quickly paid his bill and set off in the Blue Falcon. And it was then that he had realised exactly what was going on.

The LOVE had captured all the heroes before they could fight back in what was now called the Purges, and then the invasions had begun. It was when he returned to Port Town that he learnt of the attack on his island fortress two days after his departure. And had he not kept moving from place to place after that, he would have been apprehended by any one of the people and beasts that visited each and every location he was spotted in.

"But what I still don't understand was why they wanted all the heroes alive," he told Sonic, who was yearning to get out of the car and run. "Why not just kill me and get it over with? Otherwise, whatever prison they lock me in, I might Falcon Punch my way out and kick all their asses, know what I'm saying?"

"So Mario and that lot are still in prison somewhere?"

"Reckon so. And the only reason I'm not is because the Blue Falcon's too fast for them to catch, plus I've fitted it with a cloaking device. Doesn't work too well up close, though."

"So why haven't they caught you now you don't have the car?"

The Captain glared. "I'm getting to that."

So in shortly under three weeks, the LOVE was in charge of practically all of Nintendo. With all the countries governed by the same group of people, there was no need for border controls – everywhere was as oppressive as any other place. Nintendo became one giant country, run by the LOVE and kept in line by the threat of instant disappearance. The LOVE was very good at disappearance. Any threats to the regime, or even those who dared to speak out against it, simply… disappeared. It was not long before everybody bowed his or her head in submission to the LOVE.

There were three other major events. One occurred about eight months ago. Meta Knight, the governor of Smashville and second-in-command of Dreamland, was disappeared. He stopped appearing in the LOVE broadcasts and on the LOVE posters and pamphlets. Smashville was quietly transferred to Porky, a self-centred teenager who was already in charge of Eagleland. Nobody knew what had happened to Meta Knight.

"Dead?"

"Probably."

The second happened about five months ago. The LOVE announced that an outsider had landed on Nintendo.

"Snake!"

They called him a "threat to the planet", come to "disturb the peace and tranquillity of our world" with his "violent and revolutionary speeches and deeds". They announced that he had been executed in Hyrule "for the good of the people", and showed a video of him being pummelled by Bowser himself and dropped to his death. They also announced that they would be erecting a force field around the planet in order to protect the Nintens from "vicious external influences" and "maintain…"

"NO!"

Sonic shouted so loudly that Captain Falcon braked on reflex, bringing the little machine to a violent stop and hurling the two of them windscreen-wards. When he had recovered, Sonic turned to the Captain with a manic glare in his eyes.

"Snake was a highly accomplished tactical genius. He was – no, _is_ a master of hand-to-hand combat and espionage. He wouldn't let himself be killed by a brainless idiot like Bowser! The LOVE is making it up!"

The Captain shook his head, revving up the car again as he did so. "I understand you're upset, buddy, but that footage was genuine. The guy in the film had a moustache and a straggly beard. He was wearing a headband and all kitted out in explosives. Does that sound like your guy?"

Sonic was boiling with rage, but he couldn't think up a satisfactory retort for this. That was Snake all right. Nevertheless, he stood his shaky ground.

"I think you're wrong. I think he's alive."

The Captain knew how Sonic felt. When his car had first disappeared, he had tried to lie to himself in a similar way. She was just round the corner, or he'd parked her somewhere else, or the cloaking device was too strong. Sonic would come around, like he had, but the best thing to do was to give him time.

"Now listen carefully, Sonic. This is the most important thing, and it happened two months ago."

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Your car."

Falcon nodded, deadly serious. "I was cruising through Hyrule, like we are now only much, much faster. And I had these spies on my tail. Big black birds with rockets on their backs and radar. I could outrun them, sure, but there was a whole pack of the fuckers. So I did a couple of u-turns…" The Captain made gestures with his hands. "Vroooom! Like that! Then I drove off a ramp…" More gestures. "Neeeowww! Right through the whole flock! Feathers everywhere. Got about half of them, but the other half were still on my tail. Like that. So I did a couple of handbrake turns…"

"For Gods' sake, keep your hands on the wheel!"

The Captain looked up and jammed on the brakes, steering frantically to avoid the large boulder in their way. When they restarted, he went on with his tale.

He had whacked the accelerator down, quickly leaving his pursuers far behind, and crossed the border into Dreamland while doing so. Leaving the car unlocked to urinate, he had bumped into Kracko. The fight had been long and gruelling, and although Kracko had been finished off the Captain was not on top form himself. He had been unable to make it back to his ship, and had slipped gently into unconsciousness.

"And when I woke up…"

He couldn't finish. The car ground to a slow stop as he curled up into a ball and cried sad, broken tears. Sonic patted him on the back, the hedgehog's mouth curled into a sneer of contempt and his eyes looking at the gently drifting cumulus. Eventually Falcon managed to collect himself and blew his nose loudly on a tissue.

"Ever since then, LOVE have left me in peace. Partly because I'm invisible in this old heap, and partly because I'm guessing they found my car empty, saw my body next to Cloudface's and left me for dead."

"We'll get it back."

The Captain looked up, surprised by the air of determination in Sonic's voice.

"If LOVE have it…"

"We'll get it back. We're gonna get your car back, and we're gonna find Snake, and we're gonna break LOVE's stranglehold on this planet and put you back in this solar system. D'you hear?"

Sonic was almost shouting now. He opened the door of the stationary car and half-walked half-jumped out onto the green grass of Hyrule Field. The Captain followed suit, looking at Sonic with his eyes agog and his mouth gaping like a hungry carp.

"My official job, as given to me by Eyepaff, ain't that important right now. 'Cause Eyepaff aren't here. But back on Mobius, I made a promise. I made it to my best friend, Tails, and my other friends, and most importantly to myself. And I promised…"

His speech was cut short by a barbed shaft flying into the Hylian turf by his feet. Across the field, a bunch of hooded goblins bearing bows and clubs were coming towards them, screeching in a decidedly hostile manner. Sonic hastily got back inside as the Captain applied the accelerator.

"And that is why we don't get out of the car."

o o o

The mobile telephone rang, and for "rang" read "made the sound of coins falling onto a large pile of coins". A chubby hand wrapped in a fingerless yellow glove, emblazoned with a capital W, picked it up.

"Yeah what? Make it quick, though. I'm busy," the phone's owner said, in a gruff Italian bass with hints of alcohol around the edges.

King Dedede's low, amiable voice floated down the line. "Hey there, Wazza. You're in the Hyrule area now, aren't you?"

Wario looked at the bar in which he was happily ensconced. Princess Zelda, and now Ganondorf, had run Hyrule through the use of magic. Modern technology was all but absent from the age-old kingdom. The bright slot machines, 14-inch television and even electric lightning he saw around him were not things he might have found in Hyrule.

"Yeah," he half-said, half-belched into the phone. "Why?"

"Did you get my e-mail?"

"Yeah, I got it. What's it to do with me? I thought you said Paint Roller was taking care of them."

"No, the other one. Asking you to take on the job."

Wario quickly checked his inbox on the phone, where the penguin's second e-mail no longer sat. It had been lovingly moved into "Trash" on the day of reception.

"Oh yeah," said Wario, doing a good job of sounding bemused. "Just seen it. Sorry."

"Well, can you get onto these guys?" King Dedede's voice was less amiable this time. Talking to Wario had that effect on people.

Wario scratched his bulging backside leisurely. He thought about saying "no". He was enjoying himself in this bar. Besides, Hyrule was Ganondorf's territory. But thoughts of disobeying the requests/orders of his "seniors" in the LOVE (for although in theory all the members were equal, in practise there was a strict and unquestioned order) always brought to mind the image of Meta Knight, sitting at his computer, composing a polite e-mail to the LOVE saying that their current actions were unnecessarily cruel, and this wasn't what he'd signed up for, and could they please consider toning it down a notch? And then he had disappeared…

"I'll get right on it," he hiccoughed, and hung up.

Slowly he drained his glass and eased himself off the chair, and looked at himself in the mirror behind the bar. He gazed into the watery eyes beneath the charcoal-black eyebrows. He stuffed one finger up the large, purple nose above the thunderbolt moustache and the cleft in his chin, and wiggled it about thoughtfully. Withdrawing it, he inspected his discovery and thoughtfully stuck it in his mouth. Then, drawing his biker jacket around him, and pulling down his goggles over the watery eyes, he turned to the bartender.

"Ahh, gimme one for the road, Brewster."

o o o

"Why are we doing this again?"

"You want to find out what's going on? Hyrule was where it all began. Also, they don't use technology – only magic and religion. So most messages are passed by word of mouth, making them easier to intercept."

"No – I mean why are we sneaking into Hyrule Castle Town when it's crawling with guards?"

"You want to get to the centre of things, don't you?"

"Yeah," said Sonic, as they left the car behind and walked towards the town's main gate, "but I wouldn't have minded a bit… you know… less central."

"You scared, hedgehog?"

"Of being captured by a horde of guards, brutally tortured and executed? Yes."

Captain Falcon scoffed under his breath. "Well, I've done this before. The castle guards are some of the biggest loudmouths and biggest drunkards in all Nintendo. They also hear everything. If anyone knows anything about my car, so will Ganondorf, and so will they."

"And about Snake, presumably," Sonic said, with not a little ire in his voice.

"Yeah yeah. Him too."

Hyrule Castle Town was surrounded by a tall, thick stone wall, which was surrounded by a moat. The only way in was through the main gate, which not only had a portcullis in front of it but a drawbridge as well.

"Don't they let the drawbridge down?" whispered Sonic.

"Only during the daytime. So unless you want to wait 'til morning, we're gonna have to find a way to scale this thing."

"Wouldn't mind getting some sleep," said Sonic, looking at the spot on the horizon where the sun had disappeared moments before.

Captain Falcon looked at him for a moment, as if he had been hit on the head by a brick.

Then he spoke. "Yeah, all right."

They went back to the car and slept there. They were cramped untidily into the small space, but the day had been long and both slept like babies. (This is not, strictly speaking, a very good simile, because babies have a nasty tendency to get hungry or fill their nappies in the night and wake up making shrieking noises, causing the rest of the house to follow suit. "Slept like chloroformed babies" might be a better one, only the author would have children's welfare groups calling him at all hours of the night and calling him most unsavoury names, and the more common "slept like logs" is even more inaccurate because logs do not wake up again… But I digress.)

o o o

Yoshi's Island lies slightly offshore from the Mushroom Kingdom, and to date it is perhaps the only place in Nintendo that has not been set upon by the LOVE. The unspoken agreement is as follows. Yoshi's Island is small and barely worth invading, so as long as the endemic Yoshis continue to export fruit at reasonable prices and leave what happens on the mainland alone, their island is safe.

This arrangement works nicely for both parties. The Yoshis are big-nosed, long tongued dinosaurs in all colours of the spectrum, with cheerful temperaments and no small amount of apathy for politics. Above all, they desire to be left to gorge on fruit in peace. In turn, the LOVE gets tasty fruit delivered to them at a reasonable price without the effort of invading a tiny island and having to govern a race of rowdy rainbow-coloured lizards. (Besides, there are rumours that the Yoshis' peace-loving ways are not all they seem, and no one wants to risk finding out the truth of this if they can avoid it.)

So, it is without a care in the world and at no risk of LOVE inspection that, at one of the two major ports on the island, a liner is preparing to set sail, owned by the Yoshi's Island Fruit Exportation Corporation (YIFEC, pronounced "Yife-eck"), destined for the Mushroom Kingdom and carrying a cargo of delicious and fresh fruit. That's all. Nothing else, and certainly nothing that could prove a threat to the LOVE in any way.

…

o o o

When the Captain awoke, Sonic was shaking him vigorously.

"Get up, you moron!" he said. "There's a massive crowd going through the town gate! Now's our chance!"

The Captain yawned broadly. "'Salways a massive crowd going through the town gate. Don't tell me you woke me up just for that."

"I woke you up because if we have to creep about like rats in a tunnel, I want to get this over and done with. Like, NOW."

"Yeah? Well, I wanna go have breakfast. Let's find a café."

The drawbridge was full to capacity with people walking into and out of the town, talking, shouting, jostling, swearing and shoulder-barging each other just like civilians anywhere. Sonic and Captain Falcon were invisible in the crowd. Even a five foot eight blue hedgehog went unnoticed amongst the large, toad-like Gorons and the blue amphibious Zora.

Together, they walked along the busy streets and into a small café, where Sonic ordered a large coffee and a pain au chocolat while the Captain chose a blue potion.

"What do they put in that?" said Sonic, watching as the Captain downed the flask of viscous blue liquid in a few gulps.

"I dunno," his companion replied, "but it always wakes me up in the morning."

Sonic shrugged and ate half his pastry. Then, sick of standing indoors, he walked outside to survey the scenery, leaving the Captain to ogle a woman wearing a rather low-cut top.

Outside, it was market day. Throngs of people surged through the narrow passageways, leaving Sonic, more used to dashing through open spaces, trying to squeeze through gaps in the crowd. More than once he was forced to apologise for almost giving someone an impromptu piercing with his spikes.

In the main square, vendors clamoured for his attention, along with that of everybody else. Fruit-sellers waved handles of produce, jewellery-makers indicated their hand-crafted earrings, clothing merchants stroked rough and itchy fabrics as if they were made of silk, and a couple of Gorons waved their "Cure-Alle Hotte Springe Water: to Cure Eache & Everie Ailment".

If it hadn't been for the posters of Ganondorf scattered about the square, with various propaganda slogans attached ("Belovedde Father of Hyrule", "Servant of ye Goddesses", "He Who Standes in ye Lite" etc.), one might have been able to forget that the LOVE had ever existed. Yet there he was, his grinning face plastered onto every wall in a way Zelda would have abhorred, checking that the Hylians were not saying anything derogatory about him. One poster showed him with a moustache and monocle drawn on, making him look as if Bertie Wooster had dyed his hair ginger and got a nasty case of green skin. Another bore the legend "Ganon smells like Medusas ass", scrawled on in childish handwriting.

But the poster Sonic noticed was a different one, next to a fish stall ("Fresh Todaye fromme Zora's Domayne!" claimed a sign). Block capitals informed the reader that two people were "WANTED: DEADDE OR ALYVE". Apparently, they were wanted "For Crymes Against Churche and Stayt", although what "crymes" it did not say. The face on the right was a vicious looking rat with spikes grafted onto its back (apparently an "Artyste's Impressionne"), but the one on the left was immediately recognisable and caused Sonic to choke on the remains of the pain au chocolat.

He dashed back to the café as fast as the crowd would let him.

o o o

"Hey, guys, can't we figure this out? How about I buy you another pint of whatever that stuff is you're drinking each, eh? As a thank-you for letting me go? Huh?"

Sonic returned to the café to find the Captain being menaced by three muscular tattooed pigs, standing on their hind legs and pointing spears in a threatening manner at him. They grunted in a sinister fashion and moved ever so slightly closer. Their malevolent appearance was offset by their gaudy purple and cyan trousers.

"Look, I ain't never been in Hyrule before, and I don't want to cause no trouble. So what do you say to just letting me go and…"

From Sonic's point of view, it looked as if his comrade had fallen backwards. Then one of the pigs squealed as his legs were kicked from under him. The Captain jumped over the prone guard and the spears of the other two, which were thrust from either side towards the escapee. He landed cleanly by the cashier, snatching a jug off the counter.

"Eat coffee, motherfuckers!"

The scalding liquid and glass shards hit the oncoming guard in the face, making him drop his spear and clutch at his eyes in pain. His cohort banged into him at some speed and the two toppled over in a heap.

"Should have said 'Drink coffee', shouldn't I? Run, Sonic!" Dropping a banknote onto the counter to pay for the damage, the Captain dashed into the street, Sonic close behind him.

The Captain had been intending to rush out of the gate and away from the town as fast as possible, but three more guards occupying the drawbridge put paid to that plan. Instead, they rushed down small side streets, where the crowd was not as thick, trying to keep ahead of the porcine procession behind them, surprisingly mobile for all their bulk. They dodged through back alleys, gardens and even the scaffolding around an almost completed tower.

"In there!" shouted the Captain, pointing to a very old building across the main square from them.

"Why?" asked Sonic as three more guards appeared ahead of them.

"Old ruins should have lots of places to hide!"

Sonic dodged round a guard, jumped over a swing of his mighty spear and headed on towards the crumbling temple.

"You better have listened in to some damn good information to have put us through this!"

"Oh, I did," panted Falcon, smiling. "Your friend's alive!"


	3. Part 3

Wario was used to travelling at dangerous velocities. His custom-made Wario Bike had a ridiculously overpowered engine that took him from 0-60mph in under two seconds. He loved the thrill of the open road, the wind in his hair (or at least his cycling hat), the feeling of pure, unfettered speed. (The environment it poisoned could go hang.)

But he had never driven anything quite like this baby. Its engine made the Wario Bike's look like a toy car's. It was streamlined for minimum air resistance, and it floated a few centimetres off the ground for minimum friction. It even had a button which would give him an extra burst of speed for a few seconds when depressed. He loved it.

Even better, he had not had to pay a penny for it. It had been found by one of King Dedede's army of Waddle Dees (small red blobs with eyes, arms, feet and not much else) on a day in which he had been staying in Dreamland. He had been walking back from the pub to his hotel, blind drunk and his backside emitting all manner of noxious chemicals, when he had literally bumped into about ten of the creatures, dragging the car with the aid of a sled. Even when like a newt, Wario had a good eye for a proposition, and he had told the small animals that he would take the transport to King Dedede himself. The trusting little fellows had toddled off, leaving him in sole possession of the mother and father of all sports cars.

In fact, its top speed was so ridiculous that he still used the Wario Bike for any journeys that required more than very few corners. These included:

Any journey around a city;

Any journey along country roads;

Any cross-country journey that was not almost a perfect straight line;

Most journeys not in one of the above categories.

But the journey from Smashville's "The Roost" bar to Hyrule's Castle Town consisted of two minute's drive down a straight city road, followed by a long period of cross-country travelling that was almost a perfect straight line.

And thus, Wario was using the Blue Falcon.

o o o

"Now, for Gods' sake tell me what you heard!"

"In a minute," panted the Captain, doubled over.

"Oh for crying out loud. We didn't run that far!"

This was not quite true. They had dashed hell-for-leather into the main square towards the old abandoned temple, leaping over the barriers proclaiming that there was to be "NO ENTRYE Except with Royalle Permissionne" because the ruin was "UNSAYFE" and "Perilouse to Lyfe and Limbe". A large steel shutter, obviously intended to deter those who thought the warning signs were some sort of joke (put up by some bored workmen on their coffee break, maybe), had fallen to a Falcon PUNCH, which had landed them in one of the greatest triumphs of nature over man's efforts they had ever seen.

What had obviously once been an impressive building dedicated to the three goddesses of Hyrule, and indeed possibly the architect's life's work, had large holes in the ceiling and walls. Massive boulders littering the floor were covered with moss, and everywhere vines and shoots curled around what remained of the stonework. A large statue, possibly meant to be of one of the goddesses, was wrapped in a tendril's passionate embrace, and had a patch of lichen across her ample bosom.

The two fugitives had no time to admire their surroundings, as a troupe now consisting of some twenty guards was continuing to close in on them. The journey across the main square had allowed them to close the gap, as although Captain Falcon and Sonic had had a tough time keeping their speed up while dodging members of the crowd, the guards had simply ploughed through, trampling and barging aside pedestrians as if they did not exist.

But as their quarry dashed through the empty expanse of the ruined temple and the labyrinth of passageways that existed underneath, it became clear that the pigs' top speed was lacking, and it was not long before Sonic and the Captain had completely lost their pursuers. This allowed the Captain, now somewhere far below the temple, to pause and get his breath back.

Sonic was not even sweating. He had been frantically asking his co-runner for what he had overheard in the café, and was now feeling slightly impatient with him.

At last, the Captain straightened up. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you what I heard.

"I was getting over my potion – strong stuff, for real men only – when I saw three of those Moblins in a corner of the café, sitting round a table and drinking something… well, nasty-looking. So I bought a Deku pastry and sat down."

"And there was me thinking you were just peering down that woman's top."

The Captain gazed at the ceiling. "Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about her. Fuck, she had massive…"

"When you've finished your daydream, Sparrow."

The Captain's gaze was like a knife. "_Falcon_. So anyway, these guys are talking in grunty voices, when one of them says that Ganny's never been the same since the LOVE. Like he's always been checking behind him, just in case. And then…"

"Ganny?"

"Ganondorf. Green skin, red beard, owns Hyrule? Him. And then another one says how he's never been the same since…" He paused meaningfully and, bending towards Sonic, whispered in his ear, "…since _the beardy guy got away_."

Sonic's face was wreathed in an enormous smile. He was not surprised, of course. Not at all. He had always known that Snake was alive. It was just nice to have the confirmation, that was all, and it allowed him to feel smug that he had been right all along. He said some words to this effect.

"Yeah, well, whatever," blustered the Captain, slightly put out. "Fuck you. Then the third Moblin punches his chum over the head and tells him not to say that in public, and they look around all furtive like to check nobody's listening. And of course I am. So they get up and start menacing me. So I'm like, 'Hey, guys, can't we…'"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Sonic, getting impatient again. "I was there for the rest."

The two of them looked around, as if noticing for the first time where they were. Their current location was a massive cavern, pitch black except for the luminous mushrooms that dotted the walls. The remnants of skeletons were just visible in the glow. A faint dripping sound echoed throughout the vast expanse.

"Okay," said Sonic slowly, "where are we?"

The Captain shrugged.

Sonic dashed off, faster than the human eye could follow, to the other end of the hall. Seconds later he returned, shaking his head.

"It's entirely empty."

"Well, there's a surprise."

"Found yer!"

The second comment was Falcon's. The third came from the leader of a group of twenty-two Moblins, who had just appeared from the passages leading down from the temple. Moblins may not have the highest of top speeds, but they are remarkably perseverant. They held lanterns in their left hands – in their right, the massive spears looked even more threatening in the dim light.

"Fought you could escape, didjer?" sneered the same Moblin, who appeared to have taken the position of spokesman for the group. "Yew fought wrong, my lucky lads. We'll kill yer ourselves and nab me a nice little promotion."

The Moblin bunch grunted in a manner concurrent with what their representative had said, apart from one voice near the back of the group.

"I fought yew said we'd all get promos, Gyorg."

"Dass what I said, innit?" said the one called Gyorg. "Nab ourselves a nice little promotion."

There was a little uncertainty among the Moblins, but they seemed to be satisfied with this.

"We can take them!" said Captain Falcon under his breath to Sonic, who looked a lot more uncertain.

"There's too many of them, you moron. We'd be skewered before we got the chance to attack."

"Well, are there any other exits to this place?"

"All blocked by fallen boulders."

"Fucking great."

"I wish you wouldn't swear all the time. It's vulgar."

"It's manly."

"So is not washing for days."

"I haven't showered for three weeks."

"Ew!"

The Moblins' spears were lowered until their points were about level with Sonic's eyes. The duo braced themselves for the onslaught.

"Game over, chumps!" spat Gyorg.

Sonic silently hoped that the Captain would raise his armpit and their assailants would die from the stench.

That did not happen, but three other things did in quick succession. First, there was a brilliant flash of light between Sonic and the Captain, who were both momentarily blinded. Second, Gyorg felt a sudden burst of pain in his chest and staggered back, onto the spear of one of his comrades. Third, an arrogant child's voice came from behind Sonic, calling out, "The fight is on!"

The sensible thing for Sonic and the Captain to do would have been to attack the Moblins while they were distracted. Of course, they turned around instead, to see that their guardian angel had come to save them.

And it actually was an angel in almost every particular. He was a young and handsome boy with magnificent feathery wings erupting from his back. He was dressed in a white tunic and brown leather boots. One wrist bore what looked like two shining halos, while the other hand carried a small bow. There was only one detail in which he deviated from the standard angel, and that was the black hair gelled down over his left eye.

He brought the bow to his face again and, as if by magic, a glowing arrow formed, notched and ready. It then sped towards the hapless Gyorg, who was already struggling to remove one arrow from his chest and a Moblin spear from his back. This second arrow hit him in the face, and was the final straw. As he gurgled upwards, Gyorg's soul left his body, and it is to be hoped that it found his longed-for promotion in the next life.

Without their temporary leader, and with no clear objective save "crush bad peoples", the Moblins were an anarchic rabble. They charged unsteadily, each at its own pace, which resulted in at least two closer to the front being killed by the spears of those towards the back. When they reached the front line of offence, one at a time, they were easy targets for a Sonic/Falcon double attack, met on one side by Sonic's rapidly spinning body and on the other by the Captain's flaming techniques, and all the while bombarded by the angel's arrows.

It was not long before Generic Moblin Guards 8-22 fled the area, in a scene that was even more disorderly than that of their advance. The remaining seven littered the area with their corpses. Ironically, all the deaths apart from Gyorg's had been caused by clumsiness with spears rather than the efforts of the three fighters. Sonic wiped green Moblin blood off his trainers.

The angel held his bow high. "Great Palu-…" he shouted, stopping mid-word, then starting again: "Victory is ours!"

Afraid of the charge of the band of Moblins as he had been, Sonic was more than a bit miffed to have been saved, or even aided, by a cocky prepubescent, and it was a begrudging "Thanks for helping us" that made its way between the hedgehog's lips.

"No problem, guys!" The angel looked at him out of his one exposed eye. "What are you doing down here anyway?"

"I could ask you the same thing, fly-boy."

The angel looked almost wistfully around the ruined hall. "I like the darkness here. It reflects the torment and anguish within my heart."

"Oh great," said the Captain. "We've been saved by the world's only emo angel."

The one eye turned instead to Captain Falcon, and was filled with a sudden light. "OMG! Captain Falcon! You're like the only hero that escaped the Purges! And I watched every one of your F-Zero races!" He detached the two halves of the bow, which became two short swords. "Can you autograph my shield?"

The Captain's chest swelled. "Sure thing, kid!" He scratched his signature onto the reflective plating of the shield the boy had whipped out.

"Wow! Thanks!" The boy looked at the autograph in wonder. "The chicks'll love hearing how I saved the famous Captain Falcon!"

"Now just a minute, kid!" said the Captain, his chest deflated again. "You didn't save us, okay? In fact, if we hadn't been here, those Moblins would have slaughtered you!"

The angel gave a short laugh. "What do you mean? You led them here!"

Sonic intervened. "Yeah, yeah, that's all very nice, but we got a man to find. We don't have time to waste here."

"You going to fight the LOVE?" asked the angel to the pair's backs. "Can I, like, come with you? I hate the LOVE. I'm like already in trouble with them for defacing posters of Ganon."

Sonic recalled the untidy scrawl on the propaganda posters.

"Look, we appreciate the offer, kid…" he began.

"I'm not a kid! I'm a member of the royal bodyguard of the goddess Palutena! Only I quit because she didn't understand me. I don't think anybody understands me."

"Bodyguard to a goddess. Yeah. Course you are. Listen, kid, this is going to be dangerous…"

"Hey, I just saved your asses! You should be begging me to come along!"

"Well we're not," said the Captain firmly. "We're doing fine on our own. We don't need some winged brat gumming up the works. So you go off and get through puberty, and then get back to us." And he walked confidently towards the hall's exit, Sonic at his side.

"That's fine," said the angel, crossing his arms. "See you later, when you get out of the labyrinth. And I like really hope you used a ball of like string or something to mark your way, 'cause it's really not that easy to get through. I've seen people like starve to death in here."

Sonic looked into the pitch-black darkness of the tunnels beyond. Then he looked at the bones on the floor. Then he looked at the Captain.

They sighed.

o o o

"And here we are, back in the sunlight. Not bad, huh?"

Sonic had to admit that the little brat had got them out into the light quicker than he had expected. While they had passed the Moblins a few times, obviously hopelessly lost and probably destined to starve, the angel had known the tunnels inside out, using landmarks such as a particularly large clump of mushrooms or a misshapen skeleton. Apparently, this was because he spent a lot of time here in the tunnels so that "the darkness could heal his wounded soul".

Sonic now knew rather more about the angel than he cared to. His name was Pit ("Hehe. ArmPit," the Captain had said), and his claim to fame was having saved the goddess Palutena from her evil counterpart Medusa. He now hated said Palutena because she was "crushing his spirit", and had fled her service to, "like, find my meaning in life". Thus he had spent the last few years wandering about, taking on what jobs he could get, writing poetry and trying to find a girlfriend. On the last point, at least, he had so far been remarkably unsuccessful.

It was while involuntarily listening to this drivel (which had at least rendered the Captain mute and thoughtful) that Sonic had found them finally emerging into the temple proper, and was once again forced to thank Pit for services rendered.

"Hah, no need to thank me," said Pit, a bit too smugly. "Just remember our little deal."

"What little deal?"

"Don't you remember?" said Pit, a shade reproachfully. "You said that if I got you out of the maze, I could, like, come with you guys."

"No, _you_ said that."

"But you agreed!"

"No we didn't!" yelled Captain Falcon.

"Er, actually, I kinda did," said Sonic bashfully, looking at his feet. "How else were we going to get out?"

"You better believe it!" said Pit, oblivious to Falcon's rage. "I'm with you all the way, guys!"

"Now, hold on, kid," said Sonic. "We've still got to get out of this town, and Sparrow…"

"FALCON."

"…is on the guards' most wanted list. And so are you by the sounds of things."

"Sure am!" said Pit, proudly. "But the guards are slow and stupid. As long as we stick to the back alleys they won't even know we're here."

Sonic looked unconvinced, but nodded slowly and started to walk out of the temple, Pit bouncing along behind him. "I can't believe I'm getting to travel with a real legend. Ooh, hey, we should _so_ call ourselves the League of Legends! That totally works!"

Sonic thought about this. "LOL?"

Pit did too. "Oh yeah. Maybe not."

o o o

The three of them stood a short distance outside the main gate, panting hard.

"They won't even know we're here," breathed Sonic, although he was not panting as hard as the other two. "That's what you said, right?"

"I didn't know they'd be waiting outside the temple!" gasped Pit. "C'mon, cut me some slack!"

"Well, at least they didn't follow us out of the town," conceded Sonic, straightening up and shaking his spines out. "Typical dumb guards, afraid of the unknown."

"**THAT'S MY CAR!**"

The fact that this text is bold, underlined and in block capitals should give some idea of how Captain Falcon yelled it. It was a primal scream of fury, emanating from the bowels and rising up slowly, filling the lungs with pure unfettered rage before being blasted out of the mouth with the force of a supersonic jet. Pit and Sonic were forced to cover their ears.

When said ears were uncovered they were met with a torrent of obscenities, as Captain Falcon, his tiredness forgotten, dashed towards his car and the person inside it, labelling the thief's mother with all sorts of pornographic and scatological epithets. Pit stood stunned for a second as his angelic ears adjusted themselves to the sheer level of swearing that was taking place. Then he followed Sonic, who was dashing to the Captain's side.

The Captain wrenched open the glass roof of the cockpit and stuck his hand inside. He then gave a yowl of pain and withdrew his arm, looking at the teethmarks on his hand and showering them with a further burst of foul language. It was at this point that Sonic and Pit caught up with him and that the pilot jumped out.

The man who faced them was a short, dumpy creature, dressed in biker gear – a blue denim jacket, a yellow helmet with goggles and, oddly, bright pink jeans which barely stretched around the wearer's prodigious waist. Greedy, piggy eyes stared at them from below massive dark eyebrows and above a strawberry-like nose. Below a jagged black moustache, two rows of yellowish teeth were arranged in a savage grin.

"So, you're the guys that everybody's looking for, huh?" said Wario, eyeing them up and down.

"GIVE ME BACK MY CAR, YOU BASTARD!"

Wario hiccoughed. He had drunk a lot at the Roost and the effects had not quite worn off yet, which was the reason the Falcon had three dents in.

"Nah," he said, "I don't think I will. Who's the angel guy? I don't recall hearing about him."

"I'm Pit, number 1 scourge of LOVE!" shouted Pit, brandishing his bow. Sonic put his head in his gloves.

"Ooh, scary!" said Wario, giggling. "Number 1 scourge of LOVE, eh? I'd better be careful then!"

"Yeah, you'd better!" said Pit, producing an arrow and firing it in one smooth movement.

Wario did not even blink. At first, it looked like he was falling over drunk, and given the colour of his cheeks and the hiccoughs that would not have been an unreasonable assumption; but he turned the tumble into an evasive manoeuvre that easily dodged the arrow and brought him back into fighting stance.

"Nice try, kid," he sneered. "My turn now."

Pit's nostrils flared. He leapt towards Wario, the bow's razor edges pointed at the villain's neck. At the same time, Sonic, who had been spinning on the spot, fired himself at Wario like a bullet, and Captain Falcon, with a shout of "Falcon Kick!", slid towards him foot-first, surrounded by flames.

Wario nonchalantly knocked back a single head of garlic.

There was a bright flash of light, blinding the oncoming attackers but not halting their attacks; this was unfortunate, because it had the result that all three hit the spot where Wario should have been and bounced backwards as if they had hit a wall.

In Wario's place stood a lycra-clad superhero, in cape, mask and suit. All three were purplish-pink and patterned with smiling garlic heads.

"WAAAAARIOMAN!"

What followed was pure unfettered carnage. Wario(man) charged bicep-first into Sonic, sending him flying. Intercepting a punch from the Captain, he grabbed the ignited fist and tossed it, with the Captain attached, onto the floor. He grabbed an arrow from Pit's bow in mid-air, causing it to shatter into a million bright flecks, and then propelled himself into the boy. There was a sickening crunch as the fat man's fists collided with the boy's slight frame.

"Wahahahahaaaa!"

Sonic charged into him from behind, and met a kick coming the other way. He was launched into and along the ground at high velocity and lay on the floor, all the fight taken out of him. Meanwhile, Wario sent the Captain flying in the opposite direction with a flick of his little finger, and then turned to Pit. The angel lay on the ground, breathing heavily and looking up at his aggressor with wide, terrified eyes, like a deer looking down the barrel of a hunter's rifle.

"Might as well get you out of the way first," said Wario, his piggy eyes alight as they stared at the boy. "After all, you are the number 1 scourge of LOVE, aren't you?"

There was another bright flash of light, and when it subsided the superhero outfit was gone, replaced once more by plain old Wario.

"Ah crap."

One half of the bow scythed upwards. Wario gave a cry and raised his hand to the strawberry-like object on his face, which was now squirting juice.

"Yeah, that's me," said Pit, a slight smile on his battered face. He notched an arrow.

It is possible that Wario could still have won the day. After all, Sonic and Captain Falcon were still exhaling heavily on the grass and showing no inclination to raise themselves, meaning that Wario only had to deal with the angel, who was not in the best of shapes. However, he was worried about his mode of transport. He had seen the light in the Captain's eyes, and heard the unbounded fury in the man's voice. If he concentrated on taking out the fairy-boy, what was to say that the Captain would not rouse himself and enter the machine while his back was turned? Furthermore, could the Captain, once ensconced in said machine, not hammer down the accelerator and run him over? Even as Warioman, he could not outrun such a beast of a car, and anyway he had no heads of garlic left.

This is why, instead of proceeding to kick the angel to a pulp, he ducked the arrow and sprinted back to the car, with surprising pace considering the size of his belly.

"Yeah well you won't be for much longer! I'll see to that!" he shouted over his shoulder. A second arrow lodged itself in the villain's backside and made him yelp, but it was not enough to prevent him from scrambling into his vehicle and heading off into the horizon.

"You can't defeat me!" said Pit weakly, getting shakily to his feet. His legs wobbled like those of a newborn calf. He managed to steady himself briefly, before falling flat on his face and remaining there.

The Captain was the first to rise. He looked about for Wario and his car. When he spotted the trail of dust, rapidly receding into the distance, he said some more things about Wario's mother before picking Sonic up.

"Thanks, Falcon," Sonic said as he leaned on the big man for support.

"You called me Falcon!" said the Captain.

"Let's make a deal here. You stop using the f-word, and I stop calling you any bird smaller than a hawk. Deal?"

"Sure, I guess. Don't know if I'll be able to keep it up for long."

The two of them, now both reasonably stable, helped to pick Pit off the floor.

"Did you see me?" burbled the angel. "I slashed him right in the schnozz! And got another shot directly in the butt! Don't know how he's going to sit down to drive after that one!"

"Palutena would be proud," said Sonic, while the Captain started grumbling about his car (or the lack thereof) in a manner that gave Sonic at least two uses of the names of birds smaller than a hawk.

"What now?" he asked, interrupting the Captain's grumbling.

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"You know what I want to do. I want to find Snake."

"Who's Snake?" murmured Pit.

The Captain ignored him. "So, you want us to search the whole of Nintendo for this guy? Is there nowhere he's likely to be?"

Sonic considered this unappealing prospect.

"Is there anywhere the LOVE hasn't taken over? I'm guessing that after they made that film, he'd want to get as far away from them as possible."

There was a moment of silence.

Pit spoke in a weak voice. "Yoshi's Island?"

Sonic looked at the Captain. The Captain nodded.

"Back to the car, Captain Pigeon."

o o o

Wario was thinking.

It was well known that he was a simple soul, after two things – money and power. He preferred money to power because of its texture. He loved running his hands through piles of treasure. In his castle back at home, he had huge piles of treasure stolen from temples of great former civilisations, and there were days in which he would spend hours just watching them sparkle. In addition, he had been chairman of the company Wario Ware Inc., now a multinational corporation that specialised in providing brief distractions to the bored. This had been a cushy job, and it had provided him with a steady income for a minimal amount of getting-off-backsidery.

He had joined the LOVE for three reasons. The first was that when Bowser had taken over the Mushroom Kingdom, where his castle was, the Koopa King had requisitioned the castle and taken most of its treasures for supplementing the LOVE coffers. Joining the LOVE had been the only obvious way of getting it back.

The second was that the LOVE had organised a hostile takeover of Wario Ware Inc.; hostile to the point of disappearing shareholders who refused to hand over their portion of the company. Wario had owned 75% of the shares, so the LOVE had come knocking late one night to offer him a choice – join them, hand over the shares or be beaten over the head by the burly Hammer Brothers (large tortoises bearing… yes, you guessed right) standing outside his door.

The third reason, and the only satisfactory one, was that he had hoped to get more money and power by joining. This had so far not happened. He had been given small areas of control – governor of the small city state of Diamond City (which he basically had been already), second-in-command of the Mushroom Kingdom (which involved sitting around doing nothing, and then meeting up with Bowser every month to listen to how he was going to run the country for the next month) – but nothing as big as chairman of Wario Ware Inc., now owned by the LOVE bigwigs. His current income was not even a twentieth of that he had received in this previous position.

As Wario applied a plaster to his sliced nose, he was wondering whether it was all really worthwhile. Of course, he did not want to be disappeared like Meta Knight, but maybe it might be possible to disappear himself without the LOVE knowing. Just ride away in the Blue Falcon without anybody knowing…

The sound of jingling coins came from his mobile. Wario sighed. Now he was somehow going to have to explain to King Dedede how he had run away from combat after some child cut his nose. He picked up the phone with a heavy heart, and answered the call with trepidation.

"Hey. Yeah, I searched Hyrule. Couldn't find them anywhere. They must have already gone by the time I got there. Yeah, I checked Hyrule Castle Town. No sign of them…"

o o o

Time passes.

The trio travelled across Hyrule Field in the small black car, which Captain Falcon drove with even more reluctance now that he had been so close to retrieving his machine. Having heard about the planet of Nintendo and Pit's life story, Sonic thought that maybe the other two might want to hear a bit about him. He told them about the green expanses of Mobius, and about those who originated there – about Miles "Tails" Prower, the genius scientist who had got him here (who was a squirrel with two tails); his rival Shadow, a artificial life form who resembled a black hedgehog; the evil Ivo Robotnik, and his inept plans for world domination… He was slightly astonished to find that they paid no attention.

The Captain was lost in his own world of Blue Falcons and all the hideous punishments he would inflict on Wario, while Pit was occupied with the song about self-harm he was listening to (and humming annoyingly) on his music player. And so Sonic drummed his fingers on the glove compartment and longed for open space.

They crossed the border between Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom without a hitch, the scenery changing from the barren desert to Hyrule's west into the quicksand- and cactus-laden desert to the Kingdom's east. The figures around them changed slightly, from sand worms and green goblins into large, multi-segmented cacti with eyes and mice clad in Bedouin clothing. They slept in the car, and purchased edibles and fuel from the various small towns and desert outposts they encountered.

And time passes.


	4. Part 4

King Bowser Koopa sat in his room in Mushroom Castle, fiddling idly with a small stress toy. It was designed to look like Mario, his nemesis, and right now he was in severe danger of squeezing Mario's head clean off.

Looking at Bowser, one might have thought that he would have little need for such a toy. He was a giant spiky-shelled tortoise-dinosaur hybrid, with fiery hair, two prominent horns and claws the size of a child's arm. He was in charge of the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as being governor of the Kongo Jungle and second-in-command of a number of smaller nations. He had Princess Peach Toadstool captive in the adjacent boudoir. His life, to many an external observer, would have seemed pretty smashing.

Often, all is not so simple as it seems on the outside. So it was here. Bowser had many problems. His children were renowned for being unruly and disobedient, and his aide-de-camp Kammy was old and incompetent. There was a bunch of people going around who had beaten up one of King Dedede's main guards, including the thought-to-be-dead Captain Falcon, who might encroach upon his territory at any moment. Ganondorf was running the LOVE rather more than he, as ruler of the biggest country in the world, liked. These were small fry, though, compared to the problem that finally split Mario's head from his body and made it roll down the back of Bowser's desk.

He was in love with Peach.

Peach, unsurprisingly, did not return the feeling. She was a young and beautiful woman, while he was an old and evil tortoise. Bowser had done everything short of freeing the woman that he could think of to woo her – he had given her everything she asked for in her boudoir, brought her flowers and presents from all across the world, taken her into the skies to see the planet from the Koopa Clown Car (his clown-faced personal helicopter) and even allowed her to take walks unsupervised outside the castle within a certain radius (beyond which his guards, the tortoise-like Koopa Troopers, kept watch). All was for naught – the Princess spurned his advances and spent hours weeping in her room.

Bowser tossed Mario's body towards a bin. It missed and landed in a pile with several incomplete declarations of love and two incomplete orders for Peach's execution.

The black telephone on Bowser's desk, covered in metal spikes, emitted a low and sombre melody. He hated the object. He preferred keeping his room as normal and un-Bowserish as possible – bed, desk, blue curtains with yellow stars, green wallpaper and a ceiling lamp with a cyan shade. A small grey cordless object would have suited the theme better. But the phone was a present from one of his sons, Larry Koopa, and since the young rapscallion paid him a visit occasionally he kept the thing on the desk, even though he hated the sight of it.

"Yeah what?" he growled into the receiver. He was in a growly mood.

A high voice came to him through the phone line. "Dad, I'm at the port."

Bowser smiled for the first time that morning. "Good, good! Can you see the boat? Can you see the boatman?"

"Not yet. I've got to get through all the paperwork crap first."

"None of that language, Junior. You got all your papers?"

"Don't sweat, dad, I've got everything."

"Documents? Disguise? Lunchbox?"

"I've got them, dad. Just chill."

"Okay, okay. I'm just worried about you, that's all."

"You don't need to worry, dad. I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, son. I believe you. Go out there and make your old man proud."

"Sure thing, da-…"

"And make sure they don't find out who you are!"

"I know, dad, I know! Look, I gotta get moving. Talk to ya later."

"Okay, son. Love you."

"Love ya, dad." Click. Beep.

The Koopa King was more content as he relaxed into his armchair. Bowser Junior was his favourite child, and by far the most competent of his offspring. He would get the job done, with no cock-ups.

o o o

The Mushroom Kingdom port at Jolly Roger Bay is a very busy place. This is because it is filled with would-be emigrants, hoping to start a new life away from the LOVE on Yoshi's Island. Like any governing body, the LOVE do not like the idea of people escaping their administrative region in search of a better existence, and that is why the security controls here (and only here) are so strict.

One has to have, in addition to one's passport and ticket, a declaration of purpose, stating what one's intention is and how long one intends to stay there. If it is for holiday/business (delete as appropriate), one must also have a holiday/business form signed by the travel agency/firm stating where one will stay and when one will return and allowing one to be dragged back kicking and screaming if one stays any longer. If it is for habitation, the application is likely to be sent back with a big red cross on.

None of the three had these things. Pit's passport was the only one they would dare to show to the staff – Sonic's was a fake based on the old, pre-LOVE design, and was therefore likely not to be accepted, while Captain Falcon's would have got him arrested upon sight. None of the three had any tickets, declarations of purpose or holiday/business forms.

"Well, that's it," said Falcon. "We're stuck here. No Yoshi's Island for us."

"There has to be a way across!" said Sonic. "I can run on water for short distances. How far is the trip?"

"Miles," said the Captain. "If you ask me, we'd be better off looking for Wario."

"Good thing I don't, then."

But despite Sonic's determination, he had to agree that the situation seemed hopeless. There was no way they were getting past the stern-faced customs guards, Koopa Troopers almost as wide as they were tall. He felt that they were up a creek with a distinct lack of any propulsion implement.

"Excuse me."

The voice was a low, echoing growl, and it came from somewhere in the vicinity of their feet. They looked down to find a very small man in naval clothes. The smart blue hat and high collar covered his face, leaving only a pair of bright yellow eyes.

"I believe you are Messrs. Spike, Phoenix and Lightwing. Arrangements have already been made for your travel to Yoshi's Island, so there will be no need for you to pass through customs. You _are_ Messrs. Spike, Phoenix and Lightwing, correct?"

Sonic was quick on the uptake. "Mr. Spike's the name, travelling's my game!"

"I have your travel documents right here. And you two are Messrs. Phoenix and Lightwing?"

Pit was not so quick on the uptake. "What are you talking about? I'm Pit, and that's Sonic, and this is… Mmm!"

Captain Falcon was involved in trying to gag Pit. "Yeah, that's Mr. Lightwing, and I'm Captain Phoenix. Now show me your boat!"

He received some papers. "I will assume that you meant Dr. Phoenix, since that is who I have the documents for."

"Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'll take Mr. _Lightwing_'s documents too, if he doesn't mind."

"Excellent," said the man in naval uniform. "If you would like to follow me."

The Captain released Pit, who gasped for air. "Jeez, man, when was the last time you took a shower?"

Ignoring him, the Captain whispered in Sonic's ear. "Do you think we can trust this guy?"

"How should I know?" replied Sonic, as "this guy" ordered the customs officials to step aside. "But it's the only way we have any chance of getting to the island."

"True. And I kinda like being called Dr. Phoenix. Say, how come you never call me that?"

"Have a shower and we'll talk."

o o o

_Toot toot._

Only one passenger boat goes to and from Yoshi's Island. This boat is a luxury cruise liner, made even more luxury since only the well connected can afford the fees required to escape the LOVE's sphere of influence for even a short time. Yet there they stood, the three of them, on the good ship _TPS_ ("The Princess' Ship") _Strawberry_, having just hitched a ride completely free of charge and without even knowing how they had got on.

It was not long after boarding that they had realised that the man who had let them on was in fact that captain of the ship. This knowledge had come about through hearing the unmistakable echoing growl through the intercom, telling them that his name was Captain Cape and he hoped that they had a pleasant journey. Shortly before he had left them to their own devices, Cape had advised them to remain in their separate and far from shabby rooms, and to be as invisible as possible to the other passengers (of which there were not many). Yet Sonic, already cramped from being in the car for too long, had felt claustrophobia setting in, and so had gone to the gym in order to turn the running machine up to its maximum setting and still take it at a gentle stroll. Pit, who was after all a growing lad, was gulping down snacks at the ship's free bar.

The Captain was taking a shower in his private berth. Disappointed though he was to shed his manly aroma, Pit's comment when escaping from his arm had been enough to make him realise that even the most manly of men must clear the stale sweat from his armpits at times. In addition, Doctor Phoenix was not a bad alias, and was at any rate preferable to "Captain Sparrow", "Captain Thrush" and, Sonic's latest invention, "Captain Guinea Fowl". Thus he came out of the shower clean as a whistle, gently humming a thrash metal air and with the towel wrapped around his muscle-bound waist.

There was a man in naval uniform in his room.

A lesser man might have screamed like a girl or attempted to cover himself up better. Not Captain Falcon. Years of rigorous fitness training for F-Zero races had given him a very toned physique, and he did not mind anybody staring at it as long as staring was as far as it went.

He stared nonchalantly at Cape. Cape had to crane his neck almost ninety degrees to stare back.

"I would like to speak with you," said Captain Cape.

"Sure thing. Er… Mind if I get dressed first?"

"I think that would be a good idea."

Cape retired, and Falcon squeezed into the same tight uniform he always wore. It had occurred to him that wearing a disguise might be a good idea now that he was wanted again, but he was too arrogant to exchange his trademarked racing clothes for anything else. (In addition, he did not own any other clothes besides a few changes of underpants and socks.) Nonetheless, he conceded that some form of change in appearance might be advised, and so left his helmet in the room, revealing for all to see a head of curly auburn hair that would not have been out of place on a cute toddler, and a pair of steely grey eyes which would.

When he came out of his berth, Cape was flanked by Sonic and Pit, both of whom were looking slightly confused as to what was going on. Cape nodded at Captain Falcon.

"These friends of yours – are they trustworthy?"

Now the Captain looked confused as well. "Er, I think so. Why?"

"Good. We shall all take a stroll up to the bridge. Come."

They all followed the little man who had, for reasons still unknown to them, secured them safe travel to Yoshi's Island. Of course, the "safe" was still in some doubt, and it was possible that when they got to the bridge they would be killed or captured. However, they were not exactly swimming in a sea of other options.

They reached the control deck, where a crew consisting of three Koopas and a Koopatrol (a large Koopa dressed from head to toe in spiky armour, dyed with the same purple and cyan colouring as the Moblins' trousers) were playing poker while the ship sailed on autopilot. Cape waved the crew from the bridge and they left without a word. He motioned the trio over to the vacated sofas, and with not a little difficulty hauled himself up onto a swivel chair.

"You are not, in fact, Messrs. Spike, Phoenix and Lightwing, are you?"

Pit looked cautiously at Sonic and the Captain before answering. "Er, no, we're not. I'm Pit, this is Sonic and this is Captain Falcon."

Cape nodded. "It was Captain Falcon I recognised. I myself am not, in fact, Captain Cape. Although I will not tell you my real name at this time, I will tell you this: that I hate the LOVE as much as you do, albeit for very different reasons.

"Listen very carefully. If anyone ever finds out that I have let you onto this ship, I will be dead. So will you. But if I tell anyone that you snuck onto the ship, it will be my word against yours. I will get off scot-free. You will not."

Falcon gritted his teeth and made as if to rise. "Why, you son of a motherf-…"

"Calm down, Captain. I am not going to blackmail you. All I am asking you to do is carry out one simple task for me."

"What's the task?" asked Sonic. "Getting you some cough pastilles for your throat?"

The yellow eyes narrowed. "I always speak like this."

"What about a stepladder for your chair?"

"Solid Snake."

The name stopped Sonic's wisecracks dead in his throat.

"I trust you know who he is? I want you to find him for me."

"Well darn it, man, that's what we want as well!" said Pit. "No need to start threatening us!"

"That makes things easier. Now listen to me.

"About five months ago, I found him, shortly after the LOVE had dropped him out of a helicopter, almost dead. When I found out what had happened to him, I resolved to help him in any way I could. I brought him to a ship destined for Yoshi's Island…"

"He's on the island?" cried Sonic.

"Please, let me finish. I had some small funds that I used to buy the ship, and so transported him to Yoshi's Island. I then kept the ship and started the service you see me involved in now. It allowed me to continue to go back and forth from the island without suspicion being raised. I told Snake that once he had recovered, he should contact me and that I would take him back to the mainland. I have not heard from him since."

"You want us to find him and report back?" said Sonic.

"Exactly."

"How do we know this isn't a trick? You could be working for LOVE, and we could be handing him over to them."

"Cape" gave a short, harsh laugh. "Yes, I could. I hadn't thought of that. But surely if I was handing him over, I wouldn't have let people who could help him onto the boat in the first place."

Sonic pondered this, and could not deny the truth of what the little man said. There was a brief silence across the bridge, broken only by a very soft, very low humming.

"What's that humming coming from?" said Pit.

Cape faced the control deck. "I don't know," he said, hurriedly running his hands over the buttons. "The autopilot is usually completely silent…."

His hand found something. Carefully, he turned the small black object over.

"It's a bug," he said softly. "This entire conversation is being listened to."

What had been the figure of Captain Cape suddenly became a small whirling tornado. The trio had to cling onto their chairs to avoid being sucked into the small vortex. Out of the top fell the two halves of the microphone, which had been cleanly bisected.

When the whirlwind subsided, Captain Cape was no more. Instead, a small round figure stood in the captain's place. His face consisted of a metal plate with two yellow eyes peering out, and his body consisted of his face. He had two stubby feet, shod in knight's boots, and two stubby arms, bearing knight's shoulder pads and white gloves. One hand held a yellow sword with a flame design. A purple cape completed the "knight crossed with a hub-cap" appearance. On the ground, a naval uniform and a pair of stilts were all that remained of Captain Cape.

The entire trio recognised this entity. Sonic had read about him in the preparatory booklet on Nintendo, while the other two knew him from LOVE political broadcasts. All three had assumed he was dead.

"Destiny calls," said Meta Knight, racing from the bridge. "And I respond."

o o o

Imagine, if you will, that it is your first day at work. All of your co-workers view you with suspicion because you look different, you lose 5,200 Mushroom Kingdom coins to them in poker, and to top it all off the boss sends you away for ten minutes before coming back and removing your helmet with a single swipe.

A bad first day at work by anybody's reckoning, but even worse for Bowser Jr., who had been dressed as a Koopatrol. Now he was being menaced by an angry-looking hubcap, flanked by a large blue rodent, an emo angel and Captain Falcon. He was not feeling good.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" growled Meta Knight.

Bowser Jr. could not swim, especially not while wearing a heavy suit of armour. The chances of his escaping were not looking high.

"I know that you're Meta Knight," he said.

"How very perceptive of you. Fight me."

"Hold on a minute!" said Captain Falcon. "You're a member of the LOVE. We ought to take you down."

"Ex-member. I told you, I hate…"

Meta Knight was sent flying across the deck by a blow from the large paintbrush that had suddenly appeared in Bowser Jr.'s claws.

"You cad," he said, getting up and wiping the paint from his mask. "Attacking when you foe's back is turned! Have you no decency at all?"

For reply, BJ ducked inside his shell and rocketed across the deck towards Meta Knight, who disappeared with a wave of his cape and reappeared on top of the safety barrier. Captain Falcon rushed to help, but Meta Knight held up a glove.

"No," he said. "This is a fight between equals. Just because he resorts to dirty tactics, it does not mean I have to follow his example."

"But I've just had a shower."

"No, _tactics_," said Sonic.

"Ah."

BJ let loose a stream of fireballs which rocketed across the deck. Meta Knight ducked, dodged and rolled around them, dealing the last projectile a direct blow with his sword. The fireball sped back and hit its creator on the nose. While he staggered, hindered by his choice of clothing, Meta Knight whisked to his opponent's side and delivered several choice strokes to BJ. The effect was rather like an angry animated hubcap delivering several choice strokes to BJ.

The hubcap flipped backwards, waving his sword menacingly. Regaining his balance, the younger Bowser charged with his paintbrush outstretched and weapons collided with a clang. It was obvious about five seconds into the confrontation that the Koopa was seriously outmatched – that was the point when he found himself on the floor on his back, looking up at the flame-like blade levelled at his eyes.

"Come back when you can put up a fight."

o o o

"This is Captain Cape speaking. We have arrived at Yoshi's Island. I hope you all have a pleasant stay, unless you are spies or members of the LOVE; in which case, I hope that you are repeatedly stabbed by a rusty knife. In the face. On behalf of Cape Tours, we hope that you had a pleasant journey."

Meta Knight then flew down from the bridge to join the others. They stood some distance away from the ship where they could not be seen by the exiting passengers, who were wearing rather shocked expressions.

"So, do you believe that my hatred for the LOVE is genuine?" he asked the assembled group, a tad stunned themselves.

For reply, Sonic seized the little creature's hand and shook it vigorously.

"Good thing I'm not a spy," said Pit absent-mindedly. "I like my face."

"By the way, what's happened to our hostage?" asked Sonic.

"He remains in the hold, his arms and legs secured," said Meta Knight. "We need not worry about him for a while."

They surveyed their surroundings. There were no strict border controls at this end of the journey, because Yoshi's Island was in no danger of losing many inhabitants to the LOVE territories. Instead, there was a wooden beach hut with "Welcome!" in big colourful letters on a banner, from which Yoshis of all colours handed out fruit drinks in half-watermelons with paper umbrellas. Captain Falcon was drinking one.

"There's no alcohol in this!" he said, looking dejectedly into his watermelon half.

"So what are you going to do now?" Sonic said to Meta Knight.

The hubcap shrugged. "I don't know. I suppose I will help you search for Snake. I wonder what has happened to him."

"I'm just glad he's alive."

"I mean, it would go so well with some tequila, but they probably haven't even heard of it here. Bunch of big-nosed idiots."

A Yoshi took the Captain's watermelon, squeaking cutely, its big nose bobbing up and down.

"See what I mean? Probably don't understand a word I'm saying."

"She just called you an ignorant orang-utan with no fashion sense," translated Meta Knight.

"You speak Yoshi?" asked Sonic.

"A little."

"Then you can ask them where Snake went?"

"I could try."

o o o

Bowser Junior had been on this planet for a short time, compared to his siblings and father, and thus had not had time to learn how to control his fire breath. Now, when he was tied up in the hold and the only means of escape seemed to be setting his bonds ablaze, seemed to be as good a time as any.

He tried to turn his head around and face his feet. When he had craned his neck as far as it would feasibly go, he let loose a burst of flame, which unfortunately manifested itself as a large red fireball that missed his bonds entirely and bounced off the wall, shaking the brig he was in to the point where his mobile phone fell out of his pocket.

This gave him a new idea.

o o o

The BowserPhone played its sad and heavy tune. Its owner picked it up, giving a sad and heavy sigh. He had been busy trying to order a Moltres feather off the Internet, Moltres being a Pokémon of which there was only one in existence and the present therefore being a sure-fire hit with Peach, but the blasted things could be found for neither love nor money, even though Bowser had plenty of both.

"Who is it?" he said mournfully into the receiver.

"I'm locked in the hold of a luxury cruise liner. I'm tied up, and talking into my phone by leaning over it."

"Oh. Right." A pause. "Er, who is it?"

"Your son."

Bowser jumped out of his chair. "Junior?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to you?"

"I found out that the captain was…"

"Meta Knight!" Bowser roared. "That scum!"

"Yeah."

"He was the one who tied you up?"

"Yeah."

"You do say 'yeah' a lot, don't you?"

"Ye- I mean, not really."

"Have no fear, son," declaimed Bowser, standing on his chair in what he imagined to be a heroic fashion. "Your old dad will exact swift and drastic revenge on those who attempt to harm his children. Meta Knight will rue the day he walked back into our lives! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE! GWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Look, there's something I overheard you oughta know. They were talking about…"

"Not now, son. I'm busy exacting vengeance."

The chair broke.

o o o

"...The next thing I knew, I woke up in the middle of Hyrule Field."

"Why didn't they just kill you?" asked Sonic.

"I imagine that they wanted me to live as a humiliated shell of my former self. In that case, they should have stolen my sword as they stole my ship."

The quartet was walking up a mountain, at the top of which a Yoshi friend of Meta Knight's lived. As they walked, Meta Knight told them the story of how, as a result of his opposition to the cruelty of their actions and of King Dedede being put in charge of his warship, the Halberd, the LOVE had knocked him out and dumped in Hyrule Field. Sonic was listening with a rather bored expression on his face, the Captain was suppressing (manly) tears of sympathy for the loss of the Halberd and Pit was plugged into his music player, listening to lyrics concerning suicide while at the same time marvelling with his one exposed eye at the bright sunlight and rainbow colours of the island.

"But villains are cruel," said Sonic. "It's practically one of their defining characteristics. If you didn't like cruelty, why did you join the LOVE in the first place?"

Meta Knight turned his eyes to the ground and did not answer. For a while, there were only the sounds of tropical animals and Pit humming songs about wrist slitting.

"So who is this friend, and how can he help us?" asked Sonic.

"He's the chief of the island," said Meta Knight. "Legend has it that he is the son of the Yoshi who saved Baby Mario and his brother from the clutches of the nefarious Bowser before they were even born."

Captain Falcon scrunched up his forehead. "That makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense," said Pit, as if explaining something to a particularly dense four-year-old. "Like, Baby Bowser's servant Kamek attacked the stork bringing the babies to Mama Mario. Duh."

Captain Falcon sighed and turned to Sonic. "Do you want to tell him or shall I?"

o o o

"Now you be careful with that thing. That's worth more than your year's salary, so you be damn careful."

The mechanic, a weary-looking Hammer Brother, sighed. "Mr. Wario, before you and your cohorts took over the world, I personally serviced every car entering the Mushroom Kingdom Grand Prix. I have also serviced this car of yours six times in the last two months. So I think you can trust me to know what I'm doing with it."

"Yeah, well, maybe if you'd serviced it a bit better the last five times I wouldn't have needed to bring it in this time!"

The mechanic bit his beak. This was a lie, and they both knew it. The reason it had come into his garage six times since its acquirement was that it was very fast, and Wario persisted in driving it while very drunk. However, one did not remind a member of the LOVE of such matters, and besides, the repairs had so far paid for two very expensive meals at the Royale Hotel, a racing car and a small yacht.

"Bling, bling, bling," went Wario's phone. The screen informed him that it was "Bowser calling".

"Yeah what?" he said gruffly.

"Don't you 'yeah what' me, you fat lazy toad," growled Bowser. "When was the last time you checked your e-mail?"

"Er, yesterday," said Wario, already fed up with the conversation. "Why?"

"Because I decided twenty minutes ago to invade Yoshi's Island. I will be using the entirety of the Mushroom Kingdom's air force, and my children – or at least the ones who haven't been _kidnapped and tied up in a ship_ – will be leading the attack."

"Good for you," said Wario, paying closer attention to the Koopa Trooper waxing his car. "What's it to do with me?"

"As second-in-command of the Mushroom Kingdom, you will be required on the front line."

Wario sprang up from the chair on which he had just sat as if the chair had decided that it resented the prodigious bottom squashing it, and had got its own back by spontaneously producing spikes.

"Whaaat?" he yelled. "Me? On the front line?"

"You coward," sniffed Bowser.

"Says the Koopa who will be sitting safe in his castle!"

"It's nearly time for the third LOVE meeting. I need to prepare my speech."

"But Ganondorf always does the speech!"

Bowser lost his temper. "You will be at your castle at one a.m. tomorrow," he growled down the line, "and you will get in the jet that comes to pick you up, and you will be on the front line of the invasion, and if you fail to fulfil any of these particulars you will become the next Meta Knight do I make myself perfectly clear?"

It may have occurred to the reader that Wario still supposed the knight in question to be dead. This definitely occurred to Wario. He opened his mouth to mutter a subdued agreement, but the line was as dead as he himself would no doubt be if he botched any of the details.

The mechanic put the final touches to cleaning the Blue Falcon and turned proudly to Wario, who was not there. He was, at that moment, squeezing himself out of the garage door, the Falcon all but forgotten.

"Where are you going, sir?" asked the Hammer Brother.

"To get a very large gin," came the reply. "Possibly two."


	5. Part 5

"Good afternoon, sirs, madams. I official translate person to chief of Yoshi's Island. Please welcome to sit."

They were standing outside a small wooden hut, different from the hundreds all over the island only in that it bore a large white banner with squiggles on, presumably saying that this was the house of the chief in Yoshi.

Meta Knight stepped forward and talked to the "official translate person" in what was presumably Yoshi, but sounded radically different due to what were usually adorable-sounding squeaks becoming low and almost threatening growls. When he had finished, the translator looked somewhat confused.

"You want to sell the chief for some portent?"

Meta Knight gave up. "All right, David. What's the Yoshi for, 'We want to see the chief. It's important'?"

David did some squeaking.

"That's what I said, is it not?"

"Pronounced 'see' wrong. Sounded like 'sell'. And you missed gut-tor-ral squeak meaning 'im' on 'important'."

"Oh. Well, can we see him?"

"I now not. He very busy. I go and talk to him."

The purple translator vanished inside the hut, leaving three of them to ponder language quandaries. Pit was unusually quiet.

"So they understand what we say, but they can't speak it?" asked Sonic of Meta Knight.

"Their vocal chords are not properly developed. David is an exception. He had years of training and not a little surgery."

"Then why is his grammar still so bad?"

"He's not the brightest star in the galaxy."

"Why do they all wear saddles and boots?"

"The boots protect their feet during long marches and on hot sand. The saddles are in honour of the Yoshi who carried Baby Mario to safety on his back."

"And they all have normal names? What's the chief's name?"

"Yoshi."

They were silent for a while. Sonic jogged on the spot. Then Pit spoke.

"So that's how babies are really made?"

Captain Falcon looked at him, an exasperated expression on his face. "Yes, kid. That's how babies are really made."

"Huh," said Pit. "I'd have thought falcons could fight off Kamek no problem."

"Not baby-carrying ones."

David returned. "The chief will see you know."

The small hut they entered was already filled to bursting. Every inch of wall and floor space was covered in fruit or fruit memorabilia. Pictures of fruit hung on the walls. The carpet had a watermelon motif. An oddly shaped apple was preserved in a glass case on a nearby shelf. Meta Knight and Pit hovered over the assorted debris (Meta Knight's cape unfolding into bat-like wings), but Captain Falcon and Sonic were forced to carefully make their way between statues of apples and banana-shaped footrests to the wicker chair at the other end of the room. In it, on a raspberry-shaped cushion, sat a green Yoshi with a headdress of multicoloured feathers, polishing off a bunch of grapes.

Upon viewing the entrants, he stretched his long and elastic tongue around a nearby melon, and pulled it into his mouth. It remained there, puffing out his cheeks, as he surveyed his guests. David jumped over the obstacles, wiggling his legs to give himself extra lift, and landed neatly beside the chair. Then he beckoned the others to speak.

Sonic stepped forward uncertainly. "Erm, your highness…"

"You don't call him 'your highness'," whispered Meta Knight. "It's what the Koopas call their ruler. It offends him."

Sonic blushed, an action which had the effect of turning his fur a charming shade of puce. "Perhaps you had better talk to him."

Meta Knight stepped forward and took Sonic's place.

"Hello, Yoshi," he said.

The Yoshi swallowed the melon and squeaked happily.

"He says hello," said David.

"I know," said Meta Knight, and interrupted by the occasional squeak from the Yoshis he told the story of Snake.

When he had finished (by which time Sonic had put his foot through a melon, Captain Falcon had sat on what appeared to be a papier-mâché lychee and Pit had acted out the story of Kamek and the baby-carrying falcons with strawberries), Yoshi sat in silence for a while, his tongue probing a bowl of pears. David looked on with an uncomfortable expression on his face. Finally, Yoshi's tongue curled around his pear of choice and pulled it into his mouth, and he started to squeak again.

"I beg your pardon?" said Meta Knight, sounding shocked.

"He say this nothing to do with us," said David. "It all polotikis."

"Polotikis?" asked Sonic, scratching a spike and trying to shake the melon off his foot.

"LOVE, ruling, governments, stuff."

"Oh, _politics_."

"Us Yoshis care not for pol-lee-tics," said David carefully, rolling the new syllables around his tongue.

"But listen, Yoshi!" cried Meta Knight. "This man is a tactics and weapons genius! He's our greatest weapon in our fight against the LOVE." (Captain Falcon coughed significantly at this juncture, and was ignored by everyone.) "And I left him in your care. You must know what happened to him!"

Yoshi yawned slightly before continuing.

"He say he care not," translated David. "All us Yoshis care not what happen to him. And care less too about LOVE. They leave us alone. We leave them alone. That _die ploe massy._"

"You selfish bastards!" Captain Falcon shouted. "How can you not care about the LOVE? They've taken over the entire planet apart from your stupid little island, and you don't care? They've killed millions of innocent people, and you don't care? You stupid assholes! What if they nuked your fucking island? Would you care then, huh?"

He stopped, panting. His allies were staring at him in shock. The Yoshis wore expressions of mild disbelief.

"Smooth, Sparrow," said Sonic softly.

o o o

"They were so nice about it," said Sonic from under his blanket. "They didn't kick us out, or him out. They just ended it calmly. And now I feel kind of guilty."

"They're used to it," said Meta Knight, wrapped in his cape. "The Yoshis are a very peaceful race, but this does mean that they come across as selfish at times. They won't intervene unless their way of existence is directly threatened."

"I just can't believe they called me a stupid asshole," grumbled Captain Falcon. "That's just rude."

"No," corrected Sonic, "you called them that."

"Oh yeah." Pause. "Well it still wasn't very nice to force us to sleep outside. What if it rains?"

"It doesn't rain in this season," said Meta Knight.

They were lying by the chief's house, on comfy grass mats and wrapped in rainbow blankets (save Meta Knight, who was using his cape). It was a beautiful balmy evening, with crickets and bullfrogs chirping and croaking away nearby. Down from the beach, the sound of Yoshis singing floated upwards. Had it not been for the day's events, it might have felt like a holiday.

"How are we going to get back?" asked Sonic. "I mean, you're not Captain Cape any more."

"Maybe we can hitch a ride back on a fruit liner."

"And then what do we do? How are we going to find Snake when we have no idea where he is?"

"Well," said Captain Falcon, "technically when we were going to Yoshi's Island, we had no idea where he was then either. So we're actually no worse off than we were."

"Guess so," said Sonic, turning over. "Plus, the LOL has a new member."

"I thought we weren't calling it the LOL."

"Oh, we're not. We're not."

All was peaceful and calm. On the beach, the Yoshis were singing a creation hymn.

"Because, you know, I always thought the whole stork story was just like a myth to fool young children so parents wouldn't have to tell them about sex. Wow. You learn something new every day."

o o o

The Blue Falcon was parked outside Wario's Castle, as the current owner remained inside huddling his knees to himself. No stranger to fighting, especially considering the times he had duelled Mario as his self-proclaimed No. 1 Rival, the portly businessman hated war. Fighting was something born out of anger. It was not supposed to be coldly and calmly waged by men in suits sitting around a table, manipulating their troops like toys.

Once again, the thought of deserting the LOVE came back. He could ride away in the fastest vehicle in existence, starting a new life somewhere far away where the LOVE could not get him. This idea hit a stumbling block – namely, the only place fulfilling the desired criteria was about to be invaded by the very army he did not want anything to do with.

So he sat, watching the raindrops fling themselves down the windscreen to their deaths and waiting for the airship to pick him up. It was ten minutes past midnight.

His phone started to bling, making bottom and seat detach from shock. When he recovered, he answered it and sent Bowser his utterly terrified greetings.

"Where are you?" came a snarl from the earpiece.

"Outside my castle, waiting to be picked up." And hating every moment of it, he did not say.

"Good. I shall send the ship around immediately. And by the way, my son gave me some interesting information."

"Oh yeah?"

"_Oh_ yeah. Seems like Captain Falcon and Meta Knight, along with two friends named Pit and Sonic, are on the island as well. Quite a haul, eh?"

Wario took some time off from the conversation to digest this news. Meta Knight alive. Well well well. The terror he had always felt about becoming the next Meta Knight was washing away like the rain down his windows. And he owed the other three a Wario-bashing.

"You still there, Wario?"

He felt the heads of garlic stowed away in his pocket.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said, his voice oozing with newfound confidence. "But I ain't gonna be for much longer."

"What do you mean?" Bowser growled with a threatening air.

"Well, you said that if I didn't stay to be picked up by the ship, I'd be the next Meta Knight, and now it turns out that Meta Knight is okay. So what's the point in waiting for the ship?"

"You filthy little shrimp! You can't desert now!"

"Oh, I'm not deserting. I'll be there. I've got some scores to settle with that bunch. See you on the front line, Bowser. Oh, wait – no I won't."

He hung up over Bowser's howls of complaint and slid the Blue Falcon into first gear, grinning manically. This would be fighting born out of anger, and therefore was fine by him.

o o o

"Can't sleep, Sonic?"

"Uh-huh. I'm wondering what happened to Snake."

"You really care for him, don't you?"

"Actually, I've never even met him."

Sonic and Meta Knight stared up at the stars. The night was filled with the silence of the jungle – that is to say, not silence at all. Insects of all shapes and sizes chirruped and sang in the hope of attracting mates. From far away, the call of an owl echoed over the land. Sonic listened to the whine of a mosquito, before squashing it between his hand and his face.

"What are you out for, Meta Knight?" asked Sonic.

"Every night, I repent for the sins of my past."

"It's just that Snake was sold to us as a sort of one-man army," said Sonic, evidently not caring at all about the answer. "He could do anything. Nothing could stand in his way. And the fact that the LOVE has… Well, that makes it seem unstoppable."

"Can you hear that whine?"

"It's just a mosquito. There are lots of them. I squashed one on my face a second ago. Is it still there?"

"No, no. It sounds a bit like a guided missile…"

They listened in silence for a bit.

"Oh yeah. So it does."

The missile ploughed into the side of the mountain. The resulting explosion shook the entire island, and sent up a huge plume of smoke and dust. Flocks of birds flew out of the treetops, calling plaintively.

Sonic and Meta Knight scrambled to their feet and rushed back to the chief's house. The lack of noise was phenomenal. Anywhere else would be in panic by this point, yet either the Yoshis had slept through the blast or they were very controlled. The cries of one baby could be heard from the village, and all the lights were on, but there were no screams.

Outside the house, Pit and David were trying to wake Captain Falcon.

"Go 'way," he muttered sleepily. "'M trying to sleep."

"Get up, you dumbass!" yelled Sonic. "The island's under attack!"

"David, there was no noise from the village," said Meta Knight. "Is everyone all right down there?"

"We ready for this long time," said David. "Hope day will come never, but ready."

"Why should we help you?" said Captain Falcon, now on his unsteady feet. "If you don't give a damn about the LOVE, why should we give a damn about you?"

"You shouldn't," said David. "We give a damn about ourselves. That enough."

Another two missiles ploughed into the island, and now the headlights of the Mushroom Kingdom's helicopters and bombers were visible. The army of aerial machines trundled across the sky, menacing the moonlight.

"Why's the ground like shaking, guys?" said Pit.

"It just the Yoshis. They evacuate the village and come up here. You want to follow and see big bangs?"

"What?" said Sonic "You're suggesting we watch your island get blown up?"

It is difficult to tell when Yoshis are smiling, because they wear a perpetual smile below their huge noses. However, David's permo-grin seemed to become a smidgeon wider.

"You go up the mountain," he said, as the Yoshis from the village stampeded past the hut. "You see."

o o o

Bowser has eight children, of unknown mother(s). The youngest is Bowser Junior, who has already been introduced and who was at the time tied up in the hold of the _TPS Strawberry_. The other seven, known as the Koopalings (and rumoured to be only half-siblings of BJ), were in command of the front line of the Mushroom Kingdom Air Force. It was the oldest, Ludwig von Koopa, who had fired the missiles from his Koopacopter. Bringing the craft to a stop over the peaceful island, he gave a grim chuckle.

"King Bowser, vait 'til you see vhat I do here!" he said, hammering the 'Fire' button and laughing manically.

The Koopalings were a sad story, and none more so than Ludwig. As the first seven sons of their father, and his most trusted henchmen, they had terrorised several separate kingdoms which had since been amalgamated into Peach's bloated empire, and had even taken over Yoshi's Island once. In particular, Ludwig as the eldest and cleverest had been Bowser's right-hand Koopa, a party to all his plots and schemes.

None of this had continued when Bowser Junior suddenly appeared. Suddenly, it was BJ who accompanied his father on all the big missions and helped to stop Mario, while Ludwig and his six (full) siblings were relegated to guarding the castle. When the LOVE was first formed, they had been excited at their new jobs as captains of the Mushroom Kingdom's armed forces and the chance to regain favour in their father's eyes, but so far had done nothing, and had taken to small acts of violence and vandalism in an attempt to get his attention.

This was their first real chance at action, and Ludwig was determined not to mess it up. Blowing up a peaceful island of hippyish dinosaurs was just the break he needed. Humming a self-composed melody to himself and shaking his long blue hair out of his eyes, he sent a signal to the forces under his command (i.e. all of them) to drop lower and prepare to fire on the island below.

The intercom hummed into life. "Turtle down! We have a turtle down over here!"

Ludwig grabbed the microphone. "How can ve haff a turtle down? Zey haff not been firing back!"

But as he looked through the windscreen at the island below, he saw the fallacy in his reasoning in the form of three large white missiles with green spots directed towards his ship.

Ludwig saw the missiles in time, and by sending the Koopacopter into an emergency dive was able to dodge the explosive payload. Two bombers and a fighter jet behind him were not so lucky. The missiles scored three direct hits, and the burning craft fell slowly towards the ocean beneath.

"It is an ambush!" moaned Ludwig. "All ze rumours about ze Yoshis having secret firepower – zey vere right! Gotterdammerung!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a series of Koopa missiles streaking towards the island. He looked on in horror as each and every one was safely detonated in mid-flight by a series of smaller projectiles coming the other way, followed by another set of bigger, heat-seeking ones that sent several Koopa ships crashing down in flames.

Ludwig had had enough. "All craft, zis is Commander Ludvig von Koopa speaking," he gabbled into the microphone. "You vill all descend to ze beach as qvickly as possible and svitch to ground mode. Ve vill continue ze assault from zere. Over and out."

o o o

"'A very peaceful race' my spiny blue ass," said Sonic, watching the local Yoshis send another round of anti-air missiles into the sky.

"I did not know about this," said Meta Knight.

"Nobody did," said David. "It Yoshis' greatest secret."

They were standing near the top of the mountain, outside what had looked like a small luxury hotel ("Closed for refurbishment ever since I can remember," Meta Knight had remarked). That was before it had opened up to reveal several missile silos. Other launchers had opened up further down, and now some of the Yoshis were operating them from control panels while others 'ooh'ed and 'ah'ed and ate fruit.

The chief came up to the small group and squeaked.

"He say you very lucky," translated David. "You first Yoshis-not who see this."

"And the Koopas," said Pit.

"Well, yes. But I call not them 'lucky'."

A red Yoshi came running up and started talking to the chief. A shocked expression came over the faces of Yoshi and David. They yelped for a while before running off down the mountain.

"Now what do you suppose that was about?" said Sonic.

"The Koopas are landing on the beach," said Meta Knight. "It is a situation the Yoshis have tried to avoid. Their ground-based fighting skills are not as advanced as their aerial combat."

"You got all that from that bit of squeaking?"

"I deduced the last bit from the panic in their voices."

Yoshi reappeared and shouted loudly to his people, and now there were signs of panic. There was still no screaming, but the Yoshis were looking at each other uneasily, their big noses quivering up and down. As the chief finished his speech, about half of the Yoshis followed him down the mountainside, leaving the quartet to fight against the movement.

"A call to arms," said Meta Knight. "We should go and help."

"Erm, why?" said Captain Falcon. "They wouldn't help us."

"Because if the LOVE take over this island, they will find us, kill us and possibly torture the Yoshis for information on Snake. Is that a good enough reason for you?" And the three of them swept off with the Yoshi tide, leaving Captain Falcon alone.

"Well, yeah, I guess so."

o o o

It was Iggy Koopa who had come up with the blueprints for the Koopa air force. One of Ludwig's younger siblings, he was a mechanical genius and inventor _par excellence_; admittedly a somewhat demented inventor _par excellence_, with swirly glasses and rainbow-coloured hair, but an inventor _par excellence_ nonetheless. He had had the brilliant idea of creating aerial war vehicles that could turn into tanks when needed, and now an army of aircraft-turned-tanks, all in purple and cyan, was descending onto the beach and rolling up the shoreline.

Facing them were an army of multicoloured big-nosed dinosaurs bearing buckets of egg-shaped hand grenades. The Yoshis were not really prepared for a land assault, having banked on being faced by either a naval fleet or a straightforward air force. The missile systems were not designed for aiming at the island itself, and although a sporadic flow of guided missiles still gave the tanks some bother it was nothing compared to the salvos they had endured while in the air.

Ludwig had seen this, and was now feeling more confident. This was his big moment, and if the moored _TPS Strawberry_ was accidentally destroyed in the fighting, with the brat inside it, that was just a bonus.

He popped his head out of the top of the tank. "Yoshis," he shouted gleefully, "today vill be your dying day! Your cries vill ring out in a symphony of suffering, a rhapsody of rage, a concerto of… of… death! Never again vill you rise up against ze great King Bowser!"

He ducked to avoid a grenade, which exploded harmlessly in the air behind him.

"Koopa troops – FIRE!"

The tanks blasted shell after shell into the Yoshi ranks. In return, the grenades exploded against the solid metal bodies of the oncoming vehicles, doing little to no discernable damage. As Yoshi after Yoshi was mown down by the Koopa onslaught, for the first time that night Ludwig heard what he wanted to hear – Yoshi screams.

The Yoshis were slowly pushed back towards the village. More infantry appeared holding cracker launchers, which rapid-fired a barrage of explosives at the tanks. The armoured vehicles did not even slow down. They rolled forward unstoppably, the Yoshis fleeing before them. Ludwig jumped out of his tank with a small grey bazooka, shooting at the front line of terrified dinosaurs and cackling madly.

That is, until a blue hedgehog crashed into him at 300 metres per second.

The Koopaling rocketed backwards, hitting the front of his tank with a solid thud. As he looked at his new adversary, he realised that the spikes on his shell were stuck in the windscreen, and tried frantically to pull himself out. An enterprising front-line Yoshi hurled an experimental egg grenade in his direction. It exploded on impact, sending Ludwig shooting into the sky with a cry of "NEIN!"

"Come on, step it up!" Sonic called to his friends.

In answer, a volley of glowing arrows hissed through the battlefield, hitting the tanks' shells in mid air before they could get near the Yoshis. Meta Knight and Captain Falcon took on a more personal approach, opening the tank doors and taking care of the pilots personally. Sonic grabbed a bucket of egg grenades and ran rings around the slow and ponderous tanks, shoving the explosives into their gun muzzles between shots. The next shot the driver attempted blew up the muzzle, rendering the vehicle useless.

Ludwig came back down to earth with a thump, safe inside his spiky shell but out cold. One of the Yoshis had the idea of wrapping her tongue around it and spitting it at the tanks. While not as explosive as the grenades, it brought the tanks to a halt. No one wanted to be responsible for squashing their commander.

The tide of the battle was turning. It fell to Lemmy Koopa, the second-eldest Koopaling, to lead the army after Ludwig's defeat, but unlike Ludwig Lemmy was neither clever nor ambitious. He spent his spare time balancing on a rubber ball and practising circus tricks. Therefore he did not have the respect of the army, and instead of following his orders the tanks ran amuck.

Inspired by the actions of the new arrivals and the shield of arrows, the Yoshis changed tack. Their grenade buckets put aside, they rolled up to the tanks in impermeable eggshells and dragged out the Koopas inside, subjecting them to a Yoshi beating. And a Yoshi beating is very unpleasant. The "beatee" is swallowed by the Yoshi (the dinosaurs possessing remarkably large mouths for their body size and extraordinary digestive systems) and emerges from the dinosaur's backside inside an eggshell. This shell is thin and relative flexible – not enough for the entrapped foe to escape, but enough for it to feel every kick and head-butt the Yoshi inflicts on it.

By the time the remaining Koopalings had figured out that they were losing the battle, a third of their army was in eggs, a third of the remainder had no gun turrets left on their vehicles and Lemmy had fled the koop (ahem). He was rolling away on his rubber ball across the ocean, where he would be found three days later in very poor shape by a fishing trawler. Keeping their altitude low, all surviving vehicles began to take off and fly back to the Mushroom Kingdom. Ludwig finally regained consciousness and clambered into Lemmy's old tank, his dreams of impressing his father with his leadership skills broken.

"Just you vait," he shouted out of the window at no one in particular. "I'll be back!" He hurriedly ducked back in to avoid a glowing arrow and started the launch procedure.

"WAHAHAHAHAAA!"

The familiar laugh sent shivers up the spines of the four friends.

"Wario," uttered Meta Knight.

"I claim the right to kill him!" said Captain Falcon, a Koopa Trooper under each arm. "He stole my car!"

"No, Captain" said Meta Knight. "That man is the biggest and most aggressive buffoon in the whole of LOVE. I have lost count of the times he was rude to me on account of my height and voice. He is mine."

"Only if you get there first!" shouted Pit, shooting the engine of a Koopa jet and causing it to plummet ocean-wards. "He mocked me when I called myself the number 1 scourge of LOVE! I want my revenge!"

Warioman flew over the tanks and into view.

"Well, you guys go get him," said Sonic. "Meanwhile, I'll be running away."


	6. Part 6

Princess Peach Toadstool was possibly the most beautiful woman in the Mushroom Kingdom. Long, naturally blond hair framed a perfectly oval face with large blue eyes, a tiny nose and full pink lips. Her body was well formed, with long legs and an attractive if not overly large bosom. Nobody could say that her dress sense was impeccable, given that she was never seen wearing anything save a pink dress with a long, puffed-out skirt (except when taking part in one of her kingdom's many sports tournaments), but when everyone was trying to look up her skirt instead of at it that was not an important issue.

Not that anyone tried to look up her skirt nowadays. On one of her allowed walks a foreigner who had not recognised her had tried to flirt with her, and had been found minus his head the next day. Bowser would not say who was behind this, but the scorch marks on the neck had been a dead giveaway.

Peach did not really miss the men trying to impress her. The attention was nice, of course, but her heart had belonged to one man, and every day she longed for his return. Bowser persisted in telling her that he was safe, but no more, and would get angry if she tried to press the subject. At night, she would lie on the four-poster Bowser had provided and imagine Mario stroking her, and running her fingers through his moustache, and she would cry broken tears onto the pillow until sleep overtook her and fell into a world of Bowsers with Mario's face and Koopa Troopers in pink dresses.

Tonight, she was standing on her balcony, looking out at the stars and feeling like a rat in a cage. (This was not an unjustified feeling, since Bowser had put wire netting over the balcony to allow her to go out onto it without giving her any chance for escape or suicide.) As she gazed out at the night sky, a fragment of space debris entered Nintendo's atmosphere, leaving a bright trail of gases and molten rock behind as it burnt away to nothing. Seeing this, the Princess disregarded the science behind it and clasped her delicate hands together.

"Oh shooting star," she said, "grant me this one wish. I wish – so much – that I might see my Mario again, alive and well. I wish this with all my heart."

"Well, if you stop making soppy talk with meteors and start helping me, then I'll see what I can do."

Someone was behind her in the room.

o o o

"Runawayrunawayrunaway…"

Pit dodged to one side as a tank was thrown past his ear, thudding into and snapping a small palm tree. No longer bothered by the rapidly retreating Mushroom Kingdom army, the Yoshis hurled egg grenades at the quickly moving figure flying across their island, but they were as ineffective on Warioman as they had been on the tanks.

"Foolish creatures!" laughed Wario, knocking back another head of garlic from his seemingly inexhaustible store. "This time, I'm-a gonna win!"

Sonic was running all over the island in a desperate bid to avoid Warioman's attention, while Meta Knight lurked in the shadows. Captain Falcon was nowhere to be seen. That left Pit.

"How's LOVE's number 1 scourge doing now, kid? Wa wa waah!"

Pit dived into a thin rock tunnel and swooped through it. Wario missed the opening and whacked his head on the stones, causing a minor rock fall in the tunnel. A boulder caught Pit by surprise and knocked him into another one, which hit his wing with a nasty snap. The boy emitted a brief cry and fell to the floor, gasping. A few moments later and Wario was towering over him.

"Aw, given up already? That's no fun," he sneered. "Your life can't be that great if you're so willing to throw it away."

"Yeah, 'cause I imagine the life of a fat, ugly villain with no friends is like so awesome," sneered Pit back.

Wario's transformation may have given him skin thick enough to withstand almost any attack, but insults still slid right through. The existential crisis he had been having with regards to LOVE made the blow fall all the more forcefully.

"Why, you little…"

"Hm!"

Wario turned around to find Yoshi at the entrance to the cave, with a slightly tattered headdress and a menacing expression. He laughed mirthlessly.

"Well, fairy boy, looks like your friend has come to help you. You can die together. How sweet."

A flash of light filled the cavern, leaving plain old Wario in its wake.

"Ah nuts."

Pit smiled, although it was a half-grimace from the pain. "We'll get you now. You're weak like this."

Another head of garlic appeared as if by magic.

"Don't count your chickens, kid," said Wario, grinning hideously. "I got more."

He tried to raise his hand to put it to his mouth, but could not. There was an object like a long red lasso gripping his arm.

"H-hey!" he protested. "Let go of me!"

There was barely time for him to cry "Wah!" before he found himself inside Yoshi's mouth. The lizard was somehow able to contain the entire body in his head for three full seconds before he spat it out, giving the drenched man a look of disgust. A dripping Wario was looking around and searching in his pockets frantically.

"Where are they? Where are they!"

"Lost your garlic, fatso?" said Pit, wincing as he cradled his wing.

"You little piece of shit!" yelled the "fatso". "I've had enough messing about. You're going down right here, right now. You're hurt, you don't have your pathetic friends to save you…"

There was a blinding flash of light.

"Oh no."

o o o

Sonic finally screeched to a stop on the beach. The last traces of the Mushroom Kingdom army were taking off hurriedly, and the guns further up the mountain were blasting in celebration, but down where he was silence reigned.

Sonic looked about him, confused. Why were the Yoshis not rejoicing? Granted, they were fairly laid-back animals, but surely to have repulsed the invading troops at fairly minimal losses (the Yoshis' tough skin had taken the brunt of the shelling well) was something to at least be moderately happy about. Yet the lizards ran about tending to their wounded in what seemed to the hedgehog to be a stunned silence. An examination of the faces of the passing Yoshis suggested that they were searching for something.

"Excuse me," shouted Sonic to a passing purple Yoshi who might have been David, "what's going on?"

"Yoshi yoshi yaroo. Weewoo hup yaya no?" came the reply.

"Really? Thanks!" bluffed Sonic.

"He was asking if you had seen their chief," said a voice at Sonic's knee that made him jump. "He's MIA."

"Oh! Er, no, sorry!" Turning to Meta Knight, he continued: "Where did you rush off to? Have you seen Pit or the Captain?"

"I thought Pit was flying behind me," said Meta Knight. "Then I turned to advise him to take cover in an alcove, and could not find him. I searched for him from the shadows, but to no avail. I am ashamed." He turned his eyes to the floor.

"And the Captain?" asked Sonic.

"WAAAAAH!"

The duo on the beach looked up, just in time to avoid the falling form of Wario, who landed backside-down in the soft sand of the beach and gave a soft sigh. When he raised himself, the seat of his trousers was badly burnt.

"YEEEE-HAAAH! Ride 'em cowboy! Oh, hey guys, how's it going?"

Distracted from the escaping Wario for a second, Sonic and Meta Knight stared first at Pit, and then at the dinosaur on which he was sitting. It was glowing in all the colours of the rainbow, and out of its side stretched two magnificent feathery wings that put Pit's to shame. Its headdress was now a pile of burnt leaves.

"Careful of the mouth – he breathes fire occasionally. What happened to you guys?"

"Yoshi?" said Meta Knight cautiously.

The chief waved a four-fingered hand and tried to say hello, but a fireball came out instead, which almost frazzled the head of a Yoshi who was coming up to greet him and smelt of burnt garlic. Fatal and near-fatal injuries aside, the Yoshis were back in their customary high spirits upon seeing their chief again, and a few even dared to give cries of celebration.

"Look, it was cool seeing you," said Pit, "but I gotta burn some biker jacket. Talk to you later. C'mon, Yoshi!"

Yoshi rolled his eyes and started to flap his wings. Taking to the sky, he floated over the heads of his fellow islanders (including a few tourists who had only just plucked up the courage to come out of their hotels), his mouth gently spewing flames into the darkness.

A massive fist came out of nowhere and hit him on the nose with a sickening crunch. As Pit and Yoshi hit the sand, Warioman cackled from his vantage point in the air.

"You missed a head of garlic, Yoshi," he said. "And that head will be your downfall!"

A Blue Falcon came out of nowhere and hit him on the nose with a sickening crunch.

o o o

"Bet you wish you had this car now, huh?"

"This is the hundredth time you've asked me that," said Sonic, rolling his eyes, "and the answer is still no."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," said Captain Falcon, a big beaming grin still illuminating his face.

The events of last night were still fresh in his mind. As soon as he had heard the villain's laughter, he had run in its direction as if the hounds of Hell had his scent. It had not been long before he had found his blue beauty, a bit dented but abandoned and ready for action. The sole reason he had taken so long to drive it into Wario was that he had spent a good few minutes patting it and apologising to it for not rescuing it sooner.

Even hitting Warioman in the face at supersonic speed had not killed him, but it had knocked him out of the sky and out of consciousness. The villain was now de-garlic-ed and stowed in the hold of a YIFEC liner that would take them back to the Mushroom Kingdom, along with all the tourists and businessmen left stranded on the island by the abandonment of _TPS Strawberry_ who wanted to return to the LOVE-owned territories. That amounted to two businessmen who had children at home.

The quartet stood on the dock, watching the Yoshi workers unload the crates of tropical fruit from the ship.

"More exports not," said David, joining them. "LOVE will try to blow boats after last night. We Yoshis very grateful for your help."

"We could tell," said Sonic. "It was a very nice banquet."

"Chief have something to say for you."

A wingless Yoshi waddled up to them, still looking a bit stunned and with a large bruise on his nose but otherwise fine. He squeaked a few sentences.

"What?" said Meta Knight, outraged.

"He say he sorry for helping not you earlier. Know realise LOVE much big problem. We realised Snake man two weeks ago. Sent him in fruit liner to Mushroom Kingdom."

"He was supposed to report back to me when he was better! I've been worried sick!"

"Snake want people to now not. Secret mission. Yoshi promise him. Otherwise, people get in danger."

"We're already up to our necks in danger," said Pit, proudly.

"Which makes me submerged," said Meta Knight, looking up at the angel's neck. "So you might as well tell us now."

"He go alone to Mushroom Kingdom Castle."

"Then that's where we're going," said Sonic.

"We now that. Yoshi want come with you."

Yoshi threw his headdress to the ground and looked at them defiantly, as if daring them to say no.

"Sure, why not," said Sonic. "Another merry adventurer joins our ragtag band."

Yoshi looked somewhat disappointed. He had been quite looking forward to them saying no, and him demolishing their arguments through David. Nevertheless, he walked over to the group and struck up a heroic pose.

"He angry with LOVE for this," explained David. "Plus, he want to meet Princess Peach again. I take charge until he return."

A cyan Yoshi squeaked from the ship's deck.

"He say your ship ready," said David. "You all get in board know."

"Well, I ain't getting in any board 'know'," said Captain Falcon. "I shall be travelling back in…"

There was a pause while he puffed out his pectorals.

"…the Blue Falcon."

o o o

"_The Forbidden." A name to conjure with. A name that raises questions. From what are they forbidden? Who in this entire verse dares to think that they can be forbidden from doing anything? _

_A web of intrigue, quickly spun as the entire species buzzed with news of these tiny things that claimed there existed restrictions on this marvellous omnipotent race. The normal recourse would have been to go down among the things and do some further research, but the discoverer of this title had succumbed to its base desires after learning the name and turned the entire solar system into energy, thus wiping out millions of (their) years of evolution and thousands of culture. Normally this behaviour would have been encouraged, but the title had created such a stir that the culprit was blasted into its component photons as punishment._

_There were those who hypothesised that it had made the moniker up to toy with their minds, but this was not a theory shared by most. For such incredible beings, their minds inhabited strict although large boxes, and thinking of something as being forbidden for them was some way outside the box. Besides, those who knew it claimed that it was far from the most brilliant mind the species had known._

_Many decided to recreate the evolving conditions of the lost people. Destroyers turned creators, these used the verse as their laboratory. They made stars and planets from rock and gas, brought them together in the same alignment as the former system, and slowed their personal flows of time down such that they saw peoples spring up and go extinct in seconds. When these peoples reached the phase of intelligent communication, their makers would appear before them and note their reactions, hoping that the same word would be used to describe them. Was it so unlikely that none of the names were the same as that one? The testers would get frustrated, wipe out the entire system and start again._

_There were others who took offence at the connotation of the name. The greatest species the verse had ever known, forbidden? Ha! Thus this group set out to prove that for them, nothing was impossible. Yet where to go? When one's people have accomplished total dominion over time and space (with the result that there were strict laws in place governing going back in time in order to protect causality), what was there left in this verse to be done?_

_Once again, the strict boxes held them in. The answer to that last question was nothing, almost surely, but what about other verses? The general consensus was that if they existed, so powerful were these beings that they would have discovered such verses by now. They were boxed in by their own arrogance. It took an extraordinary mind to recommence attempts to search for "parallel dimensions", and it took a long time for such a being to be created, budding off fully formed from another of its kind as it gorged itself on an artificially created supernova._

_This being took the task in hand. Speeding up its own time frame so much that the verse around it was almost stopped, it remained in stationary thought, pondering nothing else, only moving to absorb minimal amounts of energy, for millions of your earth millennia. _

_One day (although "day" is a rather silly concept to apply to a being so far from any star), a thought arrived. An idea no one had ever tried before, that threw the walls of the box wide open, leading to a myriad of new possibilities that none had considered before – if it worked._

_So it tried its idea._

_And it worked._

_And I was through._

o o o

"I wish I was travelling in the Blue Falcon."

"We know, Sparrow."

"If that bastard Wario hadn't used up all the fuel…"

"We know, Sparrow."

"I'm going to go down to the hold and…"

"No you're not, Sparrow"

"I get seasick on ships."

"Do you want to shut up, or shall I start calling you Guinea Fowl again?"

A red Yoshi emerged from a stairway and started to squeak at them.

"Y'know, I wish Meta Knight was here," said Sonic, looking out over the sea. "He'd know what that guy was saying… Hey! Let go!"

The Yoshi's tongue had him by the arm, and was pulling him towards the stairway.

"Meta Knight!" he cried. "What does he want? Captain, go get Meta Knight!"

"After being called Sparrow three times? Nah, don't think I will."

"All right, Falcon! Now go get him!"

Sonic did not see whether the Captain actually went off to find Meta Knight, because at that moment the stairway engulfed him and he was being dragged down towards the hold of the ship. The sound of the sea became more and more distant, replaced by the sounds of boilers and pipes clanking away. There was another sound as well, this one more familiar and coming from the bowels of the vessel.

"…I know we've had our misunderstandings in the past, but I wasn't trying to destroy your island! Hell, I told Bowser, 'You count me out of this! I don't care about your kid! I've got nothing against the Yoshis.' I got nothing against you guys! That's what I said!"

"But having something against us is okay?" said Sonic, entering the room where Wario had been tied up. "What's going on here? I thought you'd been gagged."

"He ate the gag," came a voice from the shadows, making Sonic, Yoshi and the red Yoshi leap a foot in the air.

"Meta Knight, you've got to stop doing that!" said Sonic, recovering quickly. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching."

"He's torturing me!" said Wario. "He keeps rolling these juicy red apples up to my feet where I can't get them!"

"Tantalus would be so proud," said Meta Knight. One could almost see his eyes grinning.

"Look," said Wario, turning to Sonic as much as his bonds would allow, "I'm not really that big a fan of LOVE myself."

"Three months of garlic breath and charging into me 'accidentally' contradicts you," said Meta Knight, tossing an apple up and down.

"I would have done that to anyone smaller than me. It wasn't anything personal GIVE ME THE DAMN APPLE!"

"Who's the growly midget now, you blackguard?"

The apple hit Wario directly on the nose. He ignored it with difficulty.

"Look in my wallet," he pleaded. "You'll see the proof. I hate the bastards!"

Sonic breathed through his mouth and reached into Wario's pocket with a grimace.

"Don't you dare touch a cent in there!" yelled Wario.

Sonic contemplated the situation, and then withdrew a single Mushroom Kingdom coin from the wallet and pinged it off the Italian's forehead.

"Ow!"

Sonic ventured bravely into the foul-smelling leather recesses of the money-storage unit. As well as several cards and a banknote that looked as if it had dwelt there for centuries and suffered hydrophobia, he found several tattered scraps of paper.

"Read them! And tell Meta Knight to stop threatening me with his sword!"

"You probably deserve it," said Sonic, turning the paper over.

The scraps told a disturbing story. The first said "Damn you Mario" and had a poor doodle of one person punching another one. The second read "Me and my castle" and featured what looked like a moustachioed dumpling sitting on top of a castle made of jelly. The third bore the legend "LOVE stole my life" and saw the dumpling's return. It also featured the only vaguely recognisable figure – the horns and spiky shell were definitely those of Bowser, even if the cartoon's face was even more disgusting than the real thing.

Wario had been terrified of his doodles, especially the last one, drawn in the darkest hours of his life. Had the Powers That Be (or Were, anyway) searched his wallet, he would have been in the shark-infested soup. Suddenly, he was glad that he had taken out his anguish on the Mushroom Kingdom Times' back page.

"How very touching," said Sonic, stuffing the papers back in his wallet. "The LOVE intimidated you into staying, and therefore you expect us to excuse you from trying to kill us."

"Just following orders," whimpered Wario, which was half true.

Captain Falcon and Pit entered the hold. Pit was still plugged into his music player, which had somehow survived the Yoshi's Island battle.

"Hey, Sonic, I couldn't find Meta Knight anywhere… Oh, there he is. Why'd you send me off round the ship when he's right here?"

"Something stinks in here!" cried Pit, unplugging and sniffing the air.

"Guys, Wario's very sorry for what he did and he wants us to free him," said Sonic.

Pit and Captain Falcon laughed mirthlessly.

"Tell him he can be freed once he fixes my wing," said Pit.

"And my car," said the Captain. "It's got dents in."

"I know a mechanic who can fix your car," said Wario quickly. "Great guy. Best in the business. Fixed your car for me tonnes of times. Swear on my life."

"What do you mean, 'tonnes of times'?" said the Captain, launching spittle into Wario's face. "Why did it need fixing 'tonnes of times'?"

Wario giggled nervously.

"YOU LITTLE…"

"Let him finish," said Sonic

"It's not just that," said Wario, still eyeing Meta Knight's sword and the discarded apple in turn. "I was in with the LOVE for a lot longer than Meta Knight here. I know things he doesn't, like where they're going to be in a few days' time, and where they took your ship…"

Meta Knight lowered his sword slowly. "My ship?"

"I guess I don't mind releasing the little prick," said the Captain grudgingly. "As long as he tells me where this garage is and never touches my car ever again."

"It does free waxing on Saturdays."

"Really?" The Captain's eyes lit up.

"Well, if you want him freed, you should probably ask Yoshi," said Sonic. "It's his ship."

Wario, Meta Knight and Captain Falcon looked at the lizard pleadingly.

Yoshi looked at Wario.

Then he ate the apple.

o o o

"What."

"I'm sorry, King Dad! Zey vere too much for us! Ve tried our hardest, honestly ve did, but vhen ze hedgehog and his friends arrived, everyzing vent wrong!"

Bowser ground a paperweight to powder in his fist.

"It was an island of peace-loving dinosaurs and four fighters. Four. How did you muck it up?"

"Zey vere not so peace-loving! Zey attacked us viz anti-air missiles and egg grenades!"

"Against the finest air-tanks the Mushroom Kingdom has to offer."

"Ve had zem vhen ve landed on ze island, but ze uzzers, zey vere so qvick! Zey ran rings around our tanks!"

"Ludwig," growled Bowser, his right hand searching for something else to destroy, "shut up. I don't care. You lost the battle, you lost Lemmy…"

"He ran avay!"

"…and my eighth child is still missing."

Ludwig snapped. "Vell, it's not like he vould have done any better! He lost to vun of zem in single combat! He is a pathetic veakling!"

Bowser's voice was suddenly dangerously low. "If you dare to insult my son in any way, I will do to you what I did to Meta Knight."

"Vhat, fail to kill him?"

"Bowser Junior is twice the Koopa you will ever be, you little squid. Shut up and get back to guarding the palace. It's all you're good for." He hung up.

He was lying, of course. He loved all his children, and he knew that they had great potential, especially Ludwig. Even if he did not make it as a top military commander (as he probably would), he would become an award-winning composer, writing beautiful music for the entire world to hear. But Bowser was so upset about losing his son that he had taken it out on his other son, and was too proud to ring him back now and say sorry.

With a heavy heart, he sighed and returned to his writing. It was nearly time for the third LOVE meeting, and he needed to polish his speech. He really hoped Ganondorf would let him read this one. It was very good.

o o o

The Yoshi on duty took a knife and slashed Wario's ropes. Sighing with relief, the fat man rose and shook his tiny limbs.

"How long have I been here for?" he asked.

The Yoshi said nothing and pointed up the stairs.

When Wario emerged, blinking slightly, into the sunlight, he saw the shore of the Mushroom Kingdom stretching out before them. The ship had moored on a remote stretch of shoreline, rendered useless for beach holidays and habitation by the huge outflow pipes that unloaded fluorescent waste into the water. He walked down to the gangplank, where Sonic and company were waiting. The two businessmen stood by, looking lost and confused.

"You left me tied up for the whole trip!" Wario protested.

Yoshi pointed meaningfully to the blemish on his nose.

"Yeah, well, I know about that, but that's in the past, right?"

"And what about my wing?" asked Pit. "It still hurts in the present."

Wario opened his mouth, and then forced it shut again.

"All I can say is that I'm not telling you anything now. You set me free; I give you information. That was the deal."

"Wait a second; that wasn't the deal," said Captain Falcon, approaching the portly Italian. "I'll tell you what the deal was. You get my Blue Falcon fixed up, you tell us where Meta Knight's ship is and where the LOVE are going to be, and in return I don't Falcon Punch you into a fried pancake." He grabbed Wario by the scruff of the neck. "Kapish?"

Wario gulped. "Seems fair."

"One moment, Sparrow," interjected Sonic. "We're all in deep trouble with the LOVE. If any of us goes into town to get fuel, we're going to be spotted and shot on sight."

"How about I drive it into town for you?" suggested Wario, trying to look innocent. "It has enough fuel to get there."

"_Or_," said the Captain, his voice like a mallet, "you tell me the name of the place, I drive there in disguise, tell them I'm taking it in for you and drive it back out before anyone can kill me."

Sonic gave him a pointed stare. "By 'disguise', do you mean your normal uniform without your helmet?"

Captain Falcon looked at his feet.

o o o

Time passes.

Captain Falcon drove off in his beloved Blue Falcon, promising to kill Wario if the address he had been given led him anywhere apart from a top-class garage. The remaining five members of the group started to make their way towards Mushroom Kingdom Castle on foot, as the little black car remained at Jolly Roger Bay. Sonic was glad about this, and dashed around madly, but the others were not so keen on the long hike. This was especially true of Wario, who suffered from short legs, a broad waist and occasional badgering from the others.

The badgering calmed down after a while, and Pit hopped onto Yoshi's back for an easier journey. Wario even attempted to give the injured wing a massage, but his inexpert technique and unwashed gloves caused Pit to politely decline. (His actual words were, "Get your filthy mitts off me!") Eventually, the fat man started to tell them what he knew.

The LOVE were gathering for a meeting in Hyrule Castle in three days. The Halberd, currently under King Dedede's control ("That oversized turkey!" growled Meta Knight), was to be used to fly Bowser there. The main issue to be discussed at the meeting would be Project Z, which up until now had been described as "a way to use and abuse the skills of our greatest rivals" by Ganondorf, but would hopefully be explained in detail at the meeting.

On the evening of the first day of hiking, Captain Falcon turned up wearing a Pikachu costume (Pikachu being a popular type of Pokémon, looking like a small yellow mouse with a thunderbolt stuck up its backside). It was indubitably a better disguise than his uniform would have been, and had allowed him to get the car repaired and refuelled with the minimum of fuss, with the downside of making him look ridiculous. He quickly changed when he rejoined his group, before shooting off over the plains of the Mushroom Kingdom on a test drive.

And time passes.


	7. Part 7

"WOOHOO! FUCK YEAH! Ooh, baby, look at that handbrake turn. There's no car with a sexier handbrake turn in the galaxy. We are going to rock the LOVE's asses off!"

"Bling bling bling."

The Captain screeched to a halt and searched the car for the falling coins. Eventually, he found Wario's mobile in the glove compartment, along with a change of gloves. He answered it in his best Italian bass with hints of alcohol around the edges.

"Hello-a Bowser?"

"Where the hell have you been? I've tried calling you so many times today it's not funny!"

The Captain checked the screen briefly. There were five missed calls.

"Oh. Er, I'm-a sorry…"

"Don't you 'I'm-a sorry' me! The invasion of Yoshi's Island was a complete disaster. Where in the Hands' name were you? And what's happened to your voice?"

"Hey, don't-a get angry with-a me! I was-a there! I just got-a completely-a schooled by-a Captain Falcon. That guy's-a so strong he could-a break-a your neck-a with his little-a finger!"

"Crushed your larynx, did he?"

"With his little-a finger, yeah."

"Sure, whatever. If he tried to break my neck, he'd end up with no hands to do it with. And as for you, getting beaten up by some down-and-out driver, you're a disgrace. Get back here this instant. I want to talk to you before the meeting."

"Yeah, sure I'll come see you before the meeting," said the Captain, his fake voice discarded. "And when I do, you'll see how a 'down-and-out driver' can RIP YOU A NEW A-HOLE!"

He hung up and quickly turned the phone off, and spent a few seconds breathing hard.

"That was fun."

o o o

And more time passes.

o o o

"You know," said Sonic to Captain Falcon on the evening of the fourth day, "I reckon we wouldn't have run into half as much trouble if you hadn't made that stupid phone call to Bowser."

The Captain looked stunned. "How did you know about that?"

"You told us," said Pit.

"Very proudly," Sonic added.

"Several times," finished Meta Knight.

"Oh yeah. Hey, did I tell you about the part where…"

"YES."

An owl hooted in the distance as they walked on.

"We haven't had that much trouble, have we?" said Captain Falcon.

"Well, you haven't because you've been joyriding around in your car whenever it hits," said Sonic bitterly. "The rest of us have had to deal with Koopa Troopers, Hammer Brothers, those tortoises in blue capes with the wands…"

"Magikoopas," filled in Wario.

"Thank you. Even Wario's helped with the fighting!"

Wario remained mute. The others might not have seen the meaningful glares that Yoshi had given him whenever the Koopa squads attacked, but they had one very clear meaning: if he tried to run, or failed to help in combat, he would be eaten, swallowed and turned into an egg faster than he could say "I'm not really with them, I was bringing them to Lord Bowser."

"Well, how about I drive my car in front of you and run over all the guys trying to get you?"

"Not much point now," said Meta Knight, indicating Toad Town in front of them.

Toad Town is the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom, inhabited mostly (as its name suggests) by Toads, mushroom-headed dwarves with squeaky voices. How a human like Princess Toadstool had become their monarch was up for discussion, especially as the endemic human population was nearly non-existent (outnumbered not only by Toads but by friendly Koopa Troopers, Yoshis and small walking mushrooms called Goombas). Regardless, she had ruled for several years from the massive castle that loomed up from the town in the moonlight, now populated by Bowser and his troops.

"Hooray!" said Captain Falcon. "Let's storm the castle and rescue the Princess. I hear she's the hottest thing this side of the sun."

"Oh, she is," said Pit. "I had a poster of her on my wall. She's scorching."

"That's all very nice," said Sonic, "But we're not here to satisfy your libidos. We're here to find Snake."

"Aww," whined Pit, "Can't we do both?"

"I second that suggestion," said Wario, dribbling slightly.

"If you three can suppress your hormones for one second, you'll see that Toad Town is now heavily guarded," whispered Meta Knight, pointing out the Koopatrol sentries sitting in the guardhouse. "Going in through the front door would be highly inadvisable."

"It's two Koopatrols, for Hands' sake," sneered the Captain. "One Falcon Punch and they'll both be history."

"And thirty more will come out of the town and spike us to death."

Yoshi was squeaking.

"Ah, shuddup you stupid lizard," said Wario.

Yoshi's head collided with the fat man's midriff, sending him stumbling backwards and winding him.

"He knows somebody who could help us get in," said Meta Knight, as Wario gasped for air. "Not actually so stupid after all."

o o o

A small figure atop a broomstick flew up the long spiral staircase to Bowser's room. She looked similar to a Magikoopa with her wand and thick glasses, but instead of a blue robe she wore a purple gown and hat, which covered a head of white hair.

She knocked softly on the big red door, and entered without waiting for an answer.

"I have managed to retrieve…"

A blast of fire from Bowser was deflected by a quick magic spell, but the Koopa got the hint and hid behind the door.

"Kammy you insufferable imbecile," yelled Bowser, "how many times must I tell you to wait for me to invite you in?"

"Many apologies, your Evilness," croaked Kammy, peering around the door timidly. "But I have some important news concerning your son, Bowser Junior."

Bowser's eyes widened. "In that case, come in! Quickly!"

Kammy scuttled into the room like a frightened crab. "Thank you, Lord Bowser. I have managed to retrieve the young master from Yoshi's Island."

"Praise me!" said Bowser, his eyes turned heavenwards. "Is he all right? Were there any problems?"

"None at all, your Handsomeness. The Yoshis just watched while I flew into the ship and brought him out. They had buckets of egg grenades on standby just in case, but I don't think they want any more trouble."

"Well, they'll get trouble, whether they want it or not," growled Bowser. "Now listen to me, Kammy. I am due to be picked up by the Halberd shortly to go to Hyrule."

"Ah, the LOVE meeting!" said Kammy. "I'm sure you'll get to read your speech this time, your Eloquentness."

Bowser muttered something darkly to himself. "Well, be that as it may, you're in charge until I get back. See that the Princess is treated well."

"She shall be given every possible comfort, your Generousness."

Bowser sighed. "Kammy, I have told you before that you cannot just staple any adjective onto '-ness' and expect it to be a valid title."

"Quite true, your Correctness."

Bowser gave up – partly because he had tried before to no avail, and partly because at that moment a loud horn sounded outside on the balcony.

"Well, that's my ride."

o o o

Yoshi pointed eagerly at the building, which looked like two houses stuck together. The front house was long and low and had a red roof, while the one at the back was taller and topped with green. A sign over the door saying "Mario" left the party in no doubt as to whom it belonged to.

"Yeah, nice try, Nosey," said Wario, still smarting from the head-butt, "but we – I mean, the LOVE captured Mario in the Purges."

"He's right, sadly," said Meta Knight. "He was one of the first, when Bowser took over the Mushroom Kingdom."

Yoshi shook his head frantically, and squeaked in Meta Knight's general direction.

"I can't make out what he's saying," said Meta Knight to the others. "Sounds like… Lousy? It was a lousy idea after all?"

Another shake of the head.

"Then… Luge? As in the sled?"

Yoshi banged his head against the ground in frustration and marched up to the door of the house. He grabbed the bell pull in his stubby arms and gave it a good yank. There was the sound of ringing from within the house, and the distance cries of cicadas from without, but otherwise the night was silent.

"Nobody's here," said Wario. "Let's go home."

Yoshi glared at him and he shut up.

"Well, if there is anyone here they clearly don't want to answer the door," said Sonic. "So unless we want to break and enter…"

Yoshi squeaked happily at the idea, and once more swung his massive head. There was a loud clang, and the dinosaur lay on his back, burbling in a dazed fashion. The door was unfazed.

"Well, that worked," said Sonic.

"Leave it to me!" yelled Captain Falcon, jumping from his car and sprinting over to the door. He nimbly leapt over the prone form of Yoshi and drew back his fist.

"Falcon PUNCHOWSHIT that really hurt."

"Anybody else got any ideas?" said Sonic.

"Wah!"

There was a splintering of wood as Wario went charging through.

"They went to all that trouble securing the door," he said, dusting bits of plank off himself, "when they had walls made out of wood. Chalk one up for Mario intelligence."

"Who's 'they'?" asked Pit.

"The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi." Something clicked. "You want us to ask Luigi to help?"

Yoshi gave something between a concussed moan and a sigh of relief that someone had finally understood.

"I know Mario," said Pit, "but who's Luigi?"

"That's what I'd like to know," said Sonic.

"Mario's all-but unknown brother," said Wario. "Don't see him being much help, though."

"Why not?" asked Pit. "If he's Mario's brother, he must be pretty tough."

Wario rolled his eyes. "You'll see."

They entered the house, where they were met by a picture of Princess Peach and a hat-stand with a green cap, emblazoned with an 'L', upon it.

"She's pretty," said Pit, gazing at the picture.

"Back off, angel," said Captain Falcon. "I saw her first."

"I call dibs on the picture!" yelled Wario.

"Too late," said the Captain, blocking his way. "I beat you to it!"

"Is it worth asking them to help search, or should we go about it ourselves?" Sonic asked Meta Knight.

"I think the latter option would be wiser."

And so, while the men of the group gave their reasons for why each of them was best suited to be the Princess' lover, Sonic scoured the living room while Meta Knight took the bedroom. In his haste, he swept a duvet off the bed, which wrapped itself around him and took him by surprise. The poor duvet was slashed to shreds before it had a chance to say a word in its defence.

Yoshi recovered from his stunned state in time to see Pit using his autographed Mirror Shield to block a punch from Captain Falcon, who was simultaneously pushing Wario away from the picture. Ignoring the brawl, he put his large nose to the ground and sniffed his way into the bathroom, where he was caught unawares by a green ball of fire coming from the shower.

"You keep away from me!" whined a high-pitched Italian voice.

Yoshi whisked back the shower curtain and squeaked happily. The man in the shower wore a green shirt, white gloves and blue dungarees. He had a large wobbly nose, a limp black moustache, fluffy brown hair and big blue eyes that were filled with terror. He fired himself head first at Yoshi, who dodged. The man hit the toilet head-on and lay on the floor, stunned. Yoshi nodded sympathetically. He knew how it felt.

Sonic and Meta Knight appeared in the doorway, and stared at the prone figure.

"_This_ is the famous Mario's brother?" said Sonic, looking at him in shock and disdain.

"Oh yes, I remember him now," said Meta Knight. "Mario's pathetic younger sibling who always stays at home and cowers. Wario was right – he might not be of much use to us."

Luigi shook his head and looked at the twelve of them. He shook his head again and the twelve merged into three.

"Stay back!" he said, jumping onto the toilet. "I know karate, kung-fu and five other Japanese words!"

"Whoa, it's okay man, chill!" said Sonic. "We're not from the LOVE!"

"Then why's he here?" said Luigi, pointing at Meta Knight.

"I haven't been with LOVE for a long time."

"That's right, he's cool," said Sonic. "And we've also got Pit, Captain Falcon and Wario with us."

"Wario!" squealed Luigi. "Oh my God, they've come for me!"

"Wario's good as well now!" protested Sonic, while inwardly rolling his eyes. "Sort of. We're your friends! Look, we've got Yoshi here! He's happy!"

Yoshi squeaked and waved as Captain Falcon, Pit and Wario all crammed themselves into the bathroom.

"Luigi, can I have your picture of Princess Peach?" asked the Captain quickly.

"Hey, no fair!" cried Pit. "I saw it first!"

"Luigi, buddy, you know you want me to have it, right?" said Wario. "I'm your cousin! We go karting and have parties together! Eh?"

"Mamma Mia!"

o o o

At length, the picture was restored to its spot by the door, with Meta Knight threatening to "cut to ribbons all of those who would dare to impugn the Princess' honour". He showed them the duvet to prove his point.

"So you want me to get you into Toad Town?" said Luigi, bustling about with the kettle.

"And the castle if possible," said Sonic.

"Wait a minute," said Captain Falcon. "I thought we were going to find Snake. Why would he be in the castle?"

"It's as good a place as any to start. Besides, we can't just leave the Princess in Bowser's clutches."

"Too right we can't," said Captain Falcon, with a grin that swiftly vanished under Meta Knight's yellow glare.

"Well, the castle's easy," said Luigi. "There's a secret entrance that will get you in no problem. Getting you into the town – that's going to be tricky. Bowser built a high wall around it, and the front gate's your only way in."

"What do you suggest?"

Luigi brought forth mugs of steaming green tea, and his guests supped on them gratefully.

"Koopa Tea," he said. "Old Koopa recipe. Now, I do have one idea, but it needs someone fast."

"There's no one faster!" said Sonic, proudly. "Sonic's the name, speed's my game!"

"I'll bet the Blue Falcon could outpace you," scoffed the Captain.

"Ow!" said Pit, burning his tongue on the tea.

"We're all pretty fast really," said Meta Knight, "except for Wario."

"Hold on a minute – I haven't finished yet," said Luigi, settling down in an armchair with his own green mug. "Said person would also have to… Pit, how fast are you?"

"What did you thay?" lisped Pit, unplugging himself.

"We need you to help us enter the city," said Luigi. "You're the best person for the job by far."

"Thweet! I get to thave the LOL yet again!"

"Who's the LOL?" asked Wario.

"Us," said Sonic. "But we're not really. Temporary name."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that you're so willing to help," said Luigi, rummaging around in a wardrobe. "Let me just find the clothes…"

o o o

"I don't want to do this," moaned Pit.

"Stop moaning," said Sonic. "You look gorgeous."

"Oh, ha ha ha. Like, hilarious."

"Hey, Sonic," said Captain Falcon, "d'you think his bum looks big in this?"

"I for one think that what Pit is doing takes a lot of courage," said Meta Knight. "Now can we get on with this? As we speak, we are losing THAT'S MY SHIP!"

A black blob hovered above Mushroom Castle. To anyone else it would have looked like a single ominous cloud, but even at such great distance Meta Knight was able to determine that it was his stolen vehicle that hovered over the castle tower. His eyes narrowed.

"Pit, get out there and do what is expected of you. We must reach the castle quickly."

Captain Falcon bent down and gave Meta Knight a hug. "I feel your pain, my brother."

Meta Knight looked helplessly at the others.

o o o

The two Koopatrols on guard duty looked down from the guardhouse, drinking mugs of black coffee. One looked out of the window in a jumpy manner at ten-second intervals. The other yawned and shook his heavy metal boots.

"Not still hunting for your imaginary rebels, are you?" he asked his colleague.

"I'm telling you, I saw something out there," came the reply. "And what with all the talk about Captain Falcon's crew…"

"You've become paranoid, you have. Why would Captain Falcon's crew want anything to do with us?"

"What if they want to get into the Mushroom Kingdom? Reports say they're coming this way."

"And what are they going to do then? They've got to get over the gate first. Two tonnes of raw iron with spikes all over it. What are they going to do about that?"

"But what if they come when it's open?"

"We're never on duty then, are we?"

Koopa 2 paused. "I guess not."

"No," said Koopa 1, "we're not. So you just keep watch, and stop getting so edgy about problems that don't exist."

For a few minutes, the only sound was the slurping of coffee.

"Coo-ee!"

"That came from outside!" said Koopa 2, looking at his comrade with wide, scared eyes and a slight nervous tic.

"Will you stop jumping around like a grasshopper?" said Koopa 1 wearily. "I'll handle this."

He went over to the window.

"I don't believe it," he said. "It's the Princess!"

His colleague pushed him to one side and looked down. Standing on the ground outside the iron gate was a slight figure with long blonde hair and a pink dress that was, indeed, of the exact style that the Princess wore.

"Hi you guys!" she yelled upwards. "I've managed to escape from the castle, and I'll just be running off. See ya!"

Koopa 1 picked up a small transmitter. "All units, we have a Code Pink," he barked into it. "I repeat, Code Pink. Everyone to the main gate immediately!"

The two Koopatrols ran down the spiral staircase from the guardhouse as fast as their stubby legs and heavy armour would let them. Meeting them at the bottom was a legion of Koopas of all varieties, with a few Hammer Bros. and Goombas thrown in for good measure. The space around the gateway was a throng of purple and cyan uniforms. Bustling to the front of the crowd, Koopa 1 drew a small card from his pocket and placed it against the sensor on the gate, which slowly swung open.

"There she is!" he shouted, pointing with an armoured hand at the figure in the pink dress, which was dancing about outside the gates. "Get her!"

The army charged, slowly yet unstoppably, like the passage of time itself (only with more tortoises). The Princess gave off a dainty scream and ran, holding up her dress to reveal a pair of oddly muscular legs. The Koopa legion, with much shouting and waving of arms, followed her to the right of the gate.

No sooner had the last of the troops fled the scene, than from the left of the gate Sonic ran forward and into Toad Town.

"Come on, step it up!" he said. "The town's ours."

The group minus Pit (who was, as I am sure the reader has guessed, leading the troops a merry dance disguised as Princess Peach) followed him in. Luigi came second last, whining and shivering and being pushed along by Yoshi.

"Suppose the LOVE catch me!" he moaned. "Or Wario raises the alarm! I'll be gutted like a pig!"

"You're not important enough to be gutted like a pig," muttered Captain Falcon.

"We must press on," urged Meta Knight. "My ship is at stake. Luigi, stop being such a coward."

"I'm not a coward. I just don't want the LOVE to catch me."

"Well," said Sonic, "as long as we go through the town stealthily to the secret entrance, nobody will find us. We'll be fine."

o o o

Kamek Magikoopa was a very old assistant of Bowser. Looking almost exactly the same as any other Magikoopa, he had a long history with the Koopa King. It has already been mentioned how he was responsible for the very first attack on Mario and Luigi, kidnapping the babies and possibly attacking the stork that carried them (or the falcon, depending on the interpretation of the story). Independent of the truth of this, he had worked for Bowser from the time of the Koopa's birth to almost the present day, aiding him in his nefarious schemes.

However, not long before the formation of the LOVE, Kamek had finally felt the twin pressures of his position and old age getting to him. Leaving the position of Bowser's aide to his sister Kammy, he had retired, and now kept a small allotment in Toad Town where he grew turnips, peppers and radishes.

On the night of Bowser's departure in the Halberd and the LOL sneaking into Toad Town, the old Koopa was travelling home from the library, carrying a pile of books he intended to read. His only pleasures in life now were reading, tending his vegetable patch and cooking up evil schemes, which he would e-mail to Kammy whenever she hit a rough patch. The books included _A Short History of the Mushroom Kingdom Vol. XII 3__rd__ Edition_, _The Constant Gardener's Guide to Leeks_ and _Inspector Deltor: The Black Spider_, the latest in the series of Inspector Deltor novels. Kamek liked to read them and imagine how he would have evaded detection had he been the villain.

Staggering slightly under the load and leaning on his wand for support, he toddled down the avenue towards his home, his vision (which despite his glasses was not excellent at the best of times) partly obscured by his pile of books. It was for this reason that, halfway between his favourite Hylian restaurant and the scaffolding around an almost completed tower, he collided with someone.

"Hey, watch where you're walking, sonny!" he croaked. "I'm older than you. I don't know, kids today, they just…"

"Falcon PUNCH!"

Kamek flew skywards in a fireball.

Sonic looked grim. "Sparrow, what part of 'stealthily' did you not understand?"

o o o

Bowser stood on the gangplank/escalator that was taking him up into the Halberd. He clutched his briefcase firmly in his claws. It contained a change of black bracelets with metal spikes (which he always wore around his neck, arms and ankles on special occasions), a packed lunch, _Inspector Deltor: Blown Cover_ and his beloved speech. He tapped his foot while the moving stairs slowly ascended.

"Bowser!" came a friendly voice from the top of the stairs. "How're you doing?"

"Hey, Dedede," Bowser replied with a weak smile.

"Give me a hug!" said the penguin, grabbing the Koopa as he reached the top.

"Careful with the spikes."

"Don't worry, I'm being careful. There we go. Oh, wait – my mitten's caught on one. 'Scuse me."

Bowser walked onto the bridge of the ship, being careful not to tread on one of the many pieces of half-eaten food that littered the floor. Tidiness was not the penguin's strong point.

"Sorry to hear about your son," said Dedede. "Whoever knew that bastard Meta Knight would make a reappearance."

"Should have killed him when we had the chance," grumbled Bowser. "My spies tell me Wario is with them as well." He stepped on the remains of an orange, which made a nasty squelching noise. A Waddle Dee swiftly waddled over to remove it.

"Sorry about the mess," said Dedede over his shoulder. "I got the Waddle Dees working overtime to clean it up. How did your invasion of Yoshi's Island go?"

Bowser said nothing. He continued to pick his way through the mulch in the direction of an armchair.

"That bad, huh?" said Dedede, almost stepping on a Waddle Dee. "Hey, you know, I'm really excited about this meeting. You finally going to tell us what Project Z is?"

"Yes I am," said Bowser, reaching the armchair. "I have it all written down in my speech."

"Oh, you going to make a speech this time? The last two times Ganondorf's done all the talking."

"I know." Bowser threw a drinks can idly at a Waddle Dee. "But this speech is so amazing he'll have to let me read it. It's a modern-day literary classic."

o o o

"Hey, you guys," said Pit, fluttering down. "I flew over the wall and found you. I think I dropped the disguise on a Koopa Trooper back there."

"How did you manage to find us?" asked Sonic, slightly out of breath.

"I just followed the screams."

Luigi glared at Captain Falcon between gasps.

"Y'know, in my defence you did half the screaming," retorted the Captain.

"Yeah, I should have told you that Weegee screams like a girl," said Wario from his position lying on the floor.

"I do not!"

"You never told us why you had a blonde wig and a pink dress in your house," said Meta Knight, shaking out his cape.

"Peach left her spare dress there for when she stopped over."

"And the wig?"

There was an awkward pause.

"Look, do you want me to get you to that secret entrance or not?" said Luigi, an angry edge creeping into his voice.

"Yes!" cried Sonic. "Where is it?"

"Under your feet."

Sonic looked down at the manhole cover.

"Aw, no!" said Wario. "I'll never fit down there!"

"Bye then," said Sonic, as he and the Captain lifted the cover. Yoshi wrinkled his nose in disgust at the smell emanating.

"Ew, gross!" said Pit. "I'm not walking through a sewer."

"Afraid of getting your high heels dirty?" said Wario. Pit stuck out his tongue while the others giggled.

"How did you know about this entrance?" asked Sonic, his feet on the ladder leading into the sewers.

"I'm a plumber," said Luigi. "Mario, Wario, me – we all went to the same plumbing college. That was before Mario tried his hand at medicine and Wario got his own company, which left me to unblock the castle drains."

"You coming down with us, Luigi?" asked Meta Knight, going down after Sonic.

"No way! Now that Bowser's in charge, there's no telling what may be down there!"

"Well, thanks for your help anyway. We'll rescue your Princess, and your brother." And Meta Knight disappeared from view.

The others went down, one by one. Pit slid down the ladder easily. Yoshi took a bit more care, angling his head to fit it through the opening and grasping the rungs with difficulty, given his stubby arms. Wario, as he had prophesied, got stuck in the manhole, and the Captain had to stamp him through. Then he started to climb down himself.

"One last thing," he said when just his head was poking out. "My Blue Falcon is parked in some bushes behind your house. If anybody steals it, I will kill you with my bare hands. Understand? Bare hands." And he was gone.

Luigi dragged the manhole cover back into place with some difficulty. It was at times like this that he wished he had his brother's physical strength.

"Hey, you there!"

Luigi let out a yelp and turned around. A Koopatrol was walking in his direction, flanked by a couple of Koopa Troopers. "They've come for me at last!" he thought.

"Isn't that Mario?" said one of the Troopers.

"Nah. Mario wears red, and he doesn't look so limp," replied the Koopatrol. "Besides, he's safely under lock and key. Hey, droopy 'stache. You seen the Princess around anywhere? She seems to be able to grow wings now."

"P-p-princess?" stuttered Luigi. "N-n-no, I d-don't think so. Or, wait, maybe I s-saw her running towards the town gate. But that was half an hour or so ago."

"Get a shave," said the other Trooper as the three walked off, leaving Luigi thoroughly relieved. Sometimes, there were benefits to not being so famous.


	8. Part 8

The sewer did not smell as bad as it might have done. Yoshi's ultra-sensitive olfactory organ rebelled when exposed to the scent of the waters flowing just below the troop's feet, but the others were perfectly able to withstand the stench. Furthermore, the raised walkways above the torrent might almost have been designed for people wishing to enter the castle secretly and without spoiling their best footwear, and Pit provided enough light to determine the way by raising his glowing halos and firing arrows into the distance. Granted, a few bright red Cheep Cheep fish jumped from the water, and one hit Pit in his still-not-quite-fully-healed wing, but aside from that the journey was relatively peaceful and almost pleasant. They trudged on, their echoing footsteps accompanied only by the sound of the river of filth.

It was only after several minutes' quiet march that Meta Knight spoke up.

"Does anyone know where we're going?" His voice echoed even more than usual.

The march ground to a halt.

"Oh my Goddess," said Pit quietly. "We're going to starve to death in here."

"Nonsense!" said Sonic, more confidently than he felt. "We'll find a way in. Remember, the sewers go to the castle, so if we just follow the light…"

"What light!" cried Pit, approaching hysterics. "My halos are the only light here!"

"Well, cover them up and let's see if we can see any other light."

Pit nervously removed the rings and wrapped them in his tunic, plunging them into total darkness.

"There's no other light!" yelled the angel, now having reached Hysterics Town and making his way rapidly towards Tears Street.

"Don't worry, kid," said Wario. "If we start to starve, we'll just eat each other. Dibs on your wings."

Yoshi's head once more connected with Wario's fleshy belly, sending him bouncing backwards. Pit broke down and fell to the floor, sobbing brokenly, while the dinosaur knelt down beside him and comforted him.

"Right," said Sonic. "I'll take one of Pit's halos and run on ahead. If I see anything, I'll run back. I bet I can run around the entire sewage system in a few minutes."

Pit had dropped the rings, so Sonic picked one up and dashed off, leaving the other five alone in the almost-darkness, listening to the angel crying. Yoshi whispered something to Meta Knight, who beckoned Captain Falcon to kneel down.

"He says that Pit might appreciate some kind words and human contact," he said.

"Go on, then," said the Captain. "Give him a hug."

"I'm not human, and my voice scares little children. And Wario's out of the question. His smell alone would make Pit sick."

Captain Falcon's shocked expression could just about be distinguished. "You mean… You want me to…"

"It won't make you gay. I promise. If Wario says it does, I'll slice him into the river."

"It's just, I'm not sure I can…"

"Just try. Please. My ears can't take much more bawling."

Captain Falcon walked stiffly over to where Pit was sobbing, and knelt down awkwardly. He slowly reached out a hand to pat the angel's head. Meta Knight moved into a position where he could easily stab Wario, who forcibly shut the mouth he had opened.

"There, there," said Captain Falcon, trying to make his voice soft and bouncing his hand off Pit's head robotically. "It'll be all right. Sonic's gone off to find a way out. He's a hero back on his home planet, you know…"

Pit rushed at the Captain and hugged him tightly, crying into his six-pack. After a brief moment of awkwardness, the Captain returned the embrace.

"You know, this isn't so bad," he said, a silly smile on his face. "Is this what having a child's like?"

"Aww. Tender moment?"

Captain Falcon hurriedly extricated himself from the angel's arms and glared at Sonic.

"I meant that seriously!" said Sonic quickly. "But if you've finished hugging, then I think there's something you should all see."

o o o

"Ta-da!"

"It's a speck of light," said Captain Falcon, unimpressed.

"Hey, we wanted to find something, and there it is!" retorted Sonic. "Beside, unless I'm very much mistaken, it's gotten closer."

"Closer?" said Pit, his tears drying slowly. "We've been walking for like an hour."

"He's right, though," said Meta Knight. "It is getting bigger."

They looked at the speck in the distance, which did indeed seem to be becoming less distant as they watched.

"Hello, wandering travellers," came a deep booming voice on par with Meta Knight's. "Would any of you care to buy some supplies from an old merchant?"

"Hey, I recognise that voice," said Wario.

"So do I," remarked Meta Knight. "There's something about the timbre and the pitch."

"I was thinking more of the way it seems to appear in your head as opposed to entering through the ears."

"There's that too," conceded Meta Knight, "but it's also something about the timbre and the pitch."

The light had become a lot closer, and could now be seen to be emanating from a lantern, held by a peculiar three-fingered hand. The figure behind the lantern was obscured by a cape and hood, but two peculiar purple eyes shone out from beneath the cowl.

"Oh Arceus, what are you two doing here?" said the eyes, looking at Wario and Meta Knight. "Have I stumbled into the LOVE again?"

"I know who you are," said Wario, snapping his pudgy fingers. "You're Mewtwo."

"Mewwho?" asked Sonic.

"Mewtwo. Very powerful psychic Pokémon. We interviewed it and asked whether it wanted to be part of the LOVE, but it declined…"

"I do not need anyone's help," growled Mewtwo. "If I wanted to I could take over the world on my own."

"…so we put this giant serpent thing called Rayquaza in charge of the Pokémon territories instead."

"So what's he… er, _it_ doing down here?" asked Sonic.

"I thought that if anyone was going to come into the Mushroom Kingdom to try and stop the LOVE, they would try and sneak through the sewers to get into the castle," said Mewtwo.

"You got that right," agreed Sonic. "But what I mean is, if you're a super-powerful Pokémon, why are you disguising yourself as a merchant and hiding instead of taking the LOVE on yourself?"

The purple eyes looked at the floor. "For reasons that I do not wish to go into…"

"Rayquaza got it from behind," chirped Wario.

Mewtwo's eyes flashed, and Wario gave a small squeal and toppled over.

"…I am currently recovering my prodigious strength. I could not take the LOVE on as I am, so I am exercising my hatred of them by helping their enemies. But it appears I have stumbled upon the LOVE themselves."

"Have no fear," said Meta Knight. "We now belong to the anti-LOVE group called the League of Legends."

"Except we're not called that," said Sonic, irritably. "Mewtwo, what have you got to sell?"

The Pokémon looked uncertain for a minute, before nodding and removing its hood. The head underneath looked like that of an emaciated white cat with rage emanating from every pore. Mewtwo pulled aside a portion of its robe.

"Bob-ombs," it said, indicating small bombs with feet and eyes. "Three currently in stock. 1,000 Mushroom Coins a piece."

"You can find them wandering around the Kingdom," said Wario, still lying on the floor. "What sort of a deal is that?"

"I have modified these personally. As you can see, they have a button on their tops instead of a fuse, meaning that they can be made to explode at will. One thousand coins each. Bargain."

"Still, we don't actually need them," persisted Wario. "Waste of money if you ask me."

"Say that again when you reach the solid iron grille blocking your way into the castle. And I can tell you now, fat man, that not even the angel will fit through the bars, let alone you."

The group pooled their wallets – which is to say, the Captain, Pit and Meta Knight pooled their wallets. Sonic had been supplied with Mushroom Kingdom coins by IPAF, but they were of the old, pre-Bowser style and would not be accepted now. Yoshi carried no money and Wario was trying not to be noticed. The total amounted to a little over two thousand.

"We could buy a couple," said Pit.

"When a cup of coffee costs one hundred, we can't really spare one thousand if we intend to eat," pointed out Meta Knight.

"Inflation sucks," said Captain Falcon.

"One of these for the whole lot. What do you say?"

Sonic was extending his hand, and in his glove was a single brilliant-cut purple gemstone, the size of his fist, glimmering in the lantern light.

Wario's eyes grew to the size of soup plates. "Is that a Chaos Emerald?"

Sonic turned sharply. "How do you know about the Chaos Emeralds?" Once again, he had thought the Nintens ignorant of what happened outside their planet.

"I'm a treasure hunter," said Wario simply. "Are they really as powerful as they're rumoured to be?"

"They were. Their power burnt up when I flew through your barrier."

"Wah."

"But they're still magnificent and beautiful stones," said Sonic, turning back to Mewtwo, "worth far more than three thousand coins. Do we have a deal?"

Mewtwo slowly extended a three-fingered paw, with every finger tipped by a large soft pad. Sonic dropped the gem into its hand, where it remained suspended effortlessly by Mewtwo's telekinesis. With a similar effortlessness, the Bob-ombs floated out of its cloak and into a small velvet bag, their eyes fixed on the stone and reflecting its purple glitter.

"Carry this bag carefully," said Mewtwo, handing it to Sonic. "If the Bob-ombs collide and a button is pressed accidentally, you have five seconds to throw it clear."

"I think maybe we'll take them separately," said Sonic with a grimace, handing one bomb to the Captain and another to Wario.

"Well, I must be on my way," said Mewtwo, the Chaos Emerald vanishing within the folds of its cloak. "May you succeed in your quest to grind the LOVE into dust."

It floated away down the dark tunnels while the group, carrying their dangerous cargo, continued in the direction they had been going. Only Pit was hesitant to follow.

"Wait!" he shouted after the receding cowl. "Which way is the castle?"

"These pipes take water from the castle to the treatment plant," replied Mewtwo's voice/thoughts, echoing in the angel's mind.

"So what?"

"So which way is the current flowing?"

Pit watched the figure of the Pokémon extinguish its lantern and vanish into the inky black.

"Oh yeah…"

o o o

One has to feel sorry for the minions of Bowser. So far, in the telling of this tale, they have suffered:

Having their planes/tanks blown up;

Being turned into eggs by Yoshis;

A humiliating defeat;

Beatings from the LOL on the way to Toad Town;

Being run over by the Blue Falcon on Captain Falcon's "test drives";

Being deceived by a false princess;

A Falcon PUNCH to the face;

More beatings in Toad Town.

Yet all of these are a picnic compared to what one castle guard was about to experience. She was a Boomerang Bro., a variant of the Hammer Brother with a blue helmet and shell and a preference for boomerangs (even the females are known as "Bros."), and she was on her day off. Of course, Bowser's troops still spent their days off in the castle, so that they could be called on to take care of trouble at any time.

This Boomerang Bro. (who we shall call Diane, for that was her name) was taken unawares by a full feeling in her bladder, and excusing herself from the game of poker in which she was engaged sought the nearest women's lavatory. Finding a cubicle and sitting upon the device inside, she relaxed totally and allowed her body to take its natural course. She felt so good that she even started to hum.

"All right. Put it on this ledge here."

This voice came out of nowhere, and was male. On reflex, Diane covered up her private parts, before remembering that she was safely in the cubicle and even if there was a man out there, she was safely away from his prying eyes.

"Okay, press the button and run like your cape is on fire!"

The voice again, and what it was saying made no sense. Furthermore, it sounded as if it was coming from underneath her. Diane was just about to get up and check in the toilet basin, when she was thrown off the seat by a violent shaking feeling.

It only lasted for a moment, but it was enough to scare Diane witless. Had she not needed to urinate very, very badly, she would have put on her helmet and found another lavatory. However, the next Ladies' was on the ground floor, which was quite a climb from the second basement. So, checking carefully in the water to make sure there was nobody there, she sat back down and prepared to finish what she had started.

"Failed. What do we do now?"

"If you look here, the stonework's crumbling a bit. Maybe one more bomb would do it."

"Yow yow yoshi!"

"He says he'll spit the bomb to give it some extra force."

"What if it goes wrong and it explodes in his mouth?"

"He probably won't notice. They have very tough mouths."

"Well, okay…"

At this point, Diane was convinced that she was going mad. She could hear voices coming through the floor, seemingly talking about blowing up some stonework. She wondered whether she should tell Bowser or a psychiatrist first.

Suddenly, she no longer needed to make a decision. The floor opened outwards beneath her, flinging her up into the ceiling and knocking her out cold. Out of the hole that remained came a hedgehog, a racing driver, an angel, a hubcap-knight hybrid, a dinosaur and Wario.

"Well, that's blown it," said Captain Falcon.

o o o

But wait! I am sure that the reader's heart is now bleeding for Diane, the Boomerang Bro. (or Sis.) whose consciousness was so rudely terminated as she sat on the toilet; however, one should not let a single unfortunate event overpower one. There may be something even worse around the corner.

Kammy Koopa sat at her camera console, tearing at her white hair as she saw the troops under her temporary control being annihilated by the invaders. Wave after wave of Goombas, Koopa Troopers, Hammer Bros., Fire Bros., Boomerang Bros., Magikoopas, Koopatrols – all of them fell like tissue paper before the LOL. Sonic and Captain Falcon formed the front line of offence, rushing into the fracas in a spiky ball and Falcon Kick respectively. Meta Knight dashed around, mopping up the remains of the charge with a bit of fancy bladework, while Pit and Yoshi picked off their foes from a distance with a barrage of arrows and seemingly unending eggs. Wario made his own way, barging through with his right arm.

"What would Lord Bowser say if he could see this?" she cried.

She frantically fired a few Bullet Bill missiles (regular missiles with eyes) at the invaders, but it was no use. Most of them were easily dodged, and the ones that had any chance of hitting were eaten and spat out at the Koopa troops by Yoshi.

As she switched between the sets of cameras to follow the attackers, sweat began to drip down her forehead. The fact that tortoises are cold-blooded and therefore cannot sweat should give an idea of how scared she was. 4th floor, 5th floor, 6th floor… Kammy watched them bowl aside legions of the Koopas' finest with barely a scratch. (Pit got his wing set on fire by a stray Magikoopa spell, but Yoshi extinguished the flame by eating and regurgitating him.) And soon, they would be at the tower…

Kammy was scared, but one did not become Bowser's aide without possessing a certain amount of reckless bravado. She rose from her swivel chair and stalked out of the camera centre, onto the spiral staircase leading up to Bowser's room. Planting herself firmly on the steps, she waited for them to come.

As she waited, and vague sounds of battle wafted up from below, the sweat subsided. Even if they all came up at once, the stairwell was too narrow for more than one to attack at a time, meaning she could take them down in turn. She did not know about King Leonidas and the battle of Thermopylae, but had she done so his exploit would certainly have risen to mind.

Footsteps came up the tower, and Kammy smiled grimly. Truly, when she fought off a troupe of six invaders by herself, Lord Bowser would thank her most heartily, and call her the heroine of the castle. Finally, she would shake herself free of her more successful brother's shadow. She raised her wand.

Is it not tragic that the footsteps belonged to Sonic? Have you no sympathy for Kammy, all prepared for glory? Do you feel no twinge of pity for the old Koopa, bowled aside by a hedgehog who barely knew she was there, and who even gave a 'sorry' complete with Doppler effect as he vanished up the stairs? Does it not make your heart bleed yet more to know that she was reduced to near unconsciousness in the camera room, able to do no more than look as her enemies streamed past? Even Diane would have felt that Kammy was hard done by.

Steel yourself, dear reader. The most painful and depressing experience is yet to come.

o o o

"Well, here we are," said Sonic, as the others reached the top of the stairs. "Bowser's room." He indicated the big red wooden door.

"Still no sign of the Princess' room yet," said the Captain, looking around.

"Captain, you are not going to have sex with Princess Peach while we are here," growled Meta Knight.

"I wasn't going to," said the Captain, although his eyes told a different story.

"Hooray!" said Wario. "More nookie for me!"

"Take your stinking paws off my woman!"

"You just said you weren't going to have sex with her."

"I said not here! I didn't rule out the possibility of doing it afterwards!"

"If either of you tries to make a move on her, I will personally chop off the organ responsible," hissed Meta Knight. "Understood?"

The two men both gulped and clutched their crotches. Sonic rolled his eyes and pushed open the door.

The group were surprised at Bowser's room. This was probably in part due to the interior design. After Bowser had taken over the kingdom, he had altered Peach's castle so that it looked like one of his own, featuring lava pits, retractable spiky ceilings and sentient stone blocks called Thwomps, designed to crush anybody who walked beneath them by descending very fast. The effect was completed by bare stone walls and maroon carpets everywhere, including the lavatories. In stark contrast to all this, Bowser's room had a beige carpet, lime wallpaper, wooden furniture and a gently glowing electric light.

It also had a giant plant-animal in the middle, and if one must be honest that was probably the most surprising aspect.

The creature's enormous head, ringed by a circle of yellow petals, resembled a red Venus flytrap with white spots and enormous green lips. It was supported by a tiny body with leaves for arms, roots for legs and a pair of entirely incongruous polka-dot underpants with the same colour scheme as the head. Dribble slowly fell from its massive fangs and tongue and made a puddle on the floor.

"Holy crap," said Sonic quietly.

"It has no eyes or ears," whispered Meta Knight. "It may not even know we're here."

The head came crashing down, hitting Wario square on the cranium and burying him in the ground.

"I think it knows we're here," said Sonic.

"What's happened to the bomb?" shouted Pit.

The Bob-omb that Wario had been holding had rolled away and was sitting on the floor, blinking occasionally. Sonic dashed over and picked it up, at the same time jumping out of the way of a swing from the creature's leaf. Opening its gargantuan maw to its maximum extent, the plant lunged at Pit, who screamed and fired an arrow at the monster's uvula. It reared backwards, roaring with pain and clutching at its mouth with both leaves.

Captain Falcon took the opportunity to dash in and perform a Falcon Punch to the creature's stomach, jumping nimbly out of the way as a leaf swiped at him. The monster retched, gasped for air and then spewed a torrent of foul-smelling brown liquid onto the floor.

"Nobody attack his stomach!' cried the Captain, before the goo hit him in the face.

Piranha Plants, aggressive Venus flytraps with the same red and white polka dot colour scheme as the monster, erupted from the sludge and began to snap at the group. Meta Knight flew nimbly around slicing their stalks off, but was knocked into the wall by a stray head-butt from their creator. Sonic's dash was curtailed when he slipped on the goo and sent the Bob-omb flying.

Wario finally managed to pull himself out of the ground, just as the Bob-omb landed directly in front of him on its button. Its eyes turned red.

"Ah, fuck this," said Wario, in one move picking up the bomb, punching a nearby Piranha Plant on the nose (or where its nose would have been) and staring down the big creature, who gave another massive roar.

"Bon appétit!" said Wario, throwing the hissing explosive down the creature's throat.

Everything seemed to pause for a second. Then there was the sound of a muffled explosion, and the creature started to scream, smoke rising from its innards.

"That's one hell of a stomach lining," remarked the Captain.

We have sat through the trials of Diane the Boomerang Bro., slowly regaining consciousness in the exploded lavatory. We have read of the pain and suffering of Kammy Koopa, slowly losing consciousness in the camera centre. Yet these must surely be small fry compared to the anguish that Petey Piranha (yes, the creature has a name) was experiencing now. To have one bomb explode in one's throat is unfortunate, but to then be standing on another one just as it detonates, with the resultant force flinging you through the ceiling of a very tall tower and into the castle moat, is very unlucky indeed. And when one considers that only three days ago Bowser had finally got around to replacing the water in the moat with lava, Petey must have really felt that whichever deity or deities were up there really had it in for him.

And that, dear reader, is the most depressing story you will read for quite some time. Now back to some light comedy.

o o o

The sludge hardened remarkably quickly, and the Piranha Plants dried up and collapsed as it did so. That still left the group stuck in the remains, of course, not to mention covered in the hardened liquid. The worst off were Sonic, who had taken a dive in the substance, and Captain Falcon, who had received a full-on blow from the initial sludge wave. Wario was brown up to his stomach, but seemed not to mind too much.

"Let's face it," said Pit, tugging at his boot, "we stink."

"We weren't the bad," said Sonic. "I mean, at least we beat him, right?"

"No, I mean we actually stink because of the goop."

"Oh. Yeah, yeah we do."

"I want to take a shower before I meet the Princess!" said Captain Falcon.

"My ship!"

Those who had extricated themselves joined Meta Knight, who only had a few brown patches, at the window. They could see the four-winged shape of the Halberd flying gently away in the early morning sky.

"Where could it be going to now?" its owner moaned.

"Hyrule," stated Sonic in a matter-of-fact voice. "For the LOVE meeting. Wario told us, remember?"

"Where is Wario, anyway?" remarked Captain Falcon.

Wario was prising open a small door with a crown motif on, stuck shut by the solidified gunge. After three or four pulls, he gave up and gave it a bicep charge, knocking the door off its hinges.

"Where do you think you're going?" said Captain Falcon, walking over to him with difficulty (the hardened sludge was still slippery).

"You said you wanted a shower before you meet the Princess," said Wario. "So while you're doing that, I'm going to have a word with her."

"And take all the credit for saving her?" yelled the good Captain. "I don't think so!"

Barging Wario out of the way, he ran down the small corridor towards the Princess' room at the far end. Then he flew out the other way, as the blast of the fifth explosion that morning flung him back into the room.

"All right, nobody move!" said Peach, wading through the smoke. "I have a frying pan here, and… Yoshi!"

Still holding the pan, the Princess ran daintily across the hardened sludge and threw her arms around the dinosaur, who squeaked joyfully and suffered himself to be hugged.

"I'm so glad you're okay!" said Peach. "Did you come here to rescue me?"

"We all did, actually," said Captain Falcon, hoping for a hug himself in spite of the brown solid covering his body.

Peach looked up and seemed to see the others for the first time. Captain Falcon was twiddling his thumbs and avoiding eye contact, Pit was gawping outright and Wario was giving her a sleazy smile. Even Sonic was shuffling awkwardly. Meta Knight, as the only non-dinosaur seemingly still in control of his mental facilities, stepped forward.

"Forgive us our current state of filthiness, your highness," he said, bowing slightly. "We have just been fighting the beast keeping you in your room, and it coated the chamber in foul-smelling ooze. Fortunately, we were able to repulse it."

"Aww, that's so sweet!" said Peach. "But I wasn't actually being kept in my room. I'd planted C4 under Petey Piranha and on my door, so I could kill him and break out any time I wanted."

"Oh," said Meta Knight, more than a little disheartened.

"But thank you anyway," said Peach, kneeling next to him. "It was very sweet of you to try." She kissed him on the helmet, leaving the others to reel in jealous shock. Meta Knight blushed underneath the mask.

There was a loud and raucous banging at the door.

"Now who can that be?" said Peach, going to open it.

"Princess!" said the Captain, rushing to her side. "It's probably the hordes of Koopas coming to kill us all."

"Oh."

"But fear not," proclaimed the Captain, puffing out his chest, "for I will hold them off single-handedly."

"Oh, okay," said Peach. "I mean, I guess it's quite easy with the stairs being quite narrow and all."

The chest deflated.

"In the meantime, the rest of you can tell me all about yourselves. Except you," she said, sniffing in Wario's direction. "I already know more about you than I care to know."

"Come on, Peach, that's not fair!" pleaded Wario. "Did you know that I can crush a walnut between my abs?"

"Oh, really? Well, that explains their current brown colour."


	9. Part 9

"…and so I left Palutena's service in order to travel the world as a sort of wandering hero, searching for – well, I suppose you could say for myself."

"That's awfully romantic," said Peach, her chin in her hands.

Pit reddened. "Perhaps I can read you one of the poems I wrote on my wanderings? It's called, 'To a Black…' I'm sorry, that should say, 'To a _Blonde_-Haired Beauty.'"

"I'm sure Peach has heard enough," intervened Sonic quickly, as a newly cleaned Meta Knight exited the shower. "We should start thinking about how to get out of here."

So far, the group had been taking it in turns to use the shower in Peach's room, fight off the Koopa hordes using the narrowness of the staircase and tell Peach their life stories/gawp at her. As the only one who felt no sexual attraction towards the Princess, Yoshi had been on Koopa duty for the last half hour, and his head was getting tired.

"Why don't we just barge through them?" suggested the Captain. "Worked last time."

"Last time we had the element of surprise," answered Sonic. "Plus, we weren't trying to work our way down a very narrow staircase."

Peach gave a thoughtful "hm", got up off the slippery floor (with not a little difficulty) and started pressing the walls.

"What are you doing, your highness?" asked Meta Knight.

"Oh, for goodness' sake call me Peach," she said into the wall. "You rescued me. You're my friends now. Well, except for Wario, of course."

"What did I do?"

"Help to spread the LOVE's reign of evil and corruption for a year, plus you're ugly and you smell. Aha – here we are."

She gave an apparently nondescript brick in the wall a small push, then a longer push and then another small one. The entire wall behind Bowser's wardrobe opened up, and the piece of furniture was swallowed by the darkness beyond.

"The castle has lots of secret passages," said Peach, as the others looked into the gloom. "This slide will take us out and into the castle gardens. Problem solved."

"Is it safe?" asked Meta Knight.

"Safer than a ravening Koopa horde, yes. Just watch out for friction burns."

"Permit me to go first," said Sonic gallantly, "just to make sure."

"Why do you get to go first?" asked Captain Falcon.

Yoshi ran past them and, with a quick cry of "hup!", slid away down the slide. Behind him, the door burst open.

"Okay, we'll all go first!"

o o o

"You know," said King Dedede, "nine months of flying this thing and I still can't work some of these buttons. After all the system hacking to get the damn thing off the ground, you'd have thought that I'd be able to access all the functions, but no. Half the panel's stuck."

Bowser continued to pace around the room uneasily. The floor space was almost clear now, with only a few Waddle Dees remaining to clean up the last of the waste. However, King Dedede was doing his best to remedy this; he was making his way through a fruit bowl, littering the area around his chair with cores, stones and skins.

"Why so serious, King Bebebe?" he asked.

"I feel a disturbance in the force," was the cryptic reply.

"A what in the what now?"

"Something's wrong."

"Gwahahaha!" guffawed Bowser's mobile, right on cue. The caller was not identified on screen.

"Who is it?" said Bowser gruffly. "And if it's bad news, don't tell me. I've had enough of that."

"Er, okay, your Gnarlyness," said Kammy's croaky tones. "How is your trip going?"

"Fine, then," said Bowser in a resigned tone. "Tell me the bad news."

"The little group you sent the Koopa squads to destroy? They've overrun the castle."

"What? How did they get into the town? And through the castle gates?"

"Apparently, there was a Code Pink outside the town gate, allowing them to get inside. And then they blew up the ladies' lavatory in the basement…"

Bowser hung up and wheeled on Dedede. "Turn this heap of junk around."

"No can do, buddy. It's three o'clock in the morning now. If I turn around here, we'll never get to the meeting in time. Can't you get your kids on the case?"

"Bowser Junior is recovering in the hospital wing, and my other children have gone off in a sulk because…"

"Because you shouted at them, huh?"

Bowser looked at the floor. "Maybe. We've got to get back!"

"We can't!" shouted Dedede; and then, seeing the look on Bowser's face, "Look, if your Project Z thingy is half as good as you and G-dorf make it out to be, it'll wipe those assholes out in three seconds flat."

Bowser sagged into a chair. "You're such a nice guy, Dee. How'd you become a villain?"

"Greed, big man. Greed." And he threw the empty bowl neatly onto a Waddle Dee's head.

o o o

Captain Falcon reached the end of the slide, and converted his downwards motion into a jumping flip that brought him neatly to a stop at the end of the room. With a cry of "yes!" he turned around and caught Peach neatly in his arms as she slid down after him. He thought about kissing the Princess there and then, but Meta Knight was watching; instead, he set her gently down and gave her his most winning smile. Peach smiled back.

Wario's landing was the least graceful of the bunch. He had slid down on his rear, and instead of bringing himself to a gentle stop he careened into the nearest wall with a cry of "Wah!"

"I think I've busted my conk," he moaned.

"Save it for someone who cares," said Peach over her shoulder.

A couple of brave Koopas had followed them down the slide, but the ones that had not been impaled by Pit's arrows on the way down met with a Falcon Punch at the bottom that sent them sliding at least halfway back up.

"Now, if I'm not mistaken, this door should take us out of the castle," said Peach, indicating a door with a brass star affixed.

Captain Falcon, Pit and Wario all rushed to open the door, but Sonic beat them to it and held it open for the Princess with a sheepish smile and an awkward giggle. Yoshi rolled his eyes and stalked through after Peach.

"Okay, I was mistaken."

The room beyond was a concrete hangar, filled with all sorts of weird and wonderful vehicles. Peach and Yoshi recognised Bowser's Koopa Clown Car, along with a few Koopa military vehicles. There were many different models of go-karts, along with a few motorbikes and some aerial transports.

"Don't touch that!" snarled Peach, as Wario tried to clamber into a go-kart. "That's Mario's. You'd break it."

"We may still be in the castle," said Sonic, "but can't we take one of these vehicles out? If we get something that's strong enough, or can fly, that could get us out of the town."

"Yawah?" asked Yoshi, indicating with his head.

The vehicle he was pointing to was a yellow and blue machine that looked vaguely like a wingless fighter jet, with a curved head and two green "eyes". It was easily big enough to transport the seven of them, while remaining effortlessly sleek and streamlined.

"Hey, that's my Falcon Flyer!" said Captain Falcon, running over to it. "They must have picked this up when they raided my fortress off Port Town. Hiya baby, how are you? Have they been nice to you?" he cooed, stroking its flank.

"You don't seem as upset about this one," said Sonic.

"Of course I'm not upset. I've found it. This is my transporter – I usually use the Blue Falcon for races. I love them both in very different ways. You know, sometimes I imagine they're both women, and obviously they're really hot, and we have the most amazing trios together. The Blue Falcon's the more eager one, she's up for anything, and the Falcon Flyer's a bit uncertain at first, but once she gets into it…"

He looked at the shocked and disgusted expressions on the other's faces and coughed.

"…But perhaps now is not the time. Peach, have you ever watched an F-Zero race?"

"Once. Hated it."

"Oh." An awkward pause. "Shall we go inside her?"

"That just took on a whole new meaning," muttered Meta Knight.

o o o

The Falcon Flyer flew gracefully out over the heads of the Koopa army, which had surrounded the castle in an attempt to halt the progress of the escapees. Princess Peach blew them a kiss out the window as the ship soared over the wall around Toad Town and off towards Hyrule.

"Okay, I admit that this ship is pretty swish," said Sonic.

"Pretty swish?" said Captain Falcon from the pilot's seat. "What you are talking about, my spiny buddy, is state-of-the-art space-age technology, modified by yours truly to make the ultimate transport machine."

"The seats are kind of not comfortable, though," said Pit.

"Usually I have the Blue Falcon back there. Those are fold-out seats."

"If you want, you can switch seats with me," said Peach, who had the comfy seat next to Captain Falcon by the Captain's insistence.

"Yeah," sneered Wario, "let the sewer lovers sit together. Ow!" He clutched his backside and looked behind him into Meta Knight's yellow eyes.

"No no, I insist you stay here," said the Captain. "I'm sure Pit wouldn't deprive a lady of her throne."

Pit nodded, seething inwardly.

"One thing makes me curious," said Sonic, his legs growing restless again. "Peach, how did you get hold of some C4 and a detonator? Do they normally keep it in the castle?"

"Oh, that? Some guy called Solid Snake gave them to…"

Sonic was out of his seat and at the Princess' side before she could finish her sentence.

"A guy called Solid Snake?"

"Yes. Do you know him?"

"How long you got?" said the Captain, smoothly turning the Flyer to avoid a flock of bats.

"What did he say? Did he say where he was going? Did he leave you a message? Did he mention me?"

Peach looked at him quizzically. "What's the relationship between you two?"

"No relationship!" said Sonic, blushing furiously. "I just need to find him, that's all!"

"Sorry," said Peach, unable to completely prevent a smile. "Let me see. He told me that he'd come from another planet to find out what was going on with Nintendo – just like you, actually. He stayed for a few nights in my room…"

"That bastard better not have tried to hit on my woman," muttered Wario.

"I'm not your woman. Anyway, he told me that he was going to stow away on a ship to Hyrule Castle…"

"My ship," growled Meta Knight.

"…where they were holding a major meeting, and he was going to find out what was happening there, and about something called Project Z, and rescue the princess at the same time."

"Princess Zelda!" said Captain Falcon. "I've met her once. She is smoking."

Peach glared at him. "_Anyway_, he said that after that, he'd sneak out and take out the barrier around the planet."

"That way we could get more help in from outside!" said Sonic. "Brilliant! Does he know how?"

"He seemed to."

Sonic turned to the group (apart from the Captain and the Princess, who were sitting in the seats behind him). "Gentlemen (and lady), we have reached a turning point in our quest to free the planet of Nintendo from the foul rule of the LOVE. Very soon, we shall not only meet up with a man known to us as a one-man army, but also know exactly what this Project Z is and how to take down the barrier that surrounds this planet. From there, it will only be a matter of time…"

Captain Falcon banked sharply to the right. Sonic fell over and rolled hard into the wall of the vehicle.

"And that is why we don't stand up in the ship."

o o o

Time passes.

The journey was not long; the Falcon Flyer, although not as fast as the Captain's other ship, had a top speed that still outpaced the Wario Bike. The scenery quickly changed, from green grass to quicksand desert to barren desert and back to Hyrule Field.

Most of this went sadly unnoticed. The LOL had slept badly for the past few nights of trekking, and not at all so far that day. The chairs may have been uncomfortable, but compared to the wet grass they were plush velvet, and there was no threat of having to wake up to fight Koopa squadrons. The Captain set the Falcon Flyer on autopilot and an alarm to wake him up when they were within ten miles of the castle, took off his helmet and joined the others in slumber with his head on Peach's shoulder.

Another thing the ship's crew missed due to sleep was the increased amount of Bullet Bills they encountered on their way out of the Mushroom Kingdom and large black birds upon reaching Hyrule. The Falcon Flyer's autopilot was advanced enough to dodge around these hazards with little problem, but the evidence that the attempts to catch them were stepping up was undeniable.

And time passes.

o o o

The magical force field around Hyrule Castle crackled and vanished as the Halberd flew into the grounds, touching down gently on a terrace near the top of the building. The gangplank slowly descended, and Bowser and Dedede, still yawning from their naps, walked down it to meet the man who had come out to welcome them.

He was dressed in black armour and a whirling blue cape with a purple lining. His head, like his body, was big and broad, and boasted fiery red hair, beard and eyebrows above deep-set orange eyes. A large yellow gem was set into his forehead, and small spectacles perched on his large nose. His skin was entirely green.

"Dedede! Bowser! So glad you could make it!" he said in a genial manner.

"Hey, big G," said Dedede, giving Ganondorf an all-enveloping embrace that made the green man look positively small.

"You know," said Ganondorf, returning the hug, "if anyone else tried to hug me they'd be covered in dark flames by now."

Dedede let go of him quickly.

"Good job you're not anyone else, eh?" laughed Ganondorf. "Now, why don't you make your way to the main hall? The others are already there. Help yourself to some food! Make yourself at home."

Dedede nodded silently, and opened the door into the castle. Bowser made as if to follow.

"Bowser, my old friend!" said Ganondorf. "No hug for you then?"

"I'm not really a huggy person," mumbled Bowser.

"The spikes, eh? Well, never mind. Now, before we go down and join the others, I thought we should have a little chat, us special ones. How's business back at home?" he asked, taking Bowser towards another door into the castle.

"Pretty good, pretty good," said Bowser, awkwardly.

"Pretty good? But I thought the invasion of Yoshi's Island was a complete failure."

"Well, yes, it was," said Bowser, cursing Ganondorf inwardly, "But then again, it wasn't. I've got my son back, you see. Now…"

"That won't do, Bowser," tutted Ganondorf. "That won't do at all. If people hear that Yoshi's Island has successfully risen up against us, they might try to do the same, mightn't they?"

"I'll organise another invasion as soon as I've sorted out my castle."

"Your castle? Why, what's wrong with it?"

In his head, Bowser said several rude things about Ganondorf's mother.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. I mean, no more than usual."

"What about that group running around? The one you said had Meta Knight and Wario in it?"

"They'll get theirs in time," said Bowser, opening his briefcase. "Now, I've got the speech for the meeting…"

"Ah. Bowser, don't take this the wrong way, but I was thinking I might do the speech this time…"

"But you did it the last two times!" said Bowser, spilling papers everywhere. "Besides, this is an absolute beauty. A classic of the genre."

"I'm sure it is, Bowser, but…"

"Would you like to read some?" said Bowser, pushing a wodge of papers into the green man's face. Ganondorf pushed them gently away.

"Not right now. Look, there's something special I wanted to show you before we meet the others. Something I think you'll like."

"Oh, yippee!" groaned Bowser.

o o o

A blast of electric guitar and a barrage of drums rocked the Falcon Flyer. Its crew were jolted rudely into wakefulness, with the exceptions of Yoshi and Wario, who snored on unperturbed.

"What was that?" cried Peach.

"That was us coming within ten miles of Hyrule Castle," said Captain Falcon, yawning and switching the volume down. "It's actually a death metal remix of the music that plays on the Big Blue race course, and it's the only thing powerful enough to get me fully awake instantly."

"And how come you had your head on Peach's shoulder?" hissed Pit angrily.

"It was comfy," said the Captain. Peach's face gave nothing away.

The ship soared smoothly through the air, taking out a flock of black birds in one fell swoop by driving straight through them.

"Oh my gosh, I just remembered," said Peach. "Snake said there'd be a massive force field thing around the castle."

Indeed, Hyrule Castle Town was just becoming visible, and the building after which the town was named seemed to be surrounded by a large glowing bubble.

"Fantastic," said Captain Falcon. "What do we do now?"

"He said the only point where the force field isn't active is the castle sewer. So if we…"

"Bleurgh," said Pit. "No thanks. I've had enough sewers to last me a lifetime. Maybe Snake's wrong. After all, how's he going to know what the inside of Hyrule Castle's like?"

"He's more likely to know than us," said Sonic.

The barrier crackled briefly and then disappeared.

"It's gone," observed the Captain.

"It's probably letting the Halberd through," said Peach. "It'll be back in a second."

"Unlikely," said Meta Knight, sounding slightly offended. "The Halberd has an engine far more powerful than anything that could fit on this ship. It should have reached Hyrule Castle a while ago."

The barrier seemed to support this story by remaining resolutely gone.

"It's a trap!" cried Sonic. "When we try to fly through, they'll close the force field again and we'll crash into it!"

"How will they know we're here?' asked the Captain. "This baby doesn't show up on radar. I designed the anti-radar system myself."

The barrier was conspicuous by its absence.

"Wah… What's happening?" asked Wario, finally waking up.

"I'm going in," said Captain Falcon, a manic grin on his face. "Everybody hold onto your seatbelts. We're hitting the castle!"

"What if the barrier comes back?" asked Sonic.

"Then we'll all die!"

"Well, that's reassuring."

o o o

"Do you like it, Bowser?" asked Ganondorf.

There was something almost feline about Bowser's toothy grin.

"I like it very much," he said.

o o o

"I still can't believe that you said, 'We're going in!' and then flew away from the castle," grumbled Sonic.

"I was hungry," said Captain Falcon.

They sat in the ruined temple, eating pies that Wario had bought for them from a nearby stall. News travels slowly in Hyrule, and the vendors thought he was still a member of the LOVE, allowing him to purchase supplies without any unwanted attention (extreme fear was wanted attention). Yoshi had gone with him, to make sure the pies made it to the temple without being eaten. What with all the movement of people within the LOVE territories due to a lack of border controls, Yoshis were not uncommon in Hyrule, allowing him to pass unnoticed.

Captain Falcon had, with some skill, piloted the Flyer between the huge gaps in the temple walls and landed it easily. The Moblin guards had assumed that it was a giant metal bird and kept away, while the few people in Hyrule who recognised it as a plane of some sort did not recognise it as Captain Falcon's. Thus they were safe for the time being.

"Well, now that your hunger has been satiated, how in the Gods' names are we going to get from here to the castle without one of us being recognised and brutally murdered by giant pigs?" said Sonic, spitting pie everywhere.

"We could always do what we did last time," said the Captain.

"What, blunder into them and run like hell?"

"Why not?"

"If I may interject."

Nobody could quite remember when the figure in the hood had appeared in their midst, but now that it had drawn attention to itself it was somehow obvious that it had been there for a while now.

"You again?" said Sonic. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I have my ways," said Mewtwo. "Now, you seven want to get into Hyrule Castle in order to disrupt the LOVE. Am I correct?"

"Who's this guy?" whispered Peach in Captain Falcon's ear. "And why does it feel like he's messing with my head?"

"I would not describe it as 'messing'," said Mewtwo, making Peach jump. "It is simply more convenient for me to beam my thoughts directly into your mind than to try and use my limited and untrained vocal chords."

"How does he do that?"

"I can read your mind. And it's not 'he'. I have no sexual organs."

Peach shuddered. "Thank you for telling me that."

"Can we stop discussing the impossibility of an army of baby Mewtwos?" interjected Meta Knight. "Do you have a way to get us into the castle?"

"I do."

"Will you tell it to us?" said Meta Knight tetchily.

"A simple bit of mental manipulation. I use my psychic powers to make you invisible to everyone and take you to the castle. You walk through where the barrier used to be and I leave you there."

"What's the catch?" asked Peach, used to the intricacies of foreign diplomacy.

"It will cost ten thousand coins."

"Is that all?" Peach laughed, producing a pink purse with a floral pattern and counting out thousand-coin notes into Mewtwo's outstretched palm while the others watched in shocked silence. "Goodness, you have really weird pad things on the end of your fingers."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"Where did you get all that money from?" asked Wario, stunned. "I thought Bowser…"

"Yeah, Bowser now owns the royal coffers," said Peach with a swish of her hair, "But he always let me carry some around. He was in love with me, you see."

"Oh great," said Wario. "Another competitor for your love."

"If you mean that he has the same chance as you of getting into bed with me, then I concur."

"You're too slow!" said Sonic, tapping his foot. "Come on, step it up!"

"That line's getting really annoying," said the Captain.

o o o

"They've done WHAT!"

"Something wrong, Bowser?" asked Ganondorf, peering at the Hyrule Tribune.

"What do you mean, 'she's gone'?" yelled the Koopa into his mobile.

"Oh dear," said Ganondorf, half to himself. "That group has rescued your princess."

"Well get her back then! I don't give a fuck how, just do it!" He hung up and grumbled to himself.

"Out of interest, what have they taken?" asked Ganondorf, filling in a crossword clue.

"What d'you think? Plus, they've stolen a nice ship I had in the garage and blown up Petey P."

"Oh dear," said Ganondorf again, pursing his lips. "Still, never mind. Now that Project Z is complete, we can steamroll anyone who tries to move your Princess to another castle. Now, come on. We have a meeting to get to."

"And I have a speech to read, right?"

Ganondorf sighed. "We'll see, Bowser."


	10. Part 10

The barrier was still off as they got near the castle, to the consternation of a group of Moblin guards who were standing where it had been, scratching their heads.

"What do you think y'all are doin'?" said one to the cloaked figure who was walking past them. "No one's allowed inside the castle. Get lost!"

"I am merely a humble merchant, selling my wares to whoever will buy them," said the figure. "I wish to do business within the castle grounds."

"You deaf, boy?" said the Moblin, approaching the figure. "I said get lost! Or do I have to get you lost myself?"

The merchant's purple eyes flashed. With a stupid expression on his face, the Moblin slowly toppled over.

"Drunk," said Mewtwo to the other Moblins. It shrugged and carried on.

"What did you do to him?" whispered Peach, invisible to all but the LOL and Mewtwo.

"Merely a confusion attack," said Mewtwo, directly into her brain. "I didn't actually expect it to be that powerful. Moblins clearly have very weak minds."

"Can you teach me that?" asked Pit.

They continued in silence, walking through the castle garden under a gentle shower, until they reached the main entrance.

"Ganondorf is a mighty sorcerer," said Mewtwo. "He frequently has many guards on watch, and seals off parts of the castle with his dark magic. But with the other LOVE members running around, the seals may not be in use. It is imperative that you deal with any guards stealthily, so as not to alert the LOVE members."

"Got that, Captain?" said Sonic. "_Stealthily_."

"Okay, no Falcon Punches, I get it."

"I must leave you now," said Mewtwo. "I have things of my own to deal with. I wish you the best of luck." He walked back towards the Moblins.

"Inside, quickly, before his protection wears off," said Meta Knight.

Yoshi gritted his teeth and prepared to give the large door a huge shove. Running up to it, he threw himself against its weight and tumbled inside as the door gave way quickly and easily, giving a little squeak as he did so. The resultant rolling dinosaur would have surely alerted the two armoured guards and blown their cover, had said guards not been lying on the floor.

"D'you think they're dead?" asked Pit, looking at one.

"I'd say the missing heads would be a pretty big giveaway," sneered Wario, looking about the massive and lavishly decorated entry hall.

"Looks like Snake's already been here," said Peach smiling.

"Snake this, Snake that, who cares?" said the Captain. "I just want to find Zelda."

"Good for you," replied Meta Knight. "I just want to find my ship."

"Quiet!" hissed Peach, and everybody shut up to listen. "Snake said he would rescue Zelda, so they're probably in the same place anyway. I say we split into groups. Half of us go and find Zelda and Snake, and half of us go and find the Halberd so that we can make a quick getaway."

Yoshi squeaked quietly, in a manner Meta Knight translated as asking what use the two halves of the seventh person might be.

"Oh ha ha, very funny. Sonic and I are interested in Snake, so we'll go find him…"

"…And I'll come with you to find Zelda," said Captain Falcon, wiping away some spittle.

"Fine," said Peach, imperceptibly clenching her little fists and gritting her teeth. "You can come drool over Zelda's breasts, and the rest of you go and find the Halberd."

"Come," intoned Meta Knight, "let us be off."

"Aww, I want to drool over Zelda's breasts too," said Wario.

"That would involve you coming with me," said Peach. "That is not going to happen."

"Oh yeah, I wanna come with you, baby…"

A golf club emerged from the folds of Peach's skirt and hit Wario in the face. The stroke would have been a solid three hundred-metre drive and was made to a smattering of applause.

o o o

"If you had only read some of it…"

"Bowser, I don't have time. I'm sure your speech is a solid nugget of literary excellence, but I have my own and we do not have long."

"Ganondorf…"

"And here we are. Big smile now, and let's pretend we haven't been having a meaningless squabble over a few words on a scrap of paper. And not a word about Projects X and Y. Chin up!"

They pushed open the double doors and entered the great hall. "Great" is actually a bit of an understatement – "absolutely flipping enormous hall" might be better. The walls were lined with lavish tapestries, eating benches spanned the length of the room and on a small stage at one end, four notables were seated on wooden chairs around a circular table.

Ganondorf and Bowser strode towards them from the other end of the room, noticing as they did so the location of the fifth notable. Together, the seven beings in the room, known as the LOVE High Council, made up the governing body of most of the planet, so it is only fair that they get a bit of description. The reader already knows about King Dedede, who was demolishing a fruit bowl as if the existence of the world depended on it.

Next to him sat a small fat teenager, fiddling with a zit on his face. His blonde pudding-bowl cut hid his eyes, leaving only his turned-up nose and wide mouth visible. He wore a simple white t-shirt and blue dungarees, and sniggered at intervals. It was hard to believe that this was Porky, a.k.a. Pokey Minch, a.k.a. the governor of Smashville and Eagleland. Yet he was a genius at creating robots, and his self-centred warped mind qualified him perfectly for a position in the LOVE.

On his left sat… Well, "perched" would be a better word, but either way a large purple pterodactyl-dragon hybrid occupied the adjacent seat. This was Ridley, former leader of a bunch of intergalactic thieves known as Space Pirates, who had until recently been kept in check by the bounty hunter Samus Aran. Ridley had taken great pleasure in disappearing Samus personally, before disbanding/annihilating the Space Pirates and settling on the shimmering monolith that was Icicle Mountain.

The final being at the table was a bipedal grey wolf, wearing body armour and a cybernetic eye patch. He puffed on a cigarette and lazily tapped the ashes onto the table. His name was Wolf O'Donnell, and previously he had been another bounty hunter under the employ of a mad scientist from the Lylat System. Fox McCloud, the system's hero, had eradicated said scientist, so Wolf had retired to Nintendo. He was currently in charge of Port Town, and Fox was currently in captivity.

Ganondorf and Bowser finished their long walk across the hall and sat at the table, Ganondorf on Dedede's right and Bowser on Wolf's left. The round table was designed to make all of the people sitting around it feel equal, and it might have worked somewhat better had the two chairs just occupied not been twice the size of all the others.

"My friends," said Ganondorf, smiling genially as he took his place. "I am delighted to see that you could all come today."

"Jeez, Ganondorf, why do we have to hold the meeting in here?" said Porky, with an obnoxious chuckle that made Ridley clasp his head and moan. "It's like cold and draughty, and it's far too big."

"I have told you before, Master Minch, that Rayquaza simply cannot fit in any of the other rooms," said Ganondorf slowly, pointing upwards at the seventh LOVE bigwig, a massive green serpentine creature entwined around the chandeliers. "And the magic barrier around the castle should keep out any draughts."

He coughed, put his newspaper under his chair, and stood up.

"Well, as I have said, I'm very happy to learn that you could all make it," he said, skimming over the issue of what would have happened to anyone unable to make it. "Sadly we are lacking one member who was here at the previous meeting, but we all know why that is."

"Backstabbing bastard," grumbled Bowser.

"Now, usually this is the point at which I would bore you all senseless with details of the economy and the armed forces, blah blah blah," said Ganondorf, smiling indulgently. "But today, King Bowser Koopa is going to be giving the opening address with a speech that he has lovingly prepared."

Bowser sat gobsmacked for a moment, before realising that everyone was looking at him. Ganondorf had sat down and was still smiling. Coughing awkwardly and rising to his feet, the Koopa opened his briefcase and rifled through the papers for page one. Eventually finding it crumpled and torn, he began to speak.

"Er, well, th-thank you, Ganondorf. Er, well, let's see now. I'm not usually very good at, er, making speeches, but I can safely say – or at least I think I can – that over the last year… sorry, six months, er…"

o o o

Peach was a conflicted human being as she ran up the stairs behind Captain Falcon and Sonic, passing several guards that were either unconscious or dead.

On one hand, she was Mario's, now and forever, amen. She had always promised herself this. One day, she and Mario would marry(-o) and rule the kingdom together and have lots of little babies and be blissfully happy. And that wasn't going to change, especially not for a man who spent half his time drooling over other princesses or vehicles and who played with fast cars for a living. Please.

And yet… The problem was that she had not got to know many humans on a personal basis. As previously stated, they are not common in the Mushroom Kingdom. Apart from her family (now all deceased), the only men she had known properly (i.e. not including state visits etc.) were Mario, Wario and their brothers. Wario and Waluigi were evil and ugly, and Luigi was a droopy wet fish and had no eyes for her anyway. That left Mario as the most eligible man in her life.

Until four days ago, when a man had taken up residence in her bedroom. One had to admit that Mario, with his bulging waistline, untidy moustache and four-foot-ten height, was an eyesore compared to the tall and muscular Snake (whose facial hair was immaculately clipped, even after six months on Yoshi's Island). He had spent four nights in her room before sneaking on board the Halberd, and they had whiled away the time by talking about their lives before that year until the early hours, leaving Peach exhausted but happy the next morning. She had even asked for extra food that she would feed to him as he lay under the bed, making her feel like a cheeky infant breaking the rules.

And just when Snake had gone, and she had made up her mind never to see him again in order to protect the love she still bore Mario, along came another gorgeous specimen of manhood. Yes, he had his faults (the "trio" comment still made her shudder), but he also had muscles of steel and really cute auburn hair. Besides, he could be gentlemanly when he wanted to – at the bottom of the secret slide, for example.

It was thoughts such as these that filled her mind as they climbed the castle's floors, meeting with no resistance. She mechanically followed Sonic and the Captain upstairs, completely ignorant of her surroundings, until she felt the Captain's arm barring her way.

"Nintendo to Peach, do you read me, over?" he whispered, observing her vacant expression.

Peach snapped out of her reverie and pulled his arm down angrily. "What's going on? Where are we?"

"Near the top of the castle," said Sonic quietly. "There's somebody up on the next floor, and we don't know who."

"All right, Princess," came a throaty voice from up the stairs, "you just wait a moment and we'll be done."

"Oh my Hands!" said Captain Falcon. "Somebody's trying to do Princess Zelda! I have to save her!"

"Captain, wait!" cried Sonic, but it was too late. The Captain had rushed up the stairs and, with a cry of "Falcon Kick!", flew down the halfway in flames. The "somebody" was knocked into the wall and found himself staring into the Captain's visor.

"You lay a finger on that woman and you'll regret it," spat the Captain into his captive's face. "Just who do you think you are?"

"Snake!" yelled Peach, happily.

"Snake?" asked the Captain.

"SNAAAAAKE!" screamed Sonic, rushing down the hall and giving the burly man a big hug.

"Careful," said Snake softly. "I've got enough explosives strapped to me to blow up northern Eagleland."

Sonic let go of him quickly, and took a moment to give the object of his search a once-over as the man got up.

The man was indubitably handsome, but the rather long hair and face fur put Sonic in mind of a well-dressed hobo. Two eyes as steely as the Captain's poked out from under a bandana. The rest of his body was clad in tight grey combat gear, around which several utility belts bore grey boxes that Sonic assumed were the aforementioned explosives.

"I'm so glad to see you're well," said Peach, rushing down the hallway to meet him.

"Good to see you escaped," said Snake, before turning to the Captain. "I'm not laying my fingers on any woman. In fact, before you came along I'd managed to break her out."

Zelda stepped out of her room.

"Hello," she said softly, waving.

A first glance at her would have registered a rather plain woman with sharp features. However, once one got past the pointy nose and ears, it was possible to see that Zelda was indeed quite beautiful, with blue feline eyes and flowing brown hair. She wore a purple and white dress, stretched over her long legs and shapely bosom. Golden shoulder pads and long white gloves adorned her arms, while her hairline and chest were decorated by fine jewellery.

"Wow," said Captain Falcon under his breath.

"Princess Peach," said Zelda, stepping serenely forward and offering a hand. "It is a long time since we last saw each other. Dark have been the times of late."

"Good to see you too," said Peach, taking the hand and squeezing it maybe a tad too firmly as she shook it. "Snake helped to break me out as well. This is Sonic, a hero from another planet, and this…"

"Enchanté, madame," said the Captain, rushing forward and kissing Zelda's hand. "I'm Captain Falcon, the renowned racing driver. We met once on a state visit? Oh, and sorry for the whole mix-up with Snake."

"It is him you should be apologising to," replied Zelda coldly, withdrawing her hand. "He was the one who took out the magical field for you. Without his help, you wouldn't be here."

"We could have gone through the sewers. But, sorry, I guess," the Captain grumbled.

"It's okay," said Snake, fiddling with a box of machinery. "Could you all be quiet, please? I'm trying to do something important."

"I can't believe you're here," said Sonic, bouncing around Snake like an agitated rabbit, "I've come a very long way to find you, and here you are! And you're okay!"

Snake looked at him with a confused expression. "Do I know you?"

Sonic stopped his bouncing. For the first time, it occurred to him that although his existence ever since the "Enter Nintendo" project had been dreamed up revolved around this man, Snake probably did not have a clue who he was. Whereas Sonic knew Snake as the invincible one-man army, a hero elevated almost to god status by IPAF, Snake had no reason to know who Sonic was at all.

"I'm Sonic the Hedgehog," he said, quietly. "I was sent here to find out what had happened to you and the planet."

"Oh yeah," said Snake over his shoulder, preoccupied as he was with the box. "I've heard about you. From Melbis, aren't you?"

"Mobius."

"That's why I meant. Can't you fly or something?"

"That's my friend Tails. He can fly using his tails. I run really fast."

"I knew it was something like that."

There was an awkward pause. Sonic was completely debounced by Snake's almost total ignorance of him. Captain Falcon was looking from Peach to Zelda and back again, unable to believe his luck. Peach was glaring at Zelda, who was looking with genuine interest at Snake, who was busy with his box.

"So, Snake," said Peach with false light-heartedness, "what's in the box?"

"It's receiving from a microphone which I've planted in the great hall, where the LOVE meeting should be taking place right about now. As soon as I get the right frequency, we'll pick up what… Here we go. Quiet, everybody."

"…Another thing I'll never forget is when I was trying to take over Princess Peach's castle, and Mario rushed in with Luigi tied to a washing line! How we laughed! Of course, there was the obligatory pre-battle smack talk, after which I took on both the Mario brothers at once…"

A loud snore interrupted Bowser mid-flow.

"Thank you for that brilliant address, Bowser," said Ganondorf yawning. "Now, I'm afraid we must turn to WAKE UP, ALL OF YOU!"

There was the sound of many villains waking up simultaneously.

"Sorry 'bout that," said the Deep South drawl that was Wolf's voice. "Aw, damn – my smoke's gone out."

"Did we miss anything?" asked the nasal tones of Ridley.

"I don't know," said Bowser, dumbfounded. "Where did you hear up to?"

"Sit down, Bowser," said Ganondorf. "Onto the first item on today's agenda – rebellious nations. As we all know, the continent of Archanea is still suffering from continuous uprisings, caused by the Greil Mercenaries. And now, on top of that, it turns out that Yoshi's Island is sufficiently well off militarily to resist an attack from the entire Mushroom Kingdom army. These problems must be dealt with. Rebellious nations are like cancer: if left untreated, they spread throughout the world, infecting everything they touch!"

"And you start getting lumps in odd places?" suggested Bowser.

"They're not _that_ much like cancer. Now, I am going to apply for permission to use Galleom in the attack on Archanea. Everybody vote, please."

There was a silence, presumably while the villains raised their hands/claws/ wings.

"Seven ayes. Thank you. As for Yoshi's Island, might I suggest an assault fronted by the Halberd?"

"That may be necessary," growled Bowser. "I apply for use of the Halberd to front an assault on Yoshi's Island."

Another silence.

"Come on, people!" wheedled Ganondorf. "Let's see some hands!"

There was the sound of reluctant shuffling.

"Six ayes," said Ganondorf. "Bowser, you are allowed to acquire the Halberd for an assault on Yoshi's Island whenever you like."

"As long as it's after Friday," said King Dedede. "I'm using it to go and see my mother over on Icicle Mountain, and then I need to have it serviced."

"Fine," sighed Ganondorf. "Now, onto the next topic: a little group of people who have been running around, defying our troops and causing us just a tiny bit of trouble."

There were mutters of discontent from the other members. Near the top of the castle, Sonic and Captain Falcon shared a smirk.

"If rebellious nations are like cancer, this lot are like dysentery," grumbled King Dedede.

"How so?" asked Ganondorf, sounding nonplussed.

"I don't know," said the King. "It was the first nasty disease I thought of. Er, but I guess you could say that they run through the world quickly, spilling a lot of blood?"

"More like they're making you guys shit your pants," sniggered Porky.

"Us guys?" said Bowser, his fists clenched. "Have you forgotten what you have hidden in your territory?"

"Yeah, 'cause I'm like _so_ worried about them breaking that."

("What does he have hidden in his territory?" asked Sonic.

"Tell you later," replied Snake.)

"Gentlemen, please," said Ganondorf calmly. "Let us examine the facts. The troop as we know it consists of Captain Falcon, two deserters from our own ranks, a Yoshi, an angel called Pit and a creature called Sonic, who seems to be a very fast runner from another planet."

("He knows more about me than Snake does," thought Sonic, bitterly.)

"And possibly my princess," grumbled Bowser.

"Possibly. And up until now, they have been causing untold havoc. I hear that rumours are spreading, exaggerating their power and painting them as our destroyers. Something must be done."

"But what?" asked Ridley in anguished tones. "They seem to be moving too quickly for a full-scale assault."

"That brings me onto the third point," said Ganondorf, merrily. "It's the one Bowser and I are most excited about. Isn't that right, Bowser?"

"Shall we show them?" said Bowser, his voice taking on a malicious edge.

"Gentlemen," declared Ganondorf to the room, "this may well be the solution to all our problems. A way to bolster our attacks on rebellious nations. A way to take out those worms that try to stand up to us. King Dedede, throw away your Waddle Dees, your Paint Rollers and your Krackos; Ridley, disband your Space Pirates; Porky, your robots will no longer be necessary, for soon you will have an army of heroes at your disposal."

"Hey, my robots are cool," said Porky.

"And I disbanded the Space Pirates months ago," Ridley chimed in.

"Thank you for interrupting mid-speech," said Ganondorf in a lower voice, before continuing: "I present to you, the result of a year of hard work: the first fruits of our great endeavour, Project Z!"

There were "ooh"s and "aah"s from the villains, and "Sweet lord!" from Wolf.

"Wish I could see what was going on down there," said Snake balefully.

o o o

While (roughly) half of the LOL had crept through the castle with a clear direction (towards the top), the other half had possessed no inkling of where exactly they would find the Halberd. Fortunately, the route was not hard to find – Snake's route had been down from the Halberd to the entry hall, into the main hall to plant the bug, and then up to the Princess' chamber, and he had left a clear trail of dead and unconscious guards every step of the way. There had been the occasional Moblin who regained consciousness as the troupe had passed, but Meta Knight's sword had put paid to them before they could raise the alarm.

Finally, they had followed the path of destruction to a green and leafy terrace, where a large object took centre stage.

"…and so," finished Pit, "Mewtwo could still have babies despite having no sexual organs. It just needs to call up the falcons that bring…"

"At last," interrupted Meta Knight gratefully. "Behold!"

Pit and Yoshi nodded their heads in admiration at the warship before them. It was a massive creation, all wings and cannons and jets, with a giant version of Meta Knight's mask on the front. Wario toddled up behind, his arms full of jewellery taken from the fallen forms of guards.

"Wow," he said. "What a ship."

"Indeed," said Meta Knight. "And this is the day I reclaim it for my own."

His cape in wing form again he glided towards the door, the others trying to keep pace behind him. With only a few metres to go before he reached the ship, the gangplank fell.

"Kill them all! Wahaha!"

"I know that voice," said Wario grimly.

"As do I," said Meta Knight.

A squadron of Waddle Dees emerged from the ship, crashing forward with their one-eyed friends the Waddle Doos. Behind them, a squadron of Goombas, Koopa Troopers and winged Koopas, Paratroopas, surged forward, pushing Meta Knight backwards. In the darkness of the door, a tall, thin man in purple hat and tunic and black dungarees peered out. He twirled his thin mustachios beneath his large red nose with one hand, and bore a tennis racket in the other.

"Hey, he looks like a thin version of you!" said Pit to Wario, notching his bow.

"Unfortunately, he's related to me," said Wario, before charging fist-first into the fray.

"Wario, my brother!" cried Waluigi, hacking through his own troops with his racket to get to the fat man. "They say you betrayed us, and yet you come back to give your old bro a hug!"

"Sure I do!" yelled Wario, throwing his body into the ranks and bowling the footsoldiers aside. "Come and let me embrace your stick-thin, snappable body."

Pit's arrows and Yoshi's eggs flew into the army, while Meta Knight and Wario repulsed the first wave. The Waddle Doos, smarter than the average charging grunt, fired laser beams from their eyes, and some even threw spiked balls at their foes. Pit had his Mirror Shield to deflect the projectiles, but Yoshi was forced to dodge awkwardly.

"It's my lucky day," said Waluigi, grabbing a Waddle Dee and serving it overarm. "Anybody who kills off a member of your group gets promoted to LOVE High Council!"

"How cute," said Wario, punching the Waddle Dee out of the way. "You can carve that title on your headstone!"

Meta Knight swept over the heads of the onrushing crowd in an attempt to reach his ship, but a spiky ball hit him on the mask and sent him flying.

"Meta Knight's in trouble!" cried Pit, detaching the halves of his bow and rushing forwards.

Yoshi made some squeaks that Meta Knight might have translated as "State the bleeding obvious, why don't you?" (but probably not since Meta Knight was more polite than that) and rushed headfirst after Pit. His head collided with a Koopa shell and stunned him slightly, but he pressed onwards.

Wario and Waluigi met in the centre of the mêlée, having cleared out a small space around them. Wario was on the back foot, as he was under attack from the troops around him as well as his brother, and Waluigi was the nimbler of the two. He jumped around and hacked away with his racket. Wario ducked and rolled and wished he had bought some more garlic. The combination of a Goomba charging at his legs and a drop shot to the face bowled him over onto his bottom.

"Who knows?" taunted Waluigi, as Wario's head was toasted by a Waddle Doo's laser. "When I kill you, they might even put me in charge of Wario Ware Inc. Only I'll change the name to Waluigi Ware Inc. Not bad, eh?"

Wario snapped. Grabbing two Paratroopas and banging their skulls together, he hurled them at Waluigi and charged, with almost visible steam emerging from his ears.

"TAKE YOUR STINKING GLOVES OFF OF MY COMPANEEE!"

o o o

"Any questions, gentlemen?" asked Ganondorf.

"Is that the only one?" said King Dedede.

"Already, Bowser and I are making use of others, and as the project progresses they will be available in all of your favourite flavours."

"Like, what are we going to use them for?" queried Porky.

"To attack our foes. Simple."

"When can we start using them?" asked Ridley.

"Soon. Very, very soon."

There was the sound of a large intake of breath that seemed to suck the air out of the microphone. Then there came the sound of a deep, booming voice.

"Small black object up here. Attached to lights."

"Shit," said Snake.

o o o

"What," said Ganondorf slowly.

"Small black thing. Padded texture. Might be a microphone."

"Why did you wait until now to say so?" shouted Ganondorf, as Rayquaza dropped the object onto the table.

"Only just saw it," thundered the dragon. "Until now, had eyes closed. Talk dead boring."

Ridley examined the object.

"It's a bug," he confirmed, placing one long claw through the device.

Bowser stood up. "Someone has invaded this castle, and I have a fair idea about who. Dedede, I want you to take some of the castle guards up to the top of the castle and check Princess Zelda's room. Porky, take another lot to where the Halberd's parked. Ridley, get out and check the magic shield."

A Moblin rushed into the hall. "Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but the magic shield has been down for the last hour!"

A Waddle Dee came in through another door, and spoke in a small and tremulous tone (an impressive feat for a creature without a mouth): "King Dedede, our foes are attacking the Halberd, and they've almost overpowered the troops we left on board! And all the castle guards I saw on my way down are dead!"

Bowser swore.

"It's been down for an hour and you only just thought to tell us?" yelled Ridley at the Moblin, clutching his temples.

"We didn't wanna disturb y'all! We were on guard duty in front. Only one guy got in, and he came back out again! Tall man, big cloak…"

"Ridley, Rayquaza, you stay with me," yelled Bowser. "Wolf, get your Arwing. You two, get to your posts! You feeling all right, Ganondorf?"

Ganondorf was sitting bolt upright in his chair, saying nothing but gripping the arms tightly and shaking ever so gently.

"Snake…"


	11. Part 11

"What do we do now?" shrieked Peach.

"We remain calm," said Zelda, softly. "Snake will find a way out."

"It's good to know you have so much faith in me," said Snake, hurling the speaker box out of a window, "but my escape plan rather revolved around us remaining undetected."

"Then we must look to the Goddesses of Hyrule for help," said Zelda, clasping her hands and looking skywards.

"Assuming Meta Knight and his group have found the Halberd by now, we should have a ship to escape in," Sonic pointed out.

"There. You see?" said Zelda. "The Goddesses have sent us aid already."

"Well, it was more the rest of our group giving us aid…"

"That's all very well," said Snake, planting a small object on the ground, "but first you're going to have to get past the group of people coming up the stairs to stop you."

Everyone stopped briefly to listen. There was indeed the sound of many footsteps rushing up the stairs.

"We'll have to take them down ourselves," said the Captain, cracking his knuckles. "Stay back, ladies. This could get dangerous."

"I'm perfectly capable of fighting them myself," said Peach indignantly.

"Everybody get in front of me!" shouted Snake.

They obeyed mutely. At the same time, the enormous form of King Dedede appeared at the top of the stairs, surrounded by Waddle Dees/Doos and flanked by two armoured guards who had just woken up.

"Aha!" said the penguin. "You two are the good-for-nothings who broke Kracko! And you… No… You can't be…"

"Oh, can't I?" said Snake. "Now."

He pressed a button on a detonator hidden behind his back. The C4 he had planted on the floor blew a hole in the floor behind the row of heroes and princesses.

"Everybody, jump into the hole," Snake barked, grinning at King Dedede.

"But what about you?" asked Zelda.

"I'll be fine. The Hylian Goddesses will protect me. Get moving."

"Bless you, Snake," said Zelda with a smile, jumping down the hole.

"How about a blessing for me?" asked Captain Falcon, as he, Sonic and Peach followed her down.

The King looked stunned. "Ganondorf said you could… I thought he was joking…"

Snake produced a massive heavy-duty rocket launcher from nowhere.

"It's showtime."

o o o

They ran.

At first, they all ran together, but Sonic outpaced Captain Falcon who outpaced Peach who outpaced Zelda, and it ended up with Zelda at the back being set upon by two armoured guards. The others ran to help her, but the guards had been burnt to ashes by the time they got there.

"Din's Fyre," said Zelda, smiling. "A gift from the Hylian Goddess of power. It consumes all those with…"

"Yes, yes, very nice," said Captain Falcon, "but unless you have a gift from the goddesses that can get us to the courtyard…"

"Of course!" said Zelda, slapping her forehead. "How stupid of me. Farore's Winde!"

There was a flash of green light, and Zelda disappeared.

"Well, that was helpful," said Captain Falcon, hoisting up Peach in a fireman's lift. "Maybe the rest of us non-magic users will travel a bit quicker now."

"Be gentle, Captain," said Peach with a smile.

o o o

"You took your time getting here," said Meta Knight, as Captain Falcon carefully placed Peach on her feet in the bridge of the Halberd. "We had to deal with two whole squadrons of foes. If Zelda hadn't turned up halfway through the second one and set them all on fire, I don't know what we would have done."

"If Zelda hadn't left us all in the lurch, we might have got here a bit quicker," retorted Peach.

"Oh rats," said Zelda, clicking her fingers. "I knew there was something I'd forgotten. I meant to come back and get you, but I got distracted by…"

"ENOUGH TALK FLY NOW!" shouted Sonic.

Meta Knight slid his blade into the conveniently placed slot in the Halberd's control panel. The ship's systems roared into life.

"Dedede has hacked the systems pretty badly to get this machine to fly," he said, "but he wouldn't have been able to access half of the controls without the sword. Fool."

"Erm, guys," said Pit, "what are we going to do about Waluigi? He's still stuck halfway up that tree."

"He can sit on a leaf and wait until autumn," cackled Wario, sorting out his pilfered treasure from the castle.

The ship lifted off the ground as gently as a waiter lifting a tray (a good waiter, not a student on a summer job with shaky hands). It accelerated almost imperceptibly and pulled out of the courtyard.

"Beautiful control," said Captain Falcon. "I can see why you missed this baby."

"King Dedede wouldn't have been able to get anything like this with his hacking," said Meta Knight happily.

"There's a Snake stuck to your windscreen!" said Peach.

Meta Knight looked up. Snake was making faces at him.

"You have a lot of explaining to do!" he shouted, despite knowing that Snake could not hear him through the glass. "Why didn't you tell me when you left Yoshi's Island?"

Yoshi gave him a wave. Snake waved back. The Halberd pulled out of the area that the magic field would have covered with no problems.

"Perhaps someone should go up to the top deck and let him in," suggested Zelda.

"I'll do it!" shouted Peach, running from the bridge before realising that she did not know her way around the ship and returning shamefacedly. "Er, how do I…"

The ship gave a sudden lurch forward, knocking its crew to the floor.

"What was that?" asked Sonic.

"Falcon, get to the right side of the control deck!" ordered Meta Knight, clambering back into a driving position. "Yoshi, get to the left! The screens marked 'Rear View.' You are my eyes. What do you see?"

What they saw was a small fighter jet, little bigger than the Blue Falcon, flanked by Ridley and Rayquaza. Both of the "eyes" recognised the ship as a version of the Arwing, a vehicle designed by Fox McCloud for his team, Starfox, and pilfered by Wolf O'Donnell for his team, imaginatively named Starwolf. Before they could report back, Wolf's face, slightly obscured by cigarette smoke, appeared on the communication screen.

"Playtime's over, Meta Knight," he sneered.

"You…" growled the Captain, almost under his breath.

"Smart Bombs were banned years ago, you scoundrel!" cried Meta Knight.

"Yeah? Well, looks like they just got unbanned, doesn't it?" His face vanished again.

"Incoming attack from the rear!" cried Captain Falcon. "I got a smart bomb from six o'clock and a blast of dragon breath from five!"

Yoshi made squeaks to the effect that Ridley was spitting a series of fireballs from seven.

"Brace yourselves for impact!" shouted Meta Knight.

"What about Snake?" asked Zelda, crouching low.

"Oh yes." Meta Knight looked up and saw the man frantically trying to grasp at something, yet only reaching smooth glass.

"Hey, Snake! Hang on!" shouted Pit unhelpfully.

The impact was immense. The entire ship juddered madly, and even those who had positioned themselves close to the floor were thrown like rag dolls. Snake had no chance. Long before the shaking stopped, he was tossed from the windscreen towards the planet below.

"SNAKE!" cried Peach, Zelda and Sonic in unison.

"He's survived one fall to the ground," said Meta Knight with more confidence than he felt. "I'm sure he can survive another."

"Yes, but now we'll never know what Porky's got hidden in his territory," said Sonic. "Not to mention that he'll be in no condition to take down the barrier."

"I hope he's okay," said Peach quietly. Zelda nodded.

"Why does he get all the attention?" muttered the Captain.

Wolf's face appeared on the screen again. "The back of your ship's on fire. Do you give up yet?"

"The League of Legends will never give up!" yelled Pit. "Especially not with LOVE's number 1 scourge on their side!"

"Please, don't remind me," moaned Wario. "It's just too painful."

Wolf laughed. "As you wish, fools. I will be the one to take you down."

"Wait a minute, Wolf," said Meta Knight. "You forgot something."

A shadow passed across Wolf's face. "What?"

Meta Knight pressed the button marked "Shell" on the panel labelled "Combo Cannon".

"This."

Having fought under the aforementioned mad scientist for many years, and as a stand-alone bounty hunter for even longer, one might have thought that Wolf's battle-hardened attitude was genuine. Nonetheless, when the Halberd's Combo Cannon blasted several explosive shells in the Arwing's direction, he screamed like a girl, sent his Arwing into a quick dive and fled the scene.

"Come back, you coward!" yelled Ridley, just before a large shell hit him foursquare in the face and sent him plummeting to earth.

Rayquaza, despite its enormous size, was quick enough to avoid the slow-moving explosives, and retaliated with several powerful balls of energy from its mouth that shook the Halberd. Scrambling back into his seat once more, Meta Knight gripped the joystick labelled "Arm".

"If we can't keep one snake, we'll just have to grab another," he said, and gave it a yank.

As one might have guessed, a large mechanical arm emerged from the cannon and grabbed Rayquaza firmly in its hand. The dragon struggled and thrashed about, but the grip was strong. It only managed to escape the grip when the Combo Cannon's second weapon, a massive laser, blasted it with a thick beam of concentrated death.

"Victory is my destiny," said Meta Knight, as Rayquaza drifted earthwards and the Halberd's crew celebrated. "Now, we make our way somewhere where we can plan our next move."

"Can't let you do that, Meta Knight," said Wolf through the screen.

Meta Knight flung himself over to "Rear View Right", and saw Wolf's Arwing, with Wolf standing on it. Not particularly problematic on its own, but it happened to be resting on a massive four-winged craft, almost as big as the Halberd.

"The Great Fox!" he shouted. "How did Wolf get hold of that?"

"I presume it was captured along with Fox during the Purges," said the Captain, his fists clenched and glowing slightly.

"But how are the LOVE controlling it? I've been on board once, and it was like being put in front of a university maths book as a toddler. Only members of the Starfox team know how to fly it!"

"Don't you love Project Z?" said Wolf through the monitor. "Fire at will, Fox!"

The laser cannon on the front of the ship fired a volley of pain directly into the back of the Halberd, sending its crew not crashing to the ground but flying through the air. Wolf's crackly laugh sounded through the monitor, his face streaked by lines of interference.

"Weaklings, the bunch of you! Oh damn, I've dropped my cigarette."

"We've lost a lot of the shielding!" said Meta Knight. "One more volley like that and we're done for!"

"We must pray for a miracle!" said Zelda, lifting her eyes skywards. "Powerfulle Din, wyse Nayru, courageouse Farore…"

"Will you shut up?" cried Wario, trying to gather up the treasures. Zelda gave him a glare and continued to pray.

"Prayers won't save you now!" shouted Wolf in triumph. "Fox, f- Aah!"

He screamed like a girl again as laser fire peppered the ship.

"Never doubt the Hylian Goddesses," said Zelda smugly.

Another face appeared on the communication monitor. This time, it belonged to a blue bird of prey with a small microphone in front of his beak.

"This is Falco Lombardi… Hey, Meta Knight! They said you were dead!"

"Obviously not. What are you doing here?"

"We've been tracking the Great Fox for weeks, trying to find it and our leader."

"We? You mean…"

"Yup. Team Starfox is ready for business."

Four Arwings with the Team Starfox blue and white colour scheme were visible in the windscreen.

"Any enemy of the LOVE is a friend of ours," said Falco, as his ship zoomed past. "We'll distract them while you fly away. Looks like you've taken quite a battering. Is the G-Diffuser okay?"

"I think so, but it's too dangerous…"

"Don't try me, Meta Knight. I'm the commander of this squadron now. I decide what's too dangerous. Now, hands off my prey, and run!"

"Thank you, Falco," said Meta Knight.

He flew the Halberd away from the confrontation, as the lasers flew thick and fast behind them and the communication monitor flashed back and forth.

"No! I can't lose!"

"You aren't worth the trouble, Wolf!"

o o o

In the great hall of Hyrule Castle, Ridley was pressing an ice pack to his forehead when Rayquaza flew in, looking slightly charred around the edges.

"Oh, great," said Bowser. "That's just great. What happened to Wolf and the Great Fox?"

"Saw Wolf on Great Fox," boomed Rayquaza. "Fox fire lasers at them. Then they get distracted by little ships."

"I told you I wanted that ship unharmed!" yelled Bowser. "How are Dedede and I meant to get back home now?"

"How we supposed to get it back unharmed when they blast us with large cannon?"

"You know, I could never get that cannon to work," said Dedede. "Wonder how they did it."

Rayquaza took up his post on the chandeliers again.

"So, let's run through the damage done," said Bowser. "We've completely lost the Halberd and its crew, and King Dedede and Porky managed to lose one squadron each, not to mention the squadron guarding the ship. Ridley has shrapnel embedded in his head and a broken wing. Rayquaza looks like it has been frazzled, and Ganondorf…"

"I'm fine," said Ganondorf, getting out of his chair and smiling broadly. "I am going to prepare for the upcoming assault on Archanea. Porky, if you could get Galleom over here as quickly as possible, and the rest of you get back to your countries. Bowser, if you could take control of Diamond City that would be super. See you all soon!"

That was the cue for the LOVE to hurry out of the great hall, Bowser slamming the door behind him. Only King Dedede and Ganondorf remained.

"Well, Dedede?" said Ganondorf. "Don't you have a Dreamland to rule?"

King Dedede drew close to Ganondorf.

"I saw Snake," he said quietly. "He's alive."

Ganondorf said nothing, but avoided Dedede's eyes. The penguin continued.

"He can blow things up just like you said. You know…"

"Yes," said Ganondorf firmly. "I know."

o o o

Five and a half months ago, in Hyrule Castle Town…

The man stood alone in the crowded street, peering up at the building that loomed large and ominous in his field of vision. The stained-glass windows peered back down at him. Their cold glass eyes looked almost panicked, afraid, as if telling him to go far away and leave the evil that resided within. The man could not do this. It was not in his job description.

He walked through the main square, feeling every inch an outsider. The Hylians stared at the floor and avoided his eyes. His large black boots sounded on the cobbles, cutting through the silence that replaced the shouting and pushing that would have been audible in most other busy towns. Slowly leaving the subdued metropolis behind, he approached the castle with trepidation.

Two heavily armoured guards met him at the main gate, lowering their large swords into an obstructing cross as he walked towards them. Astonished for a moment, he felt in his pocket for the small piece of card he had been given and presented it to them. One of the guards removed its helmet, revealing a jackal-like head underneath, and squinted at the card. Then it replaced the helm and nodded slowly to its partner, and they sheathed their swords. The man looked from one guard to the other in the hope of some other response, but none was forthcoming. The guards stared straight ahead as if he no longer existed.

It was left to him to push open the enormous doors that separated him from the castle courtyard. Behind them, a garden with small trees, some tasteful flowerbeds and a pond bearing fish and amphibians greeted his eyes. The greenery was decked out in its autumn hues. It would have seemed almost welcoming were it not for the immense edifice casting its shadow over the grass and the man standing at the castle entrance. The green skin, red hair and yellow gem were the distinguishing features by which the new arrival to the castle recognised his host, who was even more intimidating in person than the IPAF computer programmes had made him out to be.

"Ganondorf Dragmire, I presume," said the other, coming forwards.

"Welcome to Hyrule Castle," said Ganondorf, spreading his arms. "I'm very glad that you could make it. You must be Solid Snake."

o o o

"She won't stay in the air," shouted Meta Knight, flitting to and fro over the control panels in a bid to prolong the Halberd's aviation. "We're going to have to crash-land!"

"Perhaps the Goddesses will…"

"Zelda," said Sonic, trying his best to remain calm, "I know you are trying to help, but will you please shut up about the goddesses?"

"May they forgive you for that," said Zelda coldly.

"No no no no no!" cried Meta Knight. "Not now! Not after having reclaimed it after so long!"

"Is there nothing we can do?" shouted Captain Falcon, as the Halberd entered a dive.

"You can prepare yourself for impact!"

The Captain had not always been champion of the F-Zero circuit. As with all great men, he had started at the bottom of the ladder, and had climbed it metaphorical rung after gruelling metaphorical rung. And if there was one thing that one learnt from years of F-Zero training, it was how to survive crashes.

"Listen to me!" he shouted to the panicking crew. "We are all going to the rear end of the Halberd, where we're going to find a small, stable room. If we all stay in that room, odds are we'll survive!"

"There are two storage cupboards at the back," said Meta Knight, still attempting to keep the Halberd as horizontal as possible.

"Then that's where we're headed! Wario, drop the treasure and get a move on!"

"Shotgun not in the same cupboard as Wario!" yelled Peach.

"Yoshi yoshi!" shouted Yoshi, holding his nose.

"I wouldn't worry," said Sonic. "Wario will probably need one cupboard to himself anyway."

"I really hate you guys."

Meta Knight alone remained, looking forlornly at the altitude meter. 2000 metres… 1950 metres… 1900 metres… At last, he had the ship that had been stolen from him for nine months, and now he was going to lose it on the same day. To think that it was (partly) this craft that had caused him to leave the LOVE, and so subjected him to nine months of running from their vengeance… To think of all that hard work, reduced to a few chunks of molten metal and a massive explosion, was more than the knight could bear. He almost made up his mind to remain in the cockpit and, as befits the captain, go down with the vessel.

But no. He thought of his home in Dreamland, where even now his band of followers, unimaginatively titled the Meta-Knights, awaited his return. He thought of King Dedede, oppressing the Dreamlanders to feed his greedy, self-centred existence. He thought of Kirby, Dreamland's hero… Then he quickly stopped thinking about Kirby.

Most of all, he thought that his love for his ship was nearing that of Captain Falcon.

"Good-bye, old friend," he said, giving the control stick a final yank upwards. "You have served me well. Who knows? Maybe one day, I shall fly you again."

He gave the panel an affectionate stroke, before unfolding his cape into wings and flying off to join the others.

"Pit, just while we're in this cupboard, please can you turn your music down?"

o o o

The sun dipped into the bank of cloud covering the horizon. It glowed a gentle scarlet over the barren plains of Archanea, illuminating the bloodstained battlefields that now made up most of the continent. Once a dominant (although somewhat archaic) force in world politics and a fertile agricultural paradise, since falling under Ganondorf's control it had become a battle-torn wasteland due to the reluctance of the populace to bow to the LOVE's rule.

It was against this backdrop that the Halberd descended earthwards, its fall almost graceful, like that of a dying swan. The replica of Meta Knight's mask slowly turned to face the ground, as if to look upon its destroyer before death.

The impact seemed to occur in slow motion. As the ship's "face" collided with the ground, its "neck" first buckled, then snapped, leaving the body facing the earth and still descending. When it hit the soil it remained stationary for a moment, and it seemed as if the body would balance on its neck. Then it slowly inclined to the right and gently descended once more, breaking both wings before it finally came to rest with an impact that shook the fuel cells more than they could handle. The ship was engulfed in a massive ball of flame, in an explosion that could be heard several miles away.

…

Well, maybe not. If the LOL had died here in a blazing inferno, there would be little more of the story to read, and the ending would be rather depressing. No one wants to hear about how the dictators continued to rule over Nintendo, living long and happy lives while oppressing the inhabitants of their territories. People just do not sympathise with cruel and authoritarian rulers.

So it is a good thing that, just before the events described in the third paragraph of this section had a chance to occur, a lone female figure clambered up to the back of the ship against a gradient that was almost vertical and shouted out into the rushing wind, "Nayru's Love!"

o o o

_It was done! That which all of my kind had declared impossible, solely through their arrogance and supposed omnipotence, was done! By re-routing the flows of time and energy around myself in manners previously unimagined, I had managed to transfer myself into another verse (do you see now why I scrapped the "uni-" prefix earlier?), or parallel dimension, or whatever you want to call it. I could feel the subtle differences in the space around me. I was unable to recognise any of the objects suspended in celestial motion. It was truly different._

_And I had accomplished it. At such a young age (you might call me an adolescent, although how long I had actually existed for was a quandary given the way that I and all my kind distorted time for our own means), I had proved that, in fact, we were not "The Forbidden". The name had been made up by the one who claimed to have discovered it in order to cause grief, or the people of that planet had merely been stupid; either way, I had shown that nothing was forbidden from us. We could do anything!_

_The stars in the new verse twinkled as I rested, bathing in the glory of my achievement. The space seemed purple, which told me that I was near or on some planet and in its atmosphere. Yet it was a much more vivid purple than one might expect simply from the refraction of light, and so far from being an absence of energy I seemed to draw energy from it. New laws of science, perhaps? I entertained thoughts of the discoveries I might be able to make about my surroundings._

_Looking down below me (I say "looking", but I have nothing that might resemble eyes – I merely directed my observation elsewhere) I "saw" a purple platform, and connected to it a set of glowing steps an organic-looking portal, sealed off by tentacles. An entrance to a new world. Clearly, I was but in the atrium of my new discovery, while on the other side of the portal lay wonders untold. _

_Assuming the tentacles were only matter, I should have slid through it feeling no resistance, possibly destroying it in the process. Imagine my surprise when I was pushed back. Nothing existed in the verse I had come from which could prevent my passing, save for the works of others like me. Could it be that a species even more powerful than that I belonged to had created this?_

_Converting my form into a basic variety of matter, I pulled each tentacle aside manually. They gave without discernable opposition, until finally only two large purple panels stood between me and my new realm. I placed my hands against one, enjoying the pleasing tactility of doing things via matter rather than energy, and pushed._

_The door swung open easily, and I sensed for a moment my first close star from the new verse, suspended over green vegetation. Indigenous life forms so very different from my own verse were out there, creating and destroying, living their simple lives, unaware of their new observer who would soon be joining them, except…_

_The sensation was indescribable. You might call it "pain", but although I had spent most of my life as a being of energy and did not know "pain" that seems too brief, too kind. It wracked my body, tormenting me, torturing me, the worst feeling I had ever encountered, as if to say, "You cannot enter here." Unable to bear it, I reverted to pure energy and the panel slammed shut._

_I gathered my strength, feeling the space around me supplying me with power. Then I turned back to matter and warily pressed on the panel once more, just a touch. It roared through my body anew, a sensation of loneliness, despair, rage, suffering. The panel closed firmly, I sat on the ground in my matter form and thought._

_Was this what we were forbidden from doing? Doomed to remain in the entrance hall of other verses for all of our life? My own verse seemed so small on its own now that I had seen another, yet I was stuck here under a purple sky, while all of another world waited somewhere I could not go. Was this to be my only experience of this new place?_

_No. I would remain here, in the purple space, waiting, watching, biding my time. Oh, I could go to other alternate verses, of course, but that would be admitting defeat, admitting there was somewhere we were forbidden from going. The possibility also existed that should I enter another new dimension, I would transport myself directly into a place as painful as the one beyond the portal and never be able to return, writhing in agony and torment for the rest of my miserable existence._

_I would stay here. I would show those mindless insects that there was nothing "the Forbidden" could not do, nowhere we could not go. And so I sped up my own time frame again and pondered._


	12. Part 12

Bowser stepped carefully over a dead Waddle Dee and knocked thrice upon the ornate door. It bore the crest of the Hylian royal family, three equilateral triangles arranged to make another, and around it was a great deal of intricate brushwork from one of the great artists of a bygone age. Sadly, the original effort had been blown to smithereens about half a year ago, but the artist who had reproduced it had done a good job of capturing the original painter's skill, dedication and fear of being executed should she do a bad job.

"Enter," commanded Ganondorf, "unless you're a member of the League of Legends or Wolf O'Donnell, in which case, prepare to feel a Warlock Punch to the abdomen."

Bowser pushed open the door.

"You got Wolf's message, I take it?" he said.

Ganondorf looked up from his desk. "This computer is my kingdom's one concession to modern technology, Bowser. Sometimes, I wish I had not made it. All the e-mails I get seem to be depressing ones."

"Where is the mangy dog now?"

"Fled back to Port Town, for all I know," said Ganondorf wearily. "Shouldn't you be going back to your realm too, Bowser? You have a new city to rule."

"Kammy's bringing the Koopa Clown Car tomorrow. I was wondering if I could borrow a guest room."

"As long as you use the floor. I don't want those spikes going through any of my best bedclothes."

Ganondorf returned his attention to the parchment and quill upon his desk. Bowser took a moment to look around the room. A four-poster resided against the far wall, covered in purple velvet sheets. A purple rug lay on the stone floor, illuminated by the roaring fire in the hearth. Around this, a purple sofa and two purple armchairs were positioned. Paintings of desert landscapes gave the room some respite from the overwhelming purpleness.

"Are you alright, Ganny?" asked Bowser, looking over at the parchment. "What's that you're drawing?"

Ganondorf placed a large tome over the parchment and glared at Bowser.

"Nothing. Don't you have a guest room to go to?"

"I'm just worried about you, that's all," said Bowser. "You haven't been yourself today."

"Who have I been then?" said Ganondorf in an exasperated manner, getting out of his chair and stretching.

"Is it because of the League of Legends messing up the meeting?"

"That didn't help my mood, if that's what you're asking."

"Is it because they stole your princess?"

"Bowser," said Ganondorf, looking the Koopa straight in the eye, "I have had a long and not particularly enjoyable day. I would like to go to bed now. Good night." He removed his cape and flung it on the bed.

"Is it Snake?" said Bowser innocently.

Ganondorf did not move.

o o o

Five and a half months ago, in Hyrule Castle…

"He's in my room now, waiting for me to come back and interview him," said Ganondorf.

"I presume you do not intend to interview him?" asked Bowser.

"I intend to talk to him," said Ganondorf, "once he has been securely tied down with dark magic. After that, I shall bring him out here and you can watch the fun."

"Why can't I deal with him?"

"Oh, Bowser. I know you don't like getting blood on your hands. Besides, I need you to hold the camera. You can't hog the limelight in every propaganda film, you know. Don't worry; your name will appear in the credits."

Bowser mumbled threateningly under his breath.

"Do cheer up, old fellow," said Ganondorf, patting Bowser on the shoulder. "The film won't be half as convincing if it sounds as if the cameratortoise is having a toeclaw removed."

He left Bowser and his entourage on the battlements, feeling jolly pleased with himself, and not without good reason. He was king of Hyrule, a position he had lusted after for many millennia; he had the beautiful Princess Zelda locked away in a cell, reduced from proud monarch to lowly slave; his old rival, Link, was trapped in a prison cell far, far away, ready to be used in the upcoming Project Z; and the only obstacles to his power were his fellow villains, whom he had nicely under his thumb. Granted, this Solid Snake had been a nasty shock to the system, but he would soon be out of the way and the newly developed barrier would stop anyone else from getting in.

He pushed open the double doors with a beaming smile on his face. Solid Snake had positioned himself on the bed, in what Ganondorf felt was a somewhat insolent manner – Snake was half sitting, half lying, and watched the King of Darkness only out of the corner of his eye. Ganondorf was not used to being treated with insolence, and although he would soon be squashing this little insect its bearing was enough to make him lose his grin.

"Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Snake," he said through gritted teeth.

"That's okay, Mr. Dragmire," replied Snake, standing up. "What can I do for you?"

"You can stand still for a minute."

Ganondorf raised his hands, and from them came three rings of purple fire. Before Snake could so much as cry out, his body was enveloped in restrictive circles that matched their producer's taste in interior décor.

"Stand up, you silly man," said Ganondorf, hoisting Snake up by the shoulders and plonking him against the wall. "I can't keep eye contact with you if you're staring at the stonework."

"Nice way of welcoming visitors you have here," said Snake, blood running down his face.

"I don't usually welcome visitors," said Ganondorf, "so in a way you're lucky. Of course, in a way you're not lucky, that way being that you're about to die."

"And you'll kill me, will you?"

"That's the idea, yes. And we're putting up a barrier around Nintendo to prevent anyone else making the same mistake you made. In a way, we're doing the rest of the galaxy a favour."

"Can you really kill someone who can blow you up with his mind?"

Ganondorf paused briefly and looked into eyes that betrayed nothing.

"Rayquaza killed off Mewtwo," he said, shrugging. "I don't see why not."

"But Rayquaza isn't here now, is he?"

Snake blinked. There was a loud bang. Ganondorf pirouetted on the spot, to find his wardrobe in ruins.

"You didn't do that," he said, turning slowly back to Snake.

"Oh, didn't I? Check your bed."

Ganondorf turned around in time to see the bedstead being blown to splinters. When he turned back he was shaking visibly.

"Th-th-this is some sort of trick!" he managed to stutter. "My purple fire stops all magic!"

"Wherever you are, whenever you think you're safe, I'll be able to see you, Ganondorf," hissed Snake. "When you're lying asleep, all tucked up and cosy, I'll know you're there. And one of these days, I'll blink. Just one short blink. Just one."

"Stop it!"

"Just. One. Blink."

He blinked. The desk exploded.

"Bowser!" yelled Ganondorf. "Bowser, get in here now! NOW!"

"He won't be able to save you when the blink comes."

"BOWSER!"

"Want me to open the door for him?"

Snake blinked again, and the door was blown off its hinges. Ganondorf leapt and yelled in terror.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," said Bowser, appearing in the doorway. "My frame isn't built for speed. Goodness, what happened here?"

"Bowser, get him out of here," said Ganondorf, fidgeting and shuffling around. "Get him out, and kill him, and get one of your Koopas to do the filming. Just get him out."

"Are you all right, Ganny? You're looking kind of pale…"

"GET HIM OUT!"

"Bang," said Snake, blinking again. Ganondorf jumped a full foot in the air.

"Just kidding," said Snake, with a wink.

"Come on, you," said Bowser, pulling him out. Snake mouthed "bang" as he left.

Ganondorf bit his black fingernails and fidgeted nervously with his free hand. He looked around the room, expecting the floor on which he stood to explode at any moment. He tried frantically to calm himself down – Snake was lying, or using some sort of magic he could not block. That last possibility scared him more than ever, and he scuttled around his chamber like a crab.

Eventually, he reminded himself that Snake would be dead soon. That fact soothed his agitated nerves sufficiently to allow him a brief smile, and he sat down on his bed to relax.

He toppled backwards into the pile of splinters and bruised his backside.

o o o

"Ganny?"

Ganondorf jumped.

"You all right?" asked Bowser. "You just sort of zoned out there."

"I'm fine," said Ganondorf, forcing his mouth into a smile. "It's just been a tiring day. Good night, Bowser."

Before Bowser could take his leave, a timid knock was heard at the door. A heavily armoured guard stepped in, looking sheepish and gazing at the floor.

"We've found no sign of the criminal, Lord Ganon," he said.

"Search again!" shouted Ganondorf, making the poor guard spring up despite his armour. "He must be here somewhere. I want him found and exterminated!"

"Come on, Ganny," said Bowser. "Even if he didn't reach the Halberd before it left, he's had plenty of time to escape by now. My guess is that he's on the run in Hyrule somewhere."

"He won't have anywhere to run," said Ganondorf darkly. "You there! I want a network system telling every guard in the country to conduct a thorough search of everywhere. Snake must be found and eliminated!"

"Yes, get out, you naughty guard," said Bowser, shooing him from the room. "Lord Ganon needs his beauty sleep." Then he turned back to Ganondorf, who was biting his black fingernails. "Don't worry, Ganondorf. I'm sure Snake will be found in time. Now, you get some rest, plan a nice assault on the Greil Mercenaries, and I'll be out of your hair tomorrow and back to my own country. Night night."

"Good night, Bowser," said Ganondorf.

As the Koopa retreated, he uncovered his drawing once more. The sketch showed a large man with a cape stopping explosions with his bare hands and laughing at the pathetic figure on the right, who cowered abjectly while shooting fire from the top of his head.

It did not make him feel any better.

o o o

Snake opened his eyes slowly.

His whole body was on fire with pain. He slowly tried to move an arm, but it rebelled so forcefully that he was forced to curtail the attempt.

Since his body refused to register any sensation other than that coming from his nerve endings, he was forced to use his other senses. His nose detected the smell of flowers and long grass, and his eyes told his nose that it was not mistaken. His ears registered the movement of small animals in the grass, not far from his location. His eyes also told him that it was late evening, with the sun just setting behind the mountains visible in the west. His tongue told him that his mouth was bleeding.

He cursed himself for not having made it back to the Halberd in time. Had he only been a few moments earlier, he would have been able to board just before its departure, and he would not be lying in a field now, immobile and defenceless. Furthermore, he was now completely unable to destroy the barrier or communicate the knowledge of how to do so to anyone who could. As a final slap in the face, a small bird with spiky brown head-feathers and red wings perched on his leg, cawed twice and relieved itself.

"Get off my leg, you little piece of shit!" he managed to croak, which was ironic given what the bird had just done. His voice sounded hoarse and distant. The bird took to the air in a flurry of feathers, and the grass rustled with the sounds of other small creatures also backing off. Too late, Snake remembered that he was a wanted man and therefore probably ought to keep schtum, but by then he could hear the sound of footsteps coming towards him. That said, they did not sound like the feet of someone who intended to turn him into the LOVE. The soft sticky steps put Snake in mind of a creature consisting entirely of marshmallow.

Suddenly, he was looking into two large green eyes, apparently embedded in a creature consisting entirely of marshmallow.

"Jigglypuff!"

o o o

"I don't believe it!" said Meta Knight, jumping up and down like a hyperactive child. "Look at this! Barely a scratch! It fell from a height of more than three kilometres, and there's a single blemish on the mask! It will still need the laser wounds patching up before it can fly, but they're fixable. The Halberd is saved!"

"A blemish? Sorry…" said Zelda weakly, from her position on the ground.

"Sorry?" shouted Meta Knight. "Are you mad? Your magic shield has saved my ship! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sacrifice."

"Thank the Goddesses, not me," gasped Zelda. "They gave me the strength to…"

"Right now, you have no strength to talk," said Sonic, moving her head onto a clump of grass. "Just lie there for a while, while we try to work out where we are."

"Thank you, Zelda," said Pit, kneeling beside her. "And thank the goddesses as well."

"You might just have saved all of our lives," added Captain Falcon, taking the other side.

"Yosh yosh yaroo!"

"Zelda this, Zelda that," grumbled Peach to herself. "Oh Zelda, you're so wonderful, please let me clean your ass with my tongue."

"I'd rather clean yours," said Wario with a hopeful grin.

Peach gave him a disgusted look before walking off to survey their current environment, which was mostly bare soil and large sharp rocks. Wario shrugged and continued to assess his haul, mostly consisting of necklaces with a skull motif dropped by the Moblins. Yoshi began to squeak nervously, pointing at the boulders.

"She's asleep," said Sonic. "Now, we should probably work out where we are."

"Archanea," answered Peach.

"Arch-in-a-what now?"

"Archanea. It's a technologically backward continent, like Hyrule. I'm guessing we flew over Kanto before landing here."

"How do you know it's Archanea?" asked Meta Knight.

"It's one of the few areas on the planet that has resisted LOVE rule. The LOVE spends all its time fighting with a small army called the Greil Mercenaries, which has reduced the entire country to bare soil. Bowser took me over it once in his helicopter. Not a pleasant sight. Yoshi, stop yelping."

"Wow," said Captain Falcon. "Brains as well as beauty."

"Thank you, Captain," said Peach with a sweet smile. "I'm glad _somebody_ appreciates my contribution to the group."

"I do!" cried Pit.

"You can contribute to _my_ group any time," said Wario.

Peach gave him a confused look. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know," admitted the fat man. "It was meant to be a sexual innuendo, but I think it went wrong somewhere… For the love of the Hands, what's that dinosaur saying?"

"He's just yelping at the moment," said Meta Knight. "I think he wants some attention."

"I'll give him a pat in a minute," said Sonic. "If the Greil Mercenaries are enemies of the LOVE, shouldn't we try and meet up with them or something?"

"You may meet them sooner than you think!"

This came from a woman who had suddenly jumped out from behind a boulder. She had green hair tied back in a ponytail, and was pointing a thin blade in the direction of the LOL in what was not an entirely amicable manner.

"Greil Mercenaries, surround them!"

It was as if they had risen out of the ground, whereas in reality they had just been hiding behind the rocks. Men and women bearing swords, axes, lances, bows and staves encircled the group, brandishing their arms as much as their armour would let them. Suddenly, the LOL wished they had paid attention to Yoshi.

Pit drew his bow and Meta Knight his sword, but Sonic gestured to them to conceal their weapons and put his hands into the air. The others did likewise, except for Zelda, who remained asleep. The green-haired woman, who wore no armour but a blue dress, ran into the ring of weapons and surveyed the captives.

"Two members of LOVE and their entourage, eh?" she said with a half-smile. "We shall see what Captain Ike thinks about this."

"Are you that far behind the times?" shouted Sonic. "These are…"

"Silence, rat," said the woman, drawing her blade level with his throat. "I have not come to parley with the likes of you."

"I implore you, hear him out!" said Meta Knight. "Both Wario and I have left the LOVE."

"A likely story indeed," snorted their captor.

"It's true!" cried Peach. "And I'm the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, and lying there is the princess of Hyrule. This group helped us to escape the LOVE!"

"I concede that your untruths have been well rehearsed, but then how come you have arrived in a LOVE transporter?"

"That?" said Peach. "That's…"

"Don't bother, Peach," said Sonic. "Take us to this 'Ike' guy. Maybe he knows more than you do."

The insinuation that her intelligence was subpar obviously rankled with the lady, but it was not enough to distract her from her task. She barked orders to the soldiers under her command to put the party in chains and confiscate their weapons. Wario moaned bitterly about his fate, and even shed a tear when he saw his treasure put into a sack by one of the mercenaries, but the rest suffered their chaining in silence. The only problem came when the soldiers tried to take Meta Knight's sword.

"I willingly let you manacle my hands, and you try to subject me to further ignominy?" he said. "Even the LOVE did not remove my sword."

"Don't argue with me, ball," said the warrior in charge of collecting the weapons. "Give me the blade now or…"

Meta Knight was suddenly gripping the man's throat with one hand and levelling the blade at his jugular with the other.

"Call me a ball again," he said sweetly, "and you shall have the blade. I swear it."

After that, it was decided that Meta Knight should keep the sword, but the soldiers took Pit's bow, along with Peach's frying pan, golf club and tennis racket. Zelda was hoisted over an axe-wielder's shoulder in a fireman's lift, remaining fast asleep all the while.

"We move out!" cried the green-haired girl. "It's half an hour's trek back to the camp, and I want to reach there before all the food is gone."

She looked at Wario's girth and tubby legs.

"Make that an hour's trek."

o o o

Time passes.

The march continued at a brisk pace. Sonic attempted to start a song, but none of the Greil Mercenaries appreciated the music and one attempted to give him a clip round the ear. She stabbed her hand on a spine and caused the assembled company great amusement. Only the commander did not smile.

Up until now, the GMs (as they shall henceforth be called) have been painted as a rather dour lot, and although fighting a bloody campaign for almost a year has that effect on some people there were, among them, enough kind hearts to make the journey somewhat less painful for the captives. When, for example, Pit started to cry, one of the mages who had been flirting with Captain Falcon (to Peach's chagrin) started telling him stories to cheer him up. She also messed up his hair, finally coaxing it out from over his left eye and making him look a lot more endearing. (Pit angrily told her to put it back.) Zelda's carrier spoke a little bit of Yoshi, and a few of the sword bearers unchained Meta Knight for a demonstration, which ended up with a round of applause and three inches trimmed off Wario's moustache.

The commander had no time for such frivolities. She had a great job to do for a great cause and a great man, and the laughter of her prisoners and troops only served to arouse contempt in her prodigious bosom. She told herself that the laughter of the prisoners would die on their lips when they returned to camp and were put on trial before Captain Ike.

And time passes.

o o o

And who was "Captain Ike" exactly?

He was a large, powerful man in his early thirties. Originally from the distant continent of Tellius, he had risen from common soldier to leader of a group called the Greil Mercenaries, named after his father. That group had saved the continent twice, after which Ike had left the land and journeyed to Archanea. Following the death of his best friend Soren at the hands of the LOVE, Ike had reformed the GMs in Archanea, with the aim of bringing down the LOVE's stranglehold over the continent.

He also had indigo hair.

At the moment, he was sorting through a number of letters received from a correspondent in Hyrule known as "M", who through great risk to his own life was keeping the GMs updated on LOVE movements by letters magically encoded onto the plumage of migrating birds. Ike had his mages decipher and transcribe the messages into a form he could read, and planned the GMs' activities accordingly.

The latest message told of the LOVE meeting, to take place a day after its dispatch. It also told of a group of soldiers who were rumoured to be going around the country and disrupting LOVE activities. Ike had read this second fact with great enthusiasm; with the LOVE distracted on their home continent, was it not possible that the peacekeeping forces inhabiting Archanea might be removed to deal with the threat? That would make the GMs' job a lot easier, although it was probable that tonight's attack would still go ahead.

An athletic leg, bare save for a brown boot, stepped into Ike's tent, followed by the rest of the green-haired female. The blue-haired captain looked up.

"Captain Ike," she said, her face aglow with breathless excitement, "we have captured a group of eight prisoners, including two members of the LOVE High Council!"

"Really?" said Ike, in a voice that had started off as that of a common solider but which had been poshened up through continued exposure to nobility. "Which ones?"

"Wario and Meta Knight, sir."

Ike sighed. "Lyndis, you know as well as I do that Meta Knight left the LOVE late last year and has not been heard of since. Furthermore, my most recent correspondence informs me that Wario may have deserted his former masters."

"They travelled here in a LOVE sky-carrier," said Lyndis, sounding somewhat disheartened. "It was surrounded by a blue shield, of a kind I have never seen the like of before."

"Meta Knight's old ship?"

Lyndis looked thoroughly crestfallen.

"Nonetheless, I am grateful to you for bringing them here. If I am not mistaken, these are the group that the letter spoke of."

"What news from M, my captain?"

Ike stood up and stretched his arms and legs.

"All in good time, Lyndis. Send the captives to my tent, and prepare the troops for tonight's… entertainment."

"Yes, my captain," said Lyndis, bowing her head submissively and withdrawing.

Ike grabbed his sword, Ragnell, and swung it around his head a couple of times. It was a blade designed to be held in two hands, and yet he handled it like a rapier in one. Years of exercise, military training and a high-protein diet had given him arms like ox's limbs and a single-minded determination to tactics and fighting.

As he turned a cheap vase on his desk into finely sliced terracotta rings, he thought of Lyndis and sighed. The girl was as eager as could be asked, but sometimes he questioned her devotion to the cause. Sometimes, it seemed as if she was trying too hard to impress him, Ike, at the expense of the war effort. These prisoners, for example. The girl had known very well that Meta Knight was no longer allied with the LOVE, yet in her eagerness to bring him a haul of prisoners to interrogate she had captured them anyway. He just could not explain it. And now, here she was again.

"The prisoners are outside, my captain," she said.

"Very good, Lyndis," Ike replied. "But why are you telling me this? You could have just sent them in."

Lyndis looked at the floor. "I suppose I could have, my captain, but I wanted to see them delivered myself."

"Well, now you have seen them delivered," said Ike, sternly. "Now, rally the troops. We know not when the enemy may strike."

Lyndis bowed her head once more and left. Her place in the doorway was shortly taken by Sonic, followed by the rest of the LOL. Zelda brought up the rear, still yawning from her nap and the only member of the band not in chains. Two axe wielders came in with them, watching the troops with a wary eye and bearing Pit's bow and Peach's armoury.

"You two may go," said Ike to the axemen. "I shall carry out the interview with the captives in private. Leave their weapons here."

The axemen left without another word. Ike paced slowly around the group, Ragnell in one hand and his chin in the other. He bore a thoughtful expression upon his face. He stopped his tour behind Wario, who was sweating nervously and smelt even worse than usual. With a sharp intake of breath, he lifted his sword in both hands and, giving a cry, stabbed downwards.

"Please spare me!" cried Wario.

His handcuffs fell from his wrists, their rings sliced neatly in two. While he looked at them in astonishment, Ike continued to perform the same trick with the other captives.

"I apologise for your treatment on your way here," he said in an offhand manner. "Lyndis is a good soldier, but somewhat over-exuberant in her attempts to impress me."

"I can see why," muttered Peach to Zelda, admiring Ike's biceps. Zelda gave her a severe look.

"I recognise some of you," the captain continued, continuing to free the prisoners. "I recognise the hero Captain Falcon, survivor of the Purges…"

"Hell yeah!" said the Captain, glad to be recognised.

"…I recognise Meta Knight, and the princesses of Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom. To you two especially, I offer my deepest regrets for your treatment. Ladies should not be manhandled in such a fashion."

"Quite all right!" giggled Peach, simpering a little. "A little manhandling now and then is rather enjoyable."

Zelda stared at her incredulously. Ike looked equally confused, but sliced the final pair of handcuffs off Yoshi and continued. "You, of course, are a Yoshi from the island. I cannot say I recognise either of you two…"

"Sonic's the name, and this is Pit. We're enemies of the LOVE."

"So I guessed. I assumed all of you were. But in this case, what is this man doing here?" He prodded Wario's stomach with the butt of his sword.

"I'm an enemy of the LOVE too!" said Wario, attempting an ingratiating smile.

"This hideous toad fled the LOVE when it was convenient for him," said Peach. "He now claims to be on our side."

Ike returned to his seat, swishing his sword absent-mindedly and apparently completely unaware of the adoring gaze of the princess. Stabbing it into the ground, he gazed at the captives.

"Listen to what I have to say carefully," he said. "I do not think any of you are a threat to our existence, although I remain uncertain about the pungent one. However, the fact remains that you are prisoners of the Greil Mercenaries, and I cannot let you wander off unchecked. There is a possibility you might be captured by the LOVE, and if tortured you might reveal facts about us.

"I will ask you to prove your loyalty to us. We have intercepted messages informing us of an attack on us by LOVE troops tonight. You will join us as soldiers for this attack. Should you serve us well, we shall escort you to the Kanto region by boat on the morrow. Does this seem reasonable?"

"Very much so," said Meta Knight. "Destroying the LOVE's forces never gets old."

"And we'd love to spend a bit more time with you… and your forces," said Peach.

Ike rose meaningfully from his seat and gave the assembled company a warm and welcoming smile. Peach melted completely.

"I am glad to hear it. Now, I must ask you to hurry to the food hall. The time for serving is almost over."

"Thank fuck!" said Wario with feeling. "I haven't had a proper meal for I don't know how long!"

"Except you," said Ike. "You already have enough food stored beneath your skin to keep you going. Therefore, you will go to the boundary of the camp and inform the strange merchant who has recently been sighted to remove himself from the area."

"Wah!"


	13. Part 13

"Come on!" said the man with the ladle. "Step it up! The food's almost out!"

"Hey, that's my line!" said Sonic. "Er, what do you recommend?"

"Well, if you don't like beef stew, I recommend you find another chef."

"Thanks for clearing that up," said Sonic, accepting a bowl of the stew. It was brown, watery and smelled like something that had crawled out of a drainpipe.

"We have a vegetarian here," said Meta Knight, pointing at Yoshi. The dinosaur was looking at the sludge with a disgusted air.

The chef looked confused. "What's a vegetarian?"

"Carrot soup?" suggested Ike.

"Blimey," said the chef, reaching down to pick up a large bowl. "I didn't think anyone would ever want some of this. Hope you like it."

Yoshi looked at the soup as one might look at a sewer rat sitting in one's place at the dining table and helping itself to the best Gorgonzola, but took the bowl without another word.

"Don't you have anything more… royal?" asked Peach.

"We make no distinctions on the grounds of nobility in the Greil Mercenaries," said Ike sharply. "Social classes mean nothing here."

Zelda nodded and accepted the stew wordlessly.

"Yes, obviously… I mean… er…" Peach blushed furiously, cursed her own foolishness and went to sit away from the rest of the group. She saw the woman who had chained them up sitting by herself on a bench and, sensing a sort of kinship, made her way over.

"Hello, Lyndis," she said, smiling.

"Please, call me Lyn," said Lyndis, jumping up and motioning to a seat. "Look, I'm so sorry about the whole chains and capturing business. If I'd known you were really the princess…"

"…you'd have arrested us just the same in order to get Ike to give you a second glance, right?"

Lyn played with her stew.

"You like him, don't you?" said Peach, removing a piece of "beef" and looking at it distastefully. "It's only natural. He's the hottest guy I've ever seen."

"He doesn't feel physical attraction," said Lyn suddenly. "He just buries himself in his tactics and his fighting. Do you know what he does in his free time? He lifts weights and practises with his sword. You know, sometimes I feel like I could pull down my dress and he'd ask me whether I'd prepared the troops for manoeuvres as if nothing had happened."

"He'd probably ask you if they were new secret weapons," said Peach, taking a bite of stew. "Actually, dish ishn't sho bad."

On the other side of the large tent, Ike was explaining to the LOL about the sudden change in the ruling of the continent.

"...It must have only been four months ago when we heard that Emperor Marth was returning to reclaim the throne. Naturally, we were overjoyed. Reports stated that before I came to the continent, Marth was one of the best and fairest rulers the land has ever had. We assumed that he had escaped the Purges and would throw the LOVE out of Archanea, and the Greil Mercenaries would be disbanded once more.

"Sadly, that was not the case. Marth returned, yes, but a changed man. He ruled the continent on the LOVE's advice, and continued to persecute those who opposed him. Furthermore, the country's military were more loyal to him than to the LOVE, and so we had them to contend…"

"You know, I didn't really realise it when she was chaining us up," said Captain Falcon, gravy dribbling down his chin, "but that Lyndis girl is really hot! You two got anything going on there?"

"Going on?" asked Ike, looking over at Lyn with his head on one side. "No, no. Lyndis and I, we are soldiers in the same band and nothing more."

"What, really?" said the Captain. "You've got that hotness working under you every day, and you never thought to ask her out?"

"I suppose you are right," said Ike thoughtfully. "She is quite attractive, now that I come to look at her."

"Get in there, man!" said Captain Falcon, giving him a friendly punch on the arm. "It won't be long before somebody else gets to her first!"

"So, Ike," said Zelda, a hint of annoyance in her voice, "I notice there are three people over there, sitting on their own and crying. Why is that?"

"Ah," said Ike, "those people have sad stories. The young man with red hair is Roy, and came from the same land as Lyndis not so very long ago. He is crying because he was very attached to the young emperor, and after the emperor's change has not been able to see him.

"The boy with the erect blond hair is Lucas of Eagleland. He was an enemy of the current ruler, Porky, and fled the country after the LOVE's takeover. He joined us in an attempt to retaliate against the LOVE, but has so far been too timid to be of any real use in battle. He is crying because he feels that he is unable to assist us.

"And the monkey in the red tunic and cap is Diddy Kong. He is crying because he is annoying and nobody likes him."

"How tragic!" cried Zelda, her heart brimming with kindness. "I shall go over and talk to him."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," warned Ike.

"Rubbish. Just watch."

Zelda stalked through the hall, attracting quite a few stares from the soldiers, and approached the small primate. She bent down beside him and put an elegant hand upon his shoulder.

"Hello there, young fellow," she said in a kindly tone. "My name's Zelda. Who are you?"

The monkey's tear-stained eyes connected with hers, and in an instant he was all over her.

"Wow, a new friend! I'm Diddy Kong, pleased to meet you, d'you wanna play with me? Let's go play tag! I can show you my Chimpy Charge! Ooh, d'you wanna hear my guitar solo? I play a mean electric guitar! D'you shoot? D'you wanna see me shoot? I got two Peanut Popguns, I can shoot really good! Hey, can I play with your hair? It's silky!"

There was a frazzling noise, a smell of burnt monkey fur and a brief scream. Zelda returned to the table looking slightly tousled.

"You were right, captain," she said, sitting back down. "I shall not question your advice again."

o o o

Wario plodded wearily across the dusty plain towards the tiny figure that seemed so far away. Although it was undoubtedly true that he had a large energy store in his subcutaneous fat, he was not very good at accessing it, and it was failing him now as he stopped for a break and panted at the ground.

"Don't give up. You're almost there."

Wario looked up and glared at the figure. "Oh no. Not you again."

He used what easily accessible energy remained and dashed towards the cloaked form.

"Now you look here," he gasped. "I don't know how you got here so fast, but please will you stop following us? It's creepy."

"I'm only trying to help," "said" Mewtwo.

"Well, the captain of this group wants you to clear off, so on your bike, chumbo."

"You're very hungry, aren't you?"

"How did you know?" asked Wario, patting his bulge.

The man's stomach emitted a sound that, in a zoo, might have been mistaken for a lion scaring off a rival.

"Just guessing," said Mewtwo.

"What's it to you, anyway?" said Wario angrily. "I can't eat Bob-ombs, or invisibility for that matter."

A small packet of yellow string-like objects appeared from within the confines of the cloak. Wario stared at it, hypnotised.

"Is that… spaghetti?"

"Just like Mama used to make it," said Mewtwo, telekinetically dangling the packet in front of Wario's face like a fisherman. "Five thousand coins."

"What?" shouted Wario, his eyes still fixed on the packet. "That's ridiculous! Five thousand for a packet of pasta!"

"You would rather settle for the chef's special brown watery stew with lumpy bits?"

Wario opened his mouth to argue, before shutting it again. He glumly pulled out his wallet and emptied it into his hands. The total amounted to 4,416 coins. The fat man was crestfallen.

"Do you do a loyalty discount?" he asked hopefully.

Mewtwo considered for a moment. "Eleven point six eight percent for enemies of the LOVE."

"I'm an enemy of the LOVE!" said Wario. "How much do I owe you?"

The former contents of Wario's wallet floated gently into Mewtwo's coat.

"That much," he said, extending the packet of pasta. Wario snatched it greedily and cradled it to his midriff like a small and vulnerable child.

"Oh, thank you Mewtwo, oh thank you so…"

He trailed off and looked over the Pokémon's shoulder. Despite the darkness, he was just about able to make out figures on the horizon, including one titanic looming shape. Straining his pointed ears, he could hear the sound of many footsteps.

"You see?" Mewtwo said. "I am here to help you."

"Did you know about them?" asked Wario.

"I detected their brainwaves from a long way away."

"Oh my Hands," moaned Wario, biting his filthy yellow fingernails. "It's massive! It's huge! Mewtwo, do you know how many they are?"

"It's hard to tell at this distance," said Mewtwo, "but the number of brain signals I am receiving is in the thousands. However, some of the signals are acting oddly. For example…"

"No time gotta go thanks bye!" Wario rushed off, shouting and screaming, without giving a backwards glance.

Mewtwo remained stationary and "listened" with increasing interest.

o o o

"They're coming! The LOVE are coming! Get ready for the attack! Waaah!"

The small fat smelly man running into the camp, jumping and screaming as if his backside was ablaze, had no small effect on the majority of the GMs who had never seen him before. Some ran off to fetch the captain, some ran to find their weaponry and quite a number of them clustered around Wario to get more information.

"How many are there?"

"Thousands! Tens of thousands! Waaah!"

"How near are they?"

"Maybe only ten minutes' walk! Waaah!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm very frightened! Waaah!"

Eventually, news got back to the captain that somebody with a strawberry for a nose had spotted approaching enemy forces, and Ike rushed out to the point near his tent from which Wario was spreading the news. He could just about see the man's biker helmet poking over the crowd's heads when he jumped.

"What on God's Nintendo has happened to organisation?" he yelled in a voice like thunder. "You all have your posts and places to be when an attack occurs. The fact that it is occurring somewhat earlier than expected does not prevent you from going to them! Prepare yourselves!"

The crowd dispersed at once, giving Ike room to rush through, grab Wario and shake him about a bit.

"One, I know the army isn't ten minutes away because if it was, my scouts would have spotted them before you did. Two, why did you go around shouting like a madman? Are you trying to panic my troops?"

"You're going to tear my jacket!" cried Wario.

Ike dropped the handful of jacket he was holding and turned to the other members of the LOL, who had gathered behind him along with Lyn and a number of other GMs. Ike addressed these first.

"You five know what to do. I want swords, axes and lancers alternating along the front, bows and mages alternating behind them and catapults behind them. Now get moving!"

The five of them bowed their heads slightly and ran off. Ike watched them leave.

"The default tactic when we don't know what is coming," he explained. "Soren would have done it better, but he isn't here any more. Great tactician, Soren."

"Who?" asked Sonic.

"Never mind. Not important. Now, I want Sonic towards the front of the swords section, Captain…"

"Before you go on," said Sonic, struck by a sudden recollection, "when we were in Hyrule Castle, we overheard Ganondorf saying he'd use something called Galleom in the attack."

"Galleom?" cried Meta Knight and Wario in dismay.

"What's Galleom?" asked Ike.

"Let me put it this way," said Wario. "We're all totally screwed."

o o o

Ike stood at the front of the ranks of infantry, the LOL by his sides. They looked out over the plain together towards the oncoming army, lit up by their own lanterns.

"Where is Galleom?" asked Ike, straining his eyes to see.

"He's the really big one," said Wario, pointing to a figure that towered above the forces surrounding it. "He's also the one that will probably rush you when they get too close."

"He is a sort of giant, then?"

"Sort of, yes," said Meta Knight. "A giant made of metal."

The big figure disappeared into the ranks.

"He has vanished!" cried Ike. "Has he fallen over?"

"No chance," said Wario. "Split your forces in two and have them run like crazy!"

Not used to being ordered around, Ike nonetheless gave the command to the troops, and as quickly as possible the GMs were divided down the middle. No sooner had they separated than a massive metal construction shot between them, all spikes and purple stripes. It smashed through the back row of catapults as if they were paper, before quickly coming to a stop and unfolding into what looked like a giant boxer with a single horn, a large beak and two heavy duty rocket launchers on its back.

"Holy crap," said Wario.

There was the sound of the army charging from the fore, just as Galleom's enormous fist smashed into the magic and bows battalion, killing two men.

"We can't fight this sort of assault on both sides!" cried Ike.

"What about just the army?" said Sonic.

"Possibly… Why? What are you suggesting?"

Sonic threw his sword towards Galleom. It struck a glancing blow off the robot's outer plating, but got its attention.

"We'll take out old Tin Can here, while you lot fight off those guys," said Sonic.

Ike looked at the metal behemoth, and then back at the charge of the Archanean armed forces. His face set into a determined expression, he nodded and rushed to the front of his troops, drawing Ragnell.

"Greil Mercenaries, CHARGE!"

It was enough to rouse the bewildered GMs into action. Under the command of Ike and the five directly beneath him, they regrouped and rushed at the opposing forces, cheering with gusto and yet with slightly less enthusiasm than they might have shown had they not just been shorn in two and then punched by a metal golem.

Said golem saw himself being quickly left behind by the charge, and fired a sequence of missiles at the back rank (the catapulteers, who had lost their main weapons and were advancing rather unsteadily after the rest of the army). Yoshi's tongue flicked out and caught one, which was spat into another two before they could do any harm. The fourth exploded upon contact with one of Palutena's arrows.

"Another evil robot," said Captain Falcon, calmly surveying the nightmarish construction. "Sonic, I think I need a distraction."

Sonic smiled and flew off in buzz saw form.

Meanwhile, the front rank of the GMs was colliding with the initial cavalry charge of the Archanean army, supplemented by Ganondorf's troops. Moblins, goblins and the big black birds with rockets on their backs were mixed in with the human soldiers. Ike rushed into the fray with Ragnell drawn and hacked away at thin air. It was amazing how the army bent around him. Nobody wanted to fight Ike.

"That's not fair!" shouted Ike, as the soldiers behind him knocked the charging forces off their steeds. "I'm not invincible!" He ran back to help his troops.

Roy was one of the fighters in the first rank, and despite his timid demeanour in camp his blade flashed through the enemy forces as if through cloth. As he sliced through the cavalry, he kept looking up at the riders of the steeds as if searching for someone. This lapse of guard almost cost him dearly when a Hylian black bird dived at him, but fortunately it ended up impaled on the sword of another fighter.

"Careful, Roy," said Lyn with a smile, shaking the carcass off her blade before jumping away.

And now we are dealing with two almost entirely separate battles, for although Galleom was attempting to shake the LOL and attack the back of the GMs, the LOL were not so easily shaken. On the other side of the warzone, the imperial and LOVE-loyal forces were having too many problems with the GMs to even think about aiding Galleom, who they assumed to be all but invincible anyway. While this would be no problem for the director of a film, who would no doubt relish the opportunity to switch his camera angle from one side of the battle to another, it is somewhat more difficult for the author to do the same. It interrupts the prose. Therefore, I shall describe the battle with Galleom first and the main conflict second.

**1) Vs. Galleom**

Galleom was a semi-sentient warmonger, developed in Porky's top-secret robot facility that everybody knew about. The grey and purple colour scheme had been Porky's idea, and by the time anyone else got the chance to see the robot it was too late to make any changes. Fortunately for the LOVE, the monster was too threatening for anybody to spend long laughing at the colours without receiving a giant fist to the face.

Galleom had two purposes – to charge into things really fast in its tank form and destroy everything, and to hit things really hard with its missiles and hands and destroy everything. It was very good at both its jobs, and as such was kept as a last resort secret weapon for when other attacks just failed to work. All the people who had seen it outside the LOVE were dead.

Only two people out of the eight currently attacking it knew this, and so they went about their job with gusto. Sonic and Meta Knight were indeed tasked with providing distractions; this was done by Meta Knight flying to in fro in front of the robot's face and Sonic running all over its body, delivering the occasional spinning buzz saw attack. Meanwhile, the Captain, Wario, Zelda and Peach pummelled away at its legs, while Pit and Yoshi took care of the missiles that periodically left its back. It was when Galleom snatched Peach in one hand and Zelda in the other that they felt the need to accept that this method was not working.

"It's got to have a weak point!" said Sonic. "Some sort of exposed cable or something!"

"You're the one who was running all over him!" said Captain Falcon. "You tell us!"

He jumped up and attempted to free Peach by Falcon Punching Galleom's arm, but the other fist with Zelda in swatted him off like a fly.

"What about the bright blue limb joints?" asked Pit.

"Don't be stupid," scoffed the Captain, spitting earth. "What sort of idiot creates a massive war machine and then paints its weak spots bright blue?"

Pit notched an arrow and shot it at Galleom's left elbow. There was a small explosion, Galleom staggered backwards and Peach fell to the ground, wrapped in the monster's hand.

"Porky, apparently," said Meta Knight, as the Captain ran forward to unwrap the ham-like fist encasing Peach.

"Hello!" called Zelda. "One princess is still being held captive!"

Porky may have been a dunce when it came to painting the armour-less points of his creations, but nobody could fault him when it came to programming their AI. Galleom realised that his gig as "invincible warbot" was up, and swung the arm holding Zelda frantically, giving Pit a very small moving target to aim at. Zelda felt the grip around her getting tighter and tighter.

"Aim for its knees!" shouted Meta Knight, rolling out of the way of a swipe.

Maybe Galleom heard this, for his immediate action was to crush Zelda in his fist. However, his fist closed on thin air, and running up his arm was what looked like a thin and athletic man dressed in blue with his face hidden by a white headscarf. A ponytail wrapped in more white cloth drifted behind his head as he ran, drew a dagger from a sheath at his belt and stabbed it forcefully into the elbow. Galleom gave a mechanical shriek as he leapt from its arm, now drooping floppily by its side.

"Who's the guy who took Zelda's place?" asked the Captain.

"I'm guessing that's her," said Peach.

"_Her!_"

As "Zelda" rushed up to the rest of the group, holding long needles in her hand, her feminine body was indeed visible under the clothing.

"Now can we aim for its knees?" shouted Meta Knight.

Galleom had already lost two limbs. It did not intend to lose any more. Tucking itself into the form in which it had rushed the GMs at the beginning, it fired another salvo of missiles. Zelda's new appearance took the first few shots out with her thrown needles while Pit destroyed the rest. Sonic rushed the tank-like object and jumped onto its back, looking for another weak spot.

"I can't see any… Whoa!"

Galleom whizzed towards the LOL at high speed, throwing Sonic off. There was a mad scramble to get out of its way, apart from Zelda, who produced a long chain from somewhere and caught the horn on Galleom's head as it passed. Clinging onto the chain with all her strength, she was pulled up onto the robot's back. As the tank charged towards the main battle, she produced two needles and stuck them into the very small gap between the sheets of armour on the robot's neck. There was a horrible mechanical choking sound.

But before Galleom and its rider collide with the main confrontation, it behoves the reader to know what has happened there.

**2) Vs. Marth**

When we left the GMs, they were taking on about five thousand of the Archanean imperial troops, supplemented by Hylian forces and sporting the LOVE's colour scheme. The GMs themselves numbered only about six hundred. Remove the catapult operators from this number, who were all but useless without their giant wooden constructs to hide behind, and each GM could expect to be set upon by about ten Archanean troops, some of which were riding on horses, plus a few goblins and the odd black bird.

There were some factors that helped to balance the odds: the front line of lances made the cavalry all but useless, and the GMs had access to mages, healers and a few standout fighters. Ike was the most renowned one, and had trouble keeping his battle average up only because enemy soldiers avoided him like the plague. This tended to lead them straight into one of the five commanders below Ike in the hierarchy. Cain, head of the lances division, was currently top of the table, with a battle average of 47.8 kills per major attack, but Lyn, with 46.4 kpma, was not far behind. Annoying though he was, Diddy Kong was not lying when he described his shooting skills, and had an average of about twenty kpma. Slightly ahead of him was Roy.

As his blade, burning with the ferocity of his attacks and with actual fire, cut through the enemy forces like a knife (or a flaming sword) through warm butter, his eyes kept wandering around the faces of the enemy forces, searching for one face in particular. At last, looking at a young man jumping off his steed with sword in hand, he found it.

"Marth!"

The young emperor of Archanea was handsome to the point of being androgynous, with very smooth skin and feminine proportions, not to mention a tiara in his blue hair. His blue eyes had been gentle and soft before his disappearance – now, they had a manic tint.

"Marth!" cried Roy. "I'm over here!"

Marth gave no appearance of having heard the shout, which was perhaps not surprising over the noise of the battle. Instead, he calmly sliced the head off a female GM in front of him.

Roy felt a little bit sick. He was a battle-hardened veteran who had saved his home country, the Lycian League, from the demon dragon Idenn, killing many foes in the process. It was not the act that made him feel unwell – rather, it was the calmness and the man who carried it out. Flashing his blade, he hacked his way through the enemy lines towards Marth.

"Marth, darling, stop this please!"

Marth's sword danced about, dissecting those around him. An imperial soldier who got in the way was one of those who ended up missing an arm. The young prince seemed entirely indifferent to who he hurt, and even more so to the cries of the red-haired youth approaching. He prepared to stab an axe wielder through the stomach, but a hand was gripping his arm.

"Marth, what's happened to you?"

The large blue eyes with the insane glow turned to meet a pair of much softer ones.

"Ever since you left… hang on."

Roy turned around to face the Moblin behind him, chopped its spear in two and sent his blade through its right eye before continuing.

"Ever since you left this place, you've been like some cruel heartless monster! What happened to the Marth I knew and loved?"

Stabbing an axe-wielder behind him with his right hand, he reached his left up to stroke Marth's baby-smooth face.

"Come back to the light, Marth."

Marth stabbed Roy in the chest.

"Get your hand off my face, you poof," he said in a refined and melodious voice. "You're making it dirty."

"NO!"

As Roy toppled backwards, a confused expression on his face, Lyn appeared as if from nowhere and, leaping over his body, lashed out with her sword. Marth deflected it as if it were a stray feather, counter-attacking with a swipe that nearly severed her torso from her legs. Putting her arm over the heavy gash in her stomach, Lyn bent down next to Roy.

"I'm sorry, Roy," she said, a single tear welling in the corner of her right eye.

"That's not Marth…" Roy managed to say. "When you find him… tell him… I… love…"

Roy lay back and breathed his last slow, rattling breath. Lyn crouched low, glaring at the expressionless emperor and skewering the occasional fighter who tried to get in a cheap shot on her back. With a sudden roar, she forgot about her wound and charged Marth.

"Taste my blade, you bastard!"

Sadly, a large purple tank got to him before she could.

o o o

Sonic ran alongside Zelda, attempting to jump onboard the tank while avoiding the myriad of axes, lances, swords etc. that came at him from all directions.

"You gotta steer it somehow!" he shouted.

Zelda looked at the metal needles sticking out of Galleom's neck with trepidation. Then she looked at her hands, wrapped in the same material used to tie her hair. Its resistivity was unknown. Taking a deep breath, she seized both needles and pushed them further in. After a further strangled clanking noise, Galleom started to blast out missiles all over the battlefield, targeting foes and friends indiscriminately.

"Pull them out again!" yelled Sonic, as he dodged a rocket.

Zelda did so, instead yanking them to one side. Galleom's reverse exhaust pipe starting coughing up a noxious black smoke, the tank ground to a halt and Galleom biped form re-emerged, its eyes crackly with interference and it legs wobbling as if it could be toppled with a strong shove. After a little bit of experimentation from Zelda, this hypothesis turned out to be correct.

All this time, Marth had been clinging to Galleom's beak. He now dropped off, looking about as unsteady on his feet as Galleom had done, yet still grasping his sword and managing to stay just about upright.

"Who's the girl?" asked Sonic.

Zelda changed back into her dress in a flash of light before replying. "Marth, emperor of Archanea."

"Sure you don't mean empress?"

Marth shook his head and looked first at Galleom, then at Zelda, Sonic and the crowd of assorted soldiers that was coming up behind them. Brandishing his blade, he charged at Zelda, unleashing a furious cry. As he charged, Zelda created a ball of flame between her hands while Sonic span on the spot.

The three never met. Instead, Ragnell spun out from between Sonic and Zelda, catching Marth in a spinning circle of sharp metal. Ike jumped out, caught the sword in mid-air and slammed Marth into the floor with the flat of the blade.

"You shouldn't have killed Roy," he said, advancing on the fallen emperor. "I fight for my friends, even when they are gone."

"Ike, he is mine!" shouted Lyn, rushing towards him.

Ike raised his hand. "No, Lyndis. I do not wish for you to be bound by revenge."

"That boy was my son, Ike!"

Everyone, including Ike, looked at Lyn with a slightly bemused expression.

"He was younger than he looked," she muttered, "and I'm older."

"Nevertheless, I cannot let you be tied to vengeance."

"I won't be once I kill him!"

"Roy's soul will be avenged either way."

"My grief will not!"

"Can someone just kill him please?" cried Sonic.

Marth had risen to his feet again, badly cut but still standing.

"You fools," he said, smiling grimly. "Always with your moral standings and your avenging of souls and your sympathy for your foes. That's why you will never…"

Ike's blade buried itself up to the hilt in Marth's stomach, in a manner so similar to Roy's demise that even his grieving mother found it ironic.

"Who said anything about sympathy?" demanded Ike. "You'll get none from me."

He withdrew the blade and waited for the blood to rush out. It did not come. Instead, a thick purple mist emanated from the wound. As Marth gave his dying gasp, the breath coming from his lungs turned into the same mist, and before his falling form had hit the floor it had dissolved entirely into the rapidly dissipating fog, leaving nothing behind.

"Hey, guys!" shouted Captain Falcon, running up. "You left us behind after you drove that tank away! So what's happened? Did we miss anything?"


	14. Part 14

"Pleased as I am that you aided us in the routing of the imperial forces," said Ike, some time later, "your purple tank was responsible for the deaths of a number of mine. Both its charge and its missiles killed several Greil Mercenaries while you were riding it. I cannot just let you off."

"I couldn't actually control it," protested Zelda. "I was just pushing needles into it in the hope that they would do something."

"Fair enough," said Ike. "I suppose I'll just let you off. The enemies did run like rabbits after Marth fell. I lost many good men in that brawl, though. It leaves me wondering where we shall get new members for our cause."

"You might not need to after the emperor's death," suggested Meta Knight.

"That wasn't the emperor."

Lyn had been seated in the corner of the tent, her eyes fixed on the floor, her arms crossed and her hands gripping the chair's arms as if they were personally responsible for Roy's fall. Now, she looked Meta Knight straight in the face with a glare that cut through his mask like a welder's torch.

"My son said he wasn't the emperor, and he knew the emperor better than anyone," she said in a voice that could cut bricks. "And would the emperor have dissolved into purple smoke? That wasn't the emperor. That was some demon from another world, who I would have had _no qualms about killing_." She spat this last sentence while looking at her captain.

"I said I was sorry, Lyndis," said Ike softly.

Lyn choked back her next sentence, which would have made Sonic cover Pit's ears. She rose silently, shaking slightly, and marched out of the tent.

"Excuse me one moment, please," Ike said to the LOL. He followed her out.

There was a silence in the tent for a few moments.

"Zelda," said Wario at length, "if I asked very nicely, would you change back into a sexy ninja in tight blue clothes?"

"No."

"Aww, come on, Zelda," pleaded Captain Falcon. "Show us your boo…"

At this juncture Ike re-emerged in the tent, and the Captain choked back the final consonants.

"Problem solved," Ike said. "I asked her if I could take her out to dinner to make up for it, and after she had stared dumbstruck for a few seconds she agreed. Then she cried into my chest for a while, and now she seems a bit better."

"And you have no idea why, right?" said Peach, smiling indulgently.

"Why? Do you?"

Captain Falcon gave the thumbs-up sign and grinned.

"I said we'd go to a nice restaurant in northern Altea. We'll probably have to take over the town it's in first, though. And I'm going to award her the Emblem of Soren for services rendered. It's the highest award a Greil Mercenary can receive."

"I think she'd prefer a nice bouquet," suggested Peach.

"Flowers? More than the greatest honour I can give?"

"Just a hunch."

Ike looked at her as if she had suggested babies' limbs, but slowly nodded and continued. "Now, as promised, I will escort you personally to the port not far north from here. From there, you will take a boat…"

Pit snored loudly.

"No," said Sonic firmly, "you're wrong. Now, we will sleep."

o o o

Time passes.

The journey north was not an easy one. "Not far" for Ike's powerful legs did not necessarily qualify as "not far" for the short legs of Wario, the underdeveloped muscles of Pit or Peach's high-heeled shoes, especially given that GMs were used to hikes spanning several days. Walking across hills and valleys, sustaining themselves on cold beef stew and sleeping in flimsy tents (apart from Captain Falcon, who steadfastly refused to sleep in the same tent as another man and therefore slept outside, shivering) did not make for an easy passage.

Nonetheless, despite much complaining from Wario and Pit (and Yoshi once Pit started riding on him) they eventually made it to the port, which turned out to be a tiny village with one jetty and a galleon that dwarfed everything around it. Ike greeted the helmsman, dropped a few gold coins into his hand and explained the nature of the journey. The helmsman, a former GM now too old to engage in combat, beckoned the LOL on board.

The ship _TES Soren's Soul_ departed the village in under an hour, Ike waving from the jetty. Thus began a trip plagued by rough seas, strong winds, hard and salty food, sea serpents, bad singing, blaming Wario for missing supplies and Captain Falcon being seasick almost constantly. The crew could only watch in astonishment as the big man expelled through his mouth more than he had eaten.

And time passes.

o o o

It was about halfway through the boat trip when Bowser's computer informed him that "Ganondorf_Dragmire" wished to engage him in video-chat. Giving the small flashing camera icon a click, he was greeted with the unpleasant sight of the green man's face, looking at the newspaper in his hand and sucking a red biro.

"Ah, Bowser, lovely to see you," he said, not looking up. "You don't do the Hyrule Tribune's 'Professor Crossword', do you?"

"The Hyrule Tribune isn't available in the Mushroom Kingdom," said Bowser patiently.

"Of course it isn't. Silly me. Still, I was wondering if you could give me a hand with this one: 'Deceive one instrument with a puzzle', nine letters, something O something U something something something U something."

"What do you want, Ganondorf?" asked Bowser with a sigh.

"Want?" said Ganondorf in appalled tones. "Bowser, just because we are in charge of the entire planet doesn't mean we can't make social calls! I wanted to make some small talk. You know, how was your day, how are your children, how did the invasion of Yoshi's Island go, that sort of thing."

"In order, dull, still pissed off with me and well enough."

"So you managed to take it over then? Excellent! Third time's the charm, eh?"

"I did have to make a personal intervention," admitted Bowser. "I had to… You know…"

Ganondorf tutted. "You know, on another occasion I would have criticised you for a serious lapse of judgement, but I suppose it was necessary in this case, especially without the Halberd. This will require no further movement of people between the island and the mainland, you understand."

"You know, Ganny, I get a feeling that there was something else you wanted to inquire of me."

"You know me too well, Bowser!" laughed the green man. "All right, I confess: I had some business to discuss. Firstly, when can we get Project Z fully online?"

"Still limited to one each at the moment," said Bowser, "but I have our best scientists working on the problem."

"What a pity," said Ganondorf, pursing his lips. "Keep at it. Now, the second thing concerns You Knows Who, who I met up with yesterday."

"What?" roared the Koopa. "You met up with You Know Who and you didn't tell me?"

"Nothing to get angry about, Bowser. Just a little chat. He wants to know how Projects X and Y are coming along. I told him Project X should be complete in a couple of months, but of course I don't know about Project Y…"

Bowser stood up abruptly. "I will tell him myself how Project Y is going."

"Still not done then? Honestly, Bowser. You have all the modern technology of the Mushroom Kingdom at your disposal, and you can't even finish this one simple thing?"

Bowser forcibly turned his snarl into a sweet smile. "By the way, Ganondorf, we still haven't heard when the next great assault on the Greil Mercenaries is going to take place. Remember, we need to have Galleom back as soon as possible. I trust you have concocted a plan?"

Ganondorf frowned into his computer's camera. "Er… Well…"

"No?" said Bowser, feeling a lot better. "Dearie me. What are we going to do with them? That's a CONUNDRUM and no mistake."

The look of confusion on Ganondorf's face gave way to one of horror, as the green man adjusted himself to the fact that Bowser had in fact solved a crossword clue that he himself could not.

o o o

"Smell that land air!" said Captain Falcon, taking a lungful. "That's the smell of freedom!"

"That's the smell of captivity and death if we make a wrong move," whispered Sonic. "Did you think the LOVE would have forgotten about you?"

"Not for a second," said the Captain, beaming. "How could they ever forget me?"

"It's true," confirmed Zelda. "I've been trying for weeks, and I just can't do it."

The group looked back out to sea at where they knew the galleon was. By squinting slightly, they could just about see the shimmering outline that gave away the magical force field, hiding the vessel from view. It did not hide the green puddles in the water that informed all and sundry of the path Captain Falcon had taken.

The _Soren's Soul_ had drawn up to a relatively abandoned section of the beach. Inside, those disembarking were finally convinced to shed their trademark clothing for something less noticeable. Captain Falcon was too weak from nausea to resist, but Peach had moaned piteously about the loss of her favourite pink dress. It was only when Zelda had somewhat tactlessly pointed out how filthy the garment had become over the course of their journey that Peach had reluctantly consented to don what she described as "ship rags". The eight had scrambled in a rather ungainly fashion down the gangplank and into plain view of the sunbathers.

Vermillion City was a seaside and trading city, similar to Lilycove in Hoenn. Its large shining ocean liners visited every part of the globe, bearing tourists and products made by Kanto's endemic Pokémon. On a different part of its shoreline, pristine yellow sands were popular among both fishermen and holiday-makers, who lazed about in the hot noonday sun as if the LOVE's oppressive regime was something of another time and place.

"So Pokémon trainers catch Pokémon in digital capsules called Pokéballs," said Sonic, leaning towards Meta Knight, "and then make them fight? And this is legal?"

"Always has been," said Meta Knight, from underneath a thick t-shirt that hid his dimensions nowhere near as well as his Captain Cape disguise. "Pokémon rights campaigners have always been met with the argument that the Pokémon enjoy it."

"And do they?"

"It's certainly true that once a Pokémon is captured, most will be loyal to a strong enough trainer. And they do look happy when they win."

"I've always wanted a Chansey!" said Peach, looking at a bipedal pink blob bearing an egg. "They're so kind and caring!"

Zelda said nothing, but clenched her dainty fists at the unfairness of the system.

The group wandered down the beach, getting used to both their disguises and the animals around them. Many of the people on the beach had brought their pets with them, and person and Pokémon coexisted cheerfully. The monsters came in an incredible variety of forms – some were visibly animal, some looked more humanoid, others resembled plants and one little boy was happily playing catch with what looked like a possessed puppet, which cackled maniacally when the boy missed a throw. Pit had to forcibly restrain a hungry Yoshi (whose massive nose was covered inexpertly by a veil) from assaulting a pair of sentient cherries. Only one thing was peculiar – none of the Pokémon owners were female.

"They have incredible abilities," said Meta Knight, watching the bobbing fruit. "Some can spit fire, or water, or thunder. Others are incredibly strong, or have psychic powers like Mewtwo. To think that trainers can…"

He stopped mid-sentence and turned his yellow eyes towards the cloudless blue sky. The others stopped with him. Seagull-like monsters wheeled and cried overhead. For a moment, it was if the world was bathed in a long, blue silence. When Meta Knight spoke again, it was in a slightly awed, blue tone.

"I think I'd like to sit down for a while, if that's all right. I'm feeling… blue."

o o o

They sat in the blue café with their blue cups of coffee (and Yoshi's blue orange juice), each feeling somewhere between a light cyan and a deep rich indigo. As blue people and the occasional blue Pokémon wandered through, they sat in a stunned, azure silence.

None of the group were natural synesthetics, yet there really was no word to describe the way they felt not referring to the colour derived from electromagnetic radiation with wavelength between 440 and 490 nanometres. Besides…

"Just so I know, does the world look blue to everyone else?" asked Pit.

The others slowly nodded. The movement of Yoshi's nose knocked over his orange juice, spilling blue liquid over his blue veil.

"Just so _I_ know, does anyone else feel an overwhelming urge to head north?" asked Peach, stirring her drink bluely.

Another round of blue nods. Peach took a long, slow sip of the murky blue liquid in her mug, and watched the blue haze engulfing her world slip away like early morning mist, or a man on a banana skin. The feeling tugging her northwards dissipated at the same rate as the blue. Viewed without the filter, the world seemed almost pink and fluffy in comparison.

From the bewildered expressions on her fellow travellers' faces, it was clear that the same change had occurred to them. Pit's face slowly cracked into a smile, and he gave a short laugh as the blueness dropped its hold. The others, after a brief period of confusion, followed suit, grinning inanely as if they had just seen the aforementioned man careening away on his peel. Only Zelda's face remained unchanged.

"So, we going north or what?" said Pit, completely unable to maintain the emo veneer he usually tried to put forward and smiling like an orang-utan who has just heard that the logging industry has gone bankrupt.

"Yeah!" enthused Wario. "Let's go north!"

While the other LOL members cheered enthusiastically and pushed their chairs away from the table, Peach sidled up towards her fellow royal, who was as serene as a dead monk floating on a calm sea.

"How come you never seem to feel anything?" she hissed, the merriment caused by the sudden lack of blue swiftly draining. "Are you really a robot under those rags or what?"

"I don't know what a robot is," said Zelda, seemingly unaware of Peach's bile.

"Didn't you even feel the blue sensation?"

"Oh yes. As much as you did, probably."

"And you don't feel happy now?"

"I am always happy, because the Goddesses of Hyrule are with me. But let me ask you this, princess: if you were asked to go to a party, and you didn't know who by, and there was any sort of risk that Bowser had sent the invitation, would you be happy to go?"

Peach contemplated this as Zelda placed a handful of coins on the table and glided out.

"Based on past experiences," she said, glumly, "I probably would. And then I'd get imprisoned, and Mario would rescue me, and I'd make exactly the same mistake the next time. As would you."

"Of course. Forgive me. I forgot that when it comes to being ambushed, us Nintendo princesses are complete numpties."

Two large blue eyes watched them depart.

o o o

Time passes.

But how did it pass? As the ragtag bunch made their way north through Vermillion City to the sprawling metropolis of Saffron, then further to mountainous Cerulean, fending off attacks from both wild and trained Pokémon, how did it affect the group? What did they think?

Time, I think, for some shoehorned-in character development.

Whoa, this planet just gets weirder by the day. How can one world produce both the ultra-moral Zelda and a culture where enslaving animals is encouraged? Weirdsauce.

Know what else is really weird? Wearing this disguise. Because, you know, I want everyone to see my face. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, for Gods' sake! I'm, like, the biggest hero ever! I ran – _ran_, on my own two feet – to another planet! And now I have to hide myself under this massive hat. I could do circuit training on the brim. And if I move faster than a crawl (well, a crawl for me, which is faster than Sparrow could do in his dreams) it blows off, so it's like instead of wearing a hat, I'm wearing concrete sneakers. Speaking of which, I should probably buy new ones. These have holes in.

So Vermillion's nice, I guess. Very sea-like. I'm not too big on the sea myself, seeing as I can't swim (but at least I don't hurl non-stop on ships like some), but whatever floats your boat. (Hey, that's pretty funny!) What really gets me is the Pokémon trainers. As soon as we even walk in front of them, they run up (and this is every one, almost without exception) and demand a battle. And then we're like, "Hey, we don't have any Pokémon, dude, chill," and they're like, "Don't lie to me! If you don't have any, we'll attack _you_!" And it's not like we can call in the police, 'cause they might report us to LOVE, so usually we beat them up ourselves. At some point, someone's gonna get suspicious about how some normal-looking guys can set their hands on fire and shoot magic arrows, and how a little kid whose face is always hidden can be so good with a sword. I can't do much, 'cause I'd lose my disguise if I started spinning.

I'm kinda wondering what's gonna happen now. I mean, I know that _now_ we're going north because the blue stuff in our brains told us so, but after that? I'm stuck in a planet a million miles away from home, and I can't get back because of the barrier and I burnt up the Chaos Emeralds, and I'll either be stuck wearing a disguise and going slow or having to go fast all the time to escape the LOVE who are coming after me. I don't mind running all my life, but you know, I'd like a home to go back to. We could always try and beat the LOVE for good, but I kinda get the feeling the secret to beating them fell off the Halberd with Snake…

It could be worse, I guess. At least I'm with friends. Well, sort of friends. I mean, there's been no excessive falling out so far. Hey, look, there's a little souvenir shop.

S S S

It's not FAIR! All I wanted was like one packet of sweets in the shape of Squirtles, and I would have paid for them myself if I could! And the Captain must have like loads of money stowed away in his bank account from all those races! But he's like, "Nooo, it rots your teeth and it's my money." It's like he's my dad and I'm like five or something. I'm like basically a man now; I can take care of myself! I can make mature, responsible decisions! It's not FAIR!

Still, at least it's fairer than being back with Palutena's bodyguard. Stuck all day in her chamber, guarding her fat tummy, and when I want one little favour… I saved her precious kingdom twice. I was the leader of her bodyguard, the captain of her army. I ought to be allowed like one small thing! Bet she's totally lost without me.

Besides, I'm basically travelling with the gods now (literally if Zelda's right). Meta Knight, Captain Falcon (a.k.a. Captain I'm-Not-Gonna-Buy-You-Anything), the two really hot princesses of the biggest countries in the world… It's totally awesome! And travelling through Kanto's pretty cool too. Lotta beating up Pokémon, but the Captain says they're basically just computer programmes so that's okay.

We left Vermillion not so long ago, and now it's like a trek through these grassy fields. This guy in a baseball cap said he was a fisherman, and he sicced what looked like some sea slug on us, and Sonic ate it! "I'm a hedgehog," he cried, "What do you expect?" LOL! (Hey, that's us!) So the fisherman got a bit upset, and ripped Sonic's hat off. That was kinda awkward, but Captain Falcon punched him on the head and I don't think he'll remember anything when he wakes up. The Captain's nice – he looks out for us. (Even if he is like the stingiest guy in the WORLD! Does he remember how I saved his life in the temple?)

I'd quite like a Pokémon of my own, but I don't think Zelda would allow it. She doesn't like trainers much. What I really want, though, is to stop the LOVE. Like, as soon as possible. And this trek up north is fun and all, and we were like asked to go there by some strange blue force, but it's like we're like totally forgetting what we're actually meant to be doing and instead running around in disguise. I wanna know when we're actually gonna get back to fighting the LOVE, so I can be like a hero again. Being a hero's awesome.

There's like some huge city thing in the distance now, and Peach's saying that it's Saffron City. She's sooo hot. Hope Captain Stingybird will actually let me buy something here.

P P P

Fuck, I wish that kid would stop pestering me about buying him things! Squirtle sweets this, Ivysaur action figurines that… Shut up, kid! I'm trying to think about cars here! Wonder how my ships are doing. If Luigi's laid a hand on my Blue Falcon I'll fucking kill him! Also, if anyone in Hyrule's got into the temple and laid a hand on my Falcon Flyer I'll fucking kill them! Yeah!

This travelling thing sucks balls. I mean, sure, I'm travelling with two totally fit babes, but if I so much as eye them up Meta Knight shoves his sword up my nose, not to mention that Wario keeps hitting on one and the other's far too straight-laced. Won't allow us into any of the bars because we "have to keep our guard up" and "drink is the work of Ganon". After we got into Saffron, they had an open day at the Fighting Dojo, and we watched all the ripped Pokémon beat the hell out of each other (although obviously my muscles were the most impressive there), and Zelda just sat there in silence staring at her chest. Not that I blame her – I've done that before.

Actually, I'm thinking about settling down. Not that I can't handle life in the fast lane, oh no! But I'm thirty-eight, and I ain't getting any younger. I think I'd like to have kids. Sons, preferably. That way I can teach them to love cars and hot babes like their old (but not too old) dad, and they can look up to me like Pit does now. It's kinda nice, having someone looking up to you like that. Kinda endearing. When he looks at me that way, it makes me feel sorta fuzzy inside. Although I'd rather it was a hot girl, obviously! (I'm not gay.)

Night's falling now, and it's about time we got some sleep. We're packed together in two pokey little rooms in this smelly motel in downtown Saffron, four in each room. Yoshi and Meta Knight are so lucky – they get to bunk up with the girls. I get Wario above my bunk, snoring and stinking up the place, Sonic tapping his foot in his sleep, and Pit singing about cutting himself. Sharing a room with three guys. Great. (I'm not gay.)

I'm well tired – we've been walking and beating up Pokémon all day, and I had to knock out some stupid fishing guy 'cause Sonic ate his pet slug, and I've had Pit calling me "Captain Stingybird" and Sonic with his "Captain Sparrow" ringing in my ears. And then Peach dragged us around the massive Silph Co. building, 'cause apparently they used to be a really big company before the LOVE basically took them over. Boring as fuck. If only Silph Co. had designed racing vehicles.

Hope I have that dream about racing vehicles again.

F F F

…Powerfulle Din, wyse Nayru, courageouse Farore, in yore Mercie, hear my Prayre. Powerfulle Din, wyse Nayru, courageouse Farore, in yore Mercie, hear my Prayre. Powerfulle Din, wyse Nayru, courageouse Farore, in yore Mercie, hear my Prayre. There. Hopefully the Goddesses will bless us with a good night's sleep.

Bless the others, anyway. I cannot rest. I'm unable to get over how barbaric this country is. Granted, I have visited before, but I never realised quite how disgusting it was. The enslavement of wild creatures, to be used to fight each other for the amusement of their owners… It's like something the LOVE would do, and yet it's been going on for years, and they accept it. I don't think I've seen anything more horrible than that Fighting Dojo tournament in my entire life. No, I'm wrong, but it isn't far off. And the monsters that attack us on command of their cruel masters… It pains my heart to see it.

Why are this group so blind? They wander like sheep after an impulse conveyed to their simple minds from Goddesses know whom, completely forgetting our main task – to free the nations of the world from the tyrannical slavery of the LOVE. Such short-term minds! Do they not see the posters on each and every wall, not hear the LOVE reports from the loudspeakers, not see the armed guards wandering these streets? I suppose those who are capable of shutting out the love of the Goddesses are also capable of shutting out this level of propaganda.

Nonetheless, through the grace of the Goddesses our misguided journey takes us closer to my nation. I can almost see it now, over the mountains, from where I stand just outside our grotty inn. I made a promise, to the Goddesses, my people and my nation, that I would free them and their hero from the cruelty of the LOVE. And although we may be wandering in the wilderness now, I intend to keep that promise.

I hope he's okay. I hope he can forgive my sins. I hope he can see that I had no other choice…

There! Just a glimpse from behind that skyscraper, but I did see something! I knew it – we are being followed.

Z Z Z

More walking. I ain't built for walking. I'm built for sitting on top of mounds of treasure, lord and master of all I survey. Meta Knight mentioned a Pokémon called Snorlax – apparently, it weighs 400 kilos, it eats and sleeps all day, and it only ever moves to mate. He said I'm the human version. I think that was meant to be insulting, but it sounds like a pretty good life to me.

Last night wasn't so bad. We bought some sauce that I thought was tomato and cooked the pasta as a midnight snack. Turns out it was "Tamato", a really hot berry that grows around these parts. We all had steam coming out of our ears, but the pasta tasted so good it didn't matter (apart from Pit, who ran out of the room breathing fireballs). Bad news is I don't have much money left, and I bet my bank account's been disabled. I suppose it doesn't matter much, since all our money gets pooled anyway. Hands know what we'll do when the cash runs out. Sonic's stones, I guess. (What beauties!)

Breakfast was pretty standard fare. The inn did eggs and sausages, but no fresh fruit. Yoshi wasn't too pleased, but there are berry trees everywhere around here. (I guess it's closer to the equator.) So he nipped out and got some, but they were from someone else's garden so we had to pay anyway. Stupid dinosaur. He head-butted me when I called him that. Still hurts a bit.

Then we packed up and off on the road again, straight north out of Saffron. Barely had time to get my breath back. Damn my slow metabolism. I used to do as much exercise in a day as Peach has done in her life, and look at her! I'm shaped like a dumpling, while she's pretty as a picture. I wish I could tell her that, but somehow whenever I try it just comes out as smutty. Not that it matters – she wouldn't look twice at me. "I'm ugly and I smell." Her words.

I keep looking over our shoulder as we walk down the crowded streets. All these LOVE messages make me uneasy. I'm a LOVE traitor, and the only thing worse than someone who opposes the LOVE is someone who opposes the LOVE who used to be a member. I keep thinking someone's following us. I don't wanna disappear. I still think the LOVE's too big for us to fight – there are eight of us against an entire planet of them, and who knows what else besides. I just hope this disguise holds. My moustache is growing back and I don't have a razor.

Hard work though travelling is, it takes my mind off our impending doom a bit. We all walk along, and then Captain Falcon starts singing, and we all join in, and then everyone stares at me because I'm singing out of tune. Never had much of an ear for music. But five minutes later it's forgotten and we're merrily on our way again. It's almost like having friends.

W W W

I wish Wario would stop trying to join in the singing. He keeps throwing us all off. Meta Knight can't sing, but he knows he can't sing and clams up. Wario doesn't.

Ugh, I look a mess! The sooner we defeat the LOVE and I can throw off these old rags, the better. The Toadstools do not wear ship's smocks! I bet I look hideous. I've noticed the Captain doesn't look at me so much… No! Let's not talk about him. Let's talk about something else.

Tedious journey, this. All grass and wild Pokémon and the occasional trainer. The one highlight was when we passed a Pokémon Daycare Centre. The guy there had some baby Pokémon – they were _so_ sweet! There's this little pink one that's called "Cleffa", I think, and it's basically a pink star with big sweet eyes. It was utterly adorable! Even the Captain said so, although with the usual "I'm not gay" qualifier. I think he's getting broody, tee hee! Oh gosh, I really hope he's not gay.

Ahem. I've noticed that Zelda, Meta Knight and Wario all keep looking behind us, as if something's wrong. Wario's probably just scared that the LOVE are going to grab him (although if I were them, I wouldn't try it from behind – the gas that end gives off is enough to kill a skunk), and Zelda's always a bit paranoid, but I wonder what MK's looking out for. His ship, maybe? Nah. He's not as obsessed as that idiot Falcon. Going on about his cars and how fit they are. Bet he'd look at me if I was a car…

Stop it, woman! For God's sake! As soon as one attractive man appears on the scene, you completely fall to pieces! Are you really that shallow? So what if he's fit as hell, with massive muscles and that adorable curly hair? He's also totally self-obsessed – no, not self-obsessed, obsessed with his vehicles! That whole thing about "trios" with his vehicles? EWWW! And the way he was cheering during that Fighting Dojo event? Has he got no morals? I could see Zelda hated it. Maybe he was just doing it to piss her off? I know I would. Maybe he knows that I would, and was doing it for me. That's so sweet of him…

No. You know what lies ahead of you. You're going to find Mario, make him Mr. Toadstool, Prince of the Mushroom Kingdom and live peacefully and happily in the palace. You love him, right? Right. Always have, always will. Hey, that looks like Cerulean City up ahead. They say it's beautiful, all rivers and rugged mountainous scenery. Wish I had a camera.

Come on, please look at me again…

T T T

I'm surrounded by idiots. The moment we enter a new city, they vanish off in their different directions as if they don't have a care in the world. Sonic dashes off to run around like a mad creature (with one hand clamped to his hat), Pit runs away to ogle souvenirs, Peach runs away to ogle the scenery, the Captain runs away to ogle attractive women, Yoshi goes to harvest all the berries, and Wario just slumps down on the grass exhausted… Only Zelda and I seem capable of maintaining our control, and Zelda spends half her time with her eyes shut, praying to her goddesses. If they exist, Zelda, they abandoned all of us long ago.

Yes, Cerulean is a beautiful place, but I just cannot concentrate on that. Not with all the injustice going on around me. Taking a moment to look past the attractive façade, Cerulean is as poster-covered as anywhere else. Controlled, just like the rest of the world. That trainer there, he's wearing the purple and cyan uniform of the LOVE's forces. Best keep out of his line of vision – I don't want to have been dressed like a five-year-old all this way, only to have it ruined now.

Look there – those children, begging in the street. That boy has no legs. Taken off by the LOVE forces, I'll warrant, as a warning to their parents. It makes my blood boil, the indignity to which these poor people are subjected. And you, you joined them! You ruined the honour of the Meta-Knights in one stroke! You disgusting, worthless creature! All because of…

I am ashamed. It seems there are no depths to which petty revenge will not drive us. Were it not for the greater task in hand, then better to restore the honour of our kind and end my putrid, festering existence now. For the moment, I have a higher goal, and anyway someone with an ounce of sense needs to keep these morons on track. I bet they don't even suspect that we're being followed. If only I was sure, I would tell them, but a Meta-Knight does not make mistakes. And I am still a Meta-Knight, by the code if by nothing else.

Perhaps I should try to act like the others. Maybe I would feel better if I threw caution to the winds and explored the city, not caring about the propaganda that assaults me from every angle. I could go shopping. Maybe I could buy some new gloves. If only the whole business didn't seem so shallow and worthless. I wonder why none of the Pokémon trainers seem to be women.

Hang on – ahh. The blueness again. I feel it drawing us west, towards the mountains. It is the only lead we have now. Lead on – we will follow.

M M M

This province produces a veritable cornucopia of berries! Why, it's a gastronomic delight for any being gifted with taste buds! Even up here, in the mountains, the berry plants grow, their roots clinging onto life and absorbing what nourishment they can glean from the bare earth. It is only right that I aid in the distribution of their seeds by consuming as many as I can (even if my tongue is limited by this ridiculous veil, which any creature with half a brain would see through in an instant anyway), and foolish of my companions to attempt to hinder it.

That said, foolishness is par for the course with them. My brain stagnates in its current company. I, a dinosaur with an exemplary grasp of mathematics and the sciences, a rich cultural library and comprehension of fourteen languages (ranging from excellent to conversational), am ignored at best or treated like a half-witted dunce at worst, simply because my vocal apparatus has evolved insufficiently to process the same variety of sounds as theirs! "I'll give him a pat later" – that from Sonic, back in Archanea. It rankles to this time. To treat me like some sort of domestic animal, as if I am a Pokémon, to be trained and made to follow the will of an inferior being… It is insufferable. And now, to have the angelic one using my back as a howdah, merely because it is our tradition to bear ceremonial saddles and because "he's like exhausted" (as a result of sprinting about Cerulean like a cheetah on amphetamines, no doubt), is the addition of insult to grievous injury! I permitted him to ride on me once in order to escape the collapsing tunnel, as a favour, and if I could but move my mouth correctly I'd inform him of this!

I miss my island. I have heard nothing of it since my departure almost a month ago, and in these times of global turmoil no news is most distinctly bad news. I can only hope both that the defensive force has held up against the inevitable onslaughts of the LOVE and that David is governing wisely in my stead. He is an intelligent being, if inept at languages.

Hello, what have we here? An opening in the rock, and an inscription beside it. How I wish I could read the common tongue, but that has always been a stumbling block in my attempts to broaden my knowledge of human culture. Meta Knight says that it is "Mount Moon" and that we must penetrate its depths. Let us hope that it is not far to our destination – I despise caves and tunnels. For one thing, no fruit grows in them.

Y Y Y

And time passes.


	15. Part 15

Mount Moon…

From the surface, a massive rocky outcrop, dwarfing the rest of its range. Ancient legends claimed that by climbing it, one could touch the moon, and that the Pokémon who lived there originally came from there. Around the same time as these tales were being spun, the inhabitants of Kanto decided that it was a pain having to go through Pokémon-dug tunnels (with their high likelihood of collapse) to get from one side of the mountain range cutting Kanto in half to the other, and decided to create one of their own by cutting straight through the mountain.

More recently, when Pokémon training really took off, the mountain path was allowed to fall into disrepair, letting its native monsters move back in and producing a good training ground (for in a slightly twisted version of "survival of the fittest", Pokémon get directly stronger by battling others). In fact, it became so popular that a little shop was set up in a small open clearing off the path, selling refreshing drinks to trainers and their captives.

That brings us up until slightly more than a year ago, when the LOVE moved in and bought the shop (in the same way in which they "bought" Wario's castle and company). The new, LOVE-sponsored boutique sold inferior medicines at higher prices, and so quickly fell out of usage. The LOVE cordoned off the small plaza for "future development" which would probably never happen, and so the small square was a haven of peace and quiet for the few monsters that chose to relax there in the afternoon sun.

"Get in! Everybody IN!"

LOVE cordons mean nothing to some. Sonic leapt over the barrier, closely followed by Captain Falcon, Pit and Yoshi.

"Or out, I guess," Sonic said, squinting in the sunlight.

Meta Knight was next, attempting to remove the small blue bat-like monster that wanted to attach itself to his boots. He knocked it away with the flat of his blade, just as Peach staggered up against the barrier, trying to repel a couple more bats with her tennis racket.

"I HATE Zubats!" she yelled.

"I'll save you!" cried Pit and Captain Falcon, leaping towards her in the same instant. They were spared the trouble of having to get their hands (or in Pit's case blades) dirty by a fireball, which ignited both the Zubats and sent them fluttering to the ground. Peach muttered a word of thanks to Zelda, who repelled another flock with electricity emanating from her elegant gloves. There was the smell of frazzled blue fur.

"Are we all okay?" said Sonic, grateful it was not his fur.

"I think so," panted Meta Knight.

"WAAAH!"

Wario stumbled out into the sunlight, one Zubat attached by the teeth to his nose and another two fluttering around him, squeaking and looking for a vantage point.

"I thought we'd forgotten someone," remarked Sonic casually.

Yoshi ate one Zubat, turned it into an egg and threw it at the feasting one. It and its comrades fled back to the safety of the cave and hung there, upside-down, waiting for the group to dare to re-enter.

"I must have lost three litres of blood," wailed Wario, lying on the grass and clutching his butchered snout.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Meta Knight. "If you'd lost three litres you'd be dead."

"Where are we?" said Sonic.

They took a while to survey the derelict square with its small caves and abandoned shop, all the while trying to blot Wario's moans from hearing. Peach leant on a bench. It folded elegantly in on itself under her weight. Yoshi couldn't quite suppress a chuckle.

"Be quiet!" said the princess, reddening slightly. "A slight breeze would have done the same!"

A slight cyanity crept across the corners of their vision, before receding again.

"Well, whoever wants us to be here, we're here," said Sonic loudly, in the hope that someone would emerge.

The only noise was the crying of bird Pokémon far away and a small rockfall.

"We search the shop?" said Pit, trying to keep the tremors out of his voice.

The music seemed far away, and yet came from nearby. It was soft, gentle and utterly beautiful – a solo voice singing unintelligible lyrics, and at the same time as clear as a single bell.

"I think we've found our summoner," said Sonic, pointing to the cave from which the voice emanated.

They dashed eagerly towards the music's source, but as they approached the cave's mouth they slowed down to enjoy the heavenly sounds. It coursed through their weary bodies, soothing them, overpowering even Pit's emo metal. For the first time in ages, they realised how tired they were (except for Wario, who was always aware of how tired he was). Their footsteps became sluggish and unsteady.

"It's so beautiful," said Captain Falcon, yawning. "Reminds me of the lullabies my mother used to sing me."

"I could listen to it forever," said Peach, falling to the ground with a silly smile on her face.

Zelda fought against the song. "What magic is this, that can make sleepy babes out of us all?"

"'Snot magic," said Pit, curling around her feet like a cat. "'Sjust nice music. Just makes me wanna…"

Strong-willed as she was, Zelda was unable to both fight against the music and free her feet from Pit's embrace. As she diverted strength from her mind to her legs to remove the slumbering angel, the sweet melody flowed into her brain unopposed and took up residence there, rudely evicting conscious thought. The last thing it was able to register before diving out of her ear was, "Enough, Puff."

o o o

Ganondorf paced his room anxiously.

The green man had not slept well for almost a month now. A grey figure plagued his thoughts, following him and mouthing "bang". He could not close his eyes for fear of seeing the face of the psychic exploder emblazoned on his eyelids.

It was starting to show. His crossword skills were getting worse and worse (to the extent that Bowser was getting clues he could not), his plans for further assaults on Archanea looked like nonsense to everyone else (and to him half the time), and the castle guards, used to a genial if insincere smile when they entered, now drew lots to determine which unlucky soul would bring the troubled wizard his breakfast today.

He spent his days mostly pacing the room until he had worn his brain out with worrying about why his squads had not found the man yet. After carefully feeling that his bed was still there, he would lie down and fall into a fitful, dream-plagued sleep. He was reaching that stage now. Having not slept at all the previous night (he had distracted himself by drawing up plans for another attack on Archanea, before throwing it away because it was gobbledegook), his brain was deciding that it was just about worth risking a vision of Snake in order to partially recharge. He yawned broadly and dropped one hand to the level of where his mattress ought to be. It was there. Kicking off his boots, he swung himself onto the bedstead and under the duvet, and tentatively closed his eyes.

BANG.

No, not BANG. RING. He had forgotten to turn his computer off, and somebody wanted to talk to him. It would be Bowser. Why did it have to be Bowser? It was always sodding Bowser.

Ganondorf hurled his big green body out of bed, into his boots and towards the screen. It was indeed LordBowserKoopa1. Feeling exceedingly long-suffering, Ganondorf quickly ran a comb through his hair, adopted a relaxed pose and contorted his grimace into his more habitual insincere smile before clicking on the camera icon.

"Ah, Bowser," he said, beaming at the Koopa King's face. "How wonderful to see you. You're looking well."

"Good grief, Ganondorf, your forehead gem is barely glowing!" said Bowser, all solicitude. "Are you all right?"

"Never better, my dear tortoise," said Ganondorf, packing as much malice into the word "tortoise" as he could without breaking the grin. "I was just up rather late last night devising the next attack on Archanea."

"Late last night?" said Bowser's appalled-looking visage. "This isn't like you. The Ganondorf I know would have been able to devise an effective attack strategy in two seconds flat! Are you sure you're okay?"

The grin cracked not an inch.

"Bowser, you must understand that circumstances have altered – not with me, but with what I have to work with. Up until recently, I have had the Halberd, Galleom and our Marth to carry out my schemes. Now, until we can reclaim the first two and recreate the latter, I have command over nothing more than a rather ineffectual army of our own troops."

Bowser lapsed into silence. Ganondorf's smile became a tad more genuine as he saw that he could still outfox his fellow LOVE bigwig when at his nadir. He decided to press the advantage.

"Besides," he continued, "I don't even know what I'm up against. Reports from the last attack state that the 'League of Legends' were aiding the Mercenaries in their efforts. Destroying simple swordsmen and archers is one thing, but this little group is quite another kettle of fish. You remember what they did at our conference."

The sincerity of Ganondorf's grin diminished in direct proportion to the broadness of Bowser's.

"Glad you bring that up," said Bowser. "It was precisely this 'LOL' I wish to talk to you about."

"Oh yes."

"My sources tell me that they are currently marching north through Kanto."

"How lovely," said Ganondorf, his smile creaking almost audibly. "And you felt the need to inform me of this because…?"

"I thought you would be interested to know that Rayquaza is about to eliminate this 'dysentery'," said Bowser, his reptilian face wreathed in smiles. "Besides, who knows? Maybe they know where Snake is."

The smile had been taut for a while, and now it shattered.

"That's super," snapped Ganondorf, "and now that I know it, maybe I can get back to… work without being interrupted."

"Oh, of course," said Bowser, suddenly completely serious again. "You must be a very busy man. Good luck with planning the Archanean attack!"

Ganondorf closed the chat programme without saying good-bye, strode over to his bed and fell onto it without even taking his boots off or checking whether it was there. He was barely bothered by BANGs as he felt his mind rapidly borne away on the wings of sleep.

RING RING.

Ganondorf leapt over to the computer with a howl of rage and clicked the camera icon without bothering to make his toilette.

"Just thought I should say," said Bowser's concerned tones, "you should really get some sleep before you go back to work. You look terrible."

o o o

A cheerful melody met Zelda's conscious thought as it reclaimed its place inside her skull. She smiled merrily at the jaunty air…

That timbre! That pitch! That voice!

She was on her feet in an instant. In another instant, she had donned her blue outfit and white mask, and in another she was staring down her captor.

It was hard not to stare down her captor, who came up to her knees. It consisted mostly of two large green eyes, apparently embedded in a creature consisting entirely of marshmallow. It had small stumpy legs and arms, and tiny mouth dwarfed by its eyes and a curl of what might have been hair between two feline ears. It currently carried a wet sponge, but when it saw itself being menaced by a blue ninja it dropped the sponge and waved happily.

"Jigglypuff!"

Zelda did not budge an inch, and kept her handful of needles aimed right between the creature's eyes. It looked curiously at the sharp spikes, its mouth a perfect circle. Then, at length seeming to divine that it was being threatened, it hardened its glare and inhaled strongly. Suddenly, it had doubled in size and now came up to the princess' waist.

"Jiggly, I told you not to do that. It gives the rest of us less air."

"Jiggly" exhaled glumly and shrank once more. In contrast, Zelda's magically red eyes seemed to double in width.

"Shnrrk?"

The princess had blue eyes once more and was back in her dress, and ran towards the far end of the cave where a dark figure reclined on a bed of moss.

"Hey there," said Snake, before relapsing into a coughing fit.

Zelda thought about throwing her arms around the man, but the hacking cough warned her against it. Instead, she simply descended beside him on bended knee and smiled warmly.

"We thought you were dead," she said simply.

"I owe my life to Jigglypuff there," he gasped, pointing at the retreating blob. "It found me after I fell from the Halberd, just outside the mountain path. Somehow it brought me here, and I've been safe ever since."

"Truly, it is a miracle you survived!" cried Zelda, her eyes turned to heaven (or possibly the cave roof). "Thank the Goddesses that you remain intact!"

"I already did that," said Snake.

"Thank them again."

Jigglypuff bustled between them and put the newly cool sponge on Snake's forehead. He showed his gratitude by almost sending the blob flying into the wall with another coughing fit.

"Wait until all the others wake up," said Snake with a weak smile. "I've got a lot of stuff to tell you."

Zelda turned, and saw seven sleeping figures on mattresses of moss.

"WAKE UP!" she yelled, running towards them. "IT'S SNAKE! HE'S ALIVE!"

"That wasn't quite what I meant," said the eponymous, holding his head in pain.

Zelda's voice did not have the punch of Captain Falcon's alarm. Rather, it had the punch of a small bird struggling to fly in gale force winds. It woke Meta Knight, but since Meta Knight was never more than half asleep anyway this would have been scant consolation to the bird. The other six dosed on blissfully.

"Awaken."

That is, they dozed on blissfully until this one word was pumped directly into their minds. Almost at once, the other six slowly arose from bed as if awaking from a dream (as indeed they might well have been, but this simile is almost always used incorrectly in literature. Your Johnny Everychap awakes from a dream by opening his eyes, closing them again, grumbling and looking at the alarm clock to check if he can snatch a few more hours sleep without the boss having a hernia. He might leave his eyes open a bit longer and pant if the dream was bad, but the general pattern is still the same. The slow rising and rapid blinking that the simile inaccurately refers to is the behaviour depicted here). Those who already had their senses about them detected a hint of blue around the corners of the word, and Zelda saw a silhouette at the entrance of the cave that swiftly disappeared from view.

"What the fuck was that for?" grumbled the Captain, after the rising and blinking had been accomplished.

"Snake's alive!" enthused Zelda.

"You woke me from the dream about racing vehicles to tell me _that_?" the Captain moaned, lying back on the moss and turning over.

"YOU!" growled Meta Knight, gliding towards Jigglypuff with his sword drawn. "Enchanter (or enchantress), your charmed life is at an end!"

"Will everybody stop trying to hurt my protector?" asked Snake. "Jigglypuff was singing me a lullaby. It's not its fault that you lot barged in at the same time."

Meta Knight hovered for a moment, before sheathing his sword and looking at Jigglypuff like a hunter watching the receding tracks of a hare long vanished o'er the horizon.

"Snake!" cried Sonic. Now fully awake, he dashed into the man's arms, causing a bout of wretched spluttering.

"Sorry," he said, letting go quickly.

"'Sokay, Sonis," wheezed Snake. "It's nice to have someone pleased to see me for a change."

"Son_ic_."

"We're all pleased to see you, Snake," said Peach in a voice like silver bells. She drifted towards the invalid, smiling warmly. "How are you?"

"I've got a temperature pushing 105, I can barely move my right arm and I'm finding it tough to breathe. Apart from that, never better."

Peach gave an awkward giggle, and joined Zelda by Snake's side. Jigglypuff squeezed herself between the two. As Peach cooed over the pink ball, the others closed in on the moss bed.

"Gather round, children," said Snake, with some difficulty raising himself into a sitting position. "Has Uncle Snake got a story for _you_."

"Ooh!" said Pit, clapping his hands. "I love stories! Does it have ghosts in?"

"Nope. It does have lots of sneaking around, reading private documents, silencing guards and narrowly avoiding capture by hiding in cardboard boxes."

"Boh-_ring_."

o o o

It was, actually. For all his dashing good looks, witty remarks and heavy artillery, Snake could be remarkably boring when he wanted to. This usually coincided with when he was relaying his stealthy exploits, like now. As the rambling tale reached its long-awaited conclusion, even Peach was having trouble stifling a yawn and the sun was sinking into its blanket of celestial condensation.

"…And that brings us up to now," concluded Snake. "Any questions, class?"

"Let me verify a few things," said a blue voice. "Firstly, Project Z is in fact the LOVE's cloning programme, by which they can make doubles of the heroes held captive from the Purges which obey their every command. This must be stopped before the LOVE get to the point at which they can mass-produce heroes and form an army.

"Secondly, the generator of the barrier around this planet is hidden in Porky's fortress in Eagleland. Although impermeable to your explosives, a bomb that can destroy it has been recently developed and now rests with one of our allies. You are asking these people to deliver it to the generator.

"Am I correct so far?"

It was another voice that was not in fact a voice but a projection of sounds into the mind, although it projected the colour blue strongly as well. It came from a blue creature sitting behind the audience, with a jackal-like head, black dreadlocks, yellow chest fur and blue fire springing from its handpaws.

"You are, as you well know," said Snake in an exasperated tone. "And your question is?"

"Why didn't you just tell them that and skip the tedious autobiography?"

The creature stood up and shook his black mane. He was all of four feet tall.

"I am the Pokémon Lucario, an aura Pokémon. I may be the only wild Lucario left. It was me who dragged you all the way here, for which I apologise."

"We guessed as much from the blue tone of…" The Captain trailed off, unable to say "voice".

"I can behold others' auras as you can mine," explained Lucario, raising his flaming paws, "and I can use my own to transmit messages to other people's. After Jigglypuff introduced me to Snake, then barely able to move at all, I took it upon myself to call those who he referred to as the LOL to his side."

"We're not called the LOL!" said Sonic angrily. "Why does everyone keep calling us the LOL? We don't make people laugh out loud – we make villains tremble in fear! We're not the LOL."

"These are sad times for the world of Pokémon," continued Lucario, as if no interruption had occurred. "The LOVE seek to control us for their own uses."

"Just like trainers have done for ages," said Zelda.

Lucario's eyes hardened. "You don't understand. For a Pokémon, to battle is natural. We fight each other in the wild, because that is how we become stronger. To do so for a trainer we respect, who has a powerful aura – well, why not? I had a trainer once."

Zelda was dumb.

"But the LOVE wish us to do more. They wish to make an army of our kind to preserve their global domination. Already, they use us to hurt people, something utterly against our nature. It has taken hold across the land – some Pokémon attack trainers as willingly as they do other monsters. Their auras are changing.

"Time is brief," he said, walking briskly towards the cave entrance and motioning others to follow. "We don't need lengthy speeches about the past. We need quick actions for the future. I will show you a path over the mountains to Eagleland. On the way, you will meet with one I know who has developed the bomb that will destroy the generator. Come with me."

"Good-bye, Snake," said Zelda, bending down and kissing his hand. "Thank you for all you've done for us."

"Except the story," said the Captain over his shoulder. "That was shit."

"Good luck, everyone," said Snake, waving from his bed. "Apart from Captain Falcon, who I hope is brained by falling rocks as he exits."

On the back of this last comment and the tedium that had preceded it, Peach was unable to discern how she felt about Snake. Torn between two actions, she eventually gave a stiff wave and ran out, almost sweeping Jigglypuff away in her skirt.

"I suppose it was a bit tedious," said Snake gloomily to himself. "I was going to make it into a book, but who wants to read a novel with hundreds of pages about adventures on Nintendo? No one, that's who."

o o o

"Going somewhere, you pathetic worms?"

The LOL (or the group of people who definitely weren't the LOL) and Lucario were met by the unpleasant sight of a scrawny purple-clad man, preening his moustache and leaning nonchalantly on a bench.

"Not you again," said Wario. "Couldn't you just stay stuck up the tree?"

"I knew someone was following us!" said Meta Knight. "You've been on our tail ever since we left Vermillion, haven't you?"

"You give me far too much credit. I've only been tracking you since Cerulean."

Meta Knight's cheeks went red under his mask, as did Waluigi's under his cap when the bench broke.

"Who's this bozo?" asked Sonic.

"His aura is of blackest pitch," said Lucario.

Everyone else was too busy laughing at Waluigi to notice.

"Insolent wretches!" said the thin man, picking himself off the grass. "You'll regret laughing at me soon enough!"

Dusting his dungarees off, he grabbed a small ball, no bigger than an eyeball, from his belt. At the press of a button, it swelled to the size of an orange.

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

Waluigi tossed the sphere forwards with a ridiculously over-the-top pose. On contact with the ground, it burst in a flash of light, leaving behind a yellow mouse-like being with red checks, a zigzag tail and a malevolent light blue glare.

"Hey, it's the costume you wore to the garage!" said Pit to Captain Falcon, causing the Captain's cheeks to turn the same colour as the Pokémon's own.

"That's a LOVE clone, made from Project Z!" cried Lucario angrily. "I can tell because it has a cyan aura. They must have cloned the Pokémon Champion's."

"So, it's you and one rat versus nine of us?" said Wario smugly.

"Pikachu, Thunder!"

Thunder is a Pokémon technique, and Pokémon techniques are complex things. They have types, so do more damage to other Pokémon depending on weaknesses and resistances, and have something called "same type attack bonus" which will boost a technique's power if it is the same type as the monster using it. They can be physical, special or other, determining whether the technique depends on Attack and Defence, Special Attack and Special Defence or neither. They have power and accuracy figures (which should be pretty obvious), they have Power Points (determining the number of times a given move may be used), then may be influenced by an object the Pokémon is holding or changes in the user's or target's statistics and, if the move does damage, there is a small chance that damage will double. This is not taking into account any secondary effects the attack might have a chance to cause.

That is for enthusiasts only. All you need to know is that Pikachu yelled its name and a 10-kilovolt shock leapt out of its cheeks, homed in on Meta Knight's extended blade and made him judder like a jelly in a broken lift.

"You know, Bowser wanted me to bring you in alive," sneered Waluigi, as Meta Knight collapsed to the ground smelling faintly of crispy duck, "but I think frying your brains might be more fun. Pikachu, Volt Tackle!"

The electric rodent's cheeks flashed white. It emitted another yell and was suddenly replaced by a blue ball of energy, which shot towards the terrified group and bounced harmlessly off a hugely inflated Jigglypuff. I say "harmlessly" – in fact it whizzed into a rock face, missing Waluigi's face by inches.

Jigglypuff's large eyes surveyed the minimal damage done to its massive body with disdain. Then it waved its stumpy arm in the vague direction of the mountain path, tucked its limbs in and began to roll on the spot.

"Everybody run!" said Lucario.

Yoshi grasped Meta Knight with high-resistance hands and put the small knight on his back. He then took off up the mountain path after the others, with Lucario watching the battle from the rear.

"You ain't going anywhere!" cried Waluigi. "Pikachu, zap them!"

Pikachu gave its trainer an "I'm sorry, I don't know how to Zap Them" look ("Zap Them" not being a Pokémon move), right before a pink ball eight times its size crashed into it and reintroduced it to Mr. Rock Wall.

"Pikachu!" yelled Waluigi.

He looked towards his stunned Pokémon, then at the pink ball giving him the evil (and very large) eye, then at his rapidly moving quarry.

"You come back… Wah!"

Out of nowhere, a small projectile came into contact with his cap and ignited it. The thin man running around, clawing frantically at his burning hat, was so funny that Jigglypuff could not help but laugh, in the process expelling all the air it had inhaled and bringing it down to Pikachu's size.

"Pika pi!" shouted the rodent.

A rough translation might be, "It's on, bitch."

o o o

"You sure Jigglypuff's okay back there?" asked Pit, using his wings to carry himself away from the conflict.

"She'll be fine," said Lucario. "She has a strong aura. We just have to get you to the person with the bomb."

"And who might that be?" said Peach, suddenly grateful that her heels were back on board the ship.

"I think it might be me."

There was a general screeching to a shocked halt.

"You?" exclaimed Sonic.

"I think that's what I said. And I use 'said' in the loosest possible sense."

With the robe off, the group could see Mewtwo for what it really was – a rather scrawny purple and white feline-esque biped, with a long tail and oddly camel-like feet. It also had, as it had previously mentioned, no sexual organs. This revelation, however, was all but ignored as the group stared at the object levitating by the cat's right hand.

It was a small pink and white bottle with a red top.

"It's… a gift capsule," said Peach carefully. "Like the ones the supermarkets give out in the run-up to Wintermas."

"You wouldn't give this to anyone you liked," said Mewtwo, allowing a flicker of the mouth that might have been a smile on anyone else. "All the work as a merchant allowed me to pump a lot of money into explosives research. This will destroy the LOVE's precious barrier completely."

"So we've been paying for this thing?" asked Sonic.

"Indirectly, yes. When you bought my bombs, invisibility and the pasta…"

There was a harsh squawking sound. When the group on the mountain turned, they looked upon hundreds of bird, insect and dragon-based Pokémon, hovering ominously over the mountain and with every eye fixed on the fugitives. Several sported purple or cyan adornments.

"Rayquaza's minions," said Lucario with venom. "Waluigi must have told the serpent in advance. Their aura is a malevolent crimson."

"Look at all the pretty wings," burbled Meta Knight.

"Mewtwo, take this lot to Eagleland," said Lucario. "If you can go with them and destroy the barrier yourself, so much the better."

"You're going to take on all of them on your own?" said Peach.

"That's the idea," said Lucario. "Unless you want to stay and watch the power of aura."

"No, we're good," said Sonic. "C'mon, gang! Step…"

"If you ask us to 'step it up' one more time, I will ram that capsule down your throat," said Captain Falcon.

"…along the mountain path?"

The first of the charge was almost upon them now – malevolent black hoverflies with gold masks, rocky dragons and oversized robins with blue backs. As they closed in and the LOL scampered across the mountains, Lucario's eyes began to glow gold, while the fire around his hands turned silver.

"THE AURA IS MINE!"

Miles away, back in Cerulean, a caterpillar Pokémon was rudely knocked off its leaf by a shockwave.


	16. Part 16

"So you found them," said Bowser, rubbing his hands with glee. "Excellent. And I trust they have been taken care of?"

"Er…"

Waluigi looked around him – at the panting Pikachu, the gently smoking Jigglypuff, the smouldering remains of his hat and the total lack of anyone else in the clearing. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Well, Pikachu got one of them…"

"Which one?" asked Bowser, smoke rising from his nostrils.

"Er… Jigglypuff."

"Jigglypuff."

"A remarkable fighter, actually! Capable of swelling to many times its original size, possessing a devastating Rollout attack…"

"ENOUGH!" yelled Bowser, making Waluigi flinch. "Can you do nothing right, you disgusting lump of Pokémon dung? Tell me, is there one single thing you've managed to successfully accomplish?"

"Yes!" shouted Waluigi quickly. "Yes, yes, I forgot! I know where Snake is!"

There was an ominous silence. Waluigi could hear Bowser's heavy breathing down the line.

"He's right here in this clearing!" he blabbered, trying to fill the silence. "I overheard them talking, and apparently Snake's injured, so I can just walk in and capture him…"

"No."

"I, er… No?"

"No," repeated Bowser definitely. "Snake is Ganondorf's little niggling splinter. Nothing to do with us. Let the great speech-reader take care of it himself."

Waluigi wore the expression of a pig trying to comprehend trigonometry.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" said Bowser, back at top volume. "Get after them at once, you nitwit!"

"O-one more thing," stammered Waluigi. "Can Jigglypuffs breathe fire?"

"How would I know, you dunce? I'm not a trainer!" The line went dead.

"But if it can't," said Waluigi, scattering the hat-ashes cautiously with one foot, "who can?"

A strong breeze blew through the glade to the sound of avian screams.

o o o

Six months ago, on the battlements of Hyrule Castle…

Bowser stood above the prone figure of Solid Snake, still incarcerated by purple fire. Beside him stood Kammy Koopa, and beside her two Koopa Troopers were keeping the Koopa Clown Car hovering at the correct altitude for their lord to step into.

"Well, you certainly did something to petrify the great dark wizard," said Bowser, looming a bit. "Care to share it with the group?"

Snake rested his head on the stones and said nothing.

"Come now, Mr. Snake," said Bowser, prodding said head with a toeclaw. "Silence won't get you anywhere. What about those explosions? The Eyepaff transmissions we've lovingly intercepted say that you're an explosives expert."

Snake remained dumb.

"Ho hum, I suppose I'll have to guess then. Hmm. You come from a technologically advanced society, whereas Ganondorf does not. Ganondorf can use magic, whereas you (I presume) cannot. All right so far?"

Snake raised his bruised eyes.

"Oho? A flicker of animation? Why, Bowser, you're on fire today! (Pardon the pun.) So, is it fair to assume that you tricked Ganondorf into thinking that you possessed magical powers stronger than his, hm? Explosive magical powers, maybe? When really you had just planted some C4 around the room before he entered?"

"If you destroy me, you'll have Eyepaff down on your back like one of the ten plagues of Egypt," muttered Snake into the ground.

"I'm not going to pretend that I know what those plagues were," said Bowser, kicking a small stone off the battlements into the moat below, "but they'd better be strong enough to penetrate the barrier that we're going to be shortly erecting around the entire planet. And somehow, I don't think they are. So unless you want your end to be swift, brutal and to be filmed by Kammy here, I advise that you co-operate."

Snake looked up again. "You're not going to kill me?"

"_Kill_ you? Whoever gave you that idea?" said Bowser with a toothy grin.

"Ganondorf. Just now."

"Did he _really_."

Kammy produced a metal object. Bowser bent down so that his face was level with Snake's and about two inches away.

"Know what this is?" asked Bowser. His breath smelt of charcoal.

"Cypher."

"Well trained, this man," said Bowser to Kammy. "Answers a question without telling us anything. Now, I think this, which was removed from you when you entered the castle, is a small portable helicopter capable of bearing your entire weight. Correct me if I'm wrong."

There was no response.

"Oh good. I like being right. Now, suppose I was to free you from your bonds, give you this and drop you off the battlements, on the condition that you let me beat you up a bit so I have something to show Mr. Ganondorf McScaredypants. Would you accept?"

"Why are you doing this?" croaked Snake.

"Yes, why, your royal Mercifulness?" said Kammy. "Surely we want this maggot crushed up like a plumber under a Thwomp?"

"We do, Kammy," said Bowser, straightening up. "And considering how many times the Mario Bros. have failed to be crushed by our Thwomps, I demand you to release the maggot's bonds."

Shaking her head in disbelief, the old Magikoopa waved her sceptre and the dark rings vanished in a puff of purple smoke. Snake slowly raised himself, gazing uncertainly at the Koopa King's outstretched scaly hand.

"Do we have a deal?"

o o o

"So what is the aura anyway?" breathed Peach as they dashed across the mountain range.

"He sees it as some sort of fire erupting from a being, with different colours depending on their mentality," said Mewtwo, gliding effortlessly a few inches above the path.

"Is he high?" asked Captain Falcon.

This was met with silence, save for their footsteps and the calls of the nocturnal Pokémon beginning to emerge as the sun sank lower. A bone-chilling howl sounded in the south, making Pit's skin crawl.

"That sounds like the call of the grim reaper," he said in a quivering voice.

"Just a Pokémon," said Mewtwo with infinite calm.

"You listen to songs about suicide all the time," scoffed Sonic, "and yet you're afraid of the grim reaper?"

Pit said nothing, but turned his music off and tucked the player into his tunic. The cries reverberated off the rocky surfaces, providing an eerie backdrop to the group's journey.

"Oh great," said Sonic, as a drop of water bounced off his spikes. "Rain. Just what I needed!"

"The dark clouds are massing in the south," intoned Meta Knight. "And yet, in the north…"

It was true that a great storm seemed to be brewing towards the southeast, to the right of their path. Thunder sprang between the massive grey clouds, and a cold wind blew. Yet in the northwest, the opposite was true: the setting sun seemed to be getting brighter and hotter, and even higher in the sky. The two weathers met in the middle, where the group were, creating a bizarre microclimate between the two extremes.

Mewtwo drew to a stop, and the others with him.

"I am going to put up a protective screen in case something happens," he said, creating a shimmering barrier in the air around them. "This is not right…"

A blast of water powered into the screen from the right. At the same time, a massive stream of fire hit the screen from the left. Mewtwo closed his eyes and sank to the ground with the effort of keeping the barrier up under the onslaught.

"What's _that_?" cried Wario.

Seemingly forming itself out of the water, what looked like a giant toothed whale floated in mid-air, its tiny yellow eyes glowing brightly.

"What's _that_?" cried Pit.

Erupting from the earth came a massive red beast with black lines across his skin, lifting its massive claws and radiating heat.

"Yaroo yawo!" cried Yoshi, which roughly means, "Oh, I know what _that_ is."

Flying down from the clouds, Rayquaza took its place between the other two great Pokémon and looked down at the creatures below it.

"Pathetic snivelling Weedles!" it growled in a voice that was all thunder and tempest with hints of tornado. "You who try to stand in the face of the LOVE shall meet with doom!"

The serpent craned its neck back and inhaled strongly, but let the breath run out again from between its teeth as it saw the small floating figure ascending before it.

"What you do here?" it rumbled at Mewtwo. "Thought I killed you!"

"No, Rayquaza. You did not kill me with your Dragonbreath. But you did leave me very badly injured," said the cat calmly.

"And yet you come back," said the dragon, laughing. "You glutton for punishment!"

"Look at what you've become, you sad excuse for legendary Pokémon," said Mewtwo, looking round at the whale and the behemoth. "Following orders from these lesser mortals. You sacrificed your freedom and your lives to serve Rayquaza. And you, you cowardly snake, you gave yours to Bowser and Ganondorf."

"I in command of all Pokémon land!" roared the dragon.

"You are the puppet of the wizard and the tortoise!" said Mewtwo, its thoughts full of contempt. "You who have mastery over the weather, bending and crawling before those who could not lift your tail! Call yourself a Pokémon? Pokémon serve those who are worthy. You serve those who are dirt!"

"Silence, criminal!" yelled Rayquaza, starting off a small avalanche on one of the higher peaks. "Kyogre, Groudon, destroy this infidel!"

"Yoshi, catch!" said Mewtwo, and dropped the capsule.

There was a heart-stopping moment while the explosive fell, but Yoshi's tongue deftly snatched it out of the air, and after a brief passage through the dinosaur's digestive system it was stored safely in an eggshell.

"What that?" demanded Rayquaza.

Mewtwo remained silent for a moment, suspended, looking at the slavering whale Kyogre out of one eye and the burning giant Groudon out of the other.

"Yoshi," it said, slowly, "your people will survive this."

"Kill it!" yelled Rayquaza.

"Peach, you will have your heart's desire."

Kyogre spouted water from its blowhole, gave an unearthly cry and began to move forwards.

"Zelda, he will forgive you."

Groudon's claws burst into flames as it launched itself towards Mewtwo.

"Wario, you will be accepted."

Mewtwo floated directly in the crossfire of the two charging beasts.

"Pit, she will be proud of you."

"I think we should move!" yelled Zelda above the tumult.

"Meta Knight, you will reclaim your honour."

The LOL dashed beneath the floating cat, down the path towards the stationary serpent.

"Captain, you will have vengeance."

Mewtwo began to glow, a strange yellow light that came from deep inside it and found an outlet through its eyes.

"Sonic, you shall go home."

Kyogre and Groudon were almost upon it now, Kyogre leaving a giant wave behind it that the inhabitants of Cerulean would talk about for days and Groudon splintering the earth under its feet. The LOL were well out of the way, but the beasts bore down unstoppably upon Mewtwo, who looked very small in comparison. Nonetheless, its thoughts rang out clearly into all their minds.

"I am the strongest being alive. Made by men from the first Pokémon ever to exist, I have power enough to rule this planet. Now, you are not attacking me from behind. Now, I see you clearly. I see those who would destroy me and all freedom in this world, and I say to them, take this message to your masters."

"Fall back!" yelled Rayquaza, but it was too late. Groudon and Kyogre had too much momentum to stop, and as they came within impact distance the light from within was reflected in their terrified eyes.

"Go fuck yourselves!"

BOOM.

o o o

It was like having a piece of spyware removed, but spyware that somehow made the system run smoother and gave added security, installed by someone one did not mind being spied on by, inserted so subtly one would not notice it was there until it was not. And the system was the brain.

It was not just the physical shockwave from Mewtwo's Selfdestruct attack that hit the running group. The mental impact was even more sudden, a horrible wrenching feeling in the mind. Continuing the escape was for a moment impossible. They had to look around to see the giants toppling slowly onto the mountains, while bits of Mewtwo rained down upon the landscape.

"NO!" cried Peach, far too late.

"Mewtwo…" said Zelda softly, shedding a single pearly tear for the Pokémon that had lost its life to save them.

"Behind us!" cried Meta Knight.

The group span around again to see the titanic form of Rayquaza charging down upon them, its eyes full of fire and its mouth not bereft of flames either. There was no room to dodge on the narrow path.

"We'll have to jump it!" yelled Meta Knight, his voice all but lost in the dragon's roar.

I mentioned earlier that Pokémon attacks have types, and how much damage an attack does is dependent on the target's weaknesses and resistances. Some of these are obvious – ice attacks will be weaker against a fire Pokémon, for example. Others are not so obvious, such as ice attacks doing more damage to a flying Pokémon, whereas others seem completely arbitrary, such as ice being more effective against dragon Pokémon.

Rayquaza, a dragon and flying Pokémon, was now hit by a blast of ice in an apparent deus ex machina. It hurt. So much, in fact, that Rayquaza's head was frozen solid and its body crashed onto the path.

"Well, that's handy," said Pit.

A jet of flame was expelled from the dragon's mouth, thawing the ice and nipping at Pit's tunic. He took a few quick steps backwards. The serpent shook its head, looked at the LOL and gave another roar. It took to the skies writhing, and was busy circling overhead when another blast hit its tail, creating a giant lump of ice on the end.

Rayquaza was a massive Pokémon as it was, and without any sort of visible propulsion system how it kept such bulk aloft was a question for the ages. Whatever method it used, it was not enough to keep the lump of ice in the air as well. With a Wile E. Coyote "turns out I can't run on air after all" look at the group, it headed quickly earthwards and crashed into the mountain range, its roar swiftly drowned out by the sound of 200 kilogrammes of dragon rolling down a mountain, followed by a loud rumble-de-THUMP and the sound of crow Pokémon being disturbed.

"Who's there?" called Meta Knight into the evening sky, looking around. "I know there's someone following us! Where are you?"

Only the Pokémon called in reply.

"Everyone," said Zelda with downcast eyes, "I think we should hold a minute's silence for Mewtwo, who let itself die that we may be saved. May the Goddesses…"

"It's not dead," said Meta Knight.

Zelda gave him an incredulous stare.

"Pokémon can't be killed by Pokémon techniques," continued the masked one, "and that includes their own."

"But we saw bits of him going everywhere!" protested Wario.

"Data fragments. Pokémon are part digital, remember? They'll be whisked off back to wherever Mewtwo came from and reassembled into him. Same with Groudon and Kyogre. Rayquaza's a different matter – that mountain isn't a Pokémon technique…"

"Oh," said Zelda, looking a bit upset that she would not have to say a prayer.

"How anti-climactic," said Peach.

"Hey, he still blew himself up for us!" said Pit. "It can't have been pleasant!"

"We're grateful, Mewtwo," said Sonic to the empty sky. "Thanks to you, we'll be able to reach Eagleland safely. Yoshi, you still got the capsule?"

Yoshi held the eggshell aloft.

"As long as it's safe in there. Let's take down the LOVE barrier!"

With muted sounds of agreement, they took once more to the mountain path, Meta Knight still scanning behind them for the mysterious ice creature.

"Hey, do we still have some sandwiches left?" asked Wario.

o o o

_I could not tell you how long I hung there for, miserable within myself. Time seemed immaterial when confronted with such dreadful failure, and indeed it was for one so used to creating fluctuations in its own perception of time. The only way would be to reverse my own timeline and measure, but my kind put regulations on going back in time for reasons more crucial than the possibility of killing those we spawned from._

_My mind was a brilliant one. Was I not the only member of a race of geniuses who had managed to travel to an alternate verse? (Certainly there were no records of any other.) Then certainly it must be possible to shield myself in some way from the waves of torture that washed over me every time I entered that portal. _

_I created myself shields out of every part of the mattergy spectrum, from walls of pure energy to blocks of dense matter, which were exhausting to make and maintain. None of them worked. Every time I devised a new protective device for myself, it was blown away the moment it faced the world beyond the door, which I had come to call "the Forbidden Land"._

_I resorted to more subtle methods. Maybe it was the door that caused the pain rather than the world outside. In which case, if the door was made of matter unconventional enough to repel my passing, perhaps it might be passed in unconventional ways? It bore a resemblance to the warps my people devised before they gained total mastery over space in that while another world was visible through it, there was nothing behind the portal save more purple space. I tried passing through the other side, which had no panels or door or anything save tentacles, but to no avail. I tried to teleport the door past me, but it stoutly resisted my attempts to move it. _

_I did succeed in opening the panels from a long distance away as I might have opened a regular door, and I could do this without ill effects. Surely a positive sign? I moved closer slowly, a few light-milliseconds at a time, feeling nothing other than fear of the pain and anguish. I was close enough to feel my radiation bouncing back off the tentacles. Then, one tiny push towards the Forbidden Land, and as if I had crossed a threshold I felt it all flooding back. All the rage, the sorrow, the loss… I moved out of reach again and shut the door remotely._

_I returned to my spot to think again, but let my time flow with that of my surroundings. There was another being floating in space with me. _

"_How long have you been trying to get through there?" it said. _

_Its voice did not rely on sound, somehow. No waves travelled through the purple space. Regardless of how it spoke I did not understand the words, but by analysing the signal I was able to comprehend their meaning and send a similar signal back, to the effect that I did not know._

"_It seems that you are a creature of SubSpace," said the other one. "The real world rejects you."_

_This was incorrect. I had a "real world" at home (a real verse, in fact), and told it so. _

"_Then you come from a world of SubSpace?" it replied. "Curious. You have then been sent from a world of SubSpace, either by your people or by yourself, to find out the secrets of other worlds. Would you like to see the world beyond the Gate of Souls?"_

_I did not understand the signal I now write as "SubSpace", analysing it along the lines of "UnderVoid", but I understood what "Gate of Souls" must refer to and sent a strong affirmative._

"_Very well. I shall show the one sent from the world of SubSpace how the world of Space looks. Come with me, SubSpace Emissary."_

o o o

On, on into the evening they ran. Across the mountains, leaping over streams, fighting off the occasional inquisitive Pokémon and robbing whichever trees were hardy enough to put forward berries, they made their way towards Eagleland, each with two questions in its head – "Was what Mewtwo said to me true?" and "What did those things it said to the others mean?"

Some were obvious – Sonic had been told he was going to return to Mobius again, the Yoshis would survive the conflict, and Captain Falcon would smack the LOVE about for stealing his vehicles. Others were more obscure – Peach's "heart's desire" was presumably Mario, but surely she needed to save him, not "have" him? And who would need to forgive Zelda? Someone who had been subjected to one of her sermons?

The increased number of stumbles, trips and (in Wario's case) rolls down steep inclines showed how distracted their minds were by the Pokémon's last (well, sort of) words. Only Meta Knight seemed to maintain his mental control, continuing to flit about like a distracted Zubat looking for their follower. Thus they continued until the Pokémon creeping up on them became legged mushrooms and snakes with chicken's heads, and they skidded down the last bit of the path towards what was undeniably a spectacular sight.

"What in the Hands' name is that?" said the good Captain.

Spectacular, but ugly. Gaudy neon lights shone out of the city gates, showing off a city filled with a bizarre mix of fairground attractions, shops, skyscrapers, cardboard cut-outs and statues of a fat child wearing a crown and with an open mouth, as if singing to the heavens. The whole place was decked out in purple and grey. Atop a hill in the centre, a spiked purple and black tower stretched into the heavens. That the same person had designed this place and Galleom was obvious.

"It's hideous!" continued the Captain. "It's as bad as looking at Wario! Almost."

Wario coughed, though it sounded strangely as if he had said "gay".

"WHADDID YOU SAY?" yelled the Captain.

"Shh!" hissed Zelda. "That tower must be Porky's headquarters. He might be listening to us even now."

"Well, let's go make some noise," said Sonic, grinning mischievously. He lifted one leg in preparation to dash off.

"Stop!"

Sonic fell over.

The others looked behind them to see two large eyes peering at them out of the darkness from behind a boulder. Meta Knight was the first to react, spreading his capewings and flying quickly towards the eyes, blade drawn. A moment later and the eyes were on the floor, looking up into Meta Knight's yellow slits.

"So, you're the one who's been following us all this time," he growled. "Well, now you've caught up with us. Aren't you lucky?"

"Meta Knight, he's just a kid!" said Peach from behind him.

"So is Porky. That's no guarantee of anything!"

The eyes filled with tears for a moment, and then the mouth below them started to cry. It began with small, half-repressed sobs, but these soon gave way to full moans and then loud wailing, while the eyes did their best Niagara Falls impression.

"They… could be… fake tears?" said Meta Knight awkwardly, getting off the child's chest.

"Nice work, genius," said Captain Falcon, pushing the knight to one side and kneeling down by the crying boy. "Hey buddy, was that you who helped us out with the dragon?"

The boy nodded, crying a little less now. At close range, he looked about thirteen but short for his age. He wore a red and yellow stripy t-shirt and blue shorts. His blond hair stood up on top of his head.

"Wow, that was nice of you," said the Captain, smiling warmly. "D'you want a Squirtle sweet? I bought them from a shop in Vermillion."

"What?" yelled Pit. "You bought some for yourself and YOU WOULDN'T BUY SOME FOR ME?"

The boy took the proffered sweet and bit the turtle Pokémon's head off, sniffing and wiping his eyes as he chewed.

"Lucas, isn't it?" said Zelda, taking the boy's other side. "Weren't you one of the Greil Mercenaries? How did you get all the way out here?"

"I followed you," said Lucas through a mouthful of turtle.

"What, all the way over Archanea? That was a long trek."

"I needed to be strong," said Lucas, clenching his fists and swallowing. "I needed to stop running. Porky took over my country, he took my friend, and I've just been running and crying. It's about time I did something."

"You see, it wasn't me stealing food on the ship!" said Wario triumphantly. "We had a stowaway."

"Yes, Wario," said Zelda. "I'm sorry I accused you."

Wario stood with his mouth open. Nobody ever apologised to him.

"Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you and all that, whoopee," said Sonic, tapping his foot. "Thanks for saving us from Rayquaza, blah blah blah, why did you tell us to stop?"

Lucas got unsteadily to his feet and pointed with a trembling hand at the city.

"That's just an illusion," he said. "A sort of 3D painting. Porky's using PSI power to put it into your minds. If I use this…"

He produced a small bluish-green pistol from his pocket and aimed at the city's outer wall. The pistol shot a beam of green light that passed straight through the seemingly solid wall without stopping.

"So… what's really there?" asked Sonic.

"See that statue?" said Lucas, pointing to the nearest effigy of Porky. "There are loads of them just past the 'wall', arranged in a sort of maze, and if anyone so much as touches one they'll stamp all over us."

"And we get through them how?" said Sonic, suddenly glad he'd stopped.

"You'll have to follow me. I can see them, so I can guide you through the maze. When we get to where the 'tower' is, we'll be fine."

"Farore's Winde!"

A green blur, and suddenly they were standing at the base of the black and purple construction, up to their waist in a stone slope. As they turned back, the mirage faded around them to reveal a grassy plain, covered in the statues clustered thickly together.

"Or we could do that," conceded Lucas, looking somewhat dazed.

"Thank you, Zelda," said Meta Knight. "Lucas, I apologise for frightening you earlier, but I must ask you one thing. When you shot your ray gun at the 'wall', did you hit any of the statues?"

There was the rumbling sound of a stone giant coming to life and walking towards them. As it did do, it banged into the other statues, which also began to animate.

"Good to know…"

o o o

Time passes.

An owl on high would have seen a comical sight, looking down upon the southern plains of Eagleland (perhaps an eagle on high): a group of nine travellers, ranging from the quickly moving Sonic to the elegant but very slow Zelda, running from a cavalcade of Porky statues, waving the slingshots and textbooks they held in a threatening manner. It was not until Meta Knight, soaring over the heads of the chased, managed to find and excavate a small white sphere bearing a red exclamation mark from a hole in the ground. This sphere was placed in front of the lead statue, which upon stepping on it toppled into the newly created pit. The others, closely bunched as they were, were unable to stop and rushed in after it, until the pit was filled with waving stone limbs.

Process was a bit more sedate after that. Porky's use of the PSI psychic power covered the entire land, and Lucas had to guide them carefully through the many hallucinations – copies of the purple city, terrifying creatures, greatest desires and bad memories of the past were some of the tricks that Porky played on the mind. Several times Lucas had to reassure the Captain that the burnt and broken Blue Falcon before him did not exist, or shoot lasers through the pile of Yoshi corpses before Yoshi would continue.

Even without the psychic mirages, Eagleland was a bizarre place. For one thing, there were no people in it. Even the towns were completely deserted (which allowed the LOL to help themselves to food supplies and comfy beds). Among the creatures that were on show, some were normal enough (eagles, rocky lizards, rather large woodlice), some were fusions of two normal-enough creatures (dog and fish, cow and snake, ostrich and elephant) and some (rhinoceros head on a rocket, zombie mushrooms, road blocks with eyes) were… not. Porky's experiments with/violations against nature were everywhere, as were his pride-and-joy robots.

And time passes.


	17. Last Part

A funereal march played out loud and clear

Bowser opened a sleepy eye and groaned. The groan in no way made the BowserPhone any quieter, and Bowser was forced to roll off the slab of marble he used for a bed and pick up the receiver.

"Whaddyoo want?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Tell your workmen to get a grip on their shells and work faster," came a determined voice from the other end of the line. "We are going to finish Projects X and Y before this month is out."

"Are we?" said Bowser, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Ganondorf, it's five o'clock in the morning!"

"How close is Y to completion?" asked Ganondorf briskly.

"Close enough. I mean, I guess it could be finished before the month is out, but… How's the Archanean plan getting along?"

"Oh, fine. I finished with the plan last night before meeting up with You Know Who."

"And the plan was?"

"Go over myself with a sodding great army and kill them all," said Ganondorf, with a smile so broad Bowser could hear it down the phone. "But that will have to be done after I complete Project X, which _will_ be before the end of the month. Do you know that the day after tomorrow, it'll be a year since we started the projects? A year! We really should have finished them by now, Bowser. Especially you."

Bowser muttered something about the workmen wanting more time off.

"Double their wages and threaten them with disappearance! Works for me!"

"I'll go down to the building site first thing in the morning," said Bowser, looking longingly at his marble slab.

"Good to hear! Well, technically it's morning now, and it isn't going to get any 'first'-er. So why don't you pop off down there and get on the job, there's a good chap?"

"I, er…"

"And if you're still having problems, I'll come and have a word with the workforce! That'll keep them on their toes! Good-bye, Bowser."

The line went dead. Bowser stared at the receiver for a few seconds.

"Solid Snake's going to come and blow you up with his mind!" he yelled at the machine, spitting flames that burnt holes in the wallpaper (which had never really recovered from Petey Piranha).

Kammy Koopa poked her head around the door. She was wearing a frilly nightcap and gown.

"Anything wrong, my lord?" she said, yawning.

"No, no, nothing at all," said Bowser miserably, fastening his black spiked bands around his arms, legs and neck. "Just thought I'd take a stroll down by the fountain. At five a.m. _Because I enjoy it_."

"Oh. Have a nice time, your Earlyness!"

Kammy hurried out, pursued by flames.

o o o

"What is THAT?" yelled Captain Falcon.

"It's green and it's covered in tattoos," said Peach, looking at the floating object with unconcealed distaste.

"It's massive!" said Sonic, feeling slightly insecure.

Pit covered his young eyes.

"It's an illusion," said Lucas, with a look of pure terror on his face. "Another one of P-p-porky's tricks, surprisingly enough."

"I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay…"

"Of course you're not," said Sonic, taking Falcon gently by the arm. "We all believe you. So we're going just going to stroll right through this, like we did with all the other hallucinations…"

"That would be a very bad idea!" said Lucas urgently.

"Why so?"

"Apart from the obvious!" cried the Captain.

"Th-there's a m-m-monster hiding in the illusion. A really, really b-b-bad monster, which we should run from as f-fast as we can."

Those who were able to tear their eyes away from the gruesome object saw that Lucas was visibly shaking.

"Well, Porky's operation base is still straight ahead, right?" said Sonic. "We'll just walk around the monster and be on our way."

"Y-yeah. That's a good idea."

Sonic lead Captain Falcon, still moaning about the object and protesting his heterosexuality, around the mirage, while the others followed. Only Zelda stayed still, staring deep into the heart of the illusion.

"Are you all right, Zelda?" asked Lucas anxiously.

"It's him. It's his. He's taunting me."

"Porky's been taunting all of us," said Lucas, smiling kindly. "It's what he does. He likes to show me pictures of my dead mother and brother, but I can cope. Now, why don't you…"

"BEGONNE, EVILDOER! THOU SHALT NOTTE CONTINUE TO TERRORYSE ME THUS! I SHALL SEND THEE BACK TO HELLE WHERE THOU BELONGST!"

A ball of glowing flame appeared in the princess' hands, of the same intensity as that which burned in her eyes.

"Zelda, no!" pleaded Lucas. "It's…"

"DIN'S FYRE!"

The fire rippled through the illusion, dispelling it in a blazing inferno.

"What have you done?" cried Lucas in despair.

"He'll think twice about taunting me…"

"Run, you stupid woman!" Lucas yelled. "Run!"

Surprised at the boy's tone of voice, Zelda was indeed galvanised into action. Quickly undergoing the magical transformation again, she dashed around the burning patch and joined the others.

"Don't stop running!" pleaded Lucas from behind. "Keep going!"

Going at the speed of the slowest member (now Peach rather than Zelda, whose muscular legs propelled her swiftly without the confines of a skirt), the group continued to run ahead, watching another purple and black tower appear from the horizon.

"Another fake?" asked Sonic.

"No," said Lucas in the hedgehog's mind, "That's the real thing! We're almost…"

Even throughout all the adventures they would endure after this (SPOILER: they did not die here), the LOL never forgot the sound they heard now. In contrast, Rayquaza's growl was like Jigglypuff's squeak, while Captain Falcon's yell of true anger was like Pit's whining. It was half mechanical grinding, half biological roar, and that roar contained undertones of pain and rage like none they had experienced. It was loud enough to wake not only the dead but also the very earth in which they were buried. It was right behind them.

It also featured the tweeting of a small bird.

"Don't stop running, for goodness' sake!" said Lucas via PSI.

"Where are you anyway?" thought Sonic.

He ran ahead a few steps and turned around, and found himself staring at two rows of the shiniest pointiest white-iest teeth he had ever seen.

"DON'T TURN AROUND!"

This galvanized that peculiar self-destructive streak in intelligent nature that Sonic demonstrated with Mecha-Kracko so long ago, as one by one the LOL looked over their shoulders. They saw not only huge teeth but a bright pink body, yellow eyes glimmering with malice, purple wings and a rather out of place canary on its back, singing merrily to itself. It was close behind them and gaining fast. It was only a matter of time before one of them tripped.

"It's gonna be me," thought Wario to himself as the beast drew nearer. "Me me me. Me with my stubby little legs. I'm gonna trip…"

Meta Knight gave out a cry as one of his wings was caught on a branch, sending him tumbling to earth.

"…Hey! It wasn't me! Yay!"

The saliva from the beast's enormous fangs dripped through the mask. Meta Knight drew his sword and pointed it with a shaking hand at the creature's throat. The bird chirruped.

"PK Thunder!"

The beast moaned as electricity coursed through its body and turned towards Lucas, who stood shivering behind it.

"Run, Meta Knight!" he shouted. "I'll take it!"

"No!" yelled Meta Knight, on his feet once more. "I have already sacrificed my honour once. I will not do it again!"

He lunged at the beast, only to be pulled roughly to the ground by a tongue from behind. The pink monster chased after Lucas, who peppered its face with thunder and fire attacks.

"Let go of me!" Meta Knight said to Yoshi. "I can't let him die! He's too young! He has long yet to live, much yet to learn! I will not let you rob me of my honour!"

"He came here to face up to his demons," squeaked Yoshi (at least, this is a rough translation of those squeaks). "Isn't it robbing him of _his_ honour to get yourself killed now and deny him the chance?"

Meta Knight watched Lucas blast the bird with an ice attack, sending it toppling off the monster's back, only to nearly have his ankles removed by the teeth. He gripped his sword tightly before falling into blackness.

Yoshi felt sorry for knocking his friend out, but they would have stayed there all day otherwise. Putting the unconscious knight onto his back and watching Lucas leap over the creature's head, he ran back to join the others.

"A short prayer to thank Lucas for his services," said Zelda, in her dress again. "Oh Goddesses of Hyrule, we praye unto thee…"

Sonic grabbed her arm and tugged her towards the city gates.

"ENOUGH TALK CITY NOW!"

o o o

"Wow! You guys were lucky to make it here alive!" said the small boy guarding the gates to the genuine version of New Pork City. "I heard the Ultimate Chimera from here."

"It got one of us," said Peach sadly.

"Oh. I'm sorry," said the boy, wiping his glasses. "Just think yourself lucky you didn't run into any more trouble. I mean look!"

He pointed out of New Pork's gates towards the ten-foot metal gorilla, which swung the metal balls attached to its hands threateningly at the city.

"Steel Mechorilla," said the boy sadly. "So many of Master Porky's creations turned against the people of Eagleland, so he built New Pork City to protect us from the chimerae roaming our fair country."

"We didn't see that gorilla when we arrived," whispered Pit to Sonic.

"I smell an illusion," the hedgehog replied.

"A genius, Master Porky," continued the guard. "Just a shame none of his creations seem to work out so well. I'm Jeff, by the way. And you are?"

There was a silence. No convincing story had been prepared.

"Not all of Master Porky's creations turned bad," whispered Zelda suddenly. "We're here to deliver the latest result of his experiments."

"I thought all chimera research and creation was done in-house," said Jeff, looking confused.

"This is a special project. Or more specifically, three projects."

Zelda's hand flashed out and removed Sonic's hat.

"Hey!"

"Behold!" said Zelda, lifting her hands to the skies. "We have created a new type of hedgehog that can run faster than the speed of sound. Praise be to Master Porky!"

Sonic twigged and nodded quickly.

"Praise indeed!" said Jeff, peering at Sonic through his spectacles. "And the other two projects?"

"Behold!" said Zelda again, ripping off Yoshi's veil. "A new species of lizard, blessed with an excellent sense of smell and a tongue as long and manoeuvrable as a python!"

Jeff nodded vigorously, his blond hair bobbing up and down. "Fascinating! And the third?"

"Behold!" said Zelda once more, removing the boy's clothes from the still unconscious Meta Knight. "The greatest triumph yet of modern science – a clone of the former LOVE member and traitor (now dead), Meta Knight! Praise be to Master Porky!"

"She's enjoying this too much," whispered Wario.

"Incredible!" said Jeff. "He looks exactly like he used to look on the broadcasts. You know, I used to be an inventor long ago, but nothing I have ever done… Praise be to Master Porky."

"Getting really sick of hearing that now…" muttered Wario.

"Go right on through to the main chimera laboratory," said Jeff, pointing at the spiky tower. "You know where it is, right?"

"Of course!" scoffed Zelda. "We'll let you know how he takes it." Then, turning to the others, "You heard him. Bring the chimerae to the lab. Quickly!"

"Definitely enjoying this too much," grumbled Wario, grabbing Yoshi by the arm and "bringing" him forwards.

"Nice work, Zelda!" whispered Captain Falcon once they were a good distance away from Jeff.

"Thank you," said Zelda. "Once we're inside the tower, we just search for the barrier generator."

Yoshi cradled his egg carefully.

Jeff watched them walk down the street, lined with cardboard buildings, and turn the corner around a skyscraper. Then he withdrew a phone from his pocket and, with a deep sigh, called "Porky".

"Hello? I want to speak to Master Porky, please. Very important. It's about the LOL…"

o o o

"I wanna go on the roundabout!"

"The work experience boy is not allowed to go on fairground rides when on duty," said Captain Falcon sharply.

"But I'm not the work experience boy," pouted Pit. "I'm the _junior researcher_. And the junior researcher wants to go on the roundabout!"

"Shut up or I'll set the blue chimera on you."

"Roar," said Sonic.

"It's very odd," said Peach, looking at their surroundings. "All these fairground rides and fake buildings. It's like a child's dream town."

"Porky's only about thirteen," said Wario. "It figures."

"SWINGS!"

"Can someone gag the _junior researcher_ before I saw him in half?" said the Captain, gripping Pit's arm.

On Yoshi's back, Meta Knight shook his head (well, his entire body) and blinked.

"Where am I?" he croaked groggily.

"New Pork City," said Peach. "You're a creation of Master Porky who acts just like you, so try to… act just like you."

"LUCAS!" said the knight suddenly, jumping off Yoshi's back and looking around frenetically.

"Preferably without mentioning the names of any people Master Porky might want to kill."

Meta Knight sheathed his sword glumly and toddled along towards the back of the group, rubbing his head where a nice big lump had formed.

"I let him die…"

They pushed through the throng occupying the purple and grey streets. That the roads were so crowded was not surprising, given the way that Porky had managed to pack almost the entirety of Eagleland into his new city. Vending machines and kiosks on every corner were shaped like the man/boy himself, while streets were named "King P's Avenue" or "Porky Street". Porky's staff did not wear the usual cyan and purple uniforms of the LOVE underlings, but porcine helmets. The Pig King's ego was oversized even for the LOVE, and it oozed out of every corner of the city like runny sewage.

The loudspeakers on the streets crackled into life. "Time for your hourly broadcast on all things Porky! King P has just eaten his mid-morning snack – cattlesnake fillet with chips! He can confirm that cattlesnake tastes much better than ordinary beef! But was there ever any doubt? After all, King P created the cattlesnake himself! All hail Master Porky!"

"All hail Master Porky!" yelled the city in response.

"Hoo yeah! Rock on! Master Porky kicks your ass! And yours, too! And mine! He rules! Woo hoo!"

"Captain," whispered Zelda, "what are you doing?"

"Just getting into character," said the Captain, looking embarrassed.

"I somehow doubt that one of Porky's top researchers would give quite such a ridiculously exuberant reaction to a run-of-the-mill propaganda broadcast."

"You're just jealous 'cause Porky kicks your ass."

"Is this some sort of hypnosis?" asked Meta Knight. "Some sort of signal transmitted through the loudspeaker to demand obedience?"

"No," said Sonic, "Sparrow's just an idiot. Also, roar."

Tired of walking and with the tower still a long way off, they flagged down a yellow taxi and travelled thus to the bottom of the tower. The sudden realisation that New Pork City had a different currency to everywhere else on the planet hit them only upon arrival.

"What d'you call this?" said the taxi driver, loudly. "Kids' money? These coins don't have Master Porky's face on them!"

"What's going on here?" said one of the tower entrance guards, mercifully not wearing a pig helmet but instead dressed in a smart uniform (purple and cyan, naturally).

"These fraudsters were trying to…"

"Ah, the return of the noble scientists!" said the guard, his face glowing. "Jeff told us all about the success of your endeavour. Right this way, please."

"But my money!" wailed the taxi driver, his moustache bouncing.

"Master Porky's staff will settle this with you personally," said the guard, beaming. "Gentlemen, ladies, chimerae…"

"Roar," said Sonic.

"We didn't mean to joyride," said Peach. "I hope we didn't cause any trouble."

"No trouble at all," said the guard, resuming his post next to his equally smiley partner. "He'll get what's coming to him. If you'd just like to go straight on through and take the elevator up to the laboratory. All hail Master Porky!"

"Hoo yeah!"

o o o

The bottom floor of the tower was a reception lobby, its floor lined with pink and white tiles and with a smiling woman in uniform "manning" the desk.

"Welcome to the Empire Porky Building!" grinned the woman. "King P has been expecting you, noble scientists. Please, go over to the elevator on the left."

"Erm… What's that menacing looking shiny guy going to do?" asked Peach, as a large silver man with tentacles and no face strode towards the door.

"You were having some trouble with a taxi driver, right?" smiled the woman. "That man's going to sort it out for you! No expense spared for guests of Master Porky!"

"Oh…" said Peach, suddenly feeling very sorry for the driver.

They filed into the lift and pressed the button marked "Lab".

"Does anyone else notice anything odd?" pondered a pensive Pit.

"That the woman said 'welcome to the building' instead of 'welcome back'?" said Zelda.

Yoshi's yelps were Meta-translated as, "Or that we were referred to as 'guests' rather than 'employees'?"

"Yeah, those too," said Pit, "But I meant more like the way that 'Lab' has been written on a piece of paper with a felt tip and stuck on the button with sticky tape."

And so it was.

"It's a trap!" shouted Meta Knight. "It's not taking us to the laboratory at all!"

The lift ground to a halt and the doors opened. The sheer amount of machinery and bubbling jars of liquid dismissed the hypothesis that it could be anything other than a laboratory.

"Nobody get out!" warned Meta Knight. "The moment one of us steps into the open, we'll be blasted with laser beams!"

He waved his cloak along the ground. There was a distinct absence of any blasting or charred cloth smell.

"We still ought to be careful," he said slowly. "One false move and…"

"C'mon! Step it up!" said Sonic, dashing past Meta Knight before Captain Falcon could maintain his promise about the capsule bomb.

"That hedgehog," the Captain growled, following the "chimera" inside.

"Hey guys! Come and look at this!"

They followed the voice around machines and murk to where Sonic was waiting. Beside him, a small boy with black hair floated unclothed in a vat of green fluid, attached to several wires. The boy's face was contorted into a grimace, and sparks seemed to be floating out of his body along the wires, which were connected to a computer giving all sorts of complicated readouts.

"Ness, the psychic wünderkind of Eagleland," said Wario. "I thought we captured him?"

"Eww!" said Captain Falcon. "A naked child! Just what I did not need to see after my total lack of breakfast."

"He looks like he's being hurt," said Peach, pressing her face up against the glass.

"The solution is simple," said Meta Knight. "We break the glass and free the boy."

"What, just tear him from the wires?" said Zelda. "No. He might die."

"We can't blow this place up with him in it, though!" protested Peach.

"Speaking of which…"

Sonic had already lost interest in the floating boy and had moved on to the large purple pillar, festooned with cables and monitors. It bore a felt-tip-and-paper sign saying "Barier Generater".

"Okay, let's review this," said Sonic as the others came to look. "There's a single room in this building that contains not only a hostage of Porky's but also the barrier generator, and Porky's not only just let us walk right in but put labels on everything for us?"

"It's a trap!" said Meta Knight again.

"Bear in mind that this is the same boy who designed an all-powerful war robot with bright blue weak points," said Peach.

"How d'you like my barrier generator, dickfaces?"

The speaker seemed to snigger the entire sentence. Looking behind the pillar, an obese teenager with floppy blond hair was the visible source. Unlike his appearance at the LOVE meeting, he now wore a white shirt, a red bow tie and dungarees that were stretched around his prodigious waist.

"He was leading one of the squads of enemies when we got the Halberd!" observed Pit.

"Pokey Minch," intoned Meta Knight. "Possibly the only member of the LOVE fatter than Wario."

"Hey!"

"Wow!" said Porky/Pokey. "I'm Pokey Minch. Cool. Hey, did you guys hear that? I'm Pokey Minch!"

"No, I'm Pokey Minch!" said another identical looking boy behind them.

"I thought I was Pokey Minch!" said another clone to the right.

"No, I am!"

"You're all fags. I'm Pokey Minch!"

"Maybe we're all Pokey Minch!"

"Or maybe I am," said a voice through the lab's communication system, sounding identical to all the others.

"I reckon it's that one," whispered Pit to Falcon.

"Robots are cool," sniggered the voice over the intercom. "They're so much cooler than humans. And aren't I lucky? I've got loads of them that look exactly like me!"

The LOL found themselves surrounded by a ring of Mecha-Porkies, each one sniggering and fiddling with its spots.

"I knew it was a trap," grumbled Meta Knight. "I said so time and time again, but did anyone listen? Nobody listens to the little man. Not until they get into shit and need his sword to get them out."

Yoshi nodded sympathetically. He knew how it felt.

"Your little friend Jeff told me all about the LOL invading my city," sneered the intercom.

"Jeff?" gasped Peach.

"The bastard!" roared the Captain.

"He'll do anything for me as long as I promise not to hurt his friend… too much."

The voice sniggered. From the tank of green liquid came the sound of muffled screams.

"Stop it!" cried Peach.

"Whoa, you're hot when you're angry!" said the voice. "Keep your hair on, cuntface. He's mine. I can do what I like to him, and short of fucking me there's nothing you can do about it."

"Yoshi, blow the machine now!" yelled Peach.

"Hey, sure, why not? Blow the pillar sky-high, just like that! Go on! There's even a handy little slot there for you to put your explosives in! I assume you have explosives? The last guy did."

Yoshi shrugged, broke open the egg and placed the capsule inside the slot, removing its lid. The LOL moved around to the far side of the pillar as a flap closed down over the capsule, and shifted slightly away from it towards the Mecha-Porkies.

"You dumbasses!" cackled Porky. "Yeah, like sure I'm going to let you blow the generator, just like that! It's made out of some mega-heavy super-reinforced stuff Jeff invented. The last explosives some guy tried didn't leave a…"

There was a muffled boom. When the smoke had cleared, the generator column had been divided into two parts (not counting the flying debris) – one part was fixed to the floor and featured writhing live wires protruding from its top, and the other was held to the ceiling by cables that did not look strong enough to support its weight for long. The copious monitors were either off, showing interference or featuring error messages (e.g. "A problem has arisen in the system. Find out what went wrong and get it fixed before Master Porky comes down and beats the crap out of you! All hail Master Porky!").

"…scratch…"

There was the sound of a huge barrier of purple magic evanescing.

o o o

"Sir! You're not going to believe this!"

As the official Nintendo observer ran off to inform his IPAF seniors that for the first time in just over half a year the barrier around Nintendo had disappeared, the figure standing by took the opportunity to observe the planet. Either Snake had, after six months of diplomacy, managed to convince the LOVE to remove the force field, or (more likely) he had brought it down by force. Or Sonic had. Or Sonic had found Snake, and they both had. It mattered little either way, except Sonic was more likely to gloat. Well, let him.

The observer returned to the room, flushed and out of breath. "Sir, the Colonel wants to have a word with you."

The figure smiled slowly. His fingers curled possessively around the seven objects in his pocket.

o o o

The respite was brief. Porky's stunned silence gave way to a strangled cry. As if on cue, the Mecha-Porkies charged, sirens atop their heads flashing and wailing. Sonic curled up into a ball and rushed at the robots, pushing them over where they writhed briefly before bursting into flames.

"To the elevator!" yelled the hedgehog as he uncurled.

A snigger from the intercom informed them that Porky's good humour had returned.

"Yeah, good luck there, dickfaces," said Porky. "I've got control of the entire lab from here. Don't you think I'd have already stopped the elevator?"

"To the stairs!" yelled Sonic.

"Where are the stairs?" asked Pit.

"I don't know!"

"You know, I'm really quite a fascinating person," said Porky as they ran. "I've been both a hero and a villain. I've served the mighty and had them serve me. I'm thousands of years old, but with the heart of a young and innocent child. I've escaped from an eternal prison."

They stopped running before the child's glass cell. It was empty save the bubbling fluid.

"Where's Ness gone?" asked Peach.

"How should I know?" bawled Sonic over his shoulder. "Keep running!"

"I became the servant of the great lord of the cosmos. I fought for him and brought him prey. But he was too weak. He succumbed to emotions and destroyed himself, while I escaped through time. And so I wandered, lost in the fourth dimension, aging yet ageless."

"Why's it all gone dark?" cried Pit. "Even my halos aren't glowing!"

"That Ness must be a Project Z clone," said Zelda. "Used by Porky to get Jeff to work for him, and to create illusions over all Eagleland using PSI. Now he's turning on us."

"Keep moving!" cried Sonic.

"I came back and became king of a small group of islands, creating my Utopia. A wonderful place, best suited for one as great as myself. But tricked by one of those I had trusted, I was doomed to be incarcerated in solitude forever, while the paradise I had created crumbled outside."

"Argh! Don't break my legs!"

"My car! Smashed!"

"I'm sorry, Ganondorf! Please don't hurt me!"

"Yoshi yoo!"

"They're just illusions!" shouted Meta Knight, slashing at the empty space with some difficulty. "The fake Ness is playing on your fears! Press on!"

"But then it came to me. Not so long after I was trapped, it came to me from across space and time. Weaker now, still it was enough to help me escape from my eternal resting place. I was met with the sight of my great empire swept away, and the islands I ruled now just another part of Eagleland."

"The room's sloping!" yelled Sonic in the dark, scrabbling with his shoes to get a grip.

"It's just an illusion!" shouted Meta Knight again.

"If it is, it's a really good one!" came the sound of Peach's voice, sliding away into the blackness.

"Porky, you wuss, come and face us!" yelled the Captain.

"Not interested in my life story, Captain Dickface? I was having so much fun watching you all getting chucked about. But I guess if you really want to see me, you ought to hurry to the stairs. Quickly, losers, before I get there first! Spankety spankety spankety!"

The darkness vanished, gravity returned to normal. The intercom buzzed and went dead. The LOL picked themselves off the floor and checked that all their extremities were still attached.

"We must press on," said Meta Knight, pointing to the door marked "Stares".

"Can't we take a break?" breathed Pit, breathing heavily. "Like, I just saw Palutena with a dog's head. I think I need to lie down."

"If we stop to rest now, that gives Porky time to plan his next move. Not something we want."

It was Zelda's blue-garbed alter ego who tiptoed lightly over to the door and, keeping herself well out of the way, opened it slowly. It was barely open a crack when what looked like an electric yo-yo shot through the door, performed a u-turn and slammed into where Zelda's head had been.

"Not again," sighed Wario.

"PK Flash!"

Zelda ran out of the door under the ball of green fire moving ominously towards the rest of the group and unleashed a salvo of throwing needles upon the boy, now fully dressed (if still a bit green and wet-looking). He held up a hand and the needles hung in space for a second before firing themselves back towards the running princess, each one burying itself in the wall of the stairwell a bit too close to Zelda's hidden face for comfort.

Zelda's intervention had at least caused the disappearance of the PK Flash attack, allowing the rest of the LOL to enter the stairwell. Ness' position was in the middle of the spiralling steps, over empty space, making a direct attack difficult. The child dodged Yoshi's eggs easily, and absorbed Pit's arrows with a field of blue energy. When Meta Knight tried to fly up to him, he was knocked out of the air by Ness' baseball bat.

"Coo-ee, dickfaces!" said the intercom. "I'm here!"

This simple message caused the LOL to look around frantically. It was only when Pit glanced upwards and screamed that they saw the giant spider-mecha crawling down the banister towards them.

"Nobody's seen my real form for a while," sniggered Porky. "Aren't you lucky? I almost think you don't deserve it, and I should just snipe you from up here."

Ness floated over to the stairway, bat in hand. Blocking a swing of Peach's tennis racket easily, he shot a small yellow projectile from his fingertips, similar to the one with which Lucas had ignited Waluigi's cap. This one set the princess' hair ablaze.

"But that doesn't seem fair, especially as you tried so hard and are now about to die. Brace yourselves for the glory that is Pokey Minch!"

The mech's legs untangled themselves from the banister, and it fell. As gravity brought it level with the LOL, it extended its legs, caught onto the banister and hung there, wrenching the landing to one side and almost away from the wall.

The machine seemed to have started life as a bed, and the mech had grown up around it. There was a glass roof over the bed, a metal frame around it and six thin legs attached to that. The frame was purple and bore a malevolent pig-nosed face on the front.

The LOL did not have time to take in these details in full, as they had their hands full with the fake Ness. Meta Knight was attempting to put Peach's hair out with his cloak, while the others tried to get past Ness' psychic powers and attack him. Captain Falcon was the only one who decided to attend to the mech; he jumped onto it with his fist already in flames.

"Shit, Porky's _old_."

The figure on the bed was recognisably Porky, with the same (large) body shape, floppy hair and clueless-carp open mouth visible on the army of statues. However, the hair was white, including the stout man's moustache. His skin was so pale that the veins stood out like scars. The body simply lay on the bed, seemingly unable to move independently of the mech.

"I've travelled through time more than I can remember," said the intercom, although Porky's mouth did not budge. "I've seen whole civilisations rise and fall. Like, what do you expect?"

A leg detached itself from the railings and swiped the Captain off, curtailing the fiery assault and proving that even if Porky himself could not move, the mech had locomotion capabilities enough to make up for it. It disentangled itself from the banister and brought itself up onto the landing, leaving Zelda duelling Ness on one side and the remainder of the group on the other. Ejecting Mecha-Porkies from a compartment in its rear, it swiped at its foes with the two legs not being used to balance.

"Let's get out of here!" said Sonic, turning around to see that the others had already had the same idea and were dashing down the stairs. He followed them, shrieking, "Wait for meeee!" (This was ironic as it took him less than a second to pass them all.)

Zelda dodged a surplus of flaming projectiles, a blast of light and several swipes of Ness' bat before deciding that continuing to ineffectually hurl needles at the psychic boy was not worth the wasted metal. She wrapped her chain around one of the banister support railings and jumped off, narrowly avoiding another thunder-yo-yo. She lowered herself down to the next level of stairs, meeting up with the others on the next landing.

Above them, the floor finally gave way and Porky's mech descended somewhat forcefully onto the stairs before them. As it turned out, that set of stairs did not want him either, and flight by flight the bedbot dropped down to the ground floor, flinging Mecha-Porkies everywhere and rendering the remainder of the staircase all but unusable in the process.

"No matter how far you think you can run, I'll find you," sneered Porky's voice. "I'll just have Ness search for your mental activity, and then one night when you think you're safe in your beds you'll hear the sound of spider-legs click-clacking over the stones, and before you know it…"

The machine hovered in the air and shot a laser beam at the group, trying to make their way down to the ground safely. It seared Pit's wing and the angel fell, screaming, and landed on Meta Knight as he tumbled. Peach glided down using a parasol, which she held in one hand while deflecting Ness' baseball bat and yo-yo attacks with the pan she held in the other. Those who reached the ground floor unharmed found that the mech was stationed in front of the doorway, and saw the cracks slowly spreading up the walls.

"No escape, dickfaces! Now you'll know how I felt, thinking that I would spend the rest of my life inside a ball with a two-metre radius. Not exactly, of course, because the rest of my life would have been much longer than yours will be!"

The Mecha-Porkies scampered around between the LOL, sniggering and detonating themselves at will. Ness threw fire and thunder around madly, while Porky swiped with the mech's pointy legs and blasted lasers from its top. All the while the cracks in the walls continued to wend their merry way onwards and upwards. Suddenly, upstairs did not look so bad, but the staircases were falling down in chunks anyway.

"I hate to do this, really," said Porky, his voice full of false regret. "I'd much rather finish you off myself. But I can't do that without leaving my spot by the door, and I'd hate to deprive you of that wonderful feeling of claustrophobia before you die. So, Ness, I guess you're up! Do to them what you did to me all those years ago!"

Ness descended to the ground, the Mecha-Porkies exploding harmlessly against the psychic barrier he maintained around himself. His eyes glowing bright blue, he raised his hands to the heavens.

"PK Star…"

The boy paused as if hit.

"C'mon, dickface!" yelled Porky's voice. "Do it!"

Ness seemed to have to struggle to lift his head again, but he turned it once more to the skies.

"P K… Urgh… Star…"

"What the fuck's the matter with you?" yelled the intercom. "Kill them!"

Ness and looked directly at Sonic.

"…Sis?"

"Your sister's dead, you idiot! I killed her! For fuck's sake, use PK Starstorm!"

"…Mom? Dad?"

"PK Starstorm! PK Starstorm! PK…"

"…STARSTORM!"

Porky rotated the mech frantically to see who had said this, but its movement was hindered by the giant glowing orb of light that fell onto the glass casing. This was followed by another, and suddenly the ceiling was raining glowing balls, shattering what remained of the staircase into smithereens. A direct hit from one boulder caused the fake Ness to explode in a blaze of purple light, while several others pummelled the mecha. The orbs seem to purposefully avoid the LOL – one heading directly for Captain Falcon's head exploded before it reached the auburn curls.

"You again!" shrieked Porky. "Why won't you die? Oh Hands, why won't you ever die?"

He gave a yell of anguish as a massive pink beast hurled itself through the doorway and chewed off the mech's back legs.

"The Ultimate Chimera?" said re-princessed Zelda.

The beast moved onto the front legs, crunching away merrily while Porky's screams echoed over the intercom. The machine's laser blasted the creature repeatedly with no visible effect. Having finished the last of the legs, the creature stood on top of the glass and growled threateningly at the corpselike form of the ruler of Eagleland.

"Enough, Boney."

The Ultimate Chimera ground its teeth and retreated, while through the door came the form of a blond adolescent.

"You're alive!" said Meta Knight.

"No no no!" screeched Porky. "This isn't fair! You always turn up and ruin my plans! I'm gonna tell on you! MOM! DAD! Lucas is bullying me again!"

Lucas rolled his eyes while the mech smouldered. The others gathered around and made much of the boy, Peach in particular ruffling his hair and saying how cute he was. Meta Knight just sat down and breathed long sighs of relief.

"How did you tame the chimera?" asked Sonic, looking at the massive teeth of the creature that now sat obediently in the corner.

"He was lonely and angry and confused," said Lucas, walking over to "Boney" and stroking his snout (which was level with his head). "Imagine that you'd been cobbled together from bits of animal and machine, not knowing what you are or to where you belong, and in addition having a canary, a proper animal, flying around you all the time singing cheerfully and waking you up."

"You gained its trust even while you were blasting it with ice and lightning?" asked Captain Falcon.

"I hit the off switch first," admitted Lucas. "Then I turned it back on, and I gave it some food and stroked it and talked to it. I named it after my old dog."

Boney responded to the cosseting by giving a wide toothy grin and emitting what was almost a purr, which descended an octave into a growl again.

"Whassamatta boy?" asked Lucas, scratching its ear.

"Die, dickfaces!"

Porky's mech was hovering in the air, its base tilted toward Lucas. A stream of red lightning was visible on the underside, and in its centre a red ball of energy was forming.

"Look out, Lucas!" cried Pit, again demonstrating his talent for making useless interjections.

Red electricity shot out from the ball towards Lucas, who stood there and watched as the thunder bounced back towards its source and cooked the mech. It was only then, as his construct fried around him, that Porky saw the small reflective badge Lucas wore on his jumper.

"Your turn now, Porky," said Lucas, his normally gentle eyes set defiantly. "See what we have seen! Feel what we have felt!"

The sparks ceased to fly from the machine, but inside the body was twitching. Porky's limp frame was trying to move. Due to lack of movement his muscles had wasted away to almost nothing, but he was trying slowly to lift his arms. The intercom had been damaged by the electricity, so all that could be heard was the old man/boy's slow moan coming through the glass.

"Stop it!" said Zelda. "What are you doing to him?"

"He indirectly killed my mother and brother before he joined the LOVE," said Lucas in a measured tone. "After, he had robots slaughter Ness' entire family. I'm just showing him what happened to them, only substituting in their places the only person Porky cares about – himself."

"Oh," said Zelda. "Carry on."

There was not much more carrying on left to do. Porky finally managed to lift one arm up to the roof of his glass case, which in a similar stroke of genius to the one that had hit him when he was designing Galleom's joints could only be opened from the outside, and then dropped it again. The moaning stopped, marking the end of a battle that had involved heavy explosives, hallucinations, psychic warfare, a spider-mecha and a monster the size of a family carrier. It would have been horribly anticlimactic.

Fortunately, the tower then collapsed.

o o o

The head overseer of Project Y was a Lakitu, a small orange Koopa Trooper that usually flew high in the air on a cloud. This one was on the ground, and attempting to bend even lower.

"It is coming along exceedingly well, your Highness," he purred obsequiously. "Even after you reduced the men's working hours last month, they have made great progress. Your grand vision is almost complete."

"It is as I feared," said Bowser, looking out of a window at the field of work. It stared back at him, which was quite a feat considering its lack of eyes.

"Feared, your Excellency?"

"Yes, as I hoped," said Bowser, striding around the room irritably. "How soon would it be finished if the men continued at their current pace?"

"Well, your highness, I'd say about two weeks, assuming such factors as the men's morale remain constant…"

"Is the men's morale in any danger of change?" said Bowser, wheeling sharply and fixing a burning eye upon the tortoise.

"Er, maybe, sir?" said the cringing chelonian. "I mean, these rumours about the LOL…"

"What rumours about the LOL?" growled Bowser, towering over the figure on the floor.

"N-n-n-nothing really…" said the foreman, now a quivering wreck. "Just the usual mutterings. Drones, eh? Who'd be a drone? Ha!"

"I'm sick of listening to yours!" yelled Bowser, hoisting the unfortunate up by his shell. "What rumours?"

"They say that the LOL are going to save Nintendo from the tyranny of the LOVE and bring back Mario and the men are worried the LOL will kill you and then they'll be out of a job."

Bowser dropped the shaking tortoise, who dived into his shell and stayed there for several minutes, rocking back and forth. The Koopa King strode around the room for these minutes, occasionally peering outside at the ground, thirty-four floors below. When his employee had emerged, still trembling slightly, he found his lord and master fiddling idly with a ruler left on the desk.

"We'll have to do something about these rumours," said Bowser, staring at the ceiling. "I mean, we can't have the men's morale being reduced, can we?"

"N-no, your Highness. No we can't."

"In the meantime…" Bowser turned once more to face the fruits of the workforce's labour.

"In the meantime, your Gloriousness?"

"How many hours a day are the men working now?"

"After the latest cut? Six, I believe."

"Six?" said Bowser, his eyes wide with shock. "No wonder their morale is low! Reduce it to four, and double their wages."

"But if we cut it to four hours a day, there's no way we'll finish in time for…"

"Including yours."

The Lakitu's eyes acquired a golden glimmer as he bowed and fawned Bowser out of the office.

"…Oh, and one final thing, your Resplendentness. When will we know what it is we are making?"

"When I see fit to tell you, you worthless pipsqueak!" roared Lord Bowser, before calming himself. "Hmm. 'Your Resplendentness'. Haven't heard that one before. I like it. Write it down."

o o o

"…and then when you held up the entire collapsing tower with your mind – whoa, man that was cool!"

Lucas modestly busied himself with his omelette. The others were not so vocal in their enthusiasm as Pit. Yoshi and Wario were fully occupied with their dinners. Peach and Zelda, although grateful, showed their gratitude in a slightly quieter and more dignified manner. Sonic and Captain Falcon both felt that whatever a snotty-nosed fourteen-year-old could do, they should have been able to do better, while Meta Knight had neglected dinner in favour of a flight through the evening.

It had been a long and tiring day. The collapse of the stairwell had brought the top half of the skyscraper down with it. It was solely due to the position of the building on top of a large hill, far away from any other habitation, that there were no injuries (that and the fact that the Empire Porky Building had been evacuated when things started to go haywire in the lab). Then Lucas and friends had emerged with the Ultimate Chimera in tow, and it had not been easy to stop the screaming for long enough to show how tame Boney had become.

What with the removal of both the Ultimate Chimera and the illusions (sure enough, the Steel Mechorilla was nowhere to be found), the people felt able to leave New Pork and return home. It was truly like a spell had been broken, as the Eaglites poured out of their haven and across the land. Some of them would bump into the real chimerae on their way and have a rough time of it, but they were prepared to take that risk. (The LOL hoped that the few whose houses they had used to rest in and stolen food from would not notice.)

About halfway through the afternoon, Jeff had appeared in their midst, tooled up with a rocket launcher, beam sword, helmet and jetpack, all of his own invention. Suffering a guilty conscience, he had decided to raid the Empire Porky Building on his own, take down Porky and rescue Ness. When the truth was told, he looked disappointed and regretful, but also grateful that he was saved the trouble of potentially getting himself broken into tiny pieces. He had paid the group compensation enough to treat themselves to a slap-up dinner and a night in a nice hotel, and given Lucas his beam sword, before returning to his room to create an "automatic clothes-folding machine".

And now they sat in "Beauty and Tasty", a self-service restaurant created by Porky featuring robot waitresses that looked and spoke like his mother. The Uncanny Valley effect echoed around the room, but the food was decent and it was the first good non-stolen meal the LOL had eaten in a long time.

"So, have you had a chance to think about joining us?" said Peach. "Nine companions – and of course Boney."

"I don't think I can," said Lucas gently. "I've seen things no one should ever have to see. I saw the inside of the shadow Ness' mind when I stopped him from using Starstorm – a tumult of rage, anger and unthinking obedience, through which memories of what he really was kept trying to break out. I saw the inside of Porky's mind too, and the corruption and aching loneliness that resided there.

"I don't think I want to use my PSI powers again in a long time. I've seen too many people die. I've taken lives myself. Now, I just want to stay behind and protect my country. That and my dad (and Boney now) are all I have left."

Lucas tried to suppress a tear that trickled down his cheek. Peach wiped it away with the sleeve of her tunic.

"We understand," she said softly.

"And what are you going to do now anyway?" the boy continued. "You've brought down the barrier. Now surely you'll just be waiting for help to come from outside."

The LOL exchanged bewildered glances. What the boy said was true – their work was done. The purpose that had brought them together was accomplished. It would not be long before the IPAF came sailing in and bombarded the LOVE to smithereens. Probably taking half the planet with it, knowing them.

"Where do we go now?" said Peach. "It's still not safe for us to wander around outside Eagleland."

"We could go and find Snake…" suggested Zelda.

"When he's still wounded and everyone and their Pokémon wants him dead?" said Sonic.

There was a moment of ponderous silence, broken only by the sound of Yoshi and Wario eating. They had done as much as was possible, and there was no reason for them not to go their separate ways. Their part in bringing about the safety of Nintendo would no doubt be forgotten amidst the congratulating of IPAF.

"I don't wanna leave the LOL!" said Pit sadly.

"We're not… We weren't called the LOL," said Sonic.

"I realise you people don't feel the same," said Wario, spitting spaghetti everywhere, "but I've grown quite fond of you guys."

"Not going to cry," said the Captain, sniffing. "Crying is gay. Not going to cry…"

"This is stupid," said Lucas. "Why don't you keep travelling together? Just for a little bit."

"We have our own things to do," sighed Sonic. "I've got to go and meet the Eyepaff when they arrive, Yoshi's got to get back to his people, Sparrow's got to go and masturbate over his car… Hey!"

"I didn't touch you!" protested the Captain. "Although I was about to knee you in the balls."

Sonic felt in his fur and pulled out an indigo Chaos Emerald. It was glowing faintly.

"You said they were dead!" said Wario.

"They were. They are! But they're picking up energy signals from other Chaos Emeralds."

"Aren't there only seven of the things in existence?" said the Captain.

"So I thought…"

"I apologise for my interruption."

The echoing voice from under the table made Sonic topple backwards off his chair, sending faintly glowing emeralds spilling out of his fur. Wario had to forcibly restrain himself from waddling over to pick them up.

"There appears to be a transport vehicle outside," said Meta Knight. "It's large and beige, and shaped like a creature with a massive nose and whiskers. A scrawled note on the inside suggests that it is a gift to us for freeing Eagleland, from someone called 'Mr. Saturn'."

Everyone looked at the scrambling Sonic.

"If there are other Chaos Emeralds, it's my duty to find them before the LOVE do," he said. "Who knows what sort of trouble they could cause?"

"I'm sure we'd all be happy to let you take the ship," said Peach.

"Me? You mean, you guys aren't coming?"

There were expectant stares and wide eyes.

"I mean, what if I need help?" continued the hedgehog. "Not that I will, of course. But still, it would be nice to have the company. I don't want to disband the LOL just yet."

"You called it the LOL!" said Pit happily.

Sonic swore under his breath.

"Whatever I called it," he said, "I'd like to bring you all along for the ride."

"All right!" cheered the Captain. "The LOL is back in business. C'mon everybody – step it up!"

"You hypocrite!" shouted Sonic, following him out of the door.

It was a joyous moment. None of them had really wanted to disband, and although they may not have liked facing death in the face quite so often it was better to do so when one had friends/meat shields one could put between oneself and death. The group may not have liked each other very much at times, but there was a feeling of kinship and family between them now, even if Wario was the crazy uncle who lives in the attic and smells and keeps rats around the house.

Smiles and laughs went around the table. Pit swept his hair out of his eye and grinned broadly. The others grinned back, even if no one could see Meta Knight's. Finally, with a cheer of general contentment, the newly reformed LOL went out to join the impatiently waiting Sonic. Yoshi finished his bowl of fruit religiously before giving Lucas a wave and dashing out, with a cry of "Yoshi!"

Lucas watched them go with a sad smile in his eyes, feeling much older than his fourteen years. He finished his omelette in silence and looked with large eyes at the robot waitress who picked up his plate.

"So, you'll be paying for all of them, then?"

Lucas' heart froze. As he frantically rifled through his pockets in search of any usable currency, Boney nudged the waitress gently with his snout.

"BZZZT… Meal on the house for the saviours of our city?"

o o o

"_Does it please you?" it asked me._

_I replied that what I had seen pleased me greatly. In some ways, it was very similar to the planets and civilisations I had seen in my native verse, but in some ways so very different! I loved it. It tasted of glory, and achievement, and of going where none of my kind had ventured before. Who were the Forbidden now?_

"_I am glad," it said. "It pleases me too to look upon creation, and see creations occurring within it. Everything in the world creates and destroys. Such is existence."_

_I said that I would greatly like to venture forth into the Forbidden (no more!) Land for myself, even as a creature of matter. At this, the one who had showed me so much gave a slow, lazy movement which in a being with shoulders might have been a shrug, and sighed long and low._

"_Heed my words, SubSpace Emissary. You have seen what no creature of SubSpace has seen, and probably no creature of SubSpace will see again."_

_Its continued use of this signal "SubSpace" annoyed me. Nothing I had been shown allowed me to define the distinction between SubSpace and Space. _

"_Now go home," it continued. "Tell your people of the wonders of Space worlds, and be content that none will ever surpass your achievement."_

_I did not want to go, and informed it of this. I wished to explore more, to discover more._

"_You cannot. This world is not yours to discover. As a creature of SubSpace, you may not venture forth alone into this world."_

_Then, I was "forbidden" from entering it?_

"_Forbidden by the laws of nature, yes."_

_I took a long time to consider this before I replied, and I actually used the other's own tongue to do so. It was difficult to convert my raw energy into the correct form, but I managed to create four distinct words:_

"_Not by my reckoning."_

o o o

Time passes.

Look at Nintendo now. At the start of our story, barely a month ago, it was securely under the control of the League of Villains Extraordinaire. Feared and hated by their people, they cut Nintendo off from the rest of the world and lived lives of luxury, unopposed by a terrified populace. Now, their authority has been challenged to such a degree that the people talk in terrified whispers about how the League of Legends will save the planet, and how LOVE attempts to stop them failed in Hyrule, Archanea and Kanto. They tell anti-LOVE jokes to their neighbours. They dare to think "Why?", as in, "Why should I do this?" (For now, the answer remains, "Because you'll be disappeared if you don't, chuckles.") They have hope.

For now, there is a distinct lack of an IPAF fleet in the skies, coming to save Nintendo, but the LOL do not know this. They drive along in their vehicle, quite the diverse bunch: a hyperactive blue hedgehog of adult male height, a well-built racing driver unable to control his hormones, an angelic pubescent who is boyishly pleased by everything around him, a walking hubcap strictly bound by honour, a dinosaur chief with a massive nose and appetite to match, a fat smelly Italian with a passion for garlic and money, and two princesses, one pure and religious who is a practising transvestite and another who is rather shallower and more inclined towards jealousy and strong passions. Together they whizz towards the faint signal from the former Chaos Emeralds, not knowing where precisely they are going and loving it.

The figure in the single small ship heading towards the planet knew nothing of this. He thought only of the job he had to do there. Yet had he looked through his window as his vessel fell towards the Hylian desert, he would have seen a planet starting to rise up around its heroes, completely unprepared for the figure that lurked in the shadows, known only as "You Know Who", and the two outstanding Projects, X and Y. None of them were prepared for what would happen next. As it happens, neither were the LOVE, nor the LOL, nor the being of energy who _writes like this_.

But then, who is, really? The (uni)verse is famously unpredictable. That is part of the reason it survives. The only thing we can really be sure of is that time passes.

And time passes.


End file.
